Being in Control - My Parents are going to be the death of me!

[Life]

My family history is full of beautiful times and sorrowful times.   I just need to let this go.  I am not in control of my parents..  I love them dearly, but I can't help them unless they want help.   "Dad is dreamer,"..  Once a very successful surgeon who had it all and lost it all 20 or so years ago to alcoholism.   I like a good son, followed him right down that path.  We both have been clean now for 12 + years, but Dad's history just can't clear itself.  Everything they try to do financially just fizzles.  Here they are at almost 80 still trying to put the next big deal together and lawyers lawyers and more lawyers.   My cd4's just do not do well with worrying about them.  Another court decision pending in the next 24 hours...  WHEN DOES IT END!   

Mom and Dad were great when I came out as their gay son.  Then I screamed for help and Dad was there by my side for me to get clean and sober.   Now HIV this year and here they are both helping me and William along.   Why can't I give them a break from all of this?   Why will they not except defeat and just retire on social security and the kids can take care of them?    We can do this if they asked.   But more drama in their lives...   It just never ends.   I hate the Government for what they have done to my parents.   I hate my parents for not giving in and enjoying their remaining years on this planet..   "I think they are MISSING IT."   I feel helpless,  I don't like it..... 


I just need to say something......   (Im still not smoking!)

[Eldon]

They are who they are as they have already chosen who they wanted to be.


All you can do is Love them with all of your heart!

[Life]

Eldon, I understand that...  But, its hard watching the Titanic sink over and over again... It really is....

[Eldon]

I DO understand that it is rough but all you can do is grab whatever you can to stay afloat while the ship is sinking and save who you can save from drowning.

[Miss Philicia]

Actually sometimes bitching really loud on the internet is really helpful and perhaps you should indulge him tonight.

[Longislander]

Eric, I can imagine what it's like trying to rationalize things with 80 year olds, I have a friend who's trying to convince her parents at mid-70's they need a one story place since neither can make it up and down anymore, but they just won't let go of the place. And no, they haven't been there all their lives or anything like that. You can only take care of yourself. You're doing great. You can give your parents encouraging words when they're excited about a new venture, then commisserate with them when it goes sour.  If it reaches a point where it looks as if they'll end up homeless or hungry, then by all means , jump in and take charge (with your siblings). Until then, sit back, take care of yourself, and just be there to listen to them.  Like Eldon says, they are who they are, and at this point in their lives, they won't be changing anytime soon.

Be well,
Paul

[Life]

I feel alot safer knowing there are people like you Eldon, Paul and Philly that care.   I have two brothers and a sister who also can shoulder the burdon if it gets worse...   I am taking care of myself and thats a big one.   William is there as well...  Its just "Feelings"....  I am saying prayers that things will work out (again).   I never thought I would have them in my life this long.   I am thankful they are pretty healthy and can weather all of this crap...   Yeah,   I can't change them...   I guess I gota learn how to let go better..

HUGS you guys!!!

[Blixer]

Eric, it is difficult watching anyone you love go through a tough time.  I know you already know that.  And either way, whether it is either thurst upon them or a result of what they do it is still difficult.  I know you have great parents and it is in your nature to want them to enjoy life and particularly these "golden" years.  But like you also know, some things are just not within our control.  You can be there for them, you can love them dearly.  But hopefully you can come to that point where their situation doesn't overly stress you and beat up on your CD4s.  Maybe, just maybe, they will eventually see something through you that will help them to give in and enjoy. 

Till then, you have a save place to scream here and lots of people who care about you!

Hugs!

[lydgate]

In the faint hope that this'll make you feel at least a wee bit better: MY PARENTS DRIVE ME CRAZY TOO! Seriously. So crazy, that for most of my adult life I've tried to put thousands of miles between them and myself. The idea of visiting them this Christmas had me so upset and panicky that my shrink said: don't do it if it makes you this miserable.

They're nice people, really. But fucked up, like the rest of us. Dad is 61. It's always feast or famine time with him, money-wise. When it's feast time, it's an orgy of spending and gambling. When it's famine, time to duck calls from creditors. And like a good son, I've inherited that trait -- at 34 I don't know how to balance a check book. And my younger brother is a compulsive gambler. Mum's late 50s, a good doctor. Retreating more and more into meditation, partly to cope with having three crazy men in her life (my dad, my brother, and me). She thinks that she's helping me when she gives me self-help books like "Chicken Soup" etc. Does she know me at all? Those kinds of books make me furious enough to foam at the mouth (though I control myself).

Lots more to say of course, but that's enough for now. Just vented for a paragraph or two and I feel a bit better. So keep on venting in this space, if you want Eric. It's kinda like group therapy in cyberspace, with no annoying know-it-all therapist with an inscrutable look on his/her face.

Anyway. Here's one of my favorite poems about parents and kids (I may be misquoting, this is from memory):

They fuck you up, your mum and dad,
  They may not mean to, but they do.
They give you all the faults they had
  And add some more, just for you.

