Author Topic: Resurrection (Read 14226 times)

Bucko · « **on:** February 21, 2007, 04:42:17 pm »

Back in the summer of 2005 I was in need of guidance and information. I’d been back in the dating scene after a near-ten-year relationship and much had changed. I had just met a pretty dreamy (poz) Mexican who wanted to have unprotected sex, and the paradigm shift threw my world into a chaos of fear and desire and guilt. I went online to educate myself as to the real-world risks and the new (to me) conventional wisdom regarding “reinfection”. That was when I found AIDSmeds.

At first I just lurked, combing through the threads and blogs, gleaning info and in the process coming to know the personalities behind the posts. After a few days of (pretty obsessive) reading, I wanted to join the conversation and signed up.

Within a month, Matty (Xdenizen in those days, before he was Damned) and I were thick as thieves, cackling over our keyboards, omnipresent IM companions posting continuously. He introduced me to Red Ronnie and we launched our smutty blog, The Spin Cycle, “an experiment in absinth and anarchy”. Times were good.

I developed a reputation for endlessly verbose autobiographical posts leavened by humorous, pungent, sarcastic arcane references (Matty fell in love when I referred to Barbara LaMarr’s quote that “Lovers, like roses, should be by the dozen”).

In September of 2005, I met and fell madly for a Honduran (whom Matty once described as “short, bald, moody, petulant and swarthy”)I believed would make an ideal consort and posted all my anxieties and insecurities here at AM. Was I ready for love? Could I open my heart one more time? Etc…etc.

Six months later when it all came tumbling down around my ears, I turned to two places: AM and Manhunt.net, each providing their proper succor. Mingling the two, I began publishing accounts of my exploits online and in bed in The Spin Cycle, with links and warnings posted in the Living With forum. I had received advance permission from the moderators before posting anything here, because with a title like “Deep Inside Mancunt, or Titpig’s Adventures in Barebacking”, I was sure to raise some eyebrows.

It turns out that I raised a lot more than eyebrows, and the posted responses were overwhelmingly supportive. But the blog was plagued by a troll who threatened me and at least one of my dearest friends. Whoever that troll was, it is certain that s/he was either a member of AM or had read through my 2000-plus posts very carefully. The effect was chilling, but did not stop me from continuing to publish my story.

By mid-Summer 2006 several events happened simultaneously and caused a perfect storm of emotional troubles, leading ultimately to a deep despair. The rage I felt over the betrayal my six-month Honduran bf had foisted (meth-fueled tricking of which I knew nothing), ebbed into an emotional hangover. My health was unstable, due in part to the copious unprotected sex I was enjoying. I fell hard for yet another impossible man from amongst my online hook-ups, who disappeared without a trace in late July. My finances were a mess and the realization that, even after both my ticket and lodgings for the Montreal AM gathering had been sponsored I was unable to attend because I couldn’t afford to take the time away from work dismayed me deeply. My job was stressing me, but looking for another was beyond my capacity.

Any one thing would have been OK, but I was coping with this maelstrom (and more, better left undisclosed) and fell into a deep pit of isolation and depression. Nothing seemed to make a difference, except to drive me further down. I even stopped communicating with Matty during the bleakest part of Autumn and early Winter. I really did want to die.

So what turned me around? Perhaps it was a shift in hormones that finally led to my re-connecting first with Matty, then pounding out 24,000 words and publishing them on The Spin Cycle, titled “Collar and Leash, Dawg’s Tale” in which I traced the path to impossible love with a drug-addicted and otherwise deeply troubled man I’d introduced in the first Mancunt installment. The writing was therapeutic and gave me something to grasp onto. My head cleared somewhat and I took a few terrified steps back into life and community.

I have been celibate since August, being troubled by an eruption of cebacious cysts under my left nipple, which is painful always and occasionally ugly, as when it leaks vile fluid. But I’ve had this recur for almost twenty years now, and know that, eventually, they pass. But in the meantime, it is vastly demoralizing.

