POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => I Just Tested Poz => Topic started by: randomk on January 19, 2011, 05:19:20 pm
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I found out I was positive this week, and while dealing with my own personal issues with it - I'm finding it draining to deal with others. For me, there are two people that are affected by this. There is the guy who gave it to me and the guy I am dating now. The guy who gave it to me keeps contacting me on a daily basis to see how I'm doing, this may seem nice but he calling me daily and acting as if we are tied together forever. Our relationship was casual before, so him trying to begin some friendship over this just feels forced. I'm someone who deals with issues on my own, and this especially makes me want to retreat. When I am ready to tell friends, I want it to be true friends and not some casual acquaintance. He's told so many of his friends so I think he just needs that comfort of others, which is not my thing. I don't want to tell him he can't talk to me, I just feel like it's fake to pretend we were anything other than a casual hookup.
As for the guy I'm dating, I feel so guilty for having unintentionally passed it along to him but before finding out I was positive, my plans were to dump him. I just don't feel any connection with him but I'm staying in the relationship to find out his test results. If he does turn out to be positive, I feel so forced to be in that relationship. I want to be there for him, but I find it so hard to try and feign interest in being sexual with him. How awful will I be if I give him HIV virus, then dump him? I can be patient, allowing him time to accept it and for me to be there for him, but I do a bad job of hiding my un-interest in the relationship sexually. There's just no connection there, but he doesn't seem to realize it.
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Well, you should think of yourself first, but:
(My point of view,others might differ )
The guy who gave it to you, will always be that, the guy that made you sick, I don't see any future in that, just like you say, trying to make you and him feel good about the situation.
( In my situation I don't know who gave it to me , but if I knew, I would avoid him, whether he knew it or not.
That is just the human condition )
But see, the contradiction, you are treating your other relationship, as the first guy who gave it to you is treating you. I don't know if your realize that.
I think you need to see if the guy you are dating now, is positive or not, just to consider the relationship going on or not , If he is positive I would avoid him, for the same reason I gave you at the beginning. If he gets sick, you will always be that , the guy who infected him.
If he is OK, you might need him for support.
You seem to have a lot of self confidence in your self, your are possibly young, and coming from the VIH negative world.
Now is a different story, as you will need support at some time, more than just a sexual partner, but somebody to talk to.......
But first is time to think of yourself first, what is better for you, and what will be better for you in the future.
Now comes the time, as if you need treatment , or not, seek financial or insurance advice.These are important decisions.
Keeping that attitude of self confidence will help you, I admire you for that !
Wishing you well !
Roy
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Thanks for replying, I don't think I have that much confidence on the issue. At some point in time I will need someone to talk to, but only having been diagnosed on Monday I rather feel it for myself and deal with the emotions before I'm ready to tell others.
I, personally, don't feel an 'avoid him if he's positive' attitude towards the guy I'm dating is a good choice for me. If it turns out he is positive I can't just avoid him, that would make me look like a coward. It's just a tricky situation if he were positive, because I'd want to offer my support but do so in a way that doesn't look like I want some sort of future relationship with him. It's just a predicament. I guess since I don't have anyone to talk to about this issue I'm turning to the forums to see what the general consensus would be.
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i admire for even thinking of these things a day after dianosis. i was drugged the first 3 days on ativan to even be able to get out of bed and attempt to go to work and function as if all was perfect in my world. it sucks shit. it gets better.
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RadomK, I been in the same Situation, the guy who I get it from was trying to be a close friend, for myself was simple just don't want to know anything about him. I don't considers him like enemy but he can't be my friends
I'm waiting to my Bf who I been for almost 6 years still going negative, he's been a big support for me, and he say whatever happen we going together to the end, I really love him.
I asking myself why I dated to some else ????but I don have answer
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Dear Randomk
I almost stay out of these postings but in my humble opinion, your second post in the thread is indeed the right and logical end to the chain of thought.
i disagree with Roy's assertion that you should keep in touch with the guy you are dating only if he's negative, to just get support from him, when infact, before even finding out you are positive you wanted to split up from him. By yanking away your support from him if he's positive, that'd be a bit too selfish. But I do understand your predicament... well, you dont have to date him, but you can let him know, your feelings and relationship towards him are more based on humanitarian reasons, than sexual intimacy with him, considering especially what you are going through with the recent infection. The chances shall be good that, should he turn out to be positive, he will not want to see your face, it's just a natural human instinct. On the other hand, Infact, I'd say, after he's confirmed(hopefully) negative, there's no point in keeping in touch with him, if he wants to be around to give you support it's his prerogative and knowing that you want to deal with this issue on your own, you can make choices of who you want around you.
HIV is exacts a lot of mental toll to the newly positives; And as for the other person, who infected you, well, he's being a great guy, and if that's suffocating you, just tell him in plain and simple language, that you need to be alone and deal with this alone, you need privacy and your own space to process your own emotions. I am sure he'll understand.
Simple honesty with sincerity is the best policy.
You asked in the last line of your second post,
> I guess since I don't have anyone to talk to about this issue I'm turning to
> the forums to see what the general consensus would be.
And so, that's my take.
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SOrry to hear of your diagnosis.
Why don't you be polite and honest and generous with these two guys.
Since they are both casual and have hold on your heart, and reading the situation from what you have reported, you don't owe either one anything.
If you want to cut ties with the guy who infected you - just tell him, politely but firmly.
Since you planned to "dumb" the guy you are "dating", go ahead and break off the thing, whatever it is. Whether or not he's positve, he doesn't need you if you feel nothing for him.
These are side issues, but why were you / are you "dating" someone for whom you feel no attraction? I could see fucking him once or twice and realising there's no heat. So how on earth did this end up as "dating". Why aren't you just friends?
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open and honest communication will help you immensely in this situation, in my opinion. It always does.
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The solution is obvious; introduce the two guys to each other and then leave. I had this happen with two women during a threesome one time. They both wanted something I couldn't give so I was the odd man out. The only difference between my situation and yours is you want to be the outcast.
Problem solved.
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As for the guy I'm dating, I feel so guilty for having unintentionally passed it along to him but before finding out I was positive, my plans were to dump him. I just don't feel any connection with him but I'm staying in the relationship to find out his test results. If he does turn out to be positive, I feel so forced to be in that relationship. I want to be there for him, but I find it so hard to try and feign interest in being sexual with him. How awful will I be if I give him HIV virus, then dump him? I can be patient, allowing him time to accept it and for me to be there for him, but I do a bad job of hiding my un-interest in the relationship sexually. There's just no connection there, but he doesn't seem to realize it.
Please dont stay in a relationship unless there is a true desire to be with that person. It is not fair to the other person involved.
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Thanks everyone for your input, more specifically thank you coolstone for posting. I think we are on the same page and I agree with the insight you've given. Last night, the guy I was dating got his test results and they were negative. We started having sex about 5 - 6 weeks ago so it's still too early to be out of the clear. He'll take the test again next month, but I'm keeping my hopes that the next test is negative as well. I was looking for a way to tell him there's no connection, but didn't want to be mean and not talk to him again. So it seems like a good solution to tell him I want to be there for his well being - so that he has someone to talk to if the test comes back positive in the future.
BTW, Thanks skeebo for the laugh!