Guy I'm seeing is HIV- and panics after hand jobs

[Koopahtroopah]

Hey everyone,

I found out in October that I'm HIV+, have been on Truvada and Tivicay for about 5 weeks now and will check my viral load next week.  I've been seeing a guy who has been through all of this with me and is really amazing.  BUT, he is very worried about contracting it from me and honestly, it makes me feel really shitty...like I'm the reason I give him anxiety and worry.  We haven't had anal sex since I've found out and have only given each other hand jobs.  I've been telling him that there's no evidence that you can get HIV from hand jobs but every time he gets a cold or feels shitty in the morning, he panics.  I feel like I want to tell him that it's safer to have sex with someone who knows they are HIV+ and on meds than someone who doesn't know or got tested 5 or 6 months ago.  But I also don't want to tell him not to worry because I think that might come off wrong.  Anyone with a similar experience?  Maybe I should just end it. 

KoopahTroopah
10/16/2013 - Oral Rapid Test rective
11/4/2013 - CD4 523 30%; VL 104,000
12/7/2013 - Start Truvada and Tivicay

[mecch]

I've been telling him that there's no evidence that you can get HIV from hand jobs but every time he gets a cold or feels shitty in the morning, he panics. 

He needs to get over this.

YES tell him:  I feel like I want to tell him that it's safer to have sex with someone who knows they are HIV+ and on meds than someone who doesn't know or got tested 5 or 6 months ago.

He might sing a different tune when you are undetectable.

That said, we all know the rules for avoiding hiv transmission and if he can't feel comfortable, knowing the facts, its HIS job to get over it.  And I don't think you need to wait until you are undetectable for him to learn the facts and either emotionally deal, or not.

He gets over it, or you move on. But, it is just a few months since your diagnosis so it does take time.

You realise we older folks had over a decade of sex lives before there was ever a hope for treatment... We didnt all stop to screw.  But yeah, some people can never really deal with serodiscordant sex.

Condoms.

[aaware72]

In my opinion he needs to educated himself on HIV/AIDS. 

[Jmarksto]

Koopah;  I think Aware is right - he would benefit from some education.  I had the benefit of my partner getting information from our local ASO -- which has been great.  Are you in an area that has an organization that does safe sex education/outreach?

Hearing it from a someone else, and a professional at that, may help quite a bit.

Best,
JM

[Ann]

Koopah;  I think Aware is right - he would benefit from some education.  I had the benefit of my partner getting information from our local ASO -- which has been great.  Are you in an area that has an organization that does safe sex education/outreach?

Hearing it from a someone else, and a professional at that, may help quite a bit.

Best,
JM

Be careful about this - make sure that "professional" has a sex-positive attitude and doesn't engage in scaremongering. In other words, make sure you take him to a professional who really does know the truth about transmission risks.

There are far too many doctors and other health care workers who are stuck back in 1985 where hiv risk factors are concerned. We see evidence of it all the time over in the Am I Infected? forum, with people being told by their doctors that handjobs and other risk-free activities are risky.

[auspoz]

I'm with Ann (no surprise!)

I've met soooo many doctors who have no fucking idea of HIV. 4 examples:

1) went to get antibiotics for a throat infection. She said "How is it you're not on HIV meds???"  (My CD4 was about 750 and VL 1000)

2) went to the ER as i had a boil on my leg (yuk, painful). Intern said HIV patients had to be admitted for IV antibiotics for 3 days. Ugh.

3) had kidney stones (yeah I should drink more water) had a sleep at the hospital for a short moment after having morphine and sweated on the pillow. Nurse said "Ah, that'd be your meds". Me "I'm not on meds. I actually think it's my sleep apnoea".

4) most precious. The Dr I went to during my mysterious "flu", who'd told me to go home and drink water and sleep. Years later went back with a throat infection. When I said "you missed my HIV" he said: "oh. How long have you had AIDS?"  I told him to fuck off and give me a script. (I have never had AIDS- he didn't care that there was a difference!)

[Jmarksto]

Be careful about this - make sure that "professional" has a sex-positive attitude and doesn't engage in scaremongering. In other words, make sure you take him to a professional who really does know the truth about transmission risks.