So, by brief introduction to the newbies:

You can call me Bucko or Brent as you see fit.

I just had a birthday (thanks, Alan, I read your greeting), so I’m now 47.

I am 5’6” and weigh about 155 lbs.

My eyes are grey with yellow flecks, which can make them look either blue or green depending on what I’m wearing.

I’m a New England Swamp Yankee who has lived in Boston, New York and Paris but currently reside in Ft Lauderdale, FL, or SoFla as I prefer to call it.

I was infected either in the late seventies or early eighties. Due to my behavior, I date the cut-off of possible infection as no later than late Winter 1984. I fell ill and was diagnosed in 1996, beginning meds right away.

I have had a variety of OIs and have flatlined twice, but keep coming back.

Brent
(Who has missed everyone very much)

Lisa · « **Reply #1 on:** February 21, 2007, 04:53:46 pm »

I am so pleased to see you back Brent. I have thought of you often, and missed your adventurous missives, but most of all have missed your wicked sense of humour.
Better times ahead my friend. I raise a glass to you.

Nadine · « **Reply #2 on:** February 21, 2007, 05:00:02 pm »

Brent,

As I have expressed I think twice already today in various threads, I am so happy that you're back. I have often wondered what you've been up to...now I know. I'm glad you've pulled yourself out of that dark place.

Love ya!
Nadine

manchesteruk · « **Reply #3 on:** February 21, 2007, 05:03:03 pm »

It's good to see you back Brent it's been too long. I had a catch up on your blog earlier the link in your signature reminded me to take a look it was completely absorbing as always!

thunter34 · « **Reply #4 on:** February 21, 2007, 05:06:33 pm »

Pleasure to meet you here, Brent. I think I shall prefer to call you Bucko.

Especially if I can add "the Depraved" after it.

Tim

Moffie65 · « **Reply #5 on:** February 21, 2007, 05:09:02 pm »

Brent,

Welcome back, and please know that you are also loved and have been missed. When I have the time, I will digest the "Smut Cycle", as I have also missed your contributions there also.

Peace my love.

Elizabeth · « **Reply #6 on:** February 21, 2007, 05:17:14 pm »

......and Elizabeth tries to post for the 3rd time......When, when, WHEN will she ever become computer literate?

?

Good to see you Brent. I look forward to reading more of yours and Matty's late night witticisms. 2006 seemed to be a challenging year for quite a few people. I'm glad to see that 2007 got here and you showed up with it.

.....Fashionably late, of course.

Longislander · « **Reply #7 on:** February 21, 2007, 05:31:03 pm »

welcome back, Bucko

Bucko · « **Reply #8 on:** February 21, 2007, 05:35:57 pm »

My dearest friends-

Lisa: You were, I believe, one of the first to welcome me to the "old" forum. You are one of the pillars around here and have always taken solace in your wisdom.

Nadine: You caught me lurking and welcomed me before anyone else. Bisous.

ManchesterUK: Writing is perhaps my only real creative outlet at the moment, and your feedback is most appreciated. Thanks for the cyberhug.

Thunter34: Shall I call you Thuntie? Thuntles? Thirtyfoura? I'm suddenly swimming in possibilities. I delight in the tag "Depraved" as it's such a good fit.

Moffie: The gentleman you always are, and the inner-slut I know you cherish, are equal in my estimation. Your post honors me.

Elizabeth: Can't keep a good dinosaur down. 2007 can only be an improvement. Thanks for coming back, my friend. Let's meet in the Fears forum (oops, Am I Infected forum) and whip some ass!

Longislander:

Love,
Brent
(Who feels home again)

David_CA · « **Reply #9 on:** February 21, 2007, 05:47:58 pm »

I've already said it once today, but welcome back. I've missed your postings and your other 'writing' as well.

David

heartforyou · « **Reply #10 on:** February 21, 2007, 05:59:02 pm »

mon chouchou,

merçi pour ton PM.

I have missed you around here.
So good to see you back mon bébé....

