POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: tsw923 on November 14, 2006, 11:27:33 pm
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I know there have been lots of disclosure threads, but I really could use some help with this. I am going to meet an old boyfriend this weekend. He is back in the country and managed to find me after 15 years. I almost married this guy right out of college, but we decided as we lived in 2 different countries, to part on good terms and go our separate ways. I was amazed to get an email from him saying he was in the country for a few more days and could we meet for the weekend. So of course I said yes. Emails have flown between us and of course there has been some hints about what could happen over the course of the weekend.
Now, had I not known about my status (just found out in August), there would be NO QUESTION of what I would do. It has been 2 years after all... :P But now, well, I'm really worried about how to tell him. Because it really matters to me what he thinks about all this. And of course, its not like I have weeks for him to digest the information and then make a decision about the weekend. He'll go back home and I don't know that we will see each other again. And if he were to decide not to pursue 'adult relations' that would hurt because of HIV, but I am more worried that it will really change how he thinks/thought of me as a person.
I realize that the rational thing is to just hang out as friends and not get involved physically at all. That way the issue wouldn't come up at all. However, we have a history that will most likely lead us down that path. And he will be the first person (in dating) that I have disclose to. So I would appreciate any help on how to start broach the subject.
Thanks,
TSW
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It sounds as if you guys are quite close and this meeting could rekindle some feelings. Even though I have not had the best track record with disclosure, I wish I had the chance to disclose. It really is a burden having to keep this to myself. You have to do what is best for you, atleast you had some history with this guy, so maybe it will be easier? If you choose to tell him and you get rejected, it will be his loss. I'm not saying you will, I actually have my fingers crossed for you and I hope things work out. It feels like I am rambling but you get the point right? Good Luck....
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Yeah Queen, We were quite close and kept a relationship for 2 years out of college. I thought that I ha shelved those feelings, but getting an email from him mae all that stuff come back. I guess I want to make sure the good memories that he has of me, that made him want to get back in touch with me, won't be completely overshadowed by my status.
Thanks for your support. I will definitely let you know how it goes either way...
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Yeah Queen, We were quite close and kept a relationship for 2 years out of college. I thought that I ha shelved those feelings, but getting an email from him mae all that stuff come back. I guess I want to make sure the good memories that he has of me, that made him want to get back in touch with me, won't be completely overshadowed by my status.
Thanks for your support. I will definitely let you know how it goes either way...
Ok, so you guys definitely had a foundation built, which to me works in your favor. Try to think of the things that attracted you to him, uh minus the sex, and go from there. And like you said, it must be something about you, that made him email you after all this time. I bet you got butterflies when you saw that email.. ;)
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Hey TSW,
First, there is a reason after all of this time that he has located you. In fact, you both have kept in contact through your e-mail. Truly, this is an opportunity to be together as old friends and possibly more.
In the midst of your casual conversation, you will want to let him know just how much you care about him, and because of your care and your position with him as a person, you will want to share with him some changes that have occurred in your life.
Truly, it may come across to him as a shock at first. However, given your history together, he will most likely reach out to you even further and extend his support to you. This can deepen your relationship with him.
Take some time out this week before you meet him and look within you. Inside of you will be your guide on whether or not to disclose to him. Just be honest with yourself.
Make the BEST of each and every Day!
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TSW, think for a bit about what you really want in this situation.
Disclosure is an important issue. If you haven't already done so you might read the lesson about it on this site. You may get some helpful hints there.
It's not quite clear whether the weekend will turn intimate in a sexual way or not, although you seem to think it's likely. Keep in mind that you actually don't have to disclose at this point if condoms are used. Condoms provide very effective protection. Whether or not you used condoms in the past when you were together is irrelevant. (Everyone should be using them today unless in a committed, monogamous relationship in which both partners test negative at the same time).
I suspect you may feel dishonest about doing that although believe me, it's a perfectly reasonable choice, especially when you may only be getting together for this weekend.
Remember, once you disclose you can't take it back. You have to decide what you feel is right for you in this situation. If you decide to disclose, then do so as simply as possible and let the chips fall where they may. People react in surprising ways sometimes about getting the news -- both favorably and not so favorably. You need do what you want to do and not try to control the outcome.
HIV is still very new in your life. Take as much time as you need to make your decision. And I always recommend, keep it simple.
Hopefully you will have an enjoyable weekend with your old friend. But remember, who you are and your life overall is more important than this one occasion.
Good luck and keep us posted on how it goes.
