“Hanging on in quiet desperation”

[maddalfred]

I should be happy. There must be something terribly wrong with me. Even when I get news that to anyone else, any sane person would be good, it does not brighten my day. My mind takes over and I withdraw into myself; confused, alone, putting on the “face” for the outside world, while a terrible battle wages inside my head.

The negative part almost always overpowers common sense and reason, it finds a million faults and convinces me I don’t have a right to feel anything but bad about myself, driving me to silent tears.  It convinces me I am not worth the time anyone should take to notice me, spend time with me, comfort or love me. It convinces me I am my own worst enemy, sabotages any hope of developing new friendships as it points out my many failed relationships, many opportunities that I walked away from, driving good people away lest they get too close and find out about the “real” me, whoever that is.

I know I should feel better, should take some enjoyment in small accomplishments, but experience has taught me that the other shoe will eventually drop and I will feel even more worthless than before.

Just a few crazy thoughts as I sit waiting for this new low, this new feeling of impending doom to go away.
 

[Miss Philicia]

maddalfred -- are you getting any one-one-one counseling in your area.  Sounds to me that all of this is spiraling out of control, and hopefully you can catch it before it gets any worse.  I've totally been in this undesirable position years ago and have only emerged in the past few years.

I would assume that here are support groups and one-on-one services for this in Austin if you contact you local ASO.  Best of luck.

This book might also interest you though it's not HIV-centric, but many therapists recommend it as it has some good worksheets.  I'd also recommend keeping a diary of thoughts to take into a therapist appointment.

http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Handbook-David-Burns/dp/0452281326/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1229128018&sr=8-1

Book title sucks though :0

[BT65]

Check your pm's.

[AndyArrow]

I'm sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time right now.  I know I have felt the darkness all around me too.  So many of us here understand what you are dealing with.

Lots of therapy ... some good drugs & support have helped me get back to being me recently. 

I have not read Feeling Good, but my therapist did just give me a copy to read, so I can vouch Philly.    

Keeping a journal  is a very good idea it will help you notice things that trigger those dark thoughts.

Good Luck!!!
AA

[Peter6836]

Hi Maddalfred,
I can totally understand where you are coming from. I just went through a bad spell myself this summer. I did not think I would ever get out of that deep dark hole.
There is a way out. You need to do some work but you can make it. I had to go to the hospital to start working my way out. I see a psychiatrist reguallarly, and a therapist. Many people do not seem to understand what it is like to have clinical depression. It is also a difficult thing for us to admit to ourselves. Taking drugs is not a negative thing. I have found that it takes time to get the right combination in order to regulate yourself so that you can continue on your path. The talk therapy is something that you really need. Find a good therapist that you can work with. Then you have to keep on working. It never stops you have to keep working on it all the time.
The feeling good book is a good book but it can seem a bit daunting at first. It is a big book and can seem overwhelming. But it does have some excellent worksheets. Although it is important to do first establish is this situational depression or clinical (a chemical imbalance), that will help to establish what kind of medication to start with.
I worked my way out of depression more than once. It can be done and it feels good when you get there. But being in that dark place is someplace that really hurts and feels hopeless.
After all that I am here to tell you, you can do it!!! Take the first step and ask for help.
If you need to talk, I would be more than willing to talk to you.
Peter

[maddalfred]

Once again have been advised to increase the anti depressant dosage another 20mg per day. Total at 60mg per day now. I sure hope that does the trick, I had another one of my blubbering crying spells yesterday. Good thing I live alone. Spose to get an MRI on my head tomorrow after work, maybe that will tell me something new. I have determined to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist like all the docs have been telling me to do for a while now, even if it means taking part of a work day off, since my Fridays stay fairly full from seeing everyone else.

Not sure if MRI can determine if I am just plain crazy or not, but getting lost two exits from my primary care docs office the other day sure seems crazy to me.

[BT65]

Not sure if MRI can determine if I am just plain crazy or not, but getting lost two exits from my primary care docs office the other day sure seems crazy to me.

I'm not mocking you, but that part about an MRI determining if you're crazy made me chuckle.  I wish I could get one to see if that's my problem. 

Really Rex, I have crying spells every now and then.  I do agree that it's concerning that you got lost on your way to an office you've been to many times, but of course, this could also be extreme anxiety.  I find that when I'm under a lot of pressure, I can't remember things I commonly could. 

That's a great idea about seeing a psychiatrist.  Good luck with the MRI and please let us know how these things turn out.

[maddalfred]

I guess I just don't "get it". They tell me a lot of my mental problems are due to stress and anxiety and to avoid it as much as I can. But here I sit once more, $2,500.00 insurance deductible staring me in the face, no way to come up with it on my own and down to my last pill. Although I am extremely grateful that ASA was there for me last month, it doesn't do my pride or self image any favors having to go begging again.

Never in my life before this has money been such an issue, hubby and I always managed to save and take care of ourselves and enjoyed our lives as much as we could. We worked and he took care of the finances. I don't think I am a spend thrift, but just when I think I might get enough ahead to be able to put back for these kinds of things, they roll around again. I feel like I am one paycheck away from the street. My HR at work tells me I can't use the separate rx plan I bought and have it count, its either my plan or theirs and they want me to buy three month supplies online at one time.

Just for good measure, my company just initiated a one day per month PTO (paid time off) policy and apparently I have come down with the flu from all the assholes who used all theirs up last year and who now to come to work sick;  hacking, coughing and sneezing out into space all over the office. Thank you, whoever you are.

I guess I should change my nick to Negative Nellly, my future looks so dismal I have no need of shades.

Never mind me, just venting.

[BT65]

Rex, I think money is probably the #1 stressor in the country right now, with people losing their homes etc.  You shouldn't feel bad asking for help.  That's what some places are there for.  You need your meds, plain and simple.

I hope you feel better.