stirring at a blank future sometimes, hoping someone can relate...

[bino88]

so it's been 3.5 months since i was diagnosed poz. i recently became UD i'm happy about that, but i wanted to share a few thoughts,

so after being diagnosed i was already in the beginning stages of a r/ship with a girl. of-course i couldn't keep the huge secret so i came out to her , her response was fair enough , she seemed to be ok with it at first and she even went as far as making promises that she'll support me.
The revelation was made after a trip i made to where she is because she lived a continent away at that moment. while we were on the "holiday" together we had a sexual encounter once with protection, surprisingly initiated by her.

 So after my return things seemed to go well, but then we started getting into unnecessary arguments which were related to non-issues being brought up by her, she even went as far as accusing me of putting her at risk because of the "encounter" we had, that made me feel horrible.
so after much back and forth she refused to talk to me for a long time, saying " she doesn't want to be bothered anymore" ofcourse reading into this to me it meant its was over.
I tried asking her the actual reason for it all but the response didn't seem to have a base. but it doesn't take a nuthead to figure "the real reason behind it".

After this another rship began with someone else actually closer to where i am at the moment. from the previous experience i thought i probably should not reveal the diagnosis until i was sure it meant something.
So we had been talking on the phone and on skype for a whole while and one thing led to another and i was supposed to go visit and spend some time u know to make the rship stronger. So i was faced with a choice of whether to reveal the poz status before embarking on the trip or much later. So on one hand i felt if i reveal it later then i would have been deceiving her all this while we would have been together.
So i thought it will be better to come clean now and see if It still stands a chance and so that i will have a clear conscience. so i did come clean. she broke down in tears saying i "broke her heart" but she still decided she was OK with everything. so i had a flight booked already to go visit her.
prior to the supposed trip day, i called her and she gave me a very cold response i knew what was coming, so i said ill call her later. So when i tried calling back, she ignored my calls all through. As the date for the flight approached with no response from her, i had to cancel the whole thing. That cost me.
Like a week after the "supposed visit" and after a lot of text messages from me pouring out my broken heart and the anger at the wasted flight ticket with not even the courtesy of a response from her, she decided to call me back and apologize.
She asked if we could remain friends. i agreed to that, but i wanted her to be honest about what really made her turn around so suddenly, she tried to give me some other reasons at first but after some heated arguments , she finally came around and admitted that it was all because of the poz diagnosis at least she was honest.

I Know its only two potential r/ships ruined by this predicament. but i'm left with bad thoughts of a blank future. Even if today i end up meeting someone i may like or i see a future with or even if the other person agrees to anything, i'm faced with the fear of what will happen if i reveal my diagnosis. Even if i reveal, i'm still faced with the fear of what will happen down the road. Least from my experience i can rightfully say that even if someone promises to be by ur side or support you through it all , or see you for who you really are , you can't still bank on it on the long term.

So this even prevents me more from making an attempt at starting a relationship with anyone. Before this Diagnosis, I generally had fairytale thoughts of meeting the girl of my dreams getting married and having kids of my own. But it seems so far fetched now. I recently even met someone and when i saw the friendship turning into something deeper ,i shut it down myself without a reasonable explanation, crazy huh?.

Another fear i'm faced with is even if i ended up meeting someone and we decided to start family, what the odds of me infecting her will be.
Science and books say once you are UD and use protection then the risk is hugely reduced but it's not zero. So what if i end up infecting my partner or bringing a poz child into this world, i probably wouldn't be able to live with that.
i know it's not the healthiest to think negatively but this thoughts keeping popping into my mind.
Then again i think of the possibility of starting a rship with a person who is poz which would theoretically be easier, because atleast i'm sure the person will look past the poz diagnosis to see me for who i really am and i her. 
Then again i think about the odds of meeting a pozzie who i would really connect with and then again i feel if i decide to do that, then the horizon is lessened and i'm pigeon-holed into a supposedly narrow category of options and then again i feel i may "un-consciously"  be settling for less (please no offence intended to all my loving sweet pozzie homies out there and i'm in no way saying that any pozzie is worth less than non-pozzies, infact i see it the other way around)  but my mind keep going towards that horizon of thinking, "maybe i need a shrink" lol but at this point i feel that this might be the best route to take to have a shot at anything at all. am i crazy to think that?

another scary thought i have is if i'm rejected an offer or laid off a job on discovery of my poz status. i'm mostly thinking of this because i'm certainly going into the medical field, of which revelation or discovery of the status in most instances cannot be avoided.

hence the scary but probably not realistic thoughts of a blank future
was just hoping someone else on here relates......   

