POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: WhereIsTheArk on December 04, 2010, 05:25:38 pm
-
What kind of rejection, ridicule, or just plain ignorance have you dealt with from others due to your HIV status? How did you cope with it?
-
None.
-
Hmmmmmm..... :-\
Only once for me. It was with a guy a friend had been wanting to introduce me to for awhile. The introduction happened about a month after I was Dx and we hit it off right away. I was still reeling from the Dx and trying to get my head around it. There was a lot of chemistry between us and we were hanging out quite a bit and he was making "passes" but I was just deflecting them as best I could. Finally, one day at the mall, it kind of came to a head and I figured "I need to tell this guy or he's gonna think I'm stuck up or not interested". So over lunch, I just said exactly that, something along the lines of "Look, I don't want you to think I'm not interested cuz I am it's just that I just found out I'm poz". He was pretty cool with it and gave me this "Wow! I totally respect your honesty, yada yada, yada". I remember thinking at that point that "this was gonna be a breeze". Plus, he was a Dr so I figured he'd "get it".
Then, he started asking me a lot of questions and I did my best to answer them. By then, I felt pretty educated about the risks and the value of protection (plus, I was really into him and so I'm sure I overemphasized things could work out). Fast forward about 3 weeks and the daily multitude of calls slowing dwindled down to none. I don't remember the last time I spoke to him. :P
-
Sorry to hear that story Zorro!
Some day your true prince will come.
You and your three cats are a good catch for a smart man.
Thus far we have not experienced any rejection, but we are tending to stay with poz folks.
Hoover & Dr. T.
-
Ignorance, everyday, oh wait thought you were referring to in general..... :) In discussions I have had with people I would call it more uninformed or misinformed as opposed to ignorance, which presents an excellent opportunity to correct the thinking.
Ridicule - none, very lucky i guess
Rejection - oh honey I was rejected just as much pre-hiv as post hiv. But seriously, all of my family and friends have just been super. The only I guy I really have dated and was interested in since being diagnosed was fine when I told him and while I was sucking him off. After that I never heard from him and I don't think it was due to my oral talents. The most rejection I have is just looking for the casual sexual encounter. I just take it for what it is and move on. Most of the time they aren't rejecting me for who I am, but the HIV. It used to really bother me, but I just think his loss or I realize that what is a meaningless fuck in the big scheme of things.
-
The most significant rejection I have faced in all my years with HIV (19 and counting) has been from my own mother. She initially rejected me when I first disclosed to her through her own ignorance and fears (she was afraid I might infect my sisters if I visited our family home); a year or so later I was allowed back to visit though she never hugged or kissed me again.
In 2000, I was approached by the BBC to ask if I would feature in a documentary about HIV positive women. When I ran the idea passed my mother her response was to say ‘Why on earth would you go television and embarrass the family?’; after a few more choice words her parting comment to me was ‘if you go ahead and make the programme that will be the last you ever hear from me’.
I made the programme; I have not seen or spoken to her for over a decade now - even when I was seriously ill with pneumonia back in 2003 she didn’t pick up the phone and that was the moment I realised I had to let go of any possibility of her ever accepting me back into her life.
The way I dealt with and continue to deal with that rejection is to recognise that I am better off without her in my life even though she is my mother. If she cannot accept me as an HIV positive woman then there is nothing I can say or do to change that. Fortunately I have a great number of friends who provide me with unconditional love and support so I don’t even miss her presence in my life any more.
99% of reactions I have had to my disclosure over the years have been supportive; I think the fear of rejection, ridicule or prejudice is often greater than the reality (or maybe I have just been fortunate).
Emma
-
Rejection and ridicule have not happened to me yet but I would expect at some point in time I may experience that. My family has been very supportive, although my mom did ask that I not disclose my status here in this small town where we live. She does not want her friends to know. That kinda hurts a bit but I understand why she holds that position, so I don't tell her friends.
I was interested in a fella a few months back and things were going pretty well (yes I disclosed to him), but over time our communication and visits became less frequent. That scenario also happened before I knew I was HIV+ so I am not sure if it can be attributed solely to being HIV+. I will say that it crossed my mind that me being positive was the reason. He said he had no issues with it and of course we 'played' safely. In a way, I felt rejected but I also know that sometimes the 'spark' or 'chemistry' between two people does not last.
@ Emma - Sorry to hear that your mom has taken that route. It seems as though you have processed that well (much better than I think I would).
@ ElZorro - I know how you feel buddy. They just sorta fall into the deep blue abyss don't they?
