POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: bGeek107 on October 14, 2008, 07:03:38 pm
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If you read this and you don't understand what I went through wasn't my fault or anything that I did then I don't know what to say. I was a quiet shy withdrawn normal guy that no one decent seemed to see. All I got was monsters that used me and threw me away. I have done much therapy and healed a lot.
Denial is the biggest spreader of diseases in the community. Not Blonds. Denial borne out of a self inflated superiority complex based on shallow childish image oriented things like hair color and amplified by a majority superiority complex is what makes men monsters. When a dark haired man looks down at a blond and assumes he is superior to that blond he is what I call a Dark-hair. A Dark-hair that has gonorrhea in his dick and HIV in his blood and looks at a blond and gets horny is what makes this community so ugly and cold. It is denial that lets that Dark-hair use a blond to cure his horniness that makes blonds the most disrespected type in the community. Denial allows that Dark-hair to ignore that blond's life and future just to get off. I hate Dark-hairs. Denial allows that Dark-hair to blame the blond for the diseases. Dark-hairs are the biggest spreaders of diseases in the community.
A blond is anyone that is disrespected by a person with a superiority complex.
A Dark-hair is a self absorbed person with a denial or self inflated superiority complex that disrespects other people because of what they look like.
Because I am blond I had rough ride out of the closet. I got irresponsible Dark-hairs wanting a fantasy. When they didn't get their fantasy they got violent and threw me away with diseases and damage. Everyone else ignored me. What a loss. Sex was never fun. I felt more like a toy or a boy or a doll or a blond but never a man. Very sad. No one saw me. They saw something. That hurts. There went friends, sex and life itself. My trust for men was shattered. I am not a cold insensitive person. It is just a hair color and it never changed me. I am much warmer and cleaner than I look. My core personality is that of a long term partner. I also have a good mind. Talk to me and you will find someone. I have always been a warm stable responsible quiet gay man.
I got infected in my first year out because of what men saw me as not because of what I am. It does make me angry that I never got a normal life in this community. Good friends are so hard to find. Positive test summer '86. I lost just about everyone I knew and entered a ten year dying depression. Lonely. Laid off 12/93 they paid for school for my computer network certification I got in 9/94. AIDS summer '96. Laid off fifth new job 4/99. SSDI 5/01. AIDS '94 to '02 with burning throbbing debilitating neuropathy along with many other painful things. I just missed pneumonia, but got everything else. Few t-cells until '01. Bad spinal meningitis 8/04. I got a break in 1/07 when I found out about Lipitor's neuropathy in non-HIV infected people. I stopped it and 60% of my neuropathy was gone in a month.
One thing that gives me a smile is that you Dark-hairs trust each other because of that majority superiority complex you all have. You Dark-hairs are the biggest sluts in the community and far more dirty than the blonds you look down at. That alone keeps all the diseases alive and well in the community. Blonds have one of the most isolated lives in the community because no one see us. Very sad. You Dark-hairs need to truly look at who you are in the mirror and not who you think you are. Blonds are just people.
Biggest Spreader of Diseases
Denial Stubbornness Stupidity!
Fantasies are not Reality
Diseases do not exist in fantasies to the men that use you like an object or a thing in their fantasy. You do not have a life or a future as an object or thing in a fantasy. When they don't get what they want from you they get angry and violent and throw you away like a piece of trash. I always had to walk home after being used. They never look at you again. Even if you meet them again you will never see the man that used you. Almost worse than denial.
Gonorrhea
A bacteria that eats us. Left in a warm wet dark place like a rectum( butt) it eats everything it touches. Given about five days it breaks through the skin and enters the blood. Once there it goes for all of our major organs starting with the Liver. The Spleen is the next organ it eats. In about two weeks you will lose your Spleen and be sick all of the time. In about a month you can lose your Liver and you will turn all sorts of colors of skin and eyes and then you die. No joke!
You will notice a discharge even in your butt. If you think you may have gotten something and you feel something then go get checked.
Gonorrhea has a way of masking pain while it eats you. Don't wait until you feel sick because it could be too late. Gonorrhea messes up or stops the healing response and even the Liver can't heal itself. The Spleen can't be saved. Everything else stays damaged. Very Bad.
Gonorrhea is a bridge that lets HIV into your body. HIV has no way into our body without an abrasion or a cut deep enough into the skin to get in. Gonorrhea eat us and provides an entry point for HIV to get in.
The discharge from gonorrhea and other similar diseases contains blood products. A lot of white cells come out in the discharge. White cells are the main place HIV replicates. HIV destroys white cells causing the finished HIV to spread into the body. Discharge from gonorrhea contains everything that person has including Hepatitis, Syphilis, other bacterias and viruses. It only takes about five days for gonorrhea to make a hole big enough to let everything in. After sex keep an eye on how everything feels.
