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Author Topic: re: do we have walls around us between those positive and negative?  (Read 4493 times)

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Offline poet

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  • Posts: 934
  • Poet living and working in Central Maine
Yes, another of those questions.  It came to me after logging off, thinking about people who have partners who are negative and post message here as postive men and women.  If you stopped to think about it, are you having a conversation, positive to positive, with a wall between yourself and your negative partner when you do this, as though only someone positive really gets what it is to be positive?  You can let your hair down and complain in a way that you don't with your negative partner?  The pressure of being a health, happy positive person goes out the window, because you don't want to seem that way to your negative partner? And extend this to anyone who is negative in the way that, as a gay man, if my doctor is gay, if my social worker is gay, his/her gayness becomes a non-issue and the conversations I have are less guarded, less careful and, sometimes playful.

From personal experience, I had one partner who couldn't handle any discussion of hiv period, not the work I did with patients, not the lives of guys I knew who were positive, not a play about hiv/AIDS.  I have had the hovering, negative boyfriend who was 'trying to understand' what it was like.  So I often found relief in being places where hiv was the norm, where it became a given and so we could talk without it being THERE, if this makes sense.  Ditto sex life, how less stressful it can be, for no logical reason, when both of you are hiv positive versus when one of you is and one of you isn't (but could become, the unstated).  Best, Win
Winthrop Smith has published three collections of poetry: Ghetto: From The First Five; The Weigh-In: Collected Poems; Skin Check: New York Poems.  The last was published in December 2006.  He has a work-in-progress underway titled Starting Positions.

Offline DanielMark

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Re: re: do we have walls around us between those positive and negative?
« Reply #1 on: November 02, 2006, 10:30:44 am »
No walls for me, thanks.

My three-year current (me Poz - him Neg) loving relationship isn't based on the health of either one of us, actually. HIV doesn't rule my entire life. Nor does sex. That's a choice I made long ago.

I wouldn't stay involved with anyone (mate or not) who couldn't face the reality I now live with. If someone doesn't want to hear about or show support with any problem I might encounter in living, then why would I want them in my life? Makes no sense.

Jimmy and I communicate well because we are unafraid to talk about anything. Nothing’s off-limits. To me, that's the only way a healthy relationship can thrive and survive.

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline Lisa

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  • Formerly known as sweetieweasel/Joined Nov. 2004
    • http://www.myspace.com/lisanowak58
Re: re: do we have walls around us between those positive and negative?
« Reply #2 on: November 02, 2006, 10:54:53 am »
I bear no ill will, but I get the creepy idea that you are conducting some type of psychosocial research with all of these existential threads.
I'm probably wrong, but I've become wary of people whose threads are almost exclusively of the "deep thought" flavor.
.....but I suppose you might construe this as a wall. Other than that,I have no problems with walls.
No Fear  No Shame  No Stigma
Happiness is not getting what you want, but wanting what you have.

Offline allopathicholistic

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Re: re: do we have walls around us between those positive and negative?
« Reply #3 on: November 02, 2006, 12:09:11 pm »
LOL Lisa!


poet: I did put up serodiscordant walls between my now ex-BF ---but honestly it was just a symptom of a larger issue, which was: I fell out of love with him for plenty of reasons unrelated to HIV. I loved him as a friend but no longer as a lover. Today, we're friends.

Offline wellington

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  • Don't sweat the little things.
Re: re: do we have walls around us between those positive and negative?
« Reply #4 on: November 02, 2006, 12:10:00 pm »
After almost 17 years, only the last of which has been serodiscordant, we communicate with few barriers and certainly nothing I would term a wall. The only times walls enter the picture is when either he or I is engaged in sexual communication of an intimate nature.

