How long will I feel so trapped

[TabooPrincess]

My head is full of confusion and fear...it's been locked away for months now.  I made a vow to tell no one about my condition and will keep this vow until the day I die.  But I am losing myself.  Putting on a brave face, flashing a smile, cracking a joke. No one notices. No one suspects. No one sees.  But everytime I do this I feel further and further away from the ones I love, seperated.  Further away from the girl I was, lost.  I wonder how long I can keep this going.  The dark is coming, I can feel it.  Who the Hell am I now?  Why am I letting this happen to me?

And now pregnant.  An innocent life to be born into this cruel and evil mess that has been created.  I am having a boy and started taking the medication last week.  But I feel so alone.  Each day I wonder if I can keep my secret, not just today, not tomorrow, but for life.  I can't see any future - trapped within my own jealousy and rage.  Why me?  Why do I stay with the man who did this to me. Love and hate and hope and doubt entwined together in this affair that may end tomorrow, or may end in death.

Did it choose me?  Did I choose it?  Why have I ended up feeling so desperate and alone.  So fortunate and privileged, yet I threw it all away.  I fell in love.  Now what's left?  Only a shell - with a life growing inside.

[Snowangel]

Wow, Taboo,
 I am not kidding you when I tell you, I could have written the exact same thing - word for word(except I was on meds longer)-back in 98, when I was pregnant with my son.

Your child is a gift and a blessing.  He is going to give you something to live for, until you can and want to do it for yourself.  You are still the same girl, just different.  No one can grow up and old without changing.

I have no idea where you are living, but it might help if you can find a local ASO, so you can find others in your situation.  If there isn't, we are here for you, individually, we might all have different stories but collectively, we are all pretty much the same.  You are not alone.

Taking your meds everyday consistently is going to be the best thing you could ever do for you and your son.  It might make you feel like crap or make you sick, but it will pass. Talk things over with your doc, so you will have a comfort level. You will get through this and have a happy, healthy little boy and you will be healthy and happy enough to enjoy him.  I have had 4 kids, 2 pregnancies since becoming poz and they are all negative and I am undetectable.

You really have to take a good look at the relationship you have with the father, and honest look.  No rose colored glasses.  Unfortunately, just because you are pregnant, it doesn't mean things will change between you both, your past or your future.  Try to remember that actions speak louder than words and if he is still acting a fool, that is all he will ever be....a fool and you and your son deserve more.

Please let us know how you are doing, ask us anything that is on your mind.  You can PM if you want.  You can get through this, maybe if you talk to us here and you can feel less alone and ready to move on to the next chapter of your life.


Good Luck,
Snow

[BT65]

Taboo, your words sound pretty desperate.  I would suggest you seek counseling.  You can probably find a good counselor by getting ahold of the Aids organization in your area.  They should be able to refer you to someone.  And when you do get ahold of the organization, you will be able to talk to someone there who's trained to handle situations like yours.  Good luck and keep talking!
 Luv,
Betty

[TabooPrincess]

Snowangel, it's nice to hear your story and realise that others can and do know EXACTLY how I am feeling.  I'm having more good days than bad days now but still feeling confused and trapped.  I'm coping ok with the medication.  I can now feel my baby moving all of the time....I'm both thrilled and petrified.  I desperately want a vaginal delivery but I have to wait for the 35 week blood test.  It still feels so unreal....

I realise there's little research to this but is the medication safe for the baby, like in 20-30 years time is it going to show up that it's harmed the baby afterall?

[Snowangel]

I don't think they know the long term effects for anyone, especially babies BUT this is how I looked at it.

If I don't take my meds  and don't take care of myself while pregnant, then the chances are much higher that the baby will sick for a lifetime.  Giving them the meds for 6 weeks to ensure that they would be healthy is a cake walk considering that it might be something that you need to do everyday forever, 24/7, 7 days a weeks, 365 days  a year. All my kids took AZT for the first 6 weeks and they are 11 and 6 now.    You have to weigh the options, don't take the meds and the baby will be sick OR do and they will be healthy. To me, either way the baby is going to have to take meds at least for a little while, I would rather, they only have to deal with for the first 6 weeks of life, when they won't remember it all.

For people in relationships, that the mother is neg and the father is poz, different scenario.

I hope this helps

[whoknew]

I have lurked here for a long while. Your message prompted me to join up and post.....

I felt exactly like you. so alone and confused but I promise things WILL get better. I too felt like I was losing myself and my identity. I chose not to disclose to anyone other than the the specialist nurse a councellor and the DR ( well and the people involved in my pregnancy care ) Other than that only my partner knows. This is my choice and for  now it is right for me. My specialist councellor told me one thing that has stuck with me. She told me on the day of my diagnosis. You do not HAVE to tell people, you can but that choice must be yours and it is up to you to decide when that is. It would have been easy for me to blurt it out to my mum for instance but I really was not ready to deal with explaining things and being there emotionally for other people.

I do miss out on support but you have to become confortable with the situation yourself and accept it before you can do anything else. I have been Diagnosed 2 years and still keep my secret. Now days though it does not really feel like keeping a secret. I do not think about it everyday even when I take my medication its just something I do.

It is hard, but you will adjust, you are no less yourself than you were before this happened. You will find strength to cope and strenght and belief in your own personal ability to heal your mind. HIV does not define me, It is something I live with and does not controll me. Yes there are other things to think of but one day you will not feel like this.

Just because you haven't told friends or family doesn't mean you can not recieve support. There are help groups, this forum, councillors, peer support. Maybe a support organisation can put you in touch with another woman going through the same things. It can help not to feel isolated.

You baby will be perfect and you will be a wonderful mother.

I have recently taken my Daughter for her 18 month check , I planned the pregnancy knowing I was positive and took the medication. Giving meds to the baby is hard but its for such a short amount of time and is worth it for the peace of mind. My baby has had 3 negative tests and this will be the confirmation that we have been waiting for

anyway I dont know If i put that all right , its a bit of a ramble but I wanted you to know you are not alone , never ever , there are many of us going through the same thoughts and feelings as you and here you are among good friend.

good luck with your pregnancy , take each day at a time and try not to be to hard on yourself. being kind to yourself is probably one of the best things you can you this is not your fault but you can live a healthy and very happy life.... I promise.

xx