Hi to all with a big hug and a big thanks! :)

[gaynpositive]

Hi all,

first of all, i want to thank the forum and all its members for continuously providing useful information on all topics related to HIV. i am a new member, living in India and though I have not yet posted anything, I have been reading the posts on this forum for quite some time as a guest thanks guys, each and every one of you and especially hope4love for making me feel that having HIV is not the end of the world for me, that I can fight it and that too in a healthy and mature way!

Just a brief history about me, in case you are interested

I am a 39 year old gay guy from New Delhi, India, diagnosed with HIV in November 2008. I went through the initial emotions of despair, hopelessness, fear and anger towards the guy who I think passed me the disease (though I was never sure and my angry outbursts on him didnt get me anything; in fact, he said he couldnt have passed it on to me coz his viral load was undetectable at the time and we never indulged in any anals).

Though I never thought of committing suicide, having read and watched enough news by that time already to know that I am not dying soon , one question that started bugging me was WHY ME?? WHY ME?? HOW COME I GOT THE DIAGNOSIS when my gay friends are fucking around all the time, many even barebacking all the time...!! How could i get HIV through orals? I mean, every single piece of literature or whatever TV news i had ever watched by that time said that orals have no risk of transmission whatsoever!! And here i was the bugger, who got it through orals!! got it from a guy with undetectable viral load !! I mean, look at my fate !! ..

Anways, this thought started killing me and I lost all hope of life !! i started neglecting my hygiene to begin with, neglecting my friends, neglecting my work and eventually was severely depressed to the point that everyone around me started noticing that something was wrong with me!!

Now in India, mental disease is such a big taboo that you cannot tell anyone that you are depressed! they look down upon you, thinking you have gone crazy. And even if they would have understood me, I couldnt have told them anything about my being gay and HIV positive!!

So, one thing I eventually did was to gather courage and talk to one of my friends in our gay running group who I knew was a counselor before. That discussion over the phone changed my life! Not only did he listen to me very carefully for three hours, he did not judge me. That was such a breather! Over a  course of a week, two weeks, he talked to me often, encouraging me all the time and eventually he connected me to a fellow gay guy living in another city who was also living with HIV for more than five years.

This other guy, whom I will call "N", started talking to me over the phone every day, sharing with me his experience with the diagnosis, with details about how to deal with Indian medical system, his experience with meds, side effects, nutritious food, everything !! He made me learn to deal with the diagnosis, to fight it and not to give up. and he was 50! He told me that when he can fight with the disease at 50, how can I give up at 35?

Finally I discovered this forum and I started reading everyone's experience and posts and I felt so alive, being a part of this amazing and wonderful group of people. Like I said before, though I was a guest all this time, I never felt like I was not a member!

Thanks everyone, especially hope4love, for your informative, encouraging, life-enhancing posts! I owe you all and maybe one day, I will be able to share some information which might help a new member like me!

gaynpositive

[karry]

Hi Gaynpositive!
Glad you found this forum and got a positive experience from the stories of members.
I echo your feelings of gratitude and hope, because I feel the same way about this forum. Coming here was one of the best decisions I ever made post diagnosis, and I am inspired especially by the LTS and their experiences. At times when I am feeling low I come here, read some stories, share my feelings, get advice and it makes it so much easier to handle the issue I am facing.

Hugs to you, and many more healthy years!
Karry

[gaynpositive]

Hi Karry,

Thanks for writing! We are all one in this..sharing and caring and helping each other out!

Hugs to you as well !!
GaynPositive