Had a bit of a nervous breakdown this weekend.

[cokaine]

Hi everybody.

I am usually not the one to complain or cry but this weekend I had a bit of a nervous breakdown. Many of my friends are moving on with their lives in one way or the other except for me. I feel stuck, as if I am waiting for that famous bus to come hit me. I try so hard to keep a good perspective of life but I live my life in fear. I am afraid of dying and leaving my elderly parents all alone with debt, i fear that I may loose my insurance coverage soon, I fear that I will waste away and look very sick and I fear that the meds may stop working or that i may get an OI. I observe my body and face for any drastic changes in my body. Most of all I fear that I will one day die all alone and no one will be by my side. Is it true that I can expect to live a normal lifestyle and expect to live a normal life expectancy?

coke

[Miss Philicia]

Dear cokaine, I won't make light of such fears as this is common and we all do it somewhat.  However, speaking from experience with such things, it seems these thoughts when left uncontrolled have a way of exponentially increasing and consuming oneself.  It's for this reason that I've found, as have many others on the board, that cognitive behavioral therapy is quite useful.  Have you looked into a therapist that is good with this?

Best of luck,
David

[RapidRod]

A normal life expectancy if you adhere to the meds and your doctors advice. A normal life style? That depends on what your life style was before. I would hope that it changes a little as one grows older. You can't go on doing things that got you into this situation, if that is what you mean. You will probably make some small changes but I don't see any reason to go over board.

[jack]

go for a walk.

[DanielMark]

Hi Cokaine,

I had actually started a thread on this topic earlier this year which you might be interested in reading through. If you do, I think you'll see that you are not alone in the fears you wrote about.

Living with HIV and the Fear of Change

Be good to you.

Daniel

[mjmel]

Actually, Jacks advice is based on sound principle. Do something physical like a walk or some work in the yard...that by nature of activity brings your focus back to the here and now. Something wholesome.......get some fresh air.
All good advice given, BTW. I wish this place would have been in existence when I first tested positive and was questioning some of the very things that you are now.
Sure, I would dare to claim that if you take care of yourself you can offer yourself a fairly decent life span and fulfillments. Find a doctor if you don't have one. Do your own research and be informed and proactive in your own treatment (without becoming a pain in the butt to deal with), and put any street, unprescribed drug use behind you. This would be an excellent start of a newly renewed life.

Mike

[ndrew]

Gosh, that is a lot of fear!!  Well I have shared many of these in various forms and times, however as I am stung by fear, life goes on...  then I pick myself up.  Good advice from others here.  Get out of your head.  Let it be OK.  Let it out.  Breathe.

When they draw my blood, its not the actual needle prick, but the ANTICIPATION that drives me crazy.  You are anticipating a lot here, I think we can cope with things, but one at a time, one day at a time... and that assumes we really know what will happen.

Love,
Drew

[Andy Velez]

Years ago it pissed me off when a friend would caution, "Don't worry about it. It probably won't even happen." I thought that was so stupid at the time.

But now with the hiindsight of many years of experience I have learned that it's true -- very often what we worry about never happens or when it does we're able to deal with it.

The important thing is to focus on living in the moment and on being present in your life today. The suggesitons about doing physical things is a good one. You have a lot of emotional and physical energy that needs to be healthily discharged. Otherwise it will just drive you nutz as you are finding out.

Work on keeping things simple. Handle what you can do today. Deal with tomorrow when you get there. Don't hang around in your head about this stuff. That can turn into enemy territory.

And keep talking because this kind of dilemma thrives on isolation.

 

[cokaine]

Thank you to all, especially Andy for the words of comfort. Deep deep in my heart i believe I will be a survivor of this or at least not die soon. Most of my fears are encountered due to lonely life i've lived lately. Little by little i am integrating myself to social groups and events but often am reminded that I am different because I have no partner or because I can not feel free to do the things I once did. I will get over it, I hope.

coke

[Andy Velez]

Coke, just do the best you can for today. I would say each day commit to doing something that gets you out into the world in whatever form that may take. Along with the effect of that each day there is an accumlated positive effect.

You're opening doors and you can never be certain or know for sure through which one new possibilities will open in your life. It's true that it won't be like the life you knew before. It will be your life now and without being too fruitcakey about it, I can promise you that some of it is going to be really good.

