11 Years Since My Husband Died

[MOONLIGHT1114]

My husband died on this day in 1996 from non-Hodgkins lymphoma after an 11-month struggle(AIDS-related, he also passed the virus to me...).  So, here it is again, August 21st.  On August 21st in 2004 - 2006, I could actually smile on that day for the first time in a long time.  My exBF's birthday is August 21st.  We used to be happy, planning our future together.  He's the one that dumped me last December for fear of the virus.  After we had dated for 2-1/2 years.  After we had started building a beautiful home together.  After I had switched jobs to be closer to the new home.  After I had sold my furniture so that the move to the new house would be easier.  After I traded a sporty car for a 4WD for winters in the mountains of Pennsylvania.  So much damn faith in that shit exBF of mine. 

And so here I am on this day that always seems to loom in like a black cloud every year, taking me by surprise when I almost think I can handle it -- almost.  I don't care much about the exBF, he's a dumbass anyway, I am just pissed at 2-1/2 years of my life being wasted, but back to my late husband.  This day just always has a grip around me, no matter what I do.  I should be happy because I am alive, because I have a new wonderful pos guy in my life for the first time ever.  I know there's so much to be thankful for, and grateful for, but instead I am just sinking in this misery tonight. 

I have never had anyone to talk to that understands.  This Forum is the closest I can get to having true friends.  I wish all of you were right outside my door right now and not miles away.  I try so damn hard to be strong and cheerful and this virus can just zap all of my emotional strength, just because of one stupid day. 

I just want to be normal again, I just want to be me again, I want to be strong, I don't want to be tired, I want to be loved.  Why can't I have just one or two of these things?  WHY?

I just really needed to vent tonight to help myself get through this.  You guys are the only ones who understand this.  Thank goodness for all of you.

~Cindy         

[Jerry71]

Welcome to our family here on the forums Cindy and if you ever need a friend too talk too Im just on the otherside of Virginia from you. I'm glad you are part of this forum and our family here.

[Queen Tokelove]

I am feeling your pain of losing someone. I don't think anyone really gets over it. I was the same way with my father's death and his birthday when it comes around. This past July 7th, my Dad's bday, I just shut down. I turned all the phones off, I didn't want to be around anyone and just cried. I would like to say it gets easier but after 3 yrs, it still isn't. Big HUgz...

[Matty the Damned]

Cindy,

I agree with Her Majesty that one never gets over the loss, but in my experience the raw and often unbearable immediacy of the pain abates with time. I hope these 11 years have seen your pain diminish.

Love,

MtD

[MOONLIGHT1114]

Sure, the pain of my husband being gone HAS diminished.  But the fact that he left me with this damn virus just haunts me sometimes, and to think it was almost avoided.  I know I can't change the past, but still it just overwhelms me sometimes. 

~Cindy

[Matty the Damned]

Naturally babe. You must be made of tough stuff to have gone 11 years with the virus and still present with the strength and goodwill towards others that you do.

Fondly,

MtD

[leatherman]

A few months ago was the 13th anniversary of my Randy's passing (from AIDS), so I understand and share your pain. To this day, passing any funeral service brings tears to my eyes as I realize that someone there is going through the same hell I did burying my loved one.

I'm sure that you've seen that time helps; but it never truly heals. On a recent trip to visit my family back in NC, we chatted about my current partner (of 3+ yrs, who is neg); but of course, conversation turned back to my times with Randy. I couldn't believe that I could be in this great relationship now, with my health so much better, and years past the grief but still end up crying talking about Randy and the past.

For me, I hang onto the same reasoning when I get sad about Randy, as I do for the 8 cocker spaniels (all descended from the first bday present Randy gave me) that I've had to bury - even though I'm terribly sad not having them in my life now, I wouldn't trade any of this grief away to not have had them at all! They all brought so much joy, life and love to me, that having this sadness is worth it to have had that. Every tear I cry about Randy is just proof of the love and happiness that he gave me.

If I was closer (I'm up here in Ohio), I'd give you a hug and a shoulder to cry on. I think the crying is good sometimes. It gives our lost loved ones the validity that they were here and did leave a lasting impression.

I'm sure you know the drill by now though. You'll get through this time and feel better again. Until the next time, it catches you unawares.

Keeping you in my thoughts as you go through this rough time,
mikie

[mjmel]

This is for you Cindy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=63LfaAyhgJY&mode=related&search=
Because...............you are brave, strong, and loved.
 