Hermie

Cliff · « **Reply #11 on:** February 21, 2007, 06:06:27 pm »

Welcome back mister. I look forward to reading your messages again.

jkinatl2 · « **Reply #12 on:** February 21, 2007, 06:13:32 pm »

Brent, your writing is stunning. I have missed it, and you.

Dachshund · « **Reply #13 on:** February 21, 2007, 06:17:01 pm »

You were gone?

Aunty D

RAB · « **Reply #14 on:** February 21, 2007, 07:11:21 pm »

Bucko

Good to hear you are feeling better and have rejoined the world of . . . .AM.

Your writing is as witty and sharp as ever. One can only imagine what you have stored up for our pleasure.

RAB

Teresa · « **Reply #15 on:** February 21, 2007, 07:28:05 pm »

Welcome back!

I'm Teresa and its nice to meet you! I look forward to reading more about you and your wicked sense of humor.

Hugs
Teresa

aupointillimite · « **Reply #16 on:** February 21, 2007, 09:15:52 pm »

Alors, je ne connais pas tres bien.

But I, so far as I can tell from our interactions over the past 24 hours, am enormously glad you're back here!

Sebaceous cysts, huh? I had one. In my ear canal... when I was a kid.

I remember that vile fluid all too well... and I remember the distinct unpleasantness that was having what resembled an alien egg sac on my person. I can sympathize... I really do hope that clears up quickly.

whizzer · « **Reply #17 on:** February 21, 2007, 09:27:52 pm »

Welcome back,

Damn I missed having you here. Your writing style and wit are delightful. It is good to read your words again (I should say, your words here.....I have been known to sneak over to The Spin Cycle every now and then).

Heck, you and MtD both pop back in in the same week; things are looking up around here.

Elizabeth · « **Reply #18 on:** February 21, 2007, 10:01:19 pm »

Quote from: Bucko on February 21, 2007, 05:35:57 pm

Let's meet in the Fears forum (oops, Am I Infected forum) and whip some ass!

Sorry, have to pass. Don't do the Fears thing anymore. Better to leave it to those with the better tranquilizers

skeebo1969 · « **Reply #19 on:** February 21, 2007, 10:33:47 pm »

Brent,

So good to have you back.. I still remember how you calmed me on those chaotic nights of loneliness and despair I was having in the beginning. What can I say... I think you said it best last night calling me one of your fledgelings, because I was definitely having trouble flying with the weight of my fears. As I have told others here before, you and Matty helped get me through a very rough time in my life. You over the phone and Matty by way of IM... Just want you to know I think the world of you buddy and I am so glad you have returned. Today is a good day.

Thomas

dtwpuck · « **Reply #20 on:** February 21, 2007, 10:34:07 pm »

Nice to meet you Brent.

RapidRod · « **Reply #21 on:** February 21, 2007, 10:44:32 pm »

Hey Bucko, I'm glad to see you back along with Matty the Christian.

Boo Radley · « **Reply #22 on:** February 21, 2007, 10:59:31 pm »

Buckles, sweetie-darling!

I am verklempt and speechless with joy at seeing your triumphant return to AM. I knew you could do it, you wonderful man!!

I think Elizabeth's on to something about 2006. It was universally crappy for most of my friends and was no banner year for me. Let us make 2007 a better year!

God bless us, every one!

Boo, AKA Auntie R.,
and sometimes Tiny Tim (Cratchit, not the singer)

Robert · « **Reply #23 on:** February 21, 2007, 11:50:51 pm »

welcome back Bucko. I have to thank Jan for all this. She visits Matty down under and before we know it, you're back, and Jonathan and Moffie have started to post again. All is well.

robert

(well, if all is not well, at least it's better)

Bucko · « **Reply #24 on:** February 22, 2007, 01:50:57 am »

David: Your feedback was always warmly received around here.

Hermie: je t'ai deja l'ecrit toute l'histoire. Bisous...

Cliff: We'll spar and trade, but it'll all be in good fun.