-
I was ridiculed mercilessly on a gay (non-HIV) forum (by one person who had a personal axe to grind) for looking "like a walking mummy" when my face first experienced grade 3 lipoatrophy a decade ago. Twas so brutal the rest of you would have pulled a razor blade over your wrists ;) I was traumatized for five minutes, but then thought wtf, this vile queen is still uglier than I am and he can't even blame a fucking virus, not to mention he has halitosis and can't even pull together an outfit. Amusingly he was diagnosed with HIV a couple of years later and totally freaked out. Reap, sow... you know the drill.
Rejection after disclosing for dating purposes? Surely there must have been but I can't recall. More likely they rejected me for saying something inopportune, as I am prone to do. I reject others plenty for other transgressions so hey, that's just life.
Anyway, I stopped sweating cock when I was 20.
-
@Emma: that's awful and I feel bad for you. I hope eventually your mother will come around and make things right.
Hoover and Hope: thanks, but in one respect, I think I "deserve" to have been subjected to that experience. Not that I'm a martyr or anything. It's just that before this chapter of my life, I was pretty ignorant of HIV and would never have knowingly gone out with someone who was HIV+. I did "date" one guy for a brief period but there was a lot of anxiety on my part; esp in bed. I try my best not to be a hateful person, but ignorance breeds fear and I was ignorant. I'm sure part of my rationalization was there are HIV- people out there so why take the risk. Just last week I had the chance to apologize to one person I didn't "give a chance".
He was way too nice to me about it when he accepted my apology.
What Emma is involved with and what Annie Lennox and others are doing is huge. Whether's it to increase awareness in order to addresss priorties with respect to organizing research or prioritizing funding or to highlight that this virus can be controlled and shouldn't be an impediment to a relationship, it's absolutely needed.
My hat is off to you, Emma! Even in light of the personal sacrifices you are making with your family, you're willing to do what needs to be done. I for one am very greatful. I haven't figured out how I can "make a difference", but I'm working on some ideas.
Bravo!
~Z
-
I haven't dealt with rejection yet because I havent let myself be in that situation. For me it's something I need to overcome. I try to put myself into the poz arena for dating so I can avoid the disclosure issue. But even in that arena Ive had rejection, but it had nothing to do with HIV.
-Will
-
Hmmmmmm..... :-\
Only once for me. It was with a guy a friend had been wanting to introduce me to for awhile. The introduction happened about a month after I was Dx and we hit it off right away. I was still reeling from the Dx and trying to get my head around it. There was a lot of chemistry between us and we were hanging out quite a bit and he was making "passes" but I was just deflecting them as best I could. Finally, one day at the mall, it kind of came to a head and I figured "I need to tell this guy or he's gonna think I'm stuck up or not interested". So over lunch, I just said exactly that, something along the lines of "Look, I don't want you to think I'm not interested cuz I am it's just that I just found out I'm poz". He was pretty cool with it and gave me this "Wow! I totally respect your honesty, yada yada, yada". I remember thinking at that point that "this was gonna be a breeze". Plus, he was a Dr so I figured he'd "get it".
Then, he started asking me a lot of questions and I did my best to answer them. By then, I felt pretty educated about the risks and the value of protection (plus, I was really into him and so I'm sure I overemphasized things could work out). Fast forward about 3 weeks and the daily multitude of calls slowing dwindled down to none. I don't remember the last time I spoke to him. :P
I'm sorry you went through that. It's funny how people can reject you in a prolonged nice way, without directly saying that they want nothing to do with you.
-
I haven't dealt with rejection yet because I havent let myself be in that situation. For me it's something I need to overcome. I try to put myself into the poz arena for dating so I can avoid the disclosure issue. But even in that arena Ive had rejection, but it had nothing to do with HIV.
-Will
So the question is, if we're trying to date someone HIV-negative why do we automatically assume that it was our HIV disclosure that caused them to run away? Ah, because that's the easy out and shifts all of the blame onto someone else, when in fact, the nasty dirty truth is that it might have been a wide variety of reason... you know, like sitting there and jabbering on endlessly about our tedious obsession with our own HIV which of course no negative person is really interested in for more than five minutes.
-
The most significant rejection I have faced in all my years with HIV (19 and counting) has been from my own mother. She initially rejected me when I first disclosed to her through her own ignorance and fears (she was afraid I might infect my sisters if I visited our family home); a year or so later I was allowed back to visit though she never hugged or kissed me again.