Mike

[MOONLIGHT1114]

....I'm terribly sad not having them in my life now, I wouldn't trade any of this grief away to not have had them at all! They all brought so much joy, life and love to me, that having this sadness is worth it to have had that.

TY, Mikie....Despite all of the pain and the major change that my late husband brought to my life via this virus, I know I am better for it.  I am much stronger, even though sometimes I feel so damn weak. 

TY, Mike, for the link.  It was peaceful listening to that song and watching the animation......I appreciate your kind words.  I feel like a whiner here tonight, but I have never had anyone to "whine to" who would truly understand.  My family here understands, that I know for sure.

Thanks to everyone who has PMed me, no matter how simple the words, its all helping me to grieve and get through.  Yes, its been 11 years without Dave, but it hurts just the same.  So damn confusing sometimes......

I love you guys, I really do.  Hugs right back to all of you.

~Cindy

[anniebc]

I feel like a whiner here tonight

I don't see it like that at all, all I can see is someone reaching out in a time of sadness, as you can see from your replies it doesn't matter which way you turn you will find a shoulder to cry on..that's what this family is all about...but you know that already.

Thinking of you tonight.

Hugs all the way from NZ.

Jan
 

[MOONLIGHT1114]

Hi Jan~

TY for the kind post.  Everything is so "raw" this year and I just don't know why.  Its not that I miss my late husband dreadfully like before when it was new, time has helped to heal some....Its just that this damn virus he passed to me will always be here.  I know I am doing all that I can, but its just such a mountain to climb at times!  Also, the fact that I am somewhat "reaching out" here in the Forums is overwhelming and cathartic at the same time.  I have never had an outlet like this, ever, where I could speak about my feelings so freely without judgment.  This is a first for me, and I think I have had a lot of emotions suppressed for a long time, that never really made it to the surface. 

I hope you are doing well, you've had a rough go, too.

~Cindy

[gaspode]

I just want to be normal again,

You ARE normal, whatever that means

I just want to be me again,

You are you - maybe different from the old you, but still unique, and to me you sound pretty special

I want to be strong,

Well, you so clearly ARE strong, and with time you will get stronger

I want to be loved. 

and I expect you are loved. But you want that special love that makes life worth the pain and the effort. Perhaps one day ...


But I know where you're coming from - have felt all of those things at various times. I'm so sorry about your loss Cindy, but it is so clear that you are one strong lady and your strength will get you through.

Gary

[anniebc]

Hi Cindy

Maybe now that you have found a place where you can open up and release all those pent up emotions things will start to get a little better for you, it just takes time to get used to that freedom of speech without being judged.

I remember when I joined the forums four years ago..I spent days crying every time someone answered my posts, I had no idea that the love and the support of strangers would have such an effect on me, it was an amazing feeling and helped me through some very tough days

After all this time get I still get the love and support from these forum, the only differnce is they are not strangers anymore, they are dear friends, some  I have met and some I haven't..but all friends none the less.

Hugs
Jan

[Ann]

((((((((((Cindy))))))))))

Ann
xxx

[emeraldize]

Good Morning Cindy!

Sending a hug your way. Having gotten to know you a bit through the Positive Women forum, I know you're made of some hi-strength stuff.

Every layer of your challenges, family, diabetes,  hiv, love mourned, dogs, love lost and thankfully, love anew, has left you standing wiser.

Your sense of humor and sensitivity are gifts you are always sharing with us. While we may not be outside your door as you'd like (gosh, wouldn't that be a scene? ) we're actually closer. Yes, we're inside your computer.

Stepping out for some fresh air now.

Em

[cjc]

Hello, Ml. Sorry that today is a painful day for you.you are definitely unique and have brightened my life immensely.  Ii  hope tommorrow is better for you and will be thinking of you today.  Love ,   Cristy

[camille07]

Hey Cindy-

Hugs to you.  You're a tough girl and you've been through a lot. 

keep your chin up beautiful!

