POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Positive Women => Topic started by: lady89 on November 30, 2007, 03:26:20 pm
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Is it fair for my therapist to tell me to let my guard down when I comes to dealing with my husband and his negative comments about anything and everything?My therapist tells me to ignore my husbands comments,but I have been living with this for the past two years.He also says to use better choice of words when talking to my husband,which I agree.However it is unnerving to know that anything I might do or say will make my husband angry and I am just suppose to ignore that type of bullying?I try my best not to hit him everytime he makes a negative comment or tries to control whatever I do.I don't want to go back to my old ways,which I had worked on for 8 years to control,which was throwing a punch first then ask question later.I tend to not stopping hitting until the person starts to cry.
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First, Let me say Welcome to the Forums....Now that is out of the way, How can there be any harmony in a house much less a marriage if both people are constantly angry. Do you have any clue to why your hubby is angry? And how about you, why so angry? Or is it from the hubby just rubbing you the wrong way with his attitude? Without knowing what factors in for both of you being so angry, it is hard to give reasonable advice. Just from what you are saying, it sounds like you both need marriage counseling and anger management classes.
When you husband starts getting angry with you, do you try to walk away or leave the house til your temper calms down? I know you're prolly saying, why should you have to but sometimes that is what it takes to diffuse a situation. At least this is how the police explained it to me in the past when I had to be the one to call. I have been where you are is basically what I am saying to you.
And how about meditating? Are you into that? I know you're not thinking about meditating when you are pissed off and especially if someone is following you around screaming. But it does help when you have the time to do it. Keep us posted and introduce yourself sometime in our introductions thread....
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Is it fair for my therapist to tell me to let my guard down when I comes to dealing with my husband and his negative comments about anything and everything?My therapist tells me to ignore my husbands comments,but I have been living with this for the past two years.He also says to use better choice of words when talking to my husband,which I agree.However it is unnerving to know that anything I might do or say will make my husband angry and I am just suppose to ignore that type of bullying?I try my best not to hit him everytime he makes a negative comment or tries to control whatever I do.I don't want to go back to my old ways,which I had worked on for 8 years to control,which was throwing a punch first then ask question later.I tend to not stopping hitting until the person starts to cry.
Sound like no one is this relationship will be singing 'Coombiya" over a fire roasting mashmellows, that's for sure..
I would put a check on my anger..Then go for therapy as the Queen said..
I was in a relationship for 12 yrs..the first 7 were good, but I don't know what happened, but
hell, the last 4 yrs I stayed in a wasted relationship.........Totally wasted 4 yrs of living with
that fuck..oops..excuse my Italian.. :-[
Sometimes what we had in the beginning is not the same as it is years down the line. We try
to hang onto the good times, but when it gets really ugly and abusive, weather its verbally
or pychsical, its time to get out or seek therapy together..
If you cant both do that, then do yourself favors, by giving each other butterfly wings, and fly away.
If it was ever meant to be, the butterfly will always return, and if not, then you know you did the right thing...
this stress will only stir up more physical problems for you both...and we certainly don't need extra added bullshit, that rises our bloodpressure among other things..
Your are in responsible for your own destiny, :(
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Hi I just joined the forum. i think that its OK to be angry, i am sometimes it natural we are HIV+. but I always try to not let myself stay there to long. maybe that we help you. let yourself feel you are human and should beat yourself up about being angry. i sometimes find things to do like writing, going back to college, spend time helping others my church has a food pantry and do intake twice a month. find things that you like to you. i also know that GOD would not give you anything that you could not handle. KEEP THE FAITH.
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I wonder how Lady is doing?
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Thank you to all who responded to my thread.I am doing quiet well now.Just to answer the question;Why don't you just take a walk?Well I couldn't,as I was in a wheelchair from a severe injury to my left knee.I did quit seeing my therapist,because I felt he wasn't helping me.I did find out the reason for all of my anger.My antidepressant stopped working,which was Prozac.Now I am back to my old self,which is a very kind,but very open minded person.Just to let you know I have been living with this disease for 19years,so I know all the ups and downs from this disease.Once again thank you to all who responded.
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1.Maybe you should ask him to see the counselor with you.
2.Sit down with him and tell him what causes your upset.
3.Separate for some time and see how you feel.
4.Take some tia chi.
5.Leave the house for some time every day.
6.Watch tv in a different room.
7.Find an interest of his you can like and learn.
8.Go out to a movie together or rent a movie together.
9.See a doctor together and have him state the positive points about how far science has come
with HIV.
10.Cook some new dishes and see how he likes it, remember he is the one who it is made for, so take criticism.
11.pick up a hobbie for yourself.
12.you can always post on here.
13.read a book on how to fix, train, or cook something in your home.
14.ask you husband for help on something new you are trying to learn, something that he knows,
(maybe: a scapbooking project where you need to use a sodering tool; How to use it properly?),
Make it a project you are interested in that will involve him in some way his knowledge is useful.
15.Allow him to say stuff, most people do and some women can deal with it and still love, deal with it
by agreeing with him, even if it is about you. Laugh at him and walk away. Stare into the tv or out
the window with boredom.
16.Start fixing yourself up in a mirror while he is talking to you.
You don't have to try any of these things or maybe you have, but you know him best and try something, these things may give you an idea of your own, I hope it works.
Remember sometimes when we try to change it causes a ripple in our surroundings, if we change how is everyone else suppose to react?
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I think it is ok to be angry being HIV positive its naturally that we might feel angry or depressed sometimes. I would just go with the flow and feel your emotions. Is there a way you can sit down with your husband and tell him how his words make you angry? Maybe if he new that his actions make you mad he will think before he says certain things. I would try to communicate with him and let him know how you feel. If he does not change then I would start punching but only after you have tryed to talk things out.
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I'm angry all the time, too.
I'm recently divorced and thought that by getting rid of 'my biggest irritant' I would feel better and be able to deal with my diagnosis.
Now I'm miserable on top of miserable......and lonely. ???
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I was very angry for the first 4 months of my diagnosis, especially with my husband who gave it to me when I had been faithful for over 20 years but also with a lot of other people and also myself.
I do not feel like this at all now - I may again in the future as others have said it is natural to be angry when you know you have HIV - but I do not feel at all angry now, with my husband or anyone.
Please stick around and talk to us here
Veritee