Jonathan: My admiration for your writing and your blog was a key impetus to signing up in the first place, because I wanted to communicate directly with you and get to know you better. Let's both stick around for a bit, huh?

Hal: I went out for some smokes and it took a while to come back, that's all. But you've followed every post, and I love you dearly for it.

Rocky: Read away...it's waiting for you.

Teresa: Charmed. But let's discuss that avatar, sweetheart

Benj: Your apprenticeship into the dark side begins now, doll. Better bring a towel.

Whizzie: Thanks for the reply. We all have some catching up to do.

(Nolongersad)Tom: I love you, man, in all the right ways. You made it through

DTWPuck: I hope we didn't get off on a bad foot. I tend to be provocative as well as unequivical, but when you know me you'll get it.

Roddles: I'm glad you're well, and thanks for the reach-out.

Auntie R (pronounced in high-Boston: Ahntie Ahh): Darling seeing you posting again brings me the most profound of pleasures. I simply adore you.

Robert: It's old home week, all we need is Zeph to complete the picture.

And, Elizabeth: I pick my threads in that other place with much more discretion than perhaps I did earlier in my career.

To everyone: Auntie R (Boo to the great unwashed) once called me the Gypsy Rose lee of AIDSmeds, to which I replied that I'd prefer being known as the Louise Brooks. When he asked me why, I replied that Gypsy was all about sinless guilt, whereas Louise was all about guiltless sin.

aupointillimite · « **Reply #25 on:** February 22, 2007, 01:55:24 am »

Quote from: Bucko on February 22, 2007, 01:50:57 am

Benj: Your apprenticeship into the dark side begins now, doll. Better bring a towel.

I'll be the best fagawan ever.

And I bring my towel everywhere. It's so I can stay in control of virtually every situation.

Share and enjoy.

Bucko · « **Reply #26 on:** February 22, 2007, 02:36:41 am »

Quote from: aupointillimite on February 22, 2007, 01:55:24 am

I'll be the best fagawan ever.

And I bring my towel everywhere. It's so I can stay in control of virtually every situation.

Share and enjoy.

The towel's for me, darling. You can use your sleeve.

Brent
(Who has much to teach)

aupointillimite · « **Reply #27 on:** February 22, 2007, 02:40:53 am »

Quote from: Bucko on February 22, 2007, 02:36:41 am

The towel's for me, darling. You can use your sleeve.

Too late.

sweetasmeli · « **Reply #28 on:** February 22, 2007, 06:53:49 am »

Quote from: heartforyou on February 21, 2007, 05:59:02 pm

mon chouchou

Hermie, you fiend, you stole my term of endearment!

Coucou Brent, cheri!
Je fais bon accueille à toi encore. C’est vraiment bien superbe à te voir ici encore!
L'endroit n’était pas le même sans toi!

Ok that’s enough of the mal français – I also speak Freek, btw (my own delightful combo of French and Greek!) – now, back to the franglais…

Ab fab writing, my dear. Divine to see you up n at ‘em again.
Can’t keep a good man down! (Don’t you dare smut my post, young man!)

Have enjoyed our morning/evening rendezvous(s) [how does one make that plural??]
Look forward to more…I’m strapped in and ready, hehe!

Keep on keeping on, chouchou!

Filakia
Melia

(who is extremely chipper: Jonathan, Moffie, Matty and Brent...all in the space of one week!)

*Edited to PS: Btw, I'm working my way through those links...

mjmel · « **Reply #29 on:** February 22, 2007, 07:52:23 am »

Hello. Nice read. Lotsa hard stuff to suffer through.
You and Matt the Damn scare me.

Basquo · « **Reply #30 on:** February 22, 2007, 09:13:41 am »

Welcome back! I was wondering where you were. Luckily I'm now online at home so I don't have to worry about getting busted reading The Spin Cycle at work!