In 2000, I was approached by the BBC to ask if I would feature in a documentary about HIV positive women. When I ran the idea passed my mother her response was to say ‘Why on earth would you go television and embarrass the family?’; after a few more choice words her parting comment to me was ‘if you go ahead and make the programme that will be the last you ever hear from me’.
I made the programme; I have not seen or spoken to her for over a decade now - even when I was seriously ill with pneumonia back in 2003 she didn’t pick up the phone and that was the moment I realised I had to let go of any possibility of her ever accepting me back into her life.
The way I dealt with and continue to deal with that rejection is to recognise that I am better off without her in my life even though she is my mother. If she cannot accept me as an HIV positive woman then there is nothing I can say or do to change that. Fortunately I have a great number of friends who provide me with unconditional love and support so I don’t even miss her presence in my life any more.
99% of reactions I have had to my disclosure over the years have been supportive; I think the fear of rejection, ridicule or prejudice is often greater than the reality (or maybe I have just been fortunate).
Emma
That's utterly heartbreaking! I'm soo sorry your own mother has disowned you for being HIV positive. When your own family rejects you like that, it's so painful! I can't imagine. But you are right, you are better without her in your life. And friends are great when it comes to filling such voids. Thank you for sharing!
-
So the question is, if we're trying to date someone HIV-negative why do we automatically assume that it was our HIV disclosure that caused them to run away? Ah, because that's the easy out and shifts all of the blame onto someone else, when in fact, the nasty dirty truth is that it might have been a wide variety of reason... you know, like sitting there and jabbering on endlessly about our tedious obsession with our own HIV which of course no negative person is really interested in for more than five minutes.
Yes that's an excellent point and one I'd prefer to not have to deal with right now in my life, "Was it the HIV or my bad breath"? I have enough hand wringing to do. At least If it's a pozzie I could assume it was my bad breath.
-W
-
I was ridiculed mercilessly on a gay (non-HIV) forum (by one person who had a personal axe to grind) for looking "like a walking mummy" when my face first experienced grade 3 lipoatrophy a decade ago. Twas so brutal the rest of you would have pulled a razor blade over your wrists ;) I was traumatized for five minutes, but then thought wtf, this vile queen is still uglier than I am and he can't even blame a fucking virus
LMAO! That's a great attitude to have! Good for you!
-
Hugs to each of you that has shared painful stories of rejection .
I have had many rejections but I try hard to remember you never really can know what motivates another person to act as they do .
As an older single man with HIV I have been proactive about learning how to be alone and happy , its not as easy as it used to be to date so I consentrate on the good things like family and friends .
-
Hoover and Hope: thanks, but in one respect, I think I "deserve" to have been subjected to that experience. Not that I'm a martyr or anything. It's just that before this chapter of my life, I was pretty ignorant of HIV and would never have knowingly gone out with someone who was HIV+. I did "date" one guy for a brief period but there was a lot of anxiety on my part; esp in bed. I try my best not to be a hateful person, but ignorance breeds fear and I was ignorant. I'm sure part of my rationalization was there are HIV- people out there so why take the risk. Just last week I had the chance to apologize to one person I didn't "give a chance".
He was way too nice to me about it when he accepted my apology.
~Z
Nobody deserves to face such rejection. I know what you mean though because before I found out I was POZ, I also held an ignorant attitude towards HIV, and was really scared of HIV because I didn't know much about it other than it was a potential killer! You are a brighter person these days, and what you did prior to finding out your status was only a result of being human. We live and learn everyday!
-
you know, like sitting there and jabbering on endlessly about our tedious obsession with our own HIV which of course no negative person is really interested in for more than five minutes.
You are right about that Miss P. I remember being of that mindset before I knew I was HIV positive. Of course I had friends that were positive but honestly, I did not care to hear about it 'ad nauseam'.
-
My ex-wife quit cheating on her husband by having post marital sex (PMS) with me... can't really recall anything else.
-
Yes that's an excellent point and one I'd prefer to not have to deal with right now in my life, "Was it the HIV or my bad breath"? I have enough hand wringing to do. At least If it's a pozzie I could assume it was my bad breath.
-W
I'm so glad that we broke off our engagement. No amount of biceps can compensate for booty breath.
As far as the original question goes, I guess I'm rather thick-skinned to even notice rejection. The one manhunt trick who was initially shocked by my status decided to put his fears away and became a bit of a stalking nuisance after we did the deed.