[BT65]

Hey fellow metal lover-
   On February 15, 1989, my first husband died.  I was in treatment for drug addiction.  Even though he's the one who gave me this delicate flower of a virus, that's not what he died from.  He died from (as per his death certificate) "acute alcohol intoxication."  He was only 29.  So I feel your pain.  
     Do you ever go visit your ex's grave? (I'm assuming he's buried in the ground).  Have you yelled at him yet?  I remember being very angry at God for taking my husband away from me.  And I used to think that I couldn't be angry at God or I would get struck down or something.  One of my friends said "don't you think God's big enough to handle your anger?"  That made a difference.
     Too bad that the situation with your exBF didn't work out after you sacrificed and made all those changes.  All I can say about that is "fuck him."  You are such a nice addition to these forums.  I enjoy reading your posts.  Keep hanging in.  {{{{HUGE HUGS}}}}
Rock on--
Betty

[Andy Velez]

Cindy, sometimes for whatever reason an anniversary like this is particularly hard. I've found that's just the way it is. The feelings are stronger, more intense. And next year might be quite different or not.

It's good that you're here and hanging in. Today will pass, you'll get through and there's going to be other good stuff (and some not so good) coming along.

Here's to you and to all getting on with.

[RapidRod]

Cindy, one day out of 365, Girl you're doing damn good. Just come visit me on the 21st of August and I'll give you a little pill and you'll speed so fast all day that the day will be over before you know it. I have two sisters that I know have been going through menopause since birth, so I'm use to it. You're more than welcome to come vent to me anytime. 

[Iggy]

Cindy,

I really can't say much beyond what has already been expressed by others.  Since the moment I saw your first post though I recognized there was an incredible sense of life in you - one that does get stronger with everything faced.

I'm glad you are here and am sorry for what you are going through with the anniversary.

Iggy

[Dan J.]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{CINDY}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm glad you are here with us.

Dan

[AlanBama]

Hi Cindy

I'm glad you're able to smile now, and reflect back on the good things, and not just the sickness and death.   I think grief is kind of like a toothache that won't go away...it still hurts, you just get more "used to it".

I'm glad you're with us.

Love & hugs,

Alan

[kellyspoppi]

moonlight,

we've only met recently through these forums, but this one issue we have dealt with not so long ago.

as you may recall, for me it was memorial weekend of 1989 that i lost my fiance joanne and a year later my dad. god, it is so hard to believe that 18 years have passed since that trajic night.

i had posted here, a while back,  the trauma i went through the night she died and how, fortunately, i have never had to relive that moment in my dreams.

unfortunately, in life, tragedies occur to those we love, and when they happen i feel this urge to reach out to try to help my friend go through that damn grieving process we are all left with when our loved one is ripped from our lives.

last night i was trying to explain to my granddaughters mom and newly married husband what it is like, because the brides sister had lost her fiance the day after the wedding in a motorcycle accident.

each time i try to help others in this situation, it is like reliving joannes death all over again. i get all emotional inside and that old wound is re-opened. as others here have posted, losing a loving life partner, someone who has touched your heart and soul,  the memory of their loss just never leaves you.

however, i can say this. over time i have allowed these sad anniversaries to pass without even knowing it. then there are other times when i visit their grave with flowers. but what shall never fade is the fond memories of the times we had together.

and what about this virus they left us with? as my favorite book (the celestine prophesy ) professes "everything happens for a reason".

i will never truly understand why the virus took joanne so quickly and not me for the past 22 years. but what i can say is that i was more angry at her being taken from me than with the virus she had left me with.  for it has been living with this virus that has enriched my life with more appreciation for what i have, for who i've met, for what i have done, and for what i will become.

part of that feeling of self worth comes from the deeds we do for others, and as i have scanned these threads and read your posts, you have done much to enrich the lives of others living with hiv, through your advise, your humor, your warmth, and your compassion.

so cindy, remember these words which were delivered in a message to me yesterday after i posted about the negative response i got from my company when they chose not to print my story in their newsletter:

"no one ever died of being afraid of something. fear is ok. it's complacency that'll kill ya."

congrats on the new poz BF! it sounds like love is in the air!

kellyspoppi    

[Bucko]

Cyn-

I posted a thread on the same topic in April:

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=11297.0

I'm here with you as your brain recounts your loss, sweetheart. You are not alone.

Love,
Brent

[MOONLIGHT1114]

Hi Everyone~

I slept so damn late today, cried my eyes out last night and just exhausted myself.  I needed to.  I rolled over today and the clock said 329pm.  How messed up is that?  I immediately thought "Wow, this day is more than half over.  This day that I don't want to think about....."  So, I am OK with sleeping in late.

TY all so much for your posts.  Some of you I hardly know, others I am very close with, and seeing Andy, Ann and Jan, our "den mothers" lol, post here, too, is great.  You all are so wonderful and have really said some nice things to me which help to keep me strong.  TY, ty, ty!

