So tired

[darkerpozz]

Ann, I apologize for my curtness. I agree I have not been on meds for twenty years, but I had this virus in me for that long. The day I was rejected for giving blood was the late 80's and I new what it meant, but fear kept me away. Fear of rejection has kept me running since and finding acceptance while many say it ain't all that hard haven't been in my shoes, so the simple rejection from a forum just hit me wrong. I have spent 2009 trying to come to terms in a more demonstrative manner and as you can tell by my response it has been exhausting and I read the numerous wonderous responses andd just wanted to be a part of something positive so bad. No such luck. I know there is something out there but I continually hit walls....and then I read that it would be selfish to end it yet nobody is in my shoes. Somedays are just unbearable.  I am struggling so bad and so lost.. . so I again say it is indeed more difficult the more melanin you have. it just is. I can cry about everything else but this keeps me dry which hurts the more. I will make it but the loneliness will probably follow...I just don't know

[Ann]

darkerpozz, thank you for your apology, although it wasn't all that necessary. I appreciate it all the same.

Do I understand correctly that you had a blood donation rejected in the late 80s, you weren't told why, but you suspected your blood tested positive for hiv? When did you eventually "officially" test positive?

I'm asking you this because you may actually meet the criteria for the LTS forum. You don't necessarily have to have taken meds before 1996, but you do need to be "officially" diagnosed before that. There are other LTS members who were diagnosed before 1996 but weren't on meds back then and they post in LTS. Hopefully some LTS members will chime in on this thread and let you know what they think - if you "officially" tested before 1996. Just guessing about your status before then doesn't count.

There are several threads in both the LTS and Living forums where the issue of who can and cannot post in the LTS forum - and why - is discussed. Please don't take my telling you that you may not meet the criteria for that forum personally or take it as a rejection - anyone who doesn't meet the criteria is told the same and also requested to not post there. I'm not supposed to post there either - the only time I do is when I need to for moderation purposes.

I'm sorry this situation made you upset and please know that you are very much welcome and wanted in the rest of the forums - aside from the women's forum, as I'm sure you can understand.

Hang in there and please do continue to reach out here. There are plenty of caring people here who want you to not feel so all alone.

Hugs,
Ann
xxx



ps - for those of you who may be wondering what prompted this discussion, it was because there has been some doubt over darkerpozz's LTS status and whether or not he meets the criteria for posting in the LTS forum, where he has posted several times now.

[red_Dragon888]

Ann, I apologize for my curtness. I agree I have not been on meds for twenty years, but I had this virus in me for that long. The day I was rejected for giving blood was the late 80's and I new what it meant, but fear kept me away. Fear of rejection has kept me running since and finding acceptance while many say it ain't all that hard haven't been in my shoes, so the simple rejection from a forum just hit me wrong. I have spent 2009 trying to come to terms in a more demonstrative manner and as you can tell by my response it has been exhausting and I read the numerous wonderous responses andd just wanted to be a part of something positive so bad. No such luck. I know there is something out there but I continually hit walls....and then I read that it would be selfish to end it yet nobody is in my shoes. Somedays are just unbearable.  I am struggling so bad and so lost.. . so I again say it is indeed more difficult the more melanin you have. it just is. I can cry about everything else but this keeps me dry which hurts the more. I will make it but the loneliness will probably follow...I just don't know

I have to say that before all I want to do is cry so I do know where you are coming from.  In around 1986, I was positive for HIV, but I was sure that I was positive in 1982/84.  What has kept me going was that in my heart I refused to give up or give in.  What really help was that I could talk to someone about all the stress in my life and that helped allot.  Yes, LTS may know best but I hope you also get professional aid caused a good psych doctor helps greatly.  Now, I feel less stress and ready to fight HIV with hope and promise of a cure or at least with drugs that will hold off the virus until there is a cure.  Yeah it is lonely out there even with people who can help but for me I had to get up and get help and hope for the best for in the end that is all I or anyone has.  What I did was to look for answers, and if not, find those who can help me get answers.  This forum helped immensely, my analysis help, and I hope you can get the help you need.  
p.s. I was not big on shrinks but I was surprise that it worked.
p.s.s. darkerpozz souds too dark and negative to me.  Maybe you should change it to BrighterDay.

[darkerpozz]

thanks for the kind words dragon. Life is what it is and sometimes one just has to roll with the punches or you will be knocked out. The name darkerpozz was hint about my chocolaty appearance.

[darkerpozz]

Ann to your question. I was told by a nurse that I had antibdies for the virus showing up so I was unable to donate blood,so it in fact was not an official diagnosis but ...

[Ann]

And when did you receive your official diagnosis?

[red_Dragon888]

thanks for the kind words dragon. Life is what it is and sometimes one just has to roll with the punches or you will be knocked out. The name darkerpozz was hint about my chocolaty appearance.

As Whoopie would say then it should be "AfricanAmericanpozz."