Now, ignorance? I still see it rather often. A simple example: a couple of months ago I went on this date from hell (cute guy with pure diarrhea in his skull instead of grey matter; everything that came out of his mouth was simply stupid and self-centered). I figured that if I disclosed my status he'd freak out and I could make it home on time to catch 'Top Chef: Just Desserts.' He looks at me and says: "oh, I knew that; I could tell by looking at your face. But I'm Ok with that, I have sex with poz guys all the time and remain negative to this date." The blatant ignorance was so disgusting that I stood up, threw thirty bucks on the table to cover my share, and left. I'm too Ally McBeal for that shit.
you know, like sitting there and jabbering on endlessly about our tedious obsession with our own HIV which of course no negative person is really interested in for more than five minutes.
And this can be very annoying, even if you are with another pozzum. Happened to moi on another date (not a bad one, just kinda tedious). This muscle-stud had been poz for about four years and 85% of the conversation during our phone calls and meetings revolved around this virus. I could not imagine having to deal with that on a daily basis. We still talk once a month or so, but he got removed from my prospective dating list.
So... rejection and ignorance are bound to happen to all of us at some point. The key thing is not to obsess over it and move on quickly. Some humans are simply designed to disappoint.
-
I think the worst rejection because of HIV was from a friend years ago. Alan and I used to workout, bike and basically hang out together. We would get together with our partners and all go out to dinner, movies, etc. The four of us were at dinner one night and the subject of HIV came up. I casually mentioned that my partner and I had been HIV+ for years. Well, Alan was completely shocked, got tearful and had to leave. I didn’t anticipate that reaction at all. I tried calling and emailing but he was obviously avoiding me. His partner eventually told me that Alan “couldn’t handle the HIV thing”, that Alan felt I never should have told him and that he didn’t want to hang out anymore. I was disappointed, hurt and angry. He and his partner moved out of the area shortly after that due to a job transfer and I did get an email from him approximately a year later saying they were coming into town and wanted to go out to dinner. I didn’t respond.
What I really wanted to tell him is that he is a total coward and he had better hope that he never has to deal with anything more serious than a hangnail. If he can’t even deal with having a friend with HIV-- a friend who wasn't even sick-- he couldn’t possibly survive having a partner with HIV or cancer or having a serious illness himself.
I’m not bitter.
-
I don't think I've experienced rejection--although I haven't told very many people. In full disclosure, I've not told anyone. My partner was there when I was dx'ed. So, I didn't really have to sit him down and tell him. A nurse disclosed to my brother and his partner. Other than that, I don't think anyone else knows--unless you include me having to disclose to med professionals, which doesn't really count. Or does it? I guess it does, because med professionals can reject you just as easily as anyone.
The last time I was at my regular family doctor (who I don't see that often), they wouldn't take my temperature. I even mentioned how I thought I was running a temperature and specifically asked for it to be taken. My doc said he could tell I was running a temp, because I was hot. It seemed like they were going out of their way to not take my temp. I thought surely they don't think I can spread teh AIDS by using the temp machine. I thought I was just being paranoid, and maybe I was. I have an appt coming up with him and will see if they refuse to do it again. If they don't do it when they had always done it before, then I'll have to say something.
As it pertains to relationships, I can only imagine how devestating it would be to really like someone and be rejected. I can understand the fear people would have and not wanting to deal with that. It still doesn't make it easier.
-
Removed because some memories are too painful to share with others.
-
Removed because some memories are too painful to share with others.
I felt I learned more about you and what you've been through from reading the post. Having said that, I understand you pulling it, so I will not comment more than that.
-
I think the worst rejection because of HIV was from a friend years ago. Alan and I used to workout, bike and basically hang out together. We would get together with our partners and all go out to dinner, movies, etc. The four of us were at dinner one night and the subject of HIV came up. I casually mentioned that my partner and I had been HIV+ for years. Well, Alan was completely shocked, got tearful and had to leave. I didn’t anticipate that reaction at all. I tried calling and emailing but he was obviously avoiding me. His partner eventually told me that Alan “couldn’t handle the HIV thing”, that Alan felt I never should have told him and that he didn’t want to hang out anymore. I was disappointed, hurt and angry. He and his partner moved out of the area shortly after that due to a job transfer and I did get an email from him approximately a year later saying they were coming into town and wanted to go out to dinner. I didn’t respond.
What I really wanted to tell him is that he is a total coward and he had better hope that he never has to deal with anything more serious than a hangnail. If he can’t even deal with having a friend with HIV-- a friend who wasn't even sick-- he couldn’t possibly survive having a partner with HIV or cancer or having a serious illness himself.
I’m not bitter.
