must be the week for rejection - neggies & our biggest challenge

[englishgirl]

oh the irony, i was gonna post this anyway but i see as i log on that sky has had a similar experience this week...

last week i asked you guys for you opinions on disclosing to a guy i liked. well we went on our second date which was really good and then had a discussion where he told me he was only here for 2 months(big surprise to me), whether we wanted the same things, i told him i was poz, and he told me he thought that it was really easy to catch and that even sex using condoms would be dangerous (which obviously i corrected). and please all be very impressed that all the above conversation was conducted in spanish!

so surprise surprise he doesnt want to see me any more. i sent him an email saying that i got the feeling he was avoiding me and i just thought id send him some hiv weblinks for his reference in his future life. (thanks to jan carlos for providing these).

he replied with:
Sorry for not sending you more texts for a long time. That's not mean I think there aren't things to discuss. I've been thinking a lot about you and your problem. Honestly, I feel worried and a bit scared. And very confused as well. All this stuff is too big for me, over all taking into account I am leaving in less than two months. I don't know whether it is correct English expresion: I can't go through this.

Thank you for the information about hiv. I don't need it because I believed the things you told me the other night. But please, you have to know it isn't because of the sex or something related to it (just in case you believed this). I told you I liked you. But first of all, as you told me the relation you'd like to have, I think I am not the kind of person you are looking for. And secondly, I don't want to fall in love to suffer. Precisely for this last reason, it's harder to me to keep on seeing you. I hope you understand it.

(I'm afraid I'm not expressing myself clearly. But it's not because of my poor skills with the English language. Even in Spanish it would be confused. That's because I'm really confused and shocked.)

Take care. All the best

which has left me fuming at this pathetic new version of the 'it's not you it's me' dumping line. but i guess at least he had the decency to reply. anyway, despite his protests to the contrary it is quite clear to me from the email that it is the hiv which was the deciding factor in him deciding to bugger off. whatever. have a nice life.

through the night i have moved from fury to feeling sorry for myself, and when i woke up i would dearly have loved to stay in bed all day and wallow (especially as i have to go out and be nice and happy tonight). but thanks to being drenched with nightsweats had to get up - grrr!

which finally brings me to my question:
for those of us lucky enough to contract in the antiretroviral era and be fairly sure that our life expectancy in years is not too altered by this disease, what do you think is the biggest struggle we face - retaining our health (mental & physical) or fighting stigma and ignorance (in both everyday life and our love life)?

wishing you all a good weekend
xxxxx

[Ann]

Girl,

It's one thing to momentarily feel sorry for yourself after something crappy like this happens, but I think you had a lucky escape. Why?

Because this guy is feeling sorry for himself in advance. Talk about self absorbed! You deserve better than that!

And secondly, I don't want to fall in love to suffer. Precisely for this last reason, it's harder to me to keep on seeing you. I hope you understand it.

And this bit gets me too:

Thank you for the information about hiv. I don't need it because I believed the things you told me the other night.

So he knows ALL ABOUT hiv after one brief discussion? Wow, he's got some interesting brain cells to be able to absorb information so well. Was it through osmosis, given your close proximity? Won't he be surprised one day when his wilful ignorance leads to his very own infection?

Good riddance. Well, that's what I'd be saying anyway.

I know it still hurts though.

(((((((EG)))))))

Ann
xxx

[cjc]

Sorry to hear that.   it must be the week for it. I got a rejection , too. But from a pozzie so don't feel to bad, just consider that you might be better off. But as Ann said, still hurts.  Cristy

[englishgirl]

re the 'i dont want to fall in love to suffer'

i particularly liked this bit because of all the assumptions about my imminent demise!! lol yeah shows exactly how much he knows about hiv...

but i guess i should focus on the positive (no pun intended) and say that it shows how lovable i am that after 2 dates he mentioned falling in love haha

off out tonight to get drunk with all my friends for someone's bday so at least i can enjoy the single life with them 

[xyahka]

Hi nikki, i am sorry for what happened....

i hope you don't take it wrong but since he is latin i sort of saw it coming ... here in latin world ignorance is queen and stigma rules. I would never get laid/nor date anyone if i would tell someone i am poz (and i am not dating anyone btw).

I sort of expected he would react like this... i even wanted to ask you to give me his email address so i could write to him. Although then i understood friends cannot interfere. Here they have this nerve about being infected.... i can tell you this... you did it right. He would have not believed even the Pope.

I think there is always someone for us, and this person must be someone who is really understading and open to learn about our condition in case they don't know much already. I am sure someone will come, and come on... i am latin but believe me... there are lot of loosers among us....

He just proved not to be smart enough to get to know you better, his fault!. You will find someone who values you for whom you are. You have nothing to feel sorry about, nor bad for yourself, he is the donkey.

send you big hugs

Juan Carlos

(who is not dating anyone due to the inmense lack of education and information about this issues in latin america)

[asaint]

I don't want to fall in love to suffer. 

Are you kidding me....  What was he thinking?

which finally brings me to my question:
for those of us lucky enough to contract in the antiretroviral era and be fairly sure that our life expectancy in years is not too altered by this disease, what do you think is the biggest struggle we face - retaining our health (mental & physical) or fighting stigma and ignorance (in both everyday life and our love life)?