And like I said previously, keep talking. Let the colors that are you show.

By the way, I think a bit of a nervous breakdown every once in a while can be a great relief.

Cheers,

[Iggy]

I've been there and agree with the sentiments of most of the advice here - though have a different take on the delivery.

Stating from personal experience, being told to not sweat the small stuff, just focus on today, start exercising, etc, only made me feel worse. 

For me it was because those suggestions - while completely valid and worthy (and in fact - good ways to fight fears) can sometimes also relay a sense of the other parties actually are not listening to what the person who is expressing the fears is actually saying and just providing pat answers. As a result the person may feel even worse.

I am not saying that is necessarily the case with the answers given in this thread, just stating that sometimes good advice on how to move away from fears and worries can only be heeded after a full acknowledgment of what the person is actually going through first, and the person acknowledging what are the causes of the feelings before they try to fix things.

Coke - I would suggest that you start to write about the things you are fearing in some detail - Not necessarily on this board.  It can be in a journal or even just on scrap paper listing everything that is bothering you.  You may find that it starts a stream of consciousness that can lead you to something you are not even aware of as being an issue. 

I do agree that you probably could benefit from doing something physical - particularly outside or at the very least in a place that is not your usual surroundings - as the change in environment can really do a lot to change your perceptions as well.

[ThePerfectStranger]

Coke -

I have been living with HIV/AIDS for at least 23 years now - best guess is I have actually been infected for over 25 - got it back when it had no name and the only references to it in the news or scientific journals were little metions of a strange "gay cancer" that was starting to appear.  Back then it was pretty much a death sentence.  Things are much different today.  Chances are you will live a fairly normal life in terms of life expectancy (I plan on outliving everyone on the planet), albeit a somewhat difficult one.  Always try to remember there is always someone out there way worse off than you are and try to maintain your focus on staying well (stress and depression is a big enemy) and how fortunate you are to be alive.  I used to tell all of my old friends back in the early days of the epedemic that your mental approach to this disease is as important(if not more important) to your well being and survival than any med they will ever give you.  I told them "If you believe you are going to die you probably will... then again if you believe you are going to live you probably will."  Most of them believed they were going to die (well after all one could hardly blame them for thinking that since that is what the news and scientists and doctors all pretty much believed at the time - HIV meant you ain't got much time left).  And guess what?  They all did die.  Every last friggin one of my friends.  I'm still here because I never believed that this disease was going to kill me.  That may seem incredibly oversimplefying things but it's worked for me.  Then again I might just be to stubborn and mean to die I dunno.  I do know that I have been told by many doctors that my positive approach has probably helped me more than anything so (pardon this joke but I just have to...)

Grab a COKE and a smile 

Find your bliss or whatever makes you feel happy and use it when you are feeling down.  When that doesn't work try using that sadness/anger to your advantage - many times my anger at my situation gave me the strength to fight that much more when I thought I was ready to quit.  Do whatever works for you.

Life is short as hell even for the healthy folks of the world.  Enjoy it as much as you possibly can but don't be surprised by the bad days - they will still come fom time to time even if you were to be cured one day.  Just another part of this trip called life.

Good luck and lots of love and good vibes to you and yours my friend!

Peace!
Brian (The PerfectStranger)

[koksi]

I think having HIV is pretty scary.  So I think your fears are understandable.  I guess my initial response is to say that you shouldn't feel like you can't allow yourself to be afraid of uncertainty.  At the same time, however, the fear can be debilitating.  What to do?

I try to do my work and be good at my job, and that often takes my mind away from it, except when I am feeling fatigued, and then I worry that my work suffers...  Maybe you can also try to read about the disease, about current treatments for example and news, as a way of taking control and reducing the unknown.  I am trying that a bit myself.

The whole idea of 'being stuck' while you watch your friends 'move on' or whatever is tough.  I really know what you mean... I felt stuck for a few years as I watched my friends get promotions and buy real estate and stuff.  Fortunately, I think I am now moving forward once again.  One thing that I do worry about with respect to myself, in a way that may relate to what you are going through, is sublimating worries I have about other aspects of my life into an experience of HIV.  It's ironic I guess.  I worry that I will sublimate worry.  Makes no sense.

Another thought might be:  listen to music that inspires you.  I know that music that I love can really lift my spirits.