Cheers,
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Hi ,
I have a few random thoughts reading this. You and this guy have a decent history together, and hopefully he likes you for you, and not just the sex. That said, should you decide to disclose to him before anything happens, he could wind up being a closer, lifelong friend and supporter. Or better yet, your BF.
You could have sex with condoms and no disclosure. What would become of any friendship/relationship with this man if he found out afterwards?
You could find out firstly, why he has contacted you now, and what he's looking for, before making the decision, either way.
Like I said, these were random thoughts going thru my head reading this thread. I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do.
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I am in agreement with LongIslander on all of his points. A question I find useful, but don't always use, in many of life's circumstances is " What is his/her motive? " If you already know the answer, then you can plan how you wish to respond or act. If you truly don't know, then ask. If this is an interaction of convenience or pure curiosity about what might have been, you might want to rethink disclosure. I definitely would not, even with condoms, have sex without disclosure. The Golden Rule works very well in discernment on that issue---just my opinion. While he now lives in-country again, is he so far away it would not work? is he likely to leave again? ask all the same questions you would want to ask if you were negative in order to protect your heart and body. The other interesting notion for you to consider is this. You are presuming he is negative and you haven't a clue as to his status. That might be an interesting jump point for a disclosure conversation. Gee, what if you were to learn that HE is positive. That would make for lively discourse, heh? Have fun, no matter what, it's good to have old friends who remember portions of our history.
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Sex!!!
Dont have sex and keep the friendship on the same level it has remained for, for years.
Have sex with condoms and change the relationship with out disclosure.
Have sex with condoms and change the relationship with disclosure cuz you want him to know.
Those options are all there.. Are you ready for him to know? Are you feeling guilty not telling him because he is just coming to see you for sex?? I doubt it..
Do you think he would be a good friend and supporter of you and your pet?? You can only answer that. Nothing wrong with having another person in your life to help you thru this...
Just depends on the depth of your relationship with him... Is it more sexual or is more sole mates parted???
Best wishes!!
Love
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Everyone has raised some good points on this thread.
Honestly I do have many questions for him about what's going on in his life, what he wants out of our meeting, etc. I hope in the course of the conversation to gain a better understanding and to make sure I'm not reading more into the situation than is there. Eric, I'm hoping for 'soul-mates' parted, but the realistic part of me will believe it when I see it.
That being said, I think I've decided to disclose my status to him, especially if things start leaning toward intimacy (short-term or long-term). I would want him to do the same, so I have to do it even if its hard. Emeraldize -- you are right, I'm assuming he is negative. But that may not be the case. I think its just one of those things where you think you are the only one that has a 'secret'.
Thanks everyone for your input. I'll let you know what happens...
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Some last minute thoughts? I would keep in mind that he is only back in this country for a few more days and unless your original decision about why the two of you parted ways so long ago has changed, the time is limited. It's great to be able to catch up in person, but how much do you need or want to compress into a weekend? And so you might also balance 'what he thinks about all of this.' Yes, it's a huge issue for you, but again, he is here for a few more days. You even suggest that you might not even see each other again, so this is something, disclosure, that you could deal with after the weekend and if sex comes into play, play safe. I especially picked up on your concern about how he would think about you, how it might change how he thinks/thought about you as a person. You haven't changed as a person. The same good qualities he knew you had are still there. Or imagine that you had recently come down with a cancer diagnosis. Would you have the same concerns about how he would think of you as a person? I wish you calm and strength and a good time with him, only. Best, Win
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tsw923,
the last set of replys were pretty good imo.
(A) If it was me, I might try this. Have the meeting , talk and feel him out with what he is looking for.
Beforehand (I usually problem solve on paper first) , figure how you will/might broach the bug stuff dependant on (A) so your already rehearsed if need be.
Best of luck ! Sure you'll do fine.
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Hello everyone,
As promised, I am just now posting how everything went. Basically he and I met at the bookstore and I swear it was like we were never apart :D After an hour or so, we went back to my place to get him settled in. On the way we talked about a lot of stuff and, like old times, sparks were there ;) Probably about 2 -3 hours into our weekend, I told him about being HIV positive. He held me close and let me cry on his shoulder. His exact words were 'Hey, its the 21st century and bad things can happen to good people. You are so brave to tell me. You are still the same beautiful girl I knew 15 years ago. So, you know much more about this than me, so tell me what we need to do to be safe.' So we talked for awhile and he told me that he'd been tested a few years ago and was negative. I even showed him this site so he could read some stuff for himself. When we went out, etc, he made sure I was bundled up so I wouldn't catch a cold. And he admonished me to find something 'less stressful' to do for work so I could get sleep, etc. (Yes I actually had to work on the weekend so he was patient about that too.)