Dicks are easy to check. Just play safe with them until there is pre-cum. Pre-cum should be smooth and silky and it strings when you pull your finger away. Any disease will change the pre-cum's feel to a more watery and dryer feeling with no stringing. Gonorrhea's is a colorful milky discharge sometimes with a smell. Very hard to miss.
Butts are hard to check because the discharge varies too much. If there seems to be a wetness that keeps coming back then you could have a disease. The trick is when you use a butt pull out sooner than later and pee and wash your dick. If you stay in a butt too long you have a chance to pick up any disease they have including gonorrhea. The discharge is the same for a butt as it is for a dick.
Gonorrhea gotten in your dick just takes longer to get in than with your butt, but it can and will do all of the same things. Gonorrhea can saw your dick off if left in there long enough. It hurts. Gonorrhea can damage nerves anywhere it infects including your whole dick. Not fun.
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Geek,
Maybe instead of blaming everyone else for whatever STIs you may be picking up, why don't you just use condoms? Not using condoms for fucking is THE biggest spreader of STIs - and I suppose it goes hand in hand with denial.
Welcome to the forums. You originally posted this thread in the Am I Infected forum and I've moved it over to the Living With forum for you. Try to pay attention to where you're posting in future - thanks. You might also want to read our Welcome Thread (http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=277.0) where you'll find out what else this website has to offer as well as our forum posting guidelines.
Ann
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Happiness, desire, greed, hope, envy, love, guilt, fear, shame, repulsion, contentment, pride, sadness, jealousy, anger, distress, living situation, social situation...and self-esteem...
...and many other factors are the things that can affect how vulnerable one is to STD's, but this is the first time I've heard of hair color as a factor. I guess if blue eyes can make one a top geisha, then blond hair can make one an AIDS victim.
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I'm confused... and I'm not even blond!
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I am bewildered by this post. It appears to be about many different topics. And I almost lost my breakfast with such graphic information.
Well, for a tangent, Anita Loos' (and Marilyn Monroe's portrayal, though less so) Lorelei Lee, to me, personifies many of the myths and realities of "blondes" in a society. What people project on her, and how she chooses to deal with such projections. She's so honest, and so smart in the end. And gorgeous. And I think people do respect her, and regardless, she respects herself and takes care of herself!
bGeek, you certainly seem to have had a hard time with HIV and being blond. I hope your health is continuing to improve. I hope you are not discouraged and present your true and valuable soul to the world, from a confident and "true-to-your-blond-self" position. Some people will like and respect you for that, and maybe you should just avoid the predatory brunetttes.
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I'm confused... and I'm not even blond!
Being that I am a brownie I might be able to make sense of all this for you. Go shave your head and PM me for clarification. ;)
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Maybe I should change my name for "Brunettebeauty". Why don't you colour your hair dark? You would become "artificial intelligence".
Here goes a french video by LIO about why Brunettes are "better".
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fdu4jmtzb-8
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Being that I am a brownie I might be able to make sense of all this for you. Go shave your head and PM me for clarification. ;)
Well, I'm a brownie (NOT a predatory one, though) too but am losing some of it up top. I would have thought that I'd at least kinda get it.
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I'm as blond as one gets... you can use the hair on my legs as dental floss and some have? lol... but, I think this virus doesn't give a damn whether your blond, brown, red, black, gray or even bald... but, I guess I could be wrong? not!
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This post sounds like something that should be in Mental Health or Off Topic.
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I can feel the anger and distress in your post, and I'm sorry you've had such a difficult time.
I really hope you are doing better now, and that you are coming to a place where you can stop focusing on these awful events in order to start taking good care of you.
It is perfectly understandable to be bitter about your experiences, but you cannot continue to hold on to that if you wish to be as well as possible with your walk down this path.
Take your energies and apply them toward finding the best care, and best decisions to treat your virus. Your anger will consume you, and be a detriment to your overall well being. Channel it to work FOR you.
I wish you all the luck in the world, and I think you will find a very supportive community here. Do some reading. Get educated, and get busy doing positive things for yourself.
Best,
Lisa
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Geek,
I am first off, very sad that you have chosen a nick name that in our society suggests "different", and is used primarily as a derogative. I don't want to be derogative to you in any way, due to my "darkness".
I would strongly suggest that you do really need to get to know yourself, and your virus. Either way you look at it, you have created some premises that have blocked your actual view of reality. You have been infected some three years less than myself, and I cannot imagine carrying this much negative emotion around for as many years as you have. I would plead with you to seek out some help to change some of the basic premises of life which you have come to accept as fact, because they are wrong, very wrong.