I come here, moreover, to educate myself, to stay current on HIV-related issues, and to provide and to receive support from the membership, as well as chime in on questions such as this ;)

Offline poet

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  • Posts: 934
  • Poet living and working in Central Maine
Re: re: do we have walls around us between those positive and negative?
« Reply #5 on: November 02, 2006, 01:36:49 pm »
Disclaimers?  Apologies? Andy Velez, whom I don't know personally but whom I must have seen way, way back in time with Act-Up (he knew via Act-Up and I outside of Act-Up the same person and he was aware of those of us who worked for the NYC office of the National Aids Hotline) has suggested that I inject some more personal background to, hopefully, explain where I am coming from.  Start with being a home attendant of a NYC AIDS program for terminal patients.  Then the N.A.Hotline.  Then the board of PWAC (People With AIDS Coalition, back when the directors were dying faster than they could be installed).  A facilitator for a drop-in support group.  Throw into the mix my being a published poet, someone known as a minimalist poet who edits out everything that doesn't need to be said, who is thoroughly comfortable with Virginia Woolf's stream-of-consciousness: abstract. 

So to Lisa and any others, this disclaimer and apology: yes, I tend to write these threads from the mind of a facilitator, NOT that I am a facilitator here, but that I try to keep myself in the background as much as possible and see if I can reach beneath the health updates into 'other' things, feelings, etc.  This is not to say that I see less value in the great conversations we have here, questions about this new drug, support with this new issue.  There are, luckily, lot's of voices in the forums and when someone's post/reply tugs at me, often another way of thinking, another approach comes to mind and ends up as one of these threads.  I can only hope that some people, whether they read and move on or reply find them useful or, at the least, find them as another voice/angle.  Win
Winthrop Smith has published three collections of poetry: Ghetto: From The First Five; The Weigh-In: Collected Poems; Skin Check: New York Poems.  The last was published in December 2006.  He has a work-in-progress underway titled Starting Positions.

Offline Lisa

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  • Formerly known as sweetieweasel/Joined Nov. 2004
    • http://www.myspace.com/lisanowak58
Re: re: do we have walls around us between those positive and negative?
« Reply #6 on: November 02, 2006, 04:19:37 pm »
Andy is indeed a very perceptive man. While I have seen you post in other threads, your participation seemd to be at a minimal level.
My radar has a knack of signaling when a newcomer asks probing queries, while at the same time, not offering much of themselves.
We have been accosted by all manner of people, who have eventually turned up to be intelligent worry wells, or denialists with an agenda.
 I thank you for offering up yourself, and i would like to say again, that I meant no ill will.
Some of us have just become a smidgen jaded by past onslaughts.
I do think you have offered a new viewpoint that has given me pause to reflect.
Thank you for the clarification.
I hope I didn't come across as too crass.


No Fear  No Shame  No Stigma
Happiness is not getting what you want, but wanting what you have.

Offline RapidRod

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Re: re: do we have walls around us between those positive and negative?
« Reply #7 on: November 02, 2006, 04:47:13 pm »
I don't know of anyone that likes to hear about HIV or AIDS all the time or how sick someone is or depressed. I treat it like my jobs and I've had some nasty jobs. I left it all at work. If someone should bring up the topic, I'll answer. I don't dwell on it.

Offline poet

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  • Posts: 934
  • Poet living and working in Central Maine
Re: re: do we have walls around us between those positive and negative?
« Reply #8 on: November 02, 2006, 06:44:19 pm »
I appreciate your calling me on my approach, Lisa, and certainly no offense was taken.  Whether it's via posts and threads in the forums or potential daters who find us across the country, appear besmitten and then, of course, beat a hasty retreat, we all are wise to question where someone came from, etc.  To RapidR., yes, I used to dread (although I hope I never showed it) the drop-in regulars with a single focus on self.  Win
Winthrop Smith has published three collections of poetry: Ghetto: From The First Five; The Weigh-In: Collected Poems; Skin Check: New York Poems.  The last was published in December 2006.  He has a work-in-progress underway titled Starting Positions.

Offline Eldon

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Re: re: do we have walls around us between those positive and negative?
« Reply #9 on: November 02, 2006, 09:17:38 pm »
Hello Poet,

There are no barriers that exist in my life. What is important is the acceptance, the communication, and the "understanding" of what was communicated. Just as Daniel has mentioned, it provides you with a healthy relationship that will thrive and survive.