That sounds painful, I'm sorry you underwent that reaction from him. Sometimes, people need time to adjust, not everything is strong enough to deal with HIV. I understand and respect your decision to not respond to their invitation to have dinner together after that. But, if it were me, I would've looked past the hurt feelings, and give him another chance. It seemed at the end, they finally accepted the fact that you were poz, and wanted to rebuild that bridge. It seemed that he did really care about you since he got so upset when he found out, but he couldn't handle the truth, at that time. Oh well, friends come and they go.
-
The last time I was at my regular family doctor (who I don't see that often), they wouldn't take my temperature. I even mentioned how I thought I was running a temperature and specifically asked for it to be taken. My doc said he could tell I was running a temp, because I was hot. It seemed like they were going out of their way to not take my temp. I thought surely they don't think I can spread teh AIDS by using the temp machine. I thought I was just being paranoid, and maybe I was. I have an appt coming up with him and will see if they refuse to do it again. If they don't do it when they had always done it before, then I'll have to say something.
I understand how that feels. The last time I was at the hospital, this one nurse, I knew that he knew I was poz because he was sooo nervous to be around me! I saw the fear in his eyes. When it was time to eat, he'd put on latex gloves right before he gave me my food. I was there for an overdose, not for some contagious illness. It was uncalled for, and very hurtful. I thought I was being paranoid too, but something's are just too obvious to mistake.
-
Rejection is not something I take very well. My policy in life has always been to avoid putting myself out there as to prevent it from happening as mush as possible. I tend to make an excuse to pull away and then bury myself in work to keep my mind off of things. The risk I run is never really putting my guards down enough for anyone to become close with me.
I know this is the next hurdle in my HIV acceptance that I will need to tackle. I say, and ofcourse its easier to say than do, that it's those things in life you have no control over that should bother you the least. I hope one day I'm confident enough in myself and my life that I can live everyday with enough pride that when rejection rears its ugly head, I can brush it off and see the many other things in life that I have to be grateful for!
-
I think the worst rejection because of HIV was from a friend years ago.
Ford, the first thing that sprang to my mind when reading about your friend's reaction was that he might well have been harbouring fears that he himself was hiv positive and your disclosure brought those fears to the surface. We all know people who never test for fear of a positive result.
And maybe he wanted to go out to dinner with your to let you know that your disclosure gave him the courage to finally go get tested - and he too is poz.
Anyway, that was my gut reaction.
-
And maybe he wanted to go out to dinner with your to let you know that your disclosure gave him the courage to finally go get tested - and he too is poz.
Anyway, that was my gut reaction.
The same thought crossed my mind.
-
Wow, first I want to say that I feel for everyone that has experienced rejection from friends and/or family. I haven't really experienced rejection - more denial. Some of the people that I have told (i.e. mom/dad, in particular) choose not to really acknowledge my status - it is a subject that isn't discussed and if I bring it up, they quickly glaze over it and change the subject. Just their way of dealing with it.
I also agree that there are many negative people who may project rejection but many times this is may be due to their desire not to deal with their own risk factors or the confusing emotions that may come about from knowing someone has HIV that they may be close to. I also agree that there are some positive people who probably experience rejection from some because they dwell too much on the whole being HIV positive thing - not everyone wants to hear about it 24/7.
Finally, to add just a slight bit of humor - which I hope no one takes offense to -
The most recent rejection I have experienced is when I was masturbating and my hand fell asleep. That was the ultimate rejection to me.
-
As I said earlier my friends have been very supportive. However after I told two of my dearest friends who are partners it seemed that we didn't communicate or do anything together for awhile. I feared they were rejecting me, so I just sent an email and asked what was up. I told them right around Christmas and we all had been so busy that we just hadn't been able to get together. Which was true. And maybe they needed time to think and adjust, no matter things were quickly back to normal.
it is a subject that isn't discussed
for me I prefer it that way. If HIV is pertinent to the conversation we all discuss it, but I really try to be the one to avoid injecting it into the conversation, just don't want people to think that I have to talk about being positive.
-
Ford, the first thing that sprang to my mind when reading about your friend's reaction was that he might well have been harbouring fears that he himself was hiv positive and your disclosure brought those fears to the surface. We all know people who never test for fear of a positive result.
And maybe he wanted to go out to dinner with your to let you know that your disclosure gave him the courage to finally go get tested - and he too is poz.
Anyway, that was my gut reaction.
Given what he had told me about his dating history I doubt it, but you never know. As I said I tried to contact him several times before his partner basically told me to stop trying. The email he sent a year later was very brief and breezy, like nothing had happened. I considered having dinner with them just to hear what he would say but because they had moved out of the area I didn't see the point in putting any more energy into that "friendship".