POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: Rockin on December 20, 2012, 09:08:33 am
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Had 3 dates with this guy. Really interesting and really nice. Last night we fooled around a bit. No penetration, he did oral on me a little...I got concerned, as I always do even though, being UND for more than 6 months, there is no real risk.
So before sleeping in his bed we were talking about behaviors in gay culture in the UK and I brought up HIV and how it seems that people in general are more open-minded about it. I didn't say I was poz (nor did he asked) but he basically said that he's always been a bit hypochondriac and during a period in his life he was getting tested every month, even though he said he wasn't doing any bareback and even had to go to a shrink to talk about his infection fears. He said he's better now and that he knows that as long as he uses condom he'll be fine, but I don't know how true that is.
So yeah, major cold shower...we won't see each other during the holidays but I was looking forward in attempting something more serious but now I'm not even sure I should keep on going with this. I'm afraid that, if and when I tell him, he will freak out because of the oral, regardless of my UND status. Or may feel that I "tricked" him. Which I didn't...I never lied, he never asked...I saw that he was avoiding my pre-cum so yeah, he's very cautious about it, which is good in a way.
It's been a little over a year for me so I'm still not brave enough to just say it like that and, to be honest, I don't think he would have gone out with me if he knew it before hand. And I had a great time with him, even if nothing else happens anymore.
I'm healthy, I'm confident and I'm not worried about dying at all but this part is the one that kills me. I just had to let this out since I don't have any HIV+ friends yet.
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I think you still have a responsibility to disclose before any sexual contact, regardless if you're undetectable. UD doesn't mean your HIV free.
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I think you still have a responsibility to disclose before any sexual contact, regardless if you're undetectable. UD doesn't mean your HIV free.
Don't you think that's a little bit of heavy handed advice your dishing out here , especially from some one who has been living with HIV a whopping whole 2 months such as yourself .
Statements like this is how those god awful disclosure threads start .
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Statements like this is how those god awful disclosure threads start .
indeed
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I think you still have a responsibility to disclose before any sexual contact, regardless if you're undetectable. UD doesn't mean your HIV free.
It's amazing the amount of self-loathing and judging that goes on between ourselves. I'm just human, I'm still trying to figure things out and trying my best but I honestly don't think I put this guy's health at risk even for a second. I did my research, I did my homework, I know how to separate facts from irrational mumbo jumbo.
Not only that but I didn't even make him do oral on me, he wanted to do it...just like he probably does to all other guys he has sex with, regardless of their health status.
Anyway, we agreed to try to see each other after new year's...will see what happens. If I feel like he wants a relationship I'll definitely tell him before anything else happens.
Wishing for a happy ending but I know that's unlikely at this point.
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Good to hear you're crushing. That is an awesome feeling. I hope it works out.
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It's amazing the amount of self-loathing and judging that goes on between ourselves. I'm just human, I'm still trying to figure things out and trying my best but I honestly don't think I put this guy's health at risk even for a second. I did my research, I did my homework, I know how to separate facts from irrational mumbo jumbo.
Not only that but I didn't even make him do oral on me, he wanted to do it...just like he probably does to all other guys he has sex with, regardless of their health status.
Anyway, we agreed to try to see each other after new year's...will see what happens. If I feel like he wants a relationship I'll definitely tell him before anything else happens.
Wishing for a happy ending but I know that's unlikely at this point.
Well said,
There is a reason they call them crushes right, but they are sooo much fun.
Take you time, display confidence, and enjoy yourself.
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Well said,
There is a reason they call them crushes right, but they are sooo much fun.
Take you time, display confidence, and enjoy yourself.
I say crush because it might be too early to say anything else.
But yes, if he asked me to be my boyfriend tonight I would say yes.
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I say crush because it might be too early to say anything else.
But yes, if he asked me to be my boyfriend tonight I would say yes.
This is good stuff :) - and don't fret about the judgmental people. Many times, they are one ones with the most issues around being poz. If anything, try to remember that in a year or two they will likely be reminded of some of the stuff they said early on and wince.
Hope so anyway.
That having been said, if this guy wants to be your boyfriend it's probably time to disclose. My personal "red zone" has always been the emotional commitment to the relationship. As an HIV educator I can keep HIV to myself without a lot of fuss. But the heart tends to want an honest beginning to anything substantial. I have deviated from that motto at my own peril.
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Hey Rockin;
It's amazing the amount of self-loathing and judging that goes on between ourselves. I'm just human, I'm still trying to figure things out and trying my best but I honestly don't think I put this guy's health at risk even for a second. I did my research, I did my homework, I know how to separate facts from irrational mumbo jumbo.
Not only that but I didn't even make him do oral on me, he wanted to do it...just like he probably does to all other guys he has sex with, regardless of their health status.
Anyway, we agreed to try to see each other after new year's...will see what happens. If I feel like he wants a relationship I'll definitely tell him before anything else happens.
Wishing for a happy ending but I know that's unlikely at this point.
You are absolutely right, but I hope your are wrong about it being unlikely...
Wish you the best,
JM
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Q: Has there ever been a documented case of transmission during oral sex without ejaculation?
A: No
So, why would you have the responsibility to tell?
[sarcasm]
In that case perhaps you should also warn your partner of your HIV status before kissing or touching him? I mean, there aren't any documented cases of transmission for those either, but hey, you never know...
[/sacasm]
As for the guy being hypochondriac: that sounds bad. :( I try to stay away from these type of guys (emotionally) because I see little hope that they will change their attitude even if they realize themselves how little sense it makes. People just don't change easily.
Still, you could tell the guy anyway. Even if he doesn't take it too well, it might be a good learning experience for you (both of you). From what I understand you have not disclosed to anyone you have sex with, yet? It's not easy. The first time I was super nervous and that didn't really help to make the other guy feel calm about it either. Some 10 or so disclosures later I find it much easier and approach the situation more confident (even though I still chose who I tell and who I don't).
All the best!
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Wish there was a magical answers, but it's kind of a unique journey for each of us. The first time is tough, then it gets easier, then it just isn't an issue.
As someone mentioned, we all develop our "red zones". You'll discover yours.
Safe sex can be just as hot so go for it.
Wolfe
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On the next date, tell him and tell him well before you are in a bedroom, or car, or ski gondola or wherever :o getting ready for the hot and heavy.
Try not to anticipate all his possible reactions because its futile. If he can deal, great. If he can't, in fact, you have cut your losses finding out. Because if he can't deal, nothing is possible, obviously, and it doesn't have anything to do with you. rather its about a person afraid of viruses.
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Thanks guys, means a lot. So far I only had sex encounters (SAFE sex encounters) so that's why I haven't told anyone yet...I decided I'd only do it if it was with potential BF's cause I don't think I could deal with the amount of rejection that comes along with disclosure. I wouldn't call myself emotionally unstable but rejection is something I'm not fine with AT ALL. When it happens I isolate myself and resort to drinking.
One of the reasons I liked him is because we went on 3 dates before even kissing. It was so refreshing, so old-fashioned...most guys are all about fucking first and asking questions later. Actually this seems to be the motto here in London...it's all about sex parties, heavy drugs and couples (my grindr is filled with couples looking for sex...I try not to judge but I hate it, if I had a BF I'd keep him to myself, thank you).