Best,
Creighton

aztecan · « **Reply #31 on:** February 22, 2007, 10:30:33 am »

Hey Brent,
I think I welcomed you back in another thread, but if not, WELCOME BACK!

I have missed your missives and, must admit, still have "thoughts" about some of the things you have detailed.

I'm very happy you're here.

HUGGLES,

Mark

Andy Velez · « **Reply #32 on:** February 22, 2007, 10:40:41 am »

It's very good to know you've made it through those really tough times and come back, Brent.

Rock on, Bucko! and welcome back,

Alain · « **Reply #33 on:** February 22, 2007, 11:24:03 am »

Bucko,

Welcome back. It is amazing to see our family members reaction following your return.

I personally join last May and I am looking forward to know and read about you more.

Alors Bienvenu mon ami et au plaisir.

Alain.

Ithaca_Nights · « **Reply #34 on:** February 22, 2007, 01:59:32 pm »

Welcome Back Bucko,
I have read everything on spin cycle that you have ever posted, past and presant. Good to see you back on TOP of things!
Cheers!
Dan

AlanBama · « **Reply #35 on:** February 22, 2007, 03:27:26 pm »

Brent! You've been promising me you were going to make a 'comeback' and I am so glad you did! I've missed you honey.

Love & hugs,

Alan

PS -- SO glad to see you too Elizabeth! it's old home week......

anniebc · « **Reply #36 on:** February 22, 2007, 03:49:40 pm »

for Bucko

This is one lady who was never afraid of the "Dinasaurs" and always kept the faith, knowing that they would one day return to teach us all what we have yet to learn...welcome back Bucko. Matty, Jonathon, and Daddy Tim...let the lessons begin....

With love and hugs
Jan

Ann · « **Reply #37 on:** February 22, 2007, 03:54:48 pm »

Hey Brent,

I'm also glad to see you back here. I coulda sworn I posted (similar) yesterday, but I don't see it anywhere above. I must have hit the wrong button in my excitement. ~sigh~

Or did I post in a different thread? Who knows. The important thing is you're here posting again.

Hugs,
Ann
xxx

bear60 · « **Reply #38 on:** February 22, 2007, 03:56:17 pm »

Bucko
I dont know you, but it will be good getting to know you.
Just call me : Bear

ACinKC · « **Reply #39 on:** February 22, 2007, 04:27:13 pm »

I've ventured over to the spin cycle a few times. LOVED it. Never knew you before really, but if you were the one writing those delicious tales of debauchery then you're my kind of guy!

Sooooo. HI.

maddeuwch · « **Reply #40 on:** February 22, 2007, 05:54:39 pm »

Mmmmmmmm....It's Buckeroo!

Anyone who remembers 'kiss kiss,bang bang' by the specimen is okay in my book

good to see you boyo.

Paul.x

zephyr · « **Reply #41 on:** February 27, 2007, 02:29:52 pm »

Dearest Brent,

Honey, my world is brighter now that I read this thread today by you. As always, my heart is full of relief and love that you have broken through the darkness.

As your life has changed, so has mine. I promise an email to you soon to fill you in.

Kisses,

Zeph

Bucko · « **Reply #42 on:** February 27, 2007, 02:59:22 pm »

Zeph!

This is like the Night of a Thousand Stars!

Thanks to all who have responded to this thread.

Brent
(Who has the warm fuzzies)

david25luvit · « **Reply #43 on:** March 01, 2007, 11:33:40 am »

OMG you're back..........I can't begin to express my joy at seeing your post. I have been so worried about you. I even came down to
Orlando last week and wondered how I might get in touch with you. (Yes I came to see Mickey & Minnie ). Back when I first signed on
in March of 2005 you were so very supportive of me and somehow always managed to say just the right thing. I was a tormented soul back
then...(grieving for David and all the crap that came after his death) but as you told me many times....grieving is a process and it takes time.