But they were fucked-up in their turn
  By old-style fools in hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
  And half at each-other's throats.

Man hands on misery to man --
  It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
  And don't have any kids yourself.

Well, the poem always gives me pleasure, since I don't take the last two lines at face value. Here's hoping all the current stress in your life melts away like the winter snow soon will.

  Jay

[ndrew]

Hi Eric,

Gosh, the parent thing.  I know how you feel.  I have to watch mine not take care of themselves and I worry about how they are going to handle living in a farm house that they cannot manage as they get older.  My Mom is diabetic and needs to lose some weight for her health and she is having trouble walking.  I feel helpless.  It really bothers me to see them give up on their health.  As I get older I think my parents are from another planet...  they are just weird.

Anyway, congrats on the continued ciggy thing!  Keep up the good work!

Bests,
Drew

[Robert]

Eric, my friend.

I just don't know what to say.  I wish  they could see that at age 80 they should get the lawyers out of their lives. When you turn 80, lawyers take a back seat; they don't belong there anymore.  Now is the time for your parents to sit back and let the world spin around them.  I don't know what you can do to make them listen.  But I would tell the friggin' govenment if they keep it up, they'll be lucky to get a nickle out of them.  Tell them to back off. 

robert

 

[Life]

I have enjoyed hearing all of this guys...  Thank you...   I talked with Mom and Dad last night, told them I loved them, and when it gets to hard, give me a call.  But in the meantime, its their lives and if this is what they want for these years, so be it...   I know my path will never cross back to the lines of how they live and do things.   Certainly not now, not ever.   

Drew,  Williams folks are both still living 80's and live in their home of 50 years at 10,500 feet in Leadville Colorado (highest town in America).   William is a only child. Dad snowblows the drive everyday, the weather is the shits up there.  All their friends have died or have moved to lower altitude.   "They will die there" so they say.  Their health is failing and yup, we feel helpless to on this front.

Jay I know every family has their stuff they have to deal with, your family and mine would get along great...   Lets take em out skiing and push em all over a clifff  ..    I sent your poem to my sibs !  They loved it...

David what can I say, your always there for me...   You know I have not thought about HIV much since I quit smoking and have just sorta been thinking about what avenues are best for me and what my limits are.   Here in this thread, I think I am setting these.   Thanks again.   AM is my touchstone to that real world out there....

Love

ps  Day eight no smoking, diet on track and have dropped 2 pounds in 10 days.

[poet]

Jay, we need to remind readers that Mr. Larkin may blame his parents, but at a certain age, his miscues about life were his own to own?  

Eric, there's always watching A Long Day's Journey Into Night (was this the price of P-town?) followed by Mommie Dearest for perspective?  Seriously, whether we are talking here in the forums about our parents, our siblings, our partners, our boy and girl friends: we can't change them; we can only accept them, learn to accept them.  Mine, it turned out this summer, made complete hash of all the financial planning matters, went in one direction while my brother, myself and others assumed they had gone in another direction, giving away what is now gone but would have been useful if retained.  Yes, they went into continuing care, but given that it means the funeral of the week club, was this, ultimately wise?  Or my mother's continuing to smoke after her stroke, my father continuing to overeat after his quadruple by-pass, collostomy, etc.? 

We can only, safely, offer support however dishonest it may seem at times because we can't continue to blame them for our choices, we can't continue to blame them for our mistakes, we do have to think about what we are doing, day by day and why, create our own lives and make our personal impact.  Win

[Ihavehope]

I understand how u must be feeling but all I can tell you is that you have to take good care of yourself first otherwise you can't help them.

[bocker3]

Eric,

First things first -- Great job with the smoking and the weight.  Try to keep the focus on the things you have control over.

Now remember this important thing -- you are powerless over your parent's lives.  That doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't worry about them, but all you can do is let them know that you are there if they need you.  You are clearly a loving son, so just do what you can do.  Remember, sometimes the best thing we can do for others is to be a good role model in how to live.

I personally LOVE the Serenity Prayer to help me focus:

God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change (other people, places or things)
The courage to change the things I can (me)
And the wisdom to know the difference

Of course, when dealing with my family, I am often forced into using the Short Version of this Prayer:

FUCK IT

Again, keep on focusing on what you can control and keep on using AM to help dump your frustrations (and to celebrate your successes).

Hugs and   
Mike

[Life]

When things get "different" for me, I dig something out from my past.... 

"Back to Before" - This song has so many levels and just sorta hit home this morning....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CQrxa7n_b4

Mike and Win,  Thanks again... Sometimes I feel I am in a "meeting" but thats ok since I don't go much anymore....  My loss..   I get what I need right here...  I feel alot better and we will just see how things go.... Its not like anything has changed yesterday or today, its just been going on like this for longer than I can remember.....   Not much hope in turning  "back to before"...

Love