Date is best friends with my colleague. Disclose? When? Trust?

[mecch]

I went on a date with a guy who seems like good dating material.  Turns out his best friend is a colleague of mine.  So I believe in disclosure when it comes to sex with dates - especially when its about a potential connection or relationship or whatever.

But what if he blabs to my colleague.  He wants to have sex already, I'm not sure how to stall long enough to see if I can trust his discretion.  What if I disclose next date, and we screw and we go out a few weeks or something like that and he decides Im a loser or something, and blabs for some reason to my colleague.

No way am I gonna sleep with him without disclosing.

I don't want to be outed with HIV professionally, though I'm hardly discrete with friends.  

Advice?

[Hellraiser]

Disclose sooner rather than later and pinky swear him to not tell anyone on pain of death.  Tell him that you're placing your trust in him and you may want to specifically mention that you don't want your colleague to know.  If you think he's a decent human being he shouldn't go talking, but anytime you disclose there's a chance those people will then disclose to someone you know.

[skeebo1969]

   Mecch, that's a tough one.  Due to the fear I would have of him running his mouth I would probably avoid it.

[Boo Radley]

Maybe you can convince him you're Haitian?

Sorry... I don't have any useful advice (amazing, I know) but you just have to feel this one out.  I wish you were able to be open about your HIV status but I'm not in your shoes.   When I became comfortable enough I let everyone who mattered know and luckily never had any problems.  If I were in your shoes I'd tread cautiously and play old fashioned Doris Day until/if you felt he could be trusted or is really worth the risk. 

Good luck.  I hope in 2010 more people are educated and comfortable but know it's not the case in many places.     

[tokyodecadence]

Personally, I have a strict rule about dating friends and colleagues, because of that very reason. But I think that regardless of how bad he "wants to have sex already", tell him to wait until you feel comfortable enough to disclose. Maybe you'll discover that he could get freaked out and blab. While I definitely agree with Hell in that you should tell him sooner, you should only tell when you feel comfortable enough in doing so. I don't think it's as cut-and-dry as ASAP, given the circumstances. As long as it's before the intercourse, of course. :p But that's just MHO.

[Cliff]

...guess you have decide what's more important to you, sex with him (accepting there is a risk he will tell his buddy) and always disclosing before having sex (accepting there is a risk.....ummm, well).

If dating and sex comes easy to you, I'd leave it and move on.

[next2u]

don't have sex with him until you know. put out some feelers...

i'd probably walk away from this one...i don't mix work and pleasure. you have to go back to work everyday but you don't have to see this man everyday. as a matter of fact, i'd def keep him as a friend for undisclosed reasons and pursue my romantic interests elsewhere.

best,
d

[darkerpozz]

First off congratulations  for stay for staying strong in the dating arena...
Sticky situation...I have a thought. How about a well chosen movie about Aid's to maybe start a dialogue so you could feel out the waves in the  ocean better cause it will allow you to see where he is about sex,trust,emotionally present in what could be quite  opening manner. Just a thought. Good Luck however it works

[tednlou2]

This guy is believed to be HIV neg?  On top of him outing you, you are facing possible rejection due to your HIV status?  Unless you have a big spark for this guy and believe he does for you too, I would not go there--given you don't want people at work to know.

I have never told my best friend I'm poz due to his big mouth.  He cannot keep a secret.  The good thing about that is that he cannot lie.  The bad thing is that I'm afraid if I tell him, he'll tell his mom, who will tell someone, who will tell my mom.  I'm the same way sometimes.  I have secrets that I'm dying to tell.  If it is something like HIV, I wouldn't tell. 

If you guys really have the spark for one another (and we all usually know when there's a spark and something special), then I would take the risk.

[mecch]

Wow, thanks for all the responses.
The colleague is a women by the way.
Neither seem especially hip nor especially square.  He seems more square than her, actually.

I was leaning to what the general consensus is - caution. 

As I said, if he wasn't friends with my colleague, I would just tell him pronto and take the reaction in stride.

And I don't know if there is a spark - I know normally I'd be in the sack with him if this issue hadn't presented.

[BlueMoon]

It will be passed on if you tell him.

[mecch]

zut alors.

[MarkB]

This is a real issue and I don't want to seem overly glib about it, but given this guy's proximity to your colleague, isn't there the danger - even apart from the HIV question - that intimacy with him might not end up with comments being made to her about everything from the contents of your sock drawer to your refined taste for Louis XIV flocked wallpaper?

Perhaps the two key questions are (1) what would his feelings be in general about a relationship with an HIV+ partner; and (2) how confidential is he?

[mecch]

Of course.  

But serving good or cheap champagne is fair gossip.  

If i were a hidden drug addict or alcoholic, I wouldn't want my colleagues to know because those are negative things.  

Being HIV+ is only a problem of their potential prejudice.  It's got not much to do with my work and insurance has nothing to do with work here.  I was a bit screwed up for a few months after seroconversion but I was much more screwed up a year before when my LTR exploded.  In fact, I had a nervous breakdown about that, it was one thing on top of another, first my bf seroconverted, then he fell apart, then he used his HIV to push me around horrible and swore me to secrecy with lies and threats, then he took a hot young closet case lover (to cure his "AIDS" otherwise he was "dying") so more secrecy - no talking permitted.

I remember I was a zombie that fall semester but asked a shrink to put me together to keep my job.  I told a director what had happened - so I outed my EX in my workplace, but two completely different worlds - no connection to my ex's friends or workplace.  

So maybe thats the key. I don't think a guy would disclose if all is well, but if the shit hit the fan after a few months, hmmmmm, you never know what people will say.

Oh hell.  

See Im conflicted as well.  Im not in the closet at work, by the way, to anyone.  

Maybe have faith in this world and tell this guy cause he needs to know and let the chips fall where they will.  Neah. I want my tenure this summer, and that delicious salary!  

[darkerpozz]

I  got to give you props for the honest thought process...