I tested positive a few months ago, I feel so sad and dumb

[fullmoon]

Hello everybody.

I'm a 22 year old french boy. I tested positive a few months ago (August). I decided to take a test because, for the first time, I had unprotected anal sex with a guy (in July). When the doctor said I was positive I thought I was dreaming, I was so sad.
It turned out the guy I was having unprotected anal sex with is negative (thank god I haven't contamined him), and after analizing my Western Blot result, my doctor said I have been infected since 6 months at least.
I guess I have been contamined through oral sex. I knew oral sex was risky, and that it's even more risky if you have gum diseases. That's why I tried to cure my gingivitis (I have it since 2007) and decided to avoid oral sex until everything is right, but it didn't work. Even though that failed I decided to have oral sex again. I was somewhat convinced it wasn't very risky, that's why I hadn't taken a HIV test since 2006.
I feel sooo dumb, I know I shouldn't have given up and try harder to cure my gum disease before taking such risks.  

My CD4 increased since my last test (from 410 to 510) and my viral load decreased (from 40000 to 10000), so my doctor said I don't have to take meds yet.

Sorry for my english.

[wtfimpoz]

You're not dumb, you're just unlucky.  You're certainly not the first person to think you got HIV from oral sex either, although you might want to question your boyfriend a little more closely about his last HIV test if it matters to you.  Some of the great myths of HIV are that its "really difficult to catch", and that certain behaviors NEVER result in its transmission.  The truth is that the idea of it being "hard to get" is based on numerical averages, with SOME people getting it the very first time they have sex, or from their very first partner.  As for certain behaviors not passing it along, NOTHING is every 100% safe. 

If you don't want to take meds, there is certainly no rush at this time.  I strongly advise you to read up on all of the literature that is available to you.  Don't rely exclusively on your doc for information, but work closely with him to decide when the best time is for you.  Try not to beat yourself up for your gum issues.  There are millions of people worldwide who are infected with this disease, many of them are quite brilliant and conscientious.  The truth is that we're all human, and we all make mistakes.

[Lucky2behere]

I thought your English was perfect. Hang in there. Come back and talk it all out some more. I think the feelings you are having are really normal. I agree with wtfimpoz "you're not dumb and try not to beat yourself up."

[aztecan]

Hey Fullmoon,

Don't beat yourself up over something you cannot change. As others said, the feelings you are having are quite normal.

The first year after diagnosis can be a real emotional rollercoaster. Please remember you aren't alone in this and that, if you had to contract HIV, treatments and care are much better today than it was. It isn't much solace, perhaps, but it is something for which to be thankful.

I also had no problem with your English.

You're not dumb, you're just unlucky.  You're certainly not the first person to think you got HIV from oral sex either . . . . As for certain behaviors not passing it along, NOTHING is every 100% safe.  

Not to derail the thread, but, while its true nothing is 100 percent safe, save abstaining from all sex, the only easy way to catch HIV is anal sex without your rain coat or sharing needles.

Sharing a syringe is the A-number-1 easiest way to catch the bug.

Vaginal sex is safer than butt sex, for those inclined to such behaviors, which I'm not.

Oral sex is not statistically risk free, it is still safer than butt sex or vaginal sex. In the nearly 30 years I have been dealing with it, I have never actually met someone face-to-face who contracted HIV orally.

HUGS,

Mark

[fullmoon]

You all are right, I can't change the past anyway so I'll have to deal with it. I've talked about it with my uncle and my best friend (whom I did my coming out earlier this year) and they have been very supportive, it's one of those moments when you see people who actually care for you.
I've talked to the guy and according to his test he is hiv negative, but hvc positive. The only positive thing is that if I hadn't have that unprotected anal sex, I probably would not have done the test anytime soon because I thought all I did was pretty safe. And I was really wrong about that.

[aztecan]

The important thing is that you did test and now you can come to terms with it and be proactive.

You are also right about it being a postiive thing that this chain of events took place. I see far too many people who don't find out until they are in a hospital already very sick.

I am also glad you are building a support system for yourself. That is a very positive step.

Hang in there.

HUGS,

Mark

[thankyoulilmijo]

First off... You are NOT dumb so just stop that!!  This is NOT easy for anyone so what you're going through is normal however what you do now will determine how you end up in the later years. New studies have found newly diagnosed people that start medication immediately have a better chance for a less destroyed immune system in the long run and to be a better candidate for a cure if one is to become more commercialized.

I assure you you're NOT dumb as you managed to find this site which in my personal opinion is one of the best things you can do for yourself starting off as newly diagnosed.

I can understand how you might feel sad I know I sure as hell did. This feeling is natural however you don't want to obsess over this feeling just identify with it and attempt to move on.

Please let me know if there is ANYthing I can do for you~

[Maelrod]

The same thing happened to me in August 10th I found out I'm positive. I felt dirty at first, but almost four months later I'm learning not to live in the past ... and always look forward ... I cried many nights, but once you are positive does not help at all mourn ... 8 weeks ago I'm on drugs (Atripla) I have good days and bad days like everyone else. Importance it is to learn how to manage HIV, and do not let HIV  manage your life...is not easy deal w HIV but we have no choice. I'm 27 Latin  
No body walk w a label in the forehead asking for HIV. Thing like  this happen....