Betty~  Dave had just turned 28 when he died.  The last time I visited his grave was in June 2004 with my exBF, so its been awhile.  Its a bit of a drive, down near a bad part of DC, but perhaps I'll get down there again sometime.

RR~  You made me laugh with the little pill thing, but I think whatever I did, i.e. crying my eyes out last night, helped me to sleep most of this day away.  Thanks for the giggles through the tears, though!  

Em, Iggy, Al, KellisP~  All of you wrote some pretty deep stuff, too.  I'm glad that all of you sense that in me -- the strength.  Sometimes a lot can get lost through the internet, but I try to portray who I really am here.  Usually I am funny, trying to get a laugh outta everyone, but last night, I needed to be a little selfish and start this post for me.  

So, thank you all for being such great, compassionate people.

~Cindy

[milker]

Cin,

now your can add a positive side (no pun intended) to August 21st. You know that on August 21st 2007 you were not alone, you had friends on here that thought about you and were here to listen to you. I wish you happier August 21st for years to come

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Cindy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Milker.

[MOONLIGHT1114]

Milker~  You put the happiest spin on this thread.  I love you for that.  Its true, that's what I was replying back to Jan earlier in this thread.  This REALLY is the first time I have had "love" on this date, compassion from others who KNOW, who UNDERSTAND.  I can't even get that from my family because they have such bitterness towards my late husband.  I don't blame them for that, but it only takes the healing so far with me, when I talk with them.  Here, I can be ME.

Brent~  I just read your entire thread that you linked above.  So much depth, emotion, love, hurt and tears.  I agree with Daddy Tim, I felt like I was there as well.  I could picture you going through those days.  It helped me to "see" what you saw and to know that I'm not alone with these dreaded feelings today.  It reminded me so much of Dave during his final weeks and days.  Thank you for sharing your personal experience with me (us).  Love you, sweetie.

~Cindy

[GSOgymrat]

I'm sure it is hard enough to lose your husband without HIV being in the mix. I've been worried lately about losing my partner to lymphoma. Like your husband, he is going to be forever linked to my HIV infection. I don't have any words of wisdom that others haven't added but I sympathize with what you are going through. Thanks for sharing your feelings on here.

Ford

[Christine]

Hi Cindy,
Just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Christine

[red_Dragon888]

...my late husband.  This day just always has a grip around me, no matter what I do.  I should be happy because I am alive, because I have a new wonderful pos guy in my life for the first time ever.  I know there's so much to be thankful for, and grateful for, but instead I am just sinking in this misery tonight. 

I have never had anyone to talk to that understands.  This Forum is the closest I can get to having true friends.  I wish all of you were right outside my door right now and not miles away.  I try so damn hard to be strong and cheerful and this virus can just zap all of my emotional strength, just because of one stupid day. 

I just want to be normal again, I just want to be me again, I want to be strong, I don't want to be tired, I want to be loved.  Why can't I have just one or two of these things?  WHY?

I just really needed to vent tonight to help myself get through this.  You guys are the only ones who understand this.  Thank goodness for all of you.

~Cindy         

Hey, venting is good.  It mean there is growth and life.  Maybe you are not ready to let go of the past or that maybe you haven't looked hard enough to see that this is life and it is not the end.  Maybe your bf was a learning experience and the 2.5 years was not a waste.  Afterall, it taught you to look more carefully before you jump into a relationship.  Maybe the normal you seek does not exist because you have changed and that is good. The normal you were then is not the same now.  I do not want to say I know all the answers but I want to say that you have alot to live for.  I remember once when I was 20 something there was a running joke that went, "I once knew all the answers to life's problems and then someone went ahead and changed all the questions."      To be normal takes time, to be strong takes commitment, to be happy... well that is up to you.  I hope you choose happy.  Next year, if I were you, I would think of all the good times, the best times, and let all that good remind me that better times are yet to come.  Take care.

 

[pozguy75]

Cindy...know this:

You are strong, why cause you keep going, when you could have just given up...
You are you, why cause you nothing will change who are inside...though we think that sometimes a change in our outer atmosphere can change us...it can't we are who we are, sometimes it can take us awhile to find our way back.
You want to be normal...this is normal now...we move through our daily routine and nothing has changed except a tiny, a very tiny bit...normalcy is obtainable...
You don't want to be tired...get more sleep (I am kidding). I too want not be tired anymore...but sometimes we need to work through our tiredness to be alert...it will come.
You want to be loved...Cindy, you are loved. Here you are loved, the physical is sometimes harder to obtain than the emotional...but that too will happen!

