Being HIV+: Not The End Of Desire

[Amosboy]

Friends,

I learned a few good things about the truth.  It will help you keep your wood.  At 19, my first real sexual encounter with a man ended with a positive diagnosis.  That was in 1986.  Back then, things were a lot different.  There was not so much hope and longevity in the future.  So, I did not get the "follow up" visit to the doctor.  Basically, I slipped into a dark place of denial.  I tried the "safe but silent" route but that just ended in humiliation and impotence.  Even with a half a fifth of Bombay Gin in me, I still could not truly separate myself from the truth.  I was always a big flirt and somewhat of a tease.  What a pity I could not deliver on my Casanova promises!  I stayed with that first boyfriend for about four years, but at 19, I was still horny for strange flesh.  Funny now, looking back, I really never was much of a sexual robot, even before my initial diagnosis.  I was giving plasma at a place in college to support my new obsession with CDs.  Please read my "Music for Medicine" post for those details.  I guess a part of me envied that quality in my friends who could get wood as easy as they could breathe.

The whole "safe but silent" things was not working for me, not to mention the guilt of being a cheating little whore.  During a period of intense sexual energy, I had this awful, deep, dark secret.  Guilt and regret can be such ugly, unforgiving emotions.  More Bombay Gin created less struggles with my conscience but I would indefinitely sober up enough to see my wood shrivel up.

What a strange predicament to be in.  In the late 80s, people were consumed with irrational fear and paranoia, myself included.  For roughly ten years, I repeated this vicious circle of denial and bad sexual experiences.  I felt like damaged goods, full of the fear of rejection.  All the while, my friends were shagging like wild animals.  I was more than a little confused and just a tad bit jealous.  It was a dark period, full of conflict.  Being HIV positive did not make me less full of desire, just more tentative about allowing myself to be fully charged, so to speak.

I had finally reached a point in my life where I was ready to really look at the ugliness inside of me, and it was not so ugly after all.  I decided what I really wanted was intimacy with people and I could not really achieve that by not confronting my fear.  HIV and AIDS were everywhere in the media by the mid 90s and people were suddenly being exposed to hope and realism about the disease.  I decided to actually go the to doctor and see just how much damage I had done to my body over the ten year period of self-medicating/numbing.  That's when I decided to "come out" about my HIV to the world, including my parents.  I would had done it much earlier but I was sure that it would send my mother to an early grave.  Surprise!  It did not.  My parents were visibly shaken not by the fact that I was HIV positive but by the fact that I had not sought out any support system for ten years, both medically and emotionally. 

I literally did not tell anyone during that entire period.  My boyfriend at the time was all I had, and I had left him years ago because he was basically being a "sexual terrorist".  He was a sexual robot.  In retrospect, I think we were just too different to make it work.  Being HIV+ is not the end of desire.  People now always ask me, "Would you ever want to go back and do things differently?"  Well, I have news for you, you cannot for starters.  And in a strange kind of way, being HIV+ has kind of enhanced my life.  Sure, I wish I could have had a boat load of sailors in my twenties to take on, but it just did not work out that way.  Besides, life does not give any of us any guarantees.  Any of us could drop dead tomorrow by some other twist of fate.  I say that coming to terms with my HIV has made me a more gracious, patient, loving, empathetic person.  I do not hold on to petty bullshit like many people I know.  I tend to let things go more easily and I do not hold on to any unnecessary negativity.  It is a cancer.

I do wish that I could have found the courage to accept my illness a little sooner.  I think I enjoy telling people about being HIV positive now.  My current partner is HIV negative and I told him within the first five minutes of our meeting.  Ten years later we are still together.  With my honesty in the bedroom came new found wood!  I experienced a what I call a sexual revolution later in life, and I do find myself wishing it would have come a little earlier in life.  My partner of ten years has been with hundreds of sexual partners before and I still find myself a little envious of that, though I do not think I could ever really act on my horny little distractions.  Me and Mr. Rosey palm have had many great encounters.  I lucky enough to have a relationship where I can verbalize these feeling and frustrations to him, though I do not rock the boat too much.  A ten second orgasm probably is not worth a ten year relationship.

For those of you who are newly HIV positive, I would say try your best to find your strength and be honest.  It has to be easier now than it was 20 years ago when people were so much less informed.  Trust me, being HIV+ is not the end of desire.  And you will still be horny and still want to have sex.  I am not a "preachy person" because I certainly did not make the wisest decision to glide right down on a naked love pole at 19, but you should protect yourself from contracting any other STDs or different strains of the virus. 

You are worth protecting yourself as much as protecting others.  Now stop reading this and go have sex:  Being HIV+ is not the end of desire.

Brooks

[aztecan]

Hey Brooks,

What a great post! I can certainly empathize with you - at least in part. I was one of those sexual robots of sorts.

And I have a few years on you.

You are absolutely correct. HIV doesn't stop desire.

HUGS,

Mark

[Esquare]

Brooks,
That was a great post. I found my self feeling a little better about things as I read through it.

[Eldon]

Hey Brooks,

It is good to hear from you once again. Especially when you are coming from the heart within about your truths and your experiences in this life.

There does come a time when each and every one of us has, had, or will come to that "point" or "fork" or "crossroads" in our life. During this time is when we all pause for a moment to make a determination on which direction we will continue to travel in or the opposite on our journey in this life.

In fact, this is where self-realization or revelations of our lives take place in order to create an awareness within us. Once we become aware of these instances, then our entire perception for this life will change in accordance to that awareness.

I DO agree with you that HIV/AIDS does not stop the desire that is within each and every one of us.

There is a thread on "How has HIV/AIDS changed you?" --- After reading over the replies, it has changed many our lives in so many ways.

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=5918.0

Thank you for being open, honest and real about sharing your experiences in your life with us.

Make the BEST of each Day!

[poet]

Brooks, thank you for sharing your story, especially for those who still grapple with the disclosure issue or are just starting into sero-discordant relationships, one positive, one negative, how do we do it.  Any comments about the latter would be very useful given another thread we have had recently which you may even have found and read.  Win

[allopathicholistic]

Excellent post. I love the clarity and honesty in it. Keep them coming! We love sharing here

[o]

Hallo Brooks,

It is never too late for anything in life? :-)  it was so nice to read your story. Thank you for sharing.

o

[racingmind]

I am in a +/- relationship (I'm positive) and me and my bf finally had sex after a 3 month hiatus after I got my bad news.  I thought that I would never want to have sex again, but my sex drive returned eventually.  Then I thought that my bf would be too scared to have sex.....but then out of the blue....the only thing that changed is that we used a condom.  After 5 years of not using them I thought there might be a performance problem...but it was exactly the same!  Even better because it had been months!   I can't describe how happy it made me to feel somewhat "back to normal"!

Dxx

[allopathicholistic]

I am in a +/- relationship (I'm positive) and me and my bf finally had sex after a 3 month hiatus after I got my bad news.  I thought that I would never want to have sex again, but my sex drive returned eventually.  Then I thought that my bf would be too scared to have sex.....but then out of the blue....the only thing that changed is that we used a condom.  After 5 years of not using them I thought there might be a performance problem...but it was exactly the same!  Even better because it had been months!   I can't describe how happy it made me to feel somewhat "back to normal"!

Dxx

That's great news!