There was a time I lived vicariously on your story.....the one you began on THE SPIN CYCLE. Your talent was obvious and your tales of woe
and wonder never ceased to enthrall my vivid imagination...especially your European exploits. Looking back now I realize it was you and a handful
of others here on this site that kept me from going off the deep end AGAIN. There's no way to truly express the gratitude I hold in my heart
for you....for truly you knew exactly the turmoil of emotions I was suffering under and that one day I would find a reason to live again......

And Bucko I have. My life has changed dramatically since we last spoke.... Thanks to a certain drug company I am financially independent and
quite comfortable. I have a boyfriend and we've been together now almost eight months. It's not the kind of relationship I had with David
but then I always knew he was the great love affair of my life. Chuck is a decent sort however....and his personal care and constant companionship
makes it possible for me to smile again...even laugh.

Bucko...welcome back sweetheart. I am so tickled pink I could wet my designer lounge wear (TeeHee) If there's anything (and I mean anything)
I can do for you.....my dear dear friend.... don't you hesitate to ASK. And I mean it!!!!

Mouse · « **Reply #44 on:** March 01, 2007, 12:16:30 pm »

-Had been completely anxious-.

I know my life experience only adds up to about 16 years but I hope you still know that I'd like nothing better than to use those 16 years to help if you ever need it.

-Loves on Bucko-.

Bucko · « **Reply #45 on:** March 01, 2007, 12:50:45 pm »

Quote from: david25luvit on March 01, 2007, 11:33:40 am

OMG you're back..........I can't begin to express my joy at seeing your post. I have been so worried about you. I even came down to
Orlando last week and wondered how I might get in touch with you. (Yes I came to see Mickey & Minnie ). Back when I first signed on
in March of 2005 you were so very supportive of me and somehow always managed to say just the right thing. I was a tormented soul back
then...(grieving for David and all the crap that came after his death) but as you told me many times....grieving is a process and it takes time.

There was a time I lived vicariously on your story.....the one you began on THE SPIN CYCLE. Your talent was obvious and your tales of woe
and wonder never ceased to enthrall my vivid imagination...especially your European exploits. Looking back now I realize it was you and a handful
of others here on this site that kept me from going off the deep end AGAIN. There's no way to truly express the gratitude I hold in my heart
for you....for truly you knew exactly the turmoil of emotions I was suffering under and that one day I would find a reason to live again......

David-
One of life's cruelest lessons regarding HIV came in 1992 when I returned from Paris having just buried the penultimate love of my life. I learned that there was support for the poz but little or nothing for the grieving. AIDS Action Committee had nothing, nothing to offer me in that regard, and got defensive when I complained loudly (as I am occasionally known to do). I had no desire to share my feelings of loss with a group of old women mourning their husbands.

I also found that friends pulled away in uncomfortable silence whenever I brought up Jean Marc. Even my sister strained under the burden of trying to console me when I had no desire to be consoled and the endless dumping grated at her nerves, making her feel powerless. Because that's the key in understanding why one is a pariah in grief: people want to do something, to fix it, and there's nothing anyone can actively do, not really.

All a grieving person really wants is a sympathetic ear that won't change the subject and suggest you "move on". I had no one who would listen to me for more than an hour, and I had months worth of stuff to relieve myself of. So I did it alone.

When I saw your troubled posts, how everything looped back to the one you'd just lost, I saw a chance to help another human being in the way I had craved but never found. As my loss was then over thirteen years in the past (and the wounds all nicely scabbed over, understanding that they never heal), I was able to give you what you needed without being dragged under again myself.

It was an honor to be of assistance to you in that dark hour, my friend.

Love,
Brent
(Who understands)

Bucko · « **Reply #46 on:** March 01, 2007, 12:53:28 pm »

Quote from: Mouse on March 01, 2007, 12:16:30 pm

-Had been completely anxious-.

I know my life experience only adds up to about 16 years but I hope you still know that I'd like nothing better than to use those 16 years to help if you ever need it.

-Loves on Bucko-.

Ultraloves on Jaser, who pulls out all the compassion I can bring to the table.

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Author Topic: Resurrection (Read 14226 times)