Today is a hard day...your ex-gave us all the ultimate sacrifice, I know that these words may sound hollow  and contrite...but I mean them. I am sure that you will get stronger and more loved as everyday goes on. You will have us here in the mean time!

J

[Dragonette]

hi Cind

love you, and I am definately not the only one to feel this way.

Dragonette in London

[MOONLIGHT1114]

TY, everyone, glad to have slept most of that day away, and glad that its over now. 

~Cindy

[JamieD]

Cindy-

I don't know what to say other then BIG HUG and KISS. 


Jamie

[thunter34]

Wow, Cindy.  What a beautiful and honest post you've made.  Lovin' you, girl.  I'm always here when you need.

T

[JPinLA]

Cindy - wanted to add in my thoughts of love and support.  To have an outlet for unedited expression of what you are going through without fear of judgement is a wonderful thing.  You seem to me to be a resilient, caring and wonderful person.  I send my love to you from the west coast.

Jason

[PeteNYNJ]

Hi Cindy

Sorry for coming into this so late - I hope you made it through the day and are now celebrating Aug 22nd

You are so strong and I can imagine loved by all who meet you.  You are definitely loved here and I am glad you joined our little family.

Sending good vibes your way

Pete

[MOONLIGHT1114]

Thanks again to all of you who continue to show me your compassion and support.  I can't express to you how damn GOOD it feels to have a new family in these forums! 

I really DO appreciate your kind words.  Yesterday I was a wreck, even had a Sustiva nightmare last night, lol, which is very rare for me.  I am feeling much better today and I am SMILING!   

Hugs to ALL of you today wherever you are!

~Cindy

[pozattitude]

beautiful Cindy,

I read your post when it first came out but I didn't really know what to say.  I didn't lose a husband and the person who infected me is well and alive so I felt hypocritical if I said I understand what you are going through.
I wanted to say something meaningful and make you feel better, but I am don't know what to say except that I am sorry you had to experience this type of pain and that we love you very much here is this forum.

Rich
(who usually has no problems coming up with something to say)

[DCGUY2007]

Cindy sorry for your loss. I can really understand. loneliness and memories are difficult. Wish could give you a big hug. Hang in there. We never know what good things are around the corner 

[MOONLIGHT1114]

TY for thinking of me, sweet of you, and it really helps! 

[JeffreyM]

Cindy, My arms go out to you with a great big hug  on the 11 th anniversary of the passing of your Husband.  You give so much to others here and are such a strong, loving friend.  I thank goodness I met you. I'm sorry I have not responded to this earlier, I have been out of  it this week.  Just know that you are not alone ever, with all the good people here. I know that your life has a lot of great things on store for you. Thanks for lifting me up and making me laugh. Love JeffreyM

[Miss Philicia]

What a lovely posting Cindy though of course sad at the same time.  I apologize for just reading this now but I was out of town when you posted it initially.  I hope that the anniversary was not excruciating and that the solace you find on this board helped you.

[Jeffreyj]

Cindy,
I can relate to your "day of pain" my wife died 7 years ago. Even though you know the day is coming, when it gets here, it is a very hard thing to cope with, and make sense of. Its not just another day on th calender. It is so much more then that.
In my case, luckily, I focus and remember the good times. There were so many. I used to run away from this day, but I felt like doing that was kind of a rip off for both of us. We both deserved to be remembered as the great couple we actually were. Now, I look forward to the day, to remember the goodness of her heart, the greatness of her soul.

It is now a great day, indeed. I look forward to the next one. I hope you can too.

All the Best,
Jeffrey J

[cayucosguy]

Cindy -

September 11th will be the 23rd Anniv. since my partner departed this wonderful earth.  I know exactly how U feel.  I have continued to live - sometimes not knowing how I have made it, especially those day's went I didn't want to, without him.  To lose someone you are so "living" with; so "comfortable", so PERFECT with...

I can't wait until the day we can ALL (from AMG) meet; give each other the hugs, kisses, and support that we all  project through the ether.... you really need to b at the next 7, yes 7 - minimum, AMG gatherings...

I'm giving you my hugs, warmth, and strength... and, hope to connect with you in the near future.... in person...

Vince

[red_Dragon888]

Live Strong