[Weber]

Bino,

You're much braver than me. It's been about 9 months for me and I've been on dates, yet never able bring myself to talk about my condition. Just walked away when I sensed things started to get physical. It sucks. I totally relate to everything you say. But I feel like I already gave up on dating, putting all my energy to my career instead so that I can still have a fulfilling life. I wish I had better things to say. Maybe others with more experience can enlighten us more.

Hugs...

[bino88]

totally feeling everything u said. i'm at the verge of giving up. infact i think i probably have. i just hope something changes this mindset. But i'm pretty much done with making the attempt myself. From my experience its harder for me now to disclose so i shut it down myself before it even gets to that stage lolz.

[BT65]

Hi Bino,

I can guarantee that if you want a good, healthy relationship, you have to be okay with being alone with yourself and realizing that someone who is worth your time will be totally okay with your poz status. 

I got married to someone negative after my diagnosis, and he was fine with it.  We didn't stay together but that had nothing to do with HIV. 

You can still get married and have children!  As long as you stay UD with your VL your risk of passing on the virus is pretty much nonexistent. 

You mentioned seeing a shrink but I wasn't sure if you were serious.  It's actually a very good idea.  I had a therapist after testing positive and it helped a lot.  I would seriously consider this were I you.

Betty

[Delby]

Don't give up. I'm living proof that you can enter into a serodiscordant relationship, get married and have children.

When i was diagnosed in 2006, I thought i'd never meet anyone. But I met a wonderful negative woman. An angel who completely accepted me for who I am. We got married and we have 2 healthy children.

There will be someone out there, that I promise. May not be today or tomorrow, but you will find someone. But you've got to make the effort. Keep positive and don't give up.

Delby

[TheNormalLife]

I tried asking her the actual reason for it all but the response didn't seem to have a base. but it doesn't take a nuthead to figure "the real reason behind it".

Or maybe you are making assumptions. You are not really sure about what provoked that decision, so don't take responsibility for it. About the second girl, there and only then you are certain for her decision as it was confessed to you. It's her loss, not yours buddy.

Something we HIV-positive people should work on, is in giving our condition a real dimension; we need to strip it from all the crap around it in order to reduce it to the bone, which then we can grab like a small football to manage and control. That often comprehends the medical side of it and our mental well-being, anything else, is precisely that; ANY THING ELSE.

I Know its only two potential r/ships ruined by this predicament. but i'm left with bad thoughts of a blank future. Even if today i end up meeting someone i may like or i see a future with or even if the other person agrees to anything, i'm faced with the fear of what will happen if i reveal my diagnosis.

Your DX is only a small part and doesn't overall describes you. You haven't stopped being a sensitive, _______, ________, ________ and caring human being (fill in the blanks, I'm sure you are well-aware of your beautiful qualities). HIV is not your presentation letter to anyone. Sure, stigma and ignorance will probably eliminate candidates, but then again, that's not your loss but theirs.

On the other hand, anxiety doesn't bring anything good to this condition. Unfortunately we don't own a fortune teller's crystal ball to know how someone will react upon our disclosure; so up to the moment in which we decide to tell, why to stress?

So this even prevents me more from making an attempt at starting a relationship with anyone. Before this Diagnosis, I generally had fairytale thoughts of meeting the girl of my dreams getting married and having kids of my own. But it seems so far fetched now. I recently even met someone and when i saw the friendship turning into something deeper ,i shut it down myself without a reasonable explanation, crazy huh?.

There's nothing stopping you buddy. Plan for a beautiful future; interconnect with other people, wait and see. Medicines gives us large amounts of time to live our plans.

