HIV & Dating: Part II How to tell a neggie you are Poz

[englishgirl]

im sorry the talk didnt go well but well done for doing the right thing. also, i hope you feel better knowing that you hadnt actually shagged after all, that is a relief. 

you may feel shitty now but honestly, if someone isnt prepared to accept you bug and all then the relationship has no future. better to wait for someone special to come around. as time goes on hopefully this will be part of your learning curve.

I really hope none of you told me to tell her in spite of me.

none of us would ever do that. we told you to tell her not as 'punishment' to you but because it was the right thing to do. hopefully in a few days you will be able to believe that.

[cjc]

Hello, i followed this thread even though I did not reply. Glad you had the talk and sorry it didn't go so well. Personally, i believe no one here would have told you to tell her to spite you. They told you to tell her because it was the right thing to do.  Hope you get to feeling better. I sent you a PM. Take care.  Cristy

[David_CA]

Hi Sun,

It sucks that, no matter how attracted somebody might be to us, or us to them, once we disclose our HIV status, things change.  It's like what appears to be a nice newish car at a low price ... with a flood title (ie totaled due to flood damage).  It generally scratches that vehicle off of ones 'possibles' list.  It takes a determined, talented person to buy such a car, and I think it'll take a similar individual to overlook something as big as HIV / AIDS.  This is especially true in hookups.  The main point of a hookup, to me, is casual sex without obligations or worries.  HIV sure changes that. 

Take this experience that you've just been through and learn from it.  Learn to avoid being caught in it again.  I guarantee you that a lot of people who've given you advice here have been in a very similar situations.  What can you do?  Ignore it, not learn from it, and experience it again -or- try to do the right thing with disclosure.  You may fail, but being that wasted sure won't help.  In fact, it'll give you an 'excuse' to not disclose... I didn't think I could get it up, we didn't plan on having sex, etc.  Remember when getting pregnant was what people worried about?  Those same excuses didn't work then, either.  It's not easy, but I don't see that you have any option other than disclosing pre-sex.  Also, I don't know you personally, but maybe seek some help with accepting your HIV status and yourself.  It almost sounds like there's a bit of sexual addiction going on (no offense meant).  Good luck with it all and take care.

David

[Queen Tokelove]

Sun~~

You will have more than enough to catch up on when you do decide to read the rest of the posts. I hope you do read them because there is some good advice given here. I'm not sure what you meant by in spite of yourself but I did warn that the outcome may not be rosy. I didn't say it to be mean but just being realistic. Yeah, some do have good outcomes from disclosing but there are also the bad, the ones who can't accept you despite the bug. But hey, it's their loss. Despite you feeling bad you did do the right thing and still with a pretty decent outcome. You didn't sex her so no worries of infection or pregnancy but you should take this as a learning experience in many ways. So dust yourself off and continue to learn and grow....

[tigger2376]

I was infected by a pos man who didnt tell me. However hard it is to be honest you MUST. In my case, I was drunk, a one off, but I'd like to think that being told the truth would have at the very least sobered me up enough to use a condom. In the Uk infecting someone with knowledge of your condition is an attempted murder charge. You HAVE to tell. You have in this case to do the right thing and TELL HER,  we've all been through it, its horrific, but how would you feel if you dont...she could go years undiagnosed if shes unlucky enough to get the virus...at best severe neuro problems, at worst DEAD.
But next time, beer goggles off, THINK what your'e doing to someone elses life...if they know, or even if they dont they have certain responsibilities to protect themselves, but so do you.

[emeraldize]

Hey ST

First, congratulations on having the talk and chalking up a memorable learning experience you'll draw on in the future. Second, along with everyone else, I'm sorry it was not a great outcome.

I think Englishgirl's got a good attitude about disclosure and letting it be the filter it can be when choosing someone with whom you want to spend time.

I hope you understand how sincerely all of us are replying to your concern about our possibly encouraging you to do something we knew would go wrong.  Could NOT have been farther from the truth.  We were digging in to all of our own experiences, knowledge of law and frankly, although rather in-your-face, because of concern for you.

You are the next generation. We're simply trying to save you time, wake you up, keep you safe...sappy as that may sound!

I'm going to throw this out there for you to consider. Just to give yourself the best shot possible both physiologically and psychologically, is there any chance you have a problem with alcohol that warrants seeking help?

Em

[Dragonette]

I'm sorry to hear it was such a lousy experience, I'm glad to hear that apparently you didn't have sex after all and she was not at risk. I guess she knew all along that you didn't and was playing with your mind.

I know from first hand experience how awful it feels to be dumped over being poz. Neverthless, since we are poz and it will not go away, if somebody won't accept that, they have no room in our lives.

Telling somebody before something sexual happens is a better way to ensure that they stick around although there are no guarantees.

It was very hard to do what you did but you did the right thing and I really appreciate you for that.

Take good care,

[Miss Philicia]

So basically this girl was a liar and trying to entrap the guy.  It's what I thought all along.

[Queen Tokelove]

So basically this girl was a liar and trying to entrap the guy.  It's what I thought all along.

Great minds, Philly Dearest...... Now let's hope she doesn't put him out there, so to speak. She reminds me of some the hood rats around here.

[tigger2376]

I'm sorry if my post was harsh. I agree with englishgirl that the 'poz talk' is a great way to filter insincere and possibly pointless approaches. I am proud to say I have NEVER slept with a man (or woman if that was my style  ), who did not know my status. Yes, its bloody hard telling a negative person,or anyone else for that matter BUT I personally could not live with myself if I didnt tell a sexual partner. Dont get me wrong, I'm NOT sitting in judgement, each situation has its own difficulties and nuances.

[Miss Philicia]

Great minds, Philly Dearest...... Now let's hope she doesn't put him out there, so to speak. She reminds me of some the hood rats around here.

Please girl... I've got my street smarts finely honed after dating so many Puerto Rican boys   You gotta have your game on for those kids.