After that the rest of the weekend was INCREDIBLE!!! Um, I will spare you the details, but suffice it to say, what I remembered about our relationship (both physically and emotionally) was still there :o I have to say, when I was 21, we wouldn't be tired, just a bit sore ;) But at 37, I was tired -- dang and here I thought going to the gym would give me more stamina :P Despite being tired, we didn't want the weekend to end. He ended up staying a few more days. Some tentative plans were made to see each other again. I hope it works out, but if not, I just thank God that he was there for me like I remembered all those years ago.
Thanks everyone for your support in this. I am happy with how things turned out. It gives me a little more confidence and a very BIG stupid grin on my face!
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TSW,
I'm so happy to hear this! Somehow, from your original post, I knew he was a good man!
And those BIG stupid grins feels the best! lol
Paul
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I say BILLBOARDS of what happened for all the cynics (including me at times) that things can work out this well!! ;D It's not that I could ever be a cynic about the 'spark' aspect, finding it still there. That sense that all the time between when you last saw each other and now as though it hadn't been there, I do, for the record, know from experience. Now don't thank us for a thing, but, everyone, let's figure out how to get this experience with disclosure, with positive/negative couples, with everything that happened out there especially for those who, from time to time, get completely discouraged. Best, Win
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Thanks for that happy report, TSW.
I'm so glad to read that you two had such a loving reunion together. What a wonderful re-kindling of your friendship.
Big cheers,
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BIG CHEERS IS RIGHT!!!
What a wonderful thing to hear. Thanksgiving has come and gone but I'm giving you beau coup thanks for sharing this. It made my day.
robert
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Hey TSW,
You have experienced what a true friendship is all about. Wonderful that it went the way it did! Splendid I say! Don't you loose his number!
Make the BEST of each Day!
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I am so glad it worked out for you....wishes I coulda been a fly on that wall.... ;)....
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tell him. what can be gain if you feel that lying to him would be better. he may feel for you and want to help or know more about your status. there are loads of whys to tell him.
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and the truth will set you free
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Hello everyone
I am a firm believer in fate.This person has come back in your life for a reason and he obviously cares about you aand has been thinking of you.i'm not sure if you are having a hard time with your status or not but maybe you will need him for support or more.Since you have this past with him,I truly believ that he will understand and want to be part of your support system.You know him better than anyone. Good luck
Oh see I should have kept on reading how silly of me lol..... Anyway I new it; this person was sent to you for a reason. You needed him.
I had this special someone come into my life also and he was a complete stranger.I was newly diagnosed and I was so angry and sad,you know the normal things that we have all probably felt,anyway He was my light. Threw a mutual friend we met I had just found out and this man called me and introduced himself to me.And he said girl now you have to pick yourself up and go on.He said to me YOU HAVE TO FIGHT THIS YOU ARE IN THE FIGHT OF YOUR LIFE. He goes on bye telling me hae has had full blown aides for 10 years,so I dried my eyes and he continued to speak to me.He told me his story of being hiv pos since 1982.
He told me who his doctor was and I made an app. so I go to my app.and in front of the doctors office i see this tall big man with dreads he was in his motor scooter and I said to myself I wonder what is wrong with that man,I walked past him and then my friend said theres Reg,the man you've been speaking to on the phone.He rolled up to me with the biggest smile I have ever seen.Looking into his eyes I saw this spirit about him.He grabbed me I almost fell into his lap and he said I'm gonna show you how to fight baby you just hold on to me for as long as you need. He use to be a dancer and he lost the use of his legs,his bottily fluids and alot of other things he had lost because of aides. He made it his lifes work to help others who needed to fight. He fought to the end unfortinately his fight ended a few months ago. I guess what I'm trying to say is people come into our lives for good reasons because we need them at the time.When I first met him he gave me a guardian angel.I look at it everyday and it gives me strenghth and I remember my dear friend Reggie. Now he is my angel. GODS DEVINE INTERVENTION.
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It was definitely a great way to renew the friendship. I've got the email, snail mail and phone number -- whatever comes, I want to stay in touch with him.
jntmax -- I agree it was definitely divine will that brought him back into my life at this time. It was the validation that I needed to be able to believe everything will work out all right if I just have faith and patience!
Queen -- I don't know if you'd want to have been the fly on the wall ;D I think the ceiling was the only safe place in my apartment that weekend :o
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;D