POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => I Just Tested Poz => Topic started by: CHUCK610 on November 28, 2009, 09:40:39 am
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Just felt the need to get these thoughts out.
I have been on this site since my diagnoses, I have read alot of good and bad information. Received amazing support, compassion and understanding. The last 6 months have been a rolecoaster of emotions and fears.
Now being on the meds, my numbers are good according to my ID Doc and I feel good though a bit fatigued at times.
I don't know what my future will bring, I don't know if I will get real sick from this disease, I don't know how my days will pan out, I don't know if I will ever feel comfortable having sex with anyone other than my right or left hand. I don't know If I will ever forgive myself, perhaps in time, my wife and therapist say I need too. I don't know if I will ever feel like myself again. I don't know if I will continue therapy (mental).
I do know that I have to be adherent to my meds and what my doctors tell me. I do know I need to ride my harley as often as I can (2600 miles since June 2009). I do know I have the love of my family and friends. I do know I have to take good care of my health and mental state. I do know that I have a good life and am lucky for my accomplishment and what I have. I do know that for what time I may or may not have I have to enjoy and grasp every moment of it and try to make the most of it. And when the time does come I want my body to be laid in a Harley driven hurst and want to be buried with my Harley (For real my wife and family think I'm nuts, but I saw it at a Harley bike week, it was so cool).
I guess I owe my current thinking to the support of my family, friends and this site, who have helped me through the most difficult time. Do I still get down HELL YEAH. Do I still sometimes feel lonely and sad HELL YEAH. Do I still want to have real sex HELL YEAH. Do I still want to be Hiv Neg HELL YEAH. But the reality is these things are apart of my life now and I just have to work through them and move on.
Do I still want to be the person I used to be HELL NO. That person was lost in life, that person was very negative and angry. That person never appreciated life.
Thanks again for all your support and for reading my thoughts
Chuck
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hi there chuck
it has been a week for me. fresh and new on this situation.
i feel the same. and still feeling it each day that i wake up.i just dont know until when.
but i know EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT!!!
just keep the faith.
i remembered way back in college. a friend of mine suddenly told me this out of thin air...
"dont askwhy" as she left our room smiling.
Take great care chuck.
always hopeful
mikee
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Hey Chuck, yes, you do need to forgive yourself. Please continue with the therapist so you can achieve that aim. You might not ever feel like your old self again, but from what you've written, maybe that's a good thing. Embrace the new you and all the good that's unexpectedly come out of a bad situation.
None of us, poz or neg, have any way of knowing what the future will bring. Anyone can suddenly become life-threateningly ill. Anyone can have down days. We all face uncertainty, poz or neg.
And there's no reason why you can't have a sex life. Between the use of condoms and your VL being undetectable, you're just not going to infect anyone. Do your best to get back into the game. It's healthy to have a sex life - it's good for your mind, body and soul. Get shagging, young man, and that's an order. :D
Hang in there. You've come a long way and there's better yet to come. You'll see.
Ann
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Hey Chuck,
Acceptance of this virus and forgiveness of self, in my opinion, go hand in hand and as you are slowly finding out it takes time. Buzzing around on that Harley sounds like some really good anti-depression medicine and the strength and determination to get out of the house and ride around on your sled is a great sign I think...
Hang in there Chuck and keep fighting the good fight. There is so much more life to live.. :)