I welcome you to this forum, and I trust you will learn from some of the experiences of your peers. We all posess the same bug you do, so on that level it matters not what our physical appearance really is, does it?
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If you read this and you don't understand what I went through wasn't my fault or anything that I did then I don't know what to say. I was a quiet shy withdrawn normal guy that no one decent seemed to see. All I got was monsters that used me and threw me away. I have done much therapy and healed a lot.
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If you read this and you don't understand what I went through wasn't my fault or anything that I did then I don't know what to say. I was a quiet shy withdrawn normal guy that no one decent seemed to see. All I got was monsters that used me and threw me away. I have done much therapy and healed a lot.
I guess I got lost by all the dark hair / blond hair 'symbolism'(?). I understand you've been hurt. But this
One thing that gives me a smile is that you Dark-hairs trust each other because of that majority superiority complex you all have. You Dark-hairs are the biggest sluts in the community and far more dirty than the blonds you look down at. That alone keeps all the diseases alive and well in the community. Blonds have one of the most isolated lives in the community because no one see us. Very sad. You Dark-hairs need to truly look at who you are in the mirror and not who you think you are. Blonds are just people.
is just downright strange / wrong / hateful / judgmental. Believe me, I have dark hair, don't really have a superiority complex, am pretty damned slutty but don't really look down on anybody sexually. I look at myself (literally and figuratively) daily and am pretty happy with what I see / who I am.
David
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This is a curious, difficult to understand thread, but I'd like to chime in about gonorrhea. I've had this malady many times, and I'm not sure it is quite accurate to characterize it as 'a disease that eats us'. While I have only ever had the ailment in the urethra of my penis-organ, I can say that it never reached a stage where it 'ate' me, and was certainly easily treated - either by a shot administered at the doctors office or by one or another of several oral antibiotic options. Perhaps, in fairness, the ailment is more serious when inhabiting the anus, but I still doubt that the bacteria itself eats any part of the human victim.
I'm no expert of course, nor would I wish for anyone to follow my assertions as advice, or to consider them any sort of substitute for the advice and ministrations of a qualified physician (or nurse practicioner in jurisdictions where that is allowed), but I always understood that the bacteria merely lived in the eurethra or rectum or vagina, and that the irritation and discharge was more caused by the corrosive effects of the waste products of its life cycle than any active or direct attack upon the bodily tissues.
In any case the best of luck to the original poster, with both the hair colour issues and the rectal gonorrhea.
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If you read this and you don't understand what I went through wasn't my fault or anything that I did then I don't know what to say.
I know what to say; we CREATE our own lives, and if you have not had anything to do with all the "stuff" that has rudely come into your life, then you haven't been living for the past many years.
Also, if you cannot comprehend any of the messages that have been heartfully given here, then you need to open up your spirit eyes and look again. You have blocked anything coming into your life that has any postive conotation. That is your responsibility, not ours.
Easy one.
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You need serious mental help.
I wish you much luck.
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I need to be more open minded, sorry.
I did go through a lot for what seems like nothing.
I got sexual perverts with gonorrhea in their dick and HIV in their blood that were out looking for sex. These normal looking guys are the one's that need mental help. Anyone with those diseases that is out looking for sex are the perverts in the gay community. Those perverts also brag about their conquests to their friends and people calling their conquests sluts. Calling the people they use sluts somehow justifies their actions. Again these perverts need the mental help not me. All I ever felt like in West Hollywood was a slut. Very sad. There went friends, sex and life it's self.
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Anyone with those diseases that is out looking for sex are the perverts in the gay community.
You have just insulted pretty much everyone in this forum.
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All I ever felt like in West Hollywood was a slut.
Any time I've ever felt like a slut it's been because I've been slutty. This is not a judgment but merely a comment based on personal observation.
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I have done much therapy and healed a lot.
No offense, but I rather question that. You seem like you're blaming everyone else for your own failings.
There's a lot going on in your four posts, and I encourage you to keep talking though. The way to heal is by exploring things, and at least you're doing that.
Maybe you should consider supplementing your psychologist/therapy with some group support (real life stuff, not on the internet -- depending on if you live in a metropolitan area with access to such things). Some of your attitudes towards other gay people don't seem very healthy, and while we all know that there are a lot of bad apples out in the world I'd hate to see someone allow this fact to color their views towards other men, because that will only lead you down a road where you have very bad feelings about your own sexuality. And that said, perhaps some of these men you disparage of had these same self-loathing feelings and went out and acted sexually irresponsible.
Life is full of really bad judgment calls. It's part of being human.