Battling depression feelings...

[jampdx]

I know there isn't really anything anyone can say, to make this better or take the pain away, but I'm really starting to feel the reality setting in I think.  I really coasted right along and still am, going on facts, feeling empowered by knowledge, testimonials, and that is still true.... I think it is more just... not being HIV negative if I met someone and wishing I had companionship for so long, and now another hurdle, also having weird health stuff to where my body feels funny. Damn.

Truly, I try not to complain.  I am so blessed to be alive during a time where this is manageable, I have dear friends around me that love me with their whole heart, I have a job and health insurance, and all of this is true...  but there is this lump in my stomach that I can't make come out, I haven't cried yet and am not feeling a whole lot closer to making that happen. 

Really, I'm unsure if this is a vent, rant, or what the heck.  The last 24 hours, more and more I've just felt emotionally heavier.  I am taking steps also with joining a workshop through a great organization here for newly diagnosed people, I've scheduled an appointment with a therapist, made sure my diet was healthy.  It feels like I can give all the right answers, but that sadness is still there. 

Oddly, I'm not really scared of HIV after reading so much, having a great Dr with lots of knowledge,  and of course everyone on this forum sharing so much info.  Hell, I whine about being single, but it's been 5 years... I don't know that anything was going to change with that right away, if I was negative. haha. 

Probably a good portion of the whole problem is not talking to my family about it.  We talk about anything and everything and this just isn't one I'm ready to yet.  I don't want them to make this a "gay person" disease through their fundamental Christian views, and being from a small farm in the middle of no where, that's just how they look at some things.  I also worry, they won't hear anything after the words "HIV" but just fall and hit the deck.  Possibly some day, but I want to be strong before that happens.

Thank you for listening.  What a strange feeling.  Probably always being such a strong person, the rock for everyone, the person who makes everyone laugh... it feels foreign to just want to be down and sit and cry, yet I can't even do that, because the tears won't come.

Much love to you all.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/jacobm111/3278808960/

[jampdx]

I just wanted to post a cool quote I just now read...

"The more sorrow carves out your heart, the more joy you can contain." -Khalil Gibran

[positivmat]

Hey I know the feeling of being too strong to let your feelings out.  I am the oldest in my family.  My sisters and brothers were hell raisers who really got a lot of attention by acting out all their pain.  I come from a very conservative family down South.  It could be that shock of the situation is still protecting you from the reality of the situation or it could be that you just won't have that emotional reaction to this.  It's a good thing that you are reaching out as much as you can to a therapist and a group.  I can't really get to a group situation yet and i feel that it would really help me.  I have been meditating a lot which is great for making you really aware of feelings and how fleeting they are.  

It's funny that you bring up how little changed everything really is being HIV positive.  I reflect on that all the time.  My big problem is viewing myself as damaged and ruined.  This disease really strikes me at the core of who I am.  My feelings are a little more on the surface though.  I have been prone to crying spontaneously, panic attacks, sleepless nights obsessing about my new status and who gave it to me.  i think depression is the norm.  It will be good to go a support group and let all those feelings out.  I am hoping that the more i breathe all this poison out, the more I will be able to accept myself as a guy who happens to be poz and deal with my life from here on out.  

Hope that you win the battle with your depression.  I think that it is key to talk and feel as much as you can now in a safe supportive environment.  Feel free to pm if you want to chat more and good luck.
Matt

[franfrog]

Well I have to say I know how you feel.  I was diagnosed 4 years ago and was so ok with my diagnosis.  I had great family to support me, a husband that stood by my side.  Up until just recently did the depression start to hit me and I had to start on medicine and see a therapist.  As I still have feelings of different things that where will I be and what will this disease do to me, etc.. I definitely think it has gotten better. 

I don't know how long you have known about your status but remember that you are not alone.  Eventually I think everyone will go through some sort of depression.  No matter a rant or just to let some steam off or whatever, you will always have support here. 
Good luck

[maddalfred]

I just wanted to post a cool quote I just now read...

"The more sorrow carves out your heart, the more joy you can contain." -Khalil Gibran

OMG. Another lover of a master! Perhaps you might remember this one, spoken by Bobby Kennedy at the eulogy of his brother, JFK:

"And in our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, until in our own despair, against our own will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God".

I am far from a religious person, but I love the quote and the poet anyway.

Let me know if you are not familiar or don't want to Google it.

I feel your pain.

Rex

p.s. I consider The Prophet to be the my most favorite of all books I have ever read.

[Structure310]

Hey Jam,
I'm totally where you are too.  I have been depressed these past couple days and really sensitive and clingy with my friends.  In my mind I imagine them knowing and slowly filtering me out of their lives.  So to compensate I ask for more of them than I normally do, in a sense test their friendship, as if they already knew.  It's so bizarre.  I broke out in tears when I felt like a friend changed plans on me this weekend, when in fact the plans were the same essentially.  I think going to a support group and meeting other poz people is key for us, I haven't but plan to very soon.  This is really weighing on me now that I know I'll be taking meds in a week. 

[mecch]

Its been "sinking in" since last May now, I'm with you.
I think its important to counteract the "sinking" feeling with some uplifting affirmations that there are opportunities and discoveries and growth that come with this change of life experience.

[jampdx]

I can't think you all enough for your replies.  Sometimes when intense emotion is involved, it's difficult to formulate the feelings into words, even though you're searching.  All of your posts meant a lot to me.

Jacob

[michaelman333]

Ah the last coupl;e weeks have been hard in the northwest everyone i know has been in a funk... but hey I can say that there is much caring and heartfelt feelings for you and hoping if you ever need to talk you can just reach out ... i am not too far away so if you ever wanna chat or anything just let me know I can relate to a lot of the feelings you described....

[dtwpuck]

Depression is normal. 
I know that sounds trite, but here's the thing:   you have to acknowledge all of your feelings.  Live them.  Feel them. 

Being poz causes a lot of us to deal with our issues in a more urgent way.  One of those issues for a lot of us is the tendency not to deal with our own issues by rushing to help everyone else all the time.  It makes us feel good to be the rock.  If we spend all our time thinking about other people's problems, then we don't have to think about our own.    It's commendable to help others.  In fact, it's downright saintly.  But...

You cannot help others if you cannot help yourself.  Yes, this is a cliche... but cliches begin with a truth.

You have friends.  It's their turn to help you.  Ask for help.  Ask for help and don't offer anything in return but the fact that you need help.  Feel your depression.  Sometimes the world is a bit dark.  It's OK.  The world isn't going to end.   You can handle it.  You can learn about yourself and become wiser for it.   You are still the funny guy who makes everyone laugh.    You are still you.  You just found the part of you that you hide.