POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Positive Women => Topic started by: Coffeechick88 on April 22, 2008, 12:18:38 pm
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I haven't been here for so long. I am 33 weeks pregnant, frantically trying to get ready for the arrival of my son, and the I happen to open my email and see a letter from the guy who infected me from HIV. I am sure I probably still have unresolved issues from him and probably amplified by pregnancy hormones, but now I can't stop my mind from going back to that time. He has periodically emailed me, which the last time about a year and a half ago, I finally found the courage to erase without reading and then another one comes. It is basically to ask my forgiveness and to thank me for telling him about his HIV status because he was able to get on treatment. He had stated that he was messed up in that time and depending on how I read between the lines he might have known about his infection, but was in some serious denial. Maybe it was fear, I don't know, since he is from Africa in a high prevalence of HIV place and has seen the effect of AIDS at its worst. I know I probably should by now be able to forget this, but I just can't.
It isn't just the rape or the abusive, controlling ways, but back then when I told him he had HIV, he hit me and then told everyone that I had given him HIV, even though he knew I had been a virgin. And even more evidence of the power he had had over me at the time, when he asked me to not say anything because he was afraid of being deported, I actually was concerned about that and obeyed him. That is part of the shame I had because I had always been told I was a very smart person and to be someone who fell into that. And maybe I haven't totally been able to feel the anger. During the 8 years, I haven't really been able to let myself get in a committed relationship and always run when it starts to get really serious and I still have issues of trust. I just cannot believe that 8 years later, a simple email can still have the power to make me crazy!!! I had thought that I was more emotionally healthy by now. I have even had bouts of panic about the fact that I am going to be a mother and wondering if right now I should just sign over my rights to the father since I might screw up that baby.
I am thinking I might have to find another therapist. I haven't told the father of my baby since I don't want him to sue me for custody and we have a pretty good arrangement hashed out. Ugh, what a time to get all of this!!!
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You could start by changing your email address. Him having the ability to email you is a power he does not deserve.
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Wow, coffee. That's a lot to handle for you during this time.
I agree with Wendy, change you e-mail address. Get ahold of your ISP and tell them you would like to change it. Don't let him have access to you.
I agree with you about seeing a therapist. You obviously have some unresolved issues surrounding the infection and him still contacting you. I wouldn't go jumping to the conclusion that you need to sign over your son. You're preparing for his arrival, so don't let an obvious mind-game get to you.
I have had no luck with relationships either and have been told 'you're more intelligent than that. You're a pretty girl' etc. It's all trial and error.
Please take care of yourself, mentally as well as physically. And stay in touch with us. We're here for ya, baby.
Luv,
Betty
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it's very rare for me to say that, but I would tell him that if he ever tried to contact me again, I'd go right to the police to complain about the harassment AND the rape AND the HIV. It is especially helpful if he hasn't got his immigration status sorted yet.
Don't worry I'm sure youll be a wonderful mum. The fact that youre concerned is normal and confirms that... you'll do great. The fact that you're freaking out over this is also comletely normal. He's the crazy one. Don't sweat it... you're a pregant woman and this man has put you thru hell in the past, I don't know how it is in the US, I'd go to the police anyway and have them warn him already not to contact you, if they can do that. I don't know how formal things are, but if you can I'd do that, let him feel some concern... who the F does he think he is to even try to contact you?!
Good luck with the pregnancy and everything
(not in a tolerant mood today)
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Coffeechick-
I think I know how you feel. I have to see the guy that infected me every other weekend ,as he is my oldest sons father. He too, was extremely abusive, so much so that I have blocked out a long period of my life. Everytime a weekend comes up that I have to go and drop my son off with him, I absolutely dread it. Mentally, I know that he can't hurt me anymore but it scares me to death, that he is responsible for my son 4 days out of the month.
Changing your e-mail address is definately a good idea.
When dealing with someone from your past that you know has no boundaries or the normal controls, it is very easy to become lost or feel out of control. You never know what will set them off or what they are capable of doing.
As far as having your child, I think you find that being a mother will make you are stronger person, physically and mentally. I always fought back trying to protect myself but seeing he was 6'4 and had 80 lbs on me, I could only do so much. After my son was born, I saw things through my sons eyes and figured out the safest and best way for my son to get out of the situation.
Seeing a therapist will definately help too. You need to get everything out of your system. I think you will be fine if you can find someone to talk to, that will make you stronger so if this situation ever comes up again you will know what to do.
I wish you the best! Try really hard to forget this knucklehead right now and concentrate on taking care of you and the baby.
Good Luck,
Snow
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Coffee---
The ladies who responded thus far pretty much have it covered and there is not more that I could add. Other than take care of yourself and your baby boy. No need to let that fool make you feel like you can't raise your child. My fave quote from the movie The Crow----"Mother is God in the eyes of a child". In other words, there ain't nothing like the love of a Mother. I'm sure the father which is NOT the dude who has you feeling this way is capable of being a Father(or so I hope) but Mama's love is the BOMB!!!! (Trying to make you smile). Keep your head up, Ma. ;D
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Hi Coffee
Can't really add more to what has already been said, I agree with the ladies about changing your e-mail address.
While I understand Dragonette's anger towards this man I don't think it's a good idea to respond to his e-mail with threats, this would only add fuel to the already smouldering fire..but I do think you need to talk to someone, and keep talking until someone "gets it" and understands.
You and your son are whats important right now.
Hugs
Jan :-*
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hie Coffee - i think he should know that u dont like to hear from him. advise him not to call u or email you or u'd have to get the police and courts involved. you and your son's well-being are whats important and if communication from him bothers u so much then it should stop
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I personally wouldn't tell him anything. I wouldn't email him. call him, write to him or talk to him in any way.
Everytime you talk to him its an unspoken invitation for him to talk back to you. If you ignore him he should eventually get tired of trying. And if he has no means to get ahold of you that's less stress for you.
I say cut the cord. He doesn't need to be sucking the life out of you anymore.
If he is calling don't answer, let the machine get it and record his messages along with the time and date for use to proof if you need to go to the police. If he emails you don't respond just print a copy and file it for proof also.
Same goes with any other way he trys to get ahold of you. Keep notes and make a file.
If he proves to be dangerous or if he is harassing you, you will need a record of everything to prove your side.