terpie82:
Dear forum family, Just recently, a great group of friends connected me with this great guy for a casual get together at the Capital Pride event, and since then, we've all been hanging out quite often and I've noticed that my interest in him has grown exponentially and I can sense that he feels the same for me. I've learned from past potential relationships and how I was burned by the "neggies" when I revealed my status to just avoid them altogether. I normally would brush it off and move on and continue to look for other pozzies like me, but the cute exchanges of flirts, loving words, hugs, and cuddling has prevented my usual reaction of rejecting him to avoid being hurt, along with the fluttering butterflies in my tummy and the feeling like I'm a head-over-heels school girl. My questions are: 1) When and how should I tell him? During a casual discussion over dinner or right before things get hot and heavy? 2) Is it possible that if he can't continue any further that we can remain long lasting friends? 3) What problems should I/we anticipate (not only sex related issues)? I've been having this debate whether I'd rather have him as a great lifetime friend and not tell him OR risk everything for what may/may not be, and because of this, I've been taking things extremely slow to think things over, but I sense that he's starting to think that I'm disinterested which I wanted to avoid in the first place. Luckily, Zephyr, OzPaul and his hubby were here to meet my friends and my admiree, and Zephyr being her great self told me that when I did tell him and if he rejected me, it was probably for the best and that he wasn't my friend in the first place. Any advice (especially from those of you who have been in a serodiscordant relationship) is greatly appreciated. SIGH, why is it that relationships are so much more complicated than grad school? hehe :-*
DingoBoi:
1) tell him when sex isn't even a subject.... nothing is more a buzzkill than this discussion.... somewhere where you have privacy and can really talk... don't do it right before sex as he may not have time to process the 'news'.
2) why would you want him as a friend then? sorry if that sounds harsh, but you are doing yourself no favors because you will be 'pining' away for him everytime you are together, even if you are 'just friends'. don't do that to yourself.
3) you should anticipate issues of him having difficulty dealing with it... you should also expect issues of YOU dealing with the fact you are with a neggie... i may be oversimplifying... but my experience is that we both go through issues... it's not just about him accepting you.. it's about you accepting him too.
but you did lay this out in a logical order.
Start with 1) and see how that goes.
then move on to 2 and 3
don't put the cart before the horse.
if he can deal with revelation 1, you can begin considering the others.
Biggums:
Hey Terpie,
Good advice from our hero Dingo.
Coming at it from the neg end of this relationship, all I can tell ya is that this whole thing takes time to process on both ends. Please do not feel the need to rush things. Emotions are a complicated thing and relationships, like you said, are harder than grad school. I have to admit I want to push things too hard sometime and forget he is scared as hell to infect me and sometimes he forgets that his fears put me off. It takes all we both have to understand and love in spite of misunderstandings.
If your man is the kind you hope he is, I really hope this works out for you. Being in love is wonderful isn't it? ;) ;) ;)
Sdgirl:
I totally agree with Dingo. And, let's look at it as the glass is half full. It sounds as if you and this man have a connection on a level that is deeper than physical right now.
Teresa:
Terpie,
You have gotten good advice from Dingo and Biggums. I am the neg in a relationship also. We have been married 4 years and its been hard for us so i can imagine how it might be just starting a relationship. He is so afraid of infecting me and to be honest its in the back of my mind also. Right now we settle for kissing and cuddling which is very good also. We both know its gonna take time and patience. He has his fears and i have mine that we have to get thru together...and we will.