Make the BEST of each and every Day!

Offline DanielMark

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  • Posts: 1,475
Re: re: do we have walls around us between those positive and negative?
« Reply #10 on: November 03, 2006, 07:14:03 am »
The thing I find about communication is that when it’s open and unbarred, it enhances (any and all) relationships. When topics are pronounced off-limits I bristle and those proverbial “red flags” begin to pop. To me that spells the beginning of the end of relating.

Ironically, my current boyfriend Jimmy got spooked when we’d met and things began to get intimate. Before we’d even undressed he told me he just couldn’t “handle this.” I was disappointed but fully understood. After some weeks and after he’d gone and educated himself about HIV he began come around wanting us to date again.

Anyway, now we laugh about that and I think he’s actually a bit embarrassed by it.

Prior to that I was in a ten-year relationship which came to an end when the communication dwindled off. Today we are simply very good friends for each other. We actually get along better now than when we were a couple.

Ugh. Human beans can be so weird!

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline poet

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  • Posts: 934
  • Poet living and working in Central Maine
Re: re: do we have walls around us between those positive and negative?
« Reply #11 on: November 04, 2006, 08:15:57 am »
Thanks for your timely post, DanielMark.  I borrowed it for another thread, someone whose love interest left him after the third date hiv disclosure.  I was glad that I could refer to your experience as something which might take the sting out of his (temporary/permanent?) rejection.  Win
Winthrop Smith has published three collections of poetry: Ghetto: From The First Five; The Weigh-In: Collected Poems; Skin Check: New York Poems.  The last was published in December 2006.  He has a work-in-progress underway titled Starting Positions.

Offline Jeffreyj

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  • Posts: 1,403
Re: re: do we have walls around us between those positive and negative?
« Reply #12 on: November 04, 2006, 08:36:16 am »
I can no longer date an HIV- man anymore. I have tried. It is much too scary, or stressful. I just met a great guy. He is POZ. Wow! what a difference. The sex was 10x better then with a Neg person. I knew and he knew, and that seemed to open up "The floodgates" if you will. It was awesome. I just can't see going back! Is this wrong?  It feels right!
Positive since 1985

Offline RapidRod

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  • Posts: 15,288
Re: re: do we have walls around us between those positive and negative?
« Reply #13 on: November 04, 2006, 08:49:40 am »
"Open Up The Flood Gates?" I'm not touching that statement. :D

Offline Cliff

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Re: re: do we have walls around us between those positive and negative?
« Reply #14 on: November 04, 2006, 08:59:00 am »
I just can't see going back! Is this wrong?  It feels right!
I don't think it's wrong.  If it works for you, then it is right.  I think I would prefer to date a guy who is positive too.  For lots of reasons, but yes, sex is one of them.  I wouldn't avoid dating someone who is negative, but I just think my preference is to meet someone who is positive.

Offline DanielMark

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Re: re: do we have walls around us between those positive and negative?
« Reply #15 on: November 04, 2006, 10:29:37 am »
Quote from: poet
Thanks for your timely post, DanielMark.  I borrowed it for another thread, someone whose love interest left him after the third date hiv disclosure.  I was glad that I could refer to your experience as something which might take the sting out of his (temporary/permanent?) rejection.  Win


Uh oh, you know what this means don't you? I'll have to hunt you down and tickle you till you pee your pants.

Daniel
MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline poet

  • Member
  • Posts: 934
  • Poet living and working in Central Maine
Re: re: do we have walls around us between those positive and negative?
« Reply #16 on: November 04, 2006, 04:59:59 pm »
Thankfully we are prohibiting Candians from crossing our border with weapons of ticklish eruption.  :) W
Winthrop Smith has published three collections of poetry: Ghetto: From The First Five; The Weigh-In: Collected Poems; Skin Check: New York Poems.  The last was published in December 2006.  He has a work-in-progress underway titled Starting Positions.

 


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