For me all of the above-- but what bothers me most is the ignorance & stigma


Be safe,
Bob

[sweetasmeli]

Honey, you know my thoughts on this already. But for those who weren't there during our chat, the words 'stupid twat', fuck him' and 'his loss' were tossed about a bit.

And to answer your question: the stigma and ignorance of stupid twats.

Keep on keeping on supergirl!

And LOL at this:

(((((((EG)))))))

I thought Ann called you an egg!

A multitude of (((hugs))) flying in your direction, sweetie. Hope you have a blast tonight!

Melia xxx

[Dragonette]

Dear Englishgirl

not suppose 2 write so keep short.... really sorry 2 hear but truthfully u dont need some1 wholl be away in 2 months. as for his response it reminds me of the ex who dumped me, hiv is just too BIG for some people. next time i advice u from my limited experience, date, date date, date... and then disclose (b4 kissing or anything physical), i think the person really needs to know you, to be ttracted, not just physically, also emotonally, guys are slower than woman, esp. straight guys i think, to get emotionally attached. but i recall if am not mistaken that you had previous relations with negs so u know... win some, lose some. doesnt make it less painful, but he was not right, b/c he is short term.

sorry i can't write more but thinking of u. btw might come to london in july not sure yet...

hugs,

ps. way to go on the spanish!!!

(modified: can you say that?! i mean thumbs up...)

ps ps i am a writing addict.

[otherplaces]

Funny, all I think about is falling in love...and suffering...I think it just comes with the territory    Anyway, still better than being single and lonely.  And while I'm sure there some truth to dragonette's generalization of straight men, I just want to get counted.  Right here, straight guy...looking for love.  That makes ONE 

Stigma trumps the illness for sure.  I guess it could change one day, but all I've had is a few colds since the acute infection.  I don't feel sick at all.  All the pain is social. 

best,
brian

[terpie82]

Englishgirl,
I'm soo truly sorry for what this guy did and I disagree with a lot of what he wrote in that e-mail. He was attempting to make himself appear more sympathetic and understanding, and less guilty --instead, he made himself appear more as a dumbass (I mean " I don't want to fall in love to suffer", WTF?). It's really his loss hun and this is quite common in our family. It's almost like a "rite of passage" for us pozzies to have a high turnover rate of mean, ignorant, and/or retarded frogs/medusas before we finally find our prince/princess. And don't give up on the neggies just yet, some may turn out to surprise you and don't let a bad experience influence your future ones. I practically gave up on the neggies when on my February birthday this year, I met the special someone and we've been inseparable since then. After telling this someone of my status, I expected to never see him again and to my surprise, he assured me it was alright and it was he who asked me later that week if I wanted to be official. I'm poz and he's neg...I didn't think it would EVER happen that way for me but I'm proof it does and can.

Also, I know this may be corny but I think of my life as the movie and comic stories of the X-men characters --mutants who are different and are rejected by the "normal" general public. Despite the publics fear and hatred of mutants, Professor X and his X-men continue to try and educate the general public, never giving up on them because people can and may someday learn, while advocating for mutant rights. I applaud your e-mail to provide educational links for him, and I believe that's the healthiest and most honorable response given to such an undeserving dishonorable man.

xoxo,
Terpie

[BT65]

This reminds me of the Seinfeld episode when George was reiterating the fact that HE was the one who founded the "it's not you, it's me" phrase.  My advice is plain and simple-fuck him and move on.  The stigma does hurt, but the people worth being in our lives are the people who accept us anyway.

[englishgirl]

thanks you guys i love you all and am so glad to have you

went out tonight for my friend's bday and had a nice time (and also had a couple of enjoyable cconversations being mean about the guy!!!)

im pleased that you who have commented on my question have said that you think that the stigma and ignorance of others is our biggest challenge rather than the illness - cos we together just by ourselves can change the stigma and ignorance little by little every day. that fact in itself makes me feel that life is worth living.

juan carlos - i thought the same, but thought i'd give him the opportunity to prove me wrong. sadly he didnt but never mind. (and besides he was a little whiny and had too hairy a chest so who cares)

dragonette thanks for your post. im honoured that you broke your convalescence for me but please honey dont write cos id hate to be the reason you dont get better sooner! am really hoping you come over in july

melia - you are amazing. that doesnt really sum it up but right now i cant quite put into words my admiration of you without being really longwinded and gushing in a gwyneth paltrow winning an oscar kind of way

terple - way to go, congratulations, sounds like you've found one of the gooduns

and lastly, now ive booked my flight to san fran for amg... why arent the rest of you coming??!! any doubts just talk to our greek goddess she has superhuman powers of persuasion 

[Queen Tokelove]

Sorry to hear about your date, there's a lot of that going on lately. I think all the other posts pretty much cover how I feel as well. I hope you find your prince....

[terpie82]

Way to go EG! I'm glad you had a (much deserved and needed) great time after this horrible week. I would have done the exact same thing (including talk about the guy   ). As for AMG, I was very fortunate and blessed to go to last year's Montreal gathering thanks to the generous love and financial support of our great family. This year, I decided to step back and thought it would be a great experience for the new kids on the block and those who didn't get a chance last year to participate in this wonderful and memorable event. You will have a great time, I'm sure of it and remember to take a lot of pictures!

xoxo,
Terpie