There are far too many doctors and other health care workers who are stuck back in 1985 where hiv risk factors are concerned. We see evidence of it all the time over in the Am I Infected? forum, with people being told by their doctors that handjobs and other risk-free activities are risky.

My recommendation was to seek out an ASO that does safe sex outreach/education -- not to just go to any "professional".

JM

[Ann]

My recommendation was to seek out an ASO that does safe sex outreach/education -- not to just go to any "professional".

JM

Even "professionals" at ASOs are sometimes very sex-negative when it comes to hiv positive people having a sex life, particularly when discussing having a sex life with an hiv negative person. They might talk-the-talk when speaking in general terms, but if you get one-on-one with them, some of them will start trotting out crap that is basically CYA-based, rather than fact-based. I've had first-hand experience of this when I was in a serodiscordant relationship.

[Jmarksto]

Even "professionals" at ASOs are sometimes very sex-negative when it comes to hiv positive people having a sex life, particularly when discussing having a sex life with an hiv negative person. They might talk-the-talk when speaking in general terms, but if you get one-on-one with them, some of them will start trotting out crap that is basically CYA-based, rather than fact-based. I've had first-hand experience of this when I was in a serodiscordant relationship.

I have only had experience with one ASO - and I have to say that they probably saved my relationship.  I can't speak for all ASO's (positively or negatively), but my experience was good.  Like anything else in life...Caveat Emptor.

JM

[Ann]

Like anything else in life...Caveat Emptor.

Exactly what I meant.

[Miss Philicia]

I guess I'm the odd man out here -- we're talking about hand jobs, not penetrative sex. I'll assume the partner in question is similar in age (26) to the OP, which means they have been sexually active (most likely, which I admit is an assumption on my part) for probably just shot of a decade.

If he's communicating anxiety and worry to this degree then (also an assumption) he's probably in the midst of a panic attack with every hand job.  Does he actually finish the hand job fully to orgasm or does he panic mid-way -- as in can he even allow globs of your horribly AIDS semen touch his body? I mean, hasn't the thought crossed his minds with the dozens of other guys he's had sex with by the age of 26 that at least a quarter of them had HIV whether or not he knew it?

So, IMO, and because it's hand jobs we're discussing I don't think any amount of "counseling" will get him past this in any fashion -- he might say so after a couple of sessions but it won't really. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'd say there's a 95% chance that I'm right. And you just met him going from your recent posts, it's not like you've been partners for five years. Am I completely crazy to think it's not worth your time bothering with any of this?

[Joe K]

I guess I'm the odd man out here -- we're talking about hand jobs, not penetrative sex. I'll assume the partner in question is similar in age (26) to the OP, which means they have been sexually active (most likely, which I admit is an assumption on my part) for probably just shot of a decade.

If he's communicating anxiety and worry to this degree then (also an assumption) he's probably in the midst of a panic attack with every hand job.  Does he actually finish the hand job fully to orgasm or does he panic mid-way -- as in can he even allow globs of your horribly AIDS semen touch his body? I mean, hasn't the thought crossed his minds with the dozens of other guys he's had sex with by the age of 26 that at least a quarter of them had HIV whether or not he knew it?

So, IMO, and because it's hand jobs we're discussing I don't think any amount of "counseling" will get him past this in any fashion -- he might say so after a couple of sessions but it won't really. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'd say there's a 95% chance that I'm right. And you just met him going from your recent posts, it's not like you've been partners for five years. Am I completely crazy to think it's not worth your time bothering with any of this?

^^^ This.

KoopahTroopah,

A relationship is meant to fuel your soul and spirit.  If he is so afraid of HIV, that means he will always be afraid of a part of you.  Each of us is responsible for how we react to others and obsessing over HIV infection should not be part of any relationship.  I would hope that you have more respect for yourself, than having to accept the interest of someone, who deep down, will always be afraid of you.

Joe

[bmancanfly]

I think it's a little early to be throwing the BF out the window just yet.

You haven't even been positive for 90 days yet.  There's going to be an adjustment period for both of you.

If he is afraid of a hand job,  he needs some serious education.  If after that education he still treats you like you are toxic then it's his problem not yours.

To what extent have you sat down and discussed this with him?   Explained the real risk to him (non-existent)?  Told him how you feel about this?