I WANT TO DIE, WHY DOESN'T GOD JUST LET ME DIE

[mystery901]

I HAVE BEEN LIVING WITH HIV SINCE JUNE 4, 2008. I JUST WNT TO DIE. I AM ALONE AND HAVE NO ONE TO HELP ME OUT. I AM A SINGLE PARENT AND I AM JUST TRYING TO GIVE HIM A BETTER LIFE AND NOW I HAVE HIV.

[BT65]

If you're trying to give your son a better life, why do you want to die?  What would he do without you?  And how would that make him feel, especially when he gets older.

I have been living with HIV, diagnosed, since 1989.  Life does go on.

[Bphun]

Hi Mystery

I also wanted to die when I first learned that i was positive about two years ago, but life does go on. I know its a little bit hard to look at it this way, but being HIV poz is a disease like any other, it just has a very bad rap. I look at my parents and they take a whole bunch of pills morning, noon and night for various ailments: they live with it and accept it, even if its not the most pleaseant things.

I've been on meds for 3 months now and my numbers have changed dramaticallly for the better. The advice I can give you is take the best care of your health (nutrition and excercise), reduce stress (meditation, etc) and get a good level of information on your options so that you are ready when the time comes to start the meds

Big hug

J.

[cjc]

Hello, I hope you are reading this. I have had HIV since 2004 and I have 2 boys. It is hard to accept but you can have a good life even having HIV and your son needs you. If you were not here then he would be alone.   Coming here is a good step, I talk to the ladies here often and there is nothing that you cannot get through if you let them help you and you help yourself.  Life does go on and until you can go on for yourself, then go on for your child. He loves you and if you keep reaching out, things will get better. Hope to hear more from you.   Cristy     

[missy]

Honey you have a whole life to live. You have a wonderful son that needs you.  I have been living with HIV for almost 6 years.  I recently lost my sole mate and thought my life was over too but with my son to support me and give me strength each day, I realized I still have my whole life to live too. Wake up each day and smell the roses cause life is too short.

Hugs

[TreDai]

Mystery,

You have you whole life ahead of you...And a beautiful son to care for. God does not want you to die sweetie he loves you...And is caring for you even if you dont see it right now. Remember that all things work together for the good of those that love the Lord and are called by him!! there is a beautiful work to be done by you, that can only can be done by you that was ordained by God for you to do!! Who can raise your son better than you?.....NO ONE!!  I have been living with HIV since 2006. My baby gives me strength to go on. Your son is all the reason you need to press!!  You have you and your sons life to look forward to!!

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[Happy1976]

Afternoon Mystery  (South African Time)

I know exactly what you are going through.
I felt like that when I was diagnosed.
I wanted to die because of shame and self hate. I did not .
On the 27th of March 2009, I will be knowingly living with HIV for a year.

I am a single parent. A bread winner , a provider for my family.
My son is 16. I am living for him and for myself because I love life.

If you cant live for yourself please live for your son.
Life is too precious and beautiful to want to die.

There are beautiful souls in the positive women's forum.
You can read their stories, you will then realise that you are not alone.

Pray, GOD will grant you strength

With Love ,
Happy

[pozandpregnantct]

Thank you for your emotional honesty.  I know that it isn't easy.
I am newly positive also and struggle not to allow myself to slip down into my depression.  It is such a challenge!!  I am doing a lot of soul searching and therapy is helping, slowly.  Another thing that helps is my faith in something bigger than me... God.
I don't know if you read or if you believe in God, but I just finished a book that truly touched me and is helping me to look at my life and HIV in a different way.  It is called THE SHACK, by William P. Young.  It is a beautiful story about where God is in a world so filled with pain.  It truly touched the heart of my pain and I could not put it down.  I found a lot of answers to deep questions I have surrounding my diagnosis and my relationship with God.
I know you are busy, but it is a short work of fiction (around 250 pages).  I hope you can take the time to read it and that it will touch you in the way it has me.
God Loves YOU!!  Just because you are you... special and unique as only you can be.
God Bless

[havetohavefaith]

Hi Mystery,

I just wanted to send you virtual {{hugs}}
I'am so sorry you are feeling this way, I hope the posts the other women have shared will encourage you to see that you can have a wonderful life for you and your child. I'am not + but my husband is, please message me if you need a shoulder to lean on. I can tell you its our children that have gotten us through his diagnosis and to realize how good our life can be and is.

Please know there are people who DO care.

~J

[bobean]

Hi,I'm Bobean,I've been living with AIDS for 14 years, all but one I've been alone.I have 4 children and 9 grandchildren,that I would have missed out on,if my prayers to die were answered years ago.And I know my children and Grands need me as much as I need them. It sounds to me like you are terribly depressed,which is common for people with hiv.I know it's hard to find good mental health care out there,but it's trial and error,keep looking.I take Paxil for my anxiety,it's worked wonders,and my depression isn't as bad.Just hang in there and keep the faith..Life does get better,it just takes time.

[Veritee]

Hi Mystery
I have not been diagnosed very long either and it is very hard and early days for us both.

I did not feel like I wanted to die at all but I have since met others who did feel like this and I was VERY angry!!

I am really quite positive and happy most of the time now however.

What was the turning point for me was meeting others with HIV.

 Both in person and online. I also went to some retreats and meetings for women with HIV which were so great in getting me back on track with my life.

Obviously HIV is not something you would wish to have but it really is not a death sentence and as in everything in life it can give you something too. I have met wonderful people and people of such strength that I would not have been privileged to meet otherwise and I have learned to make the most of life as much as is possible and live for each day. Something I did not do before and struggled often in my past with being positive about things sometimes.

Obviously I would rather not have HIV , but I do and nothing can change that -  so I have found there is a silver lining if you look for it and make it for yourself .

I know it is hard to see that when you are in that dark place you are and you may not believe me.

So all I can say is try to talk to as many HIV poz people as you can and perhaps find places where you can offload and explore your feelings and work them out -  if you can and perhaps if it is available to you have some counseling or even just some relaxation therapies or activities that you just do for you.

You are important as well as your son - yes you have to live for your son as he is your responsibility but you have to live for you too. No one can just live for someone else however important they are too us.

i know this may sound like I am saying platitudes but they are not - this is what I have found

I do hope you feel better soon

Veritee

[bleueyes]

I have had it for fourteen years on the 25th of this month. The day after that I will be thirty- two. So every year I have this major freak out which is obvious in my posts today. But all I can say is give yourself a chance and some time. Pretty soon you'll see that things having to do with your health can sometimes be the easier part of your day.
I can explain by saying my pills do not ignore me as my daughter likes to at times.
I would like to apologize to whoever had to deal with my freak out posts.