Don't give up. I'm living proof that you can enter into a serodiscordant relationship, get married and have children... ....We got married and we have 2 healthy children.

I honestly didn't know that Delby, so, is it possible to use my seed to have healthy children?

i feel i may "un-consciously"  be settling for less (please no offence intended to all my loving sweet pozzie homies out there and i'm in no way saying that any pozzie is worth less than non-pozzies, infact i see it the other way around)

No offense taken, that is your perspective, not our reality. And by the way, we have (sometimes I still do) felt like damaged goods. We have to work hard on that; therapy is helping me lots.

Greetings from SO of the border.

Ray.

[mecch]

You are not going to infect your partner. You are not going to have a poz baby.

You are doing the right thing, telling these people. They can't deal, it's NOT your fault or your problem. You dont want to have a partner who can't deal with a partner with a chronic condition.  In my opinion, this is a flawed character so you dont want to deal with people who are so narrow minded, do you.

My observation is that your responsibility is to be more practical about who you are pursuing. Why all the long-distance prospects. I have always felt this was a lot of added burden and trouble.  Can't you pursue people in your area? 

My opinion is that people who primarily go hunting at long distance for relationships, can be a bit ambivalent about having a REAL relationship.  I mean its fine if someone accidentally falls into a long-distance relationship. Fine and dandy. But if I were you, I'd look for people who are around you. This makes EVERYTHING easier and more casual, when starting a relationship. You can date, hang out, see each other.   Lots.  Before sex even.  And if someone says no thanks, just move on. You might even discover LOCAL friends, who really aren't into you for whatever reason, romantically, but would love to go see a movie or get pizza.

[bino88]

thanks for all your replies everyone it means so much that some others can relate ..., @mecch & BT65, hey was wondering when you guys were going to reply at least one of my posts lol u've been so much help on this forum.  @ mecch i understand what you mean but it wasn't that i was looking for long distance thingies i kinda just stumbled over them, the first girl in question we had started the relationship when we were together in the same area, then she had to travel for school. but i understand i'll take that into perspective.  Thanks @the normal life & Delby for the response i definitely wont give up, but i just find it hard these days. Thanks all i hope we'll continue to motivate each other.

[TheNormalLife]

You're welcome. We'll be ok!

I thought I was the only mecch fan here.

Hugs!

[lupetto]

I thought I was the only mecch fan here.

I'll join that fan club!

bino, I think you've been very brave and should give yourself some credit for telling these girls and not isolating yourself. I'm sorry they haven't reacted well to the news but that's not your fault. Rejection is always hard, whatever the reason for it. And starting a new relationship can also be bit daunting (doesn't matter if you're HIV+ or not) since you never know what will happen and will someone end up with a broken heart. But it's been only 3,5 months  since your diagnosis (and in such a short time so much has happened to you!) so it's only natural you're still adjusting to this all yourself too. I think we all have had those thoughts of "blank future" but we can't stick to them for too long.

You mentioned how the first girl accused you of putting her in a risk; the same happened to me in my old relationship and it felt awful and very unfair. But you didn't do anything wrong. I now think that the way my ex handled me being HIV+ should have signaled me that he was in fact not like someone I would want to share my life with. The relationship didn't end because of HIV but I could have judged his character bit better by the way he saw the whole thing. Gotta love hindsight. Back then I was so crushed by my diagnosis that I let him treat me badly because I thought the virus had made me someone who didn't deserve any better. Now I know better. I hope no one else would make the same mistake! Anyway, I totally agree with Betty: you need to be ok with yourself and respect & value yourself and you can find someone who in return treats you well and doesn't care about your status. And you won't infect your partner and you can have healthy children. Remember that!

[bino88]

Lol @ mecch u are loved by many. @luppeto: thanks u are very right! I guess I have to work on myself and my psyche but still refrain from not putting myself out there. And I  certainly will not end up with someone who doesn't accept me fully I've made myself that promise. I hope the meetings u are attending are  going well. Haven't been able to do that myself. And yea having HIV makes me feel like absolute crap at the moment , but I promise those feelings won't last long