POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: Mouse on June 28, 2006, 04:56:39 am
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Okay. Well. This might turn out to be really long. But it's basically the boyfriend I never talk about.
Not really long after I was infected I met this guy - Jack. He was 19 at the time. He hit on me mercilessly. He stayed close to me. Every word he said was slow and sounded like he was suggesting something else. He has crazy bright blue eyes. Black hair. Nice eyebrows. I loved the attention. I didn't even hesitate, I flirted with him back. Being as sexy and suggestive as a 14 year old can be and I don't even think I stopped to think that he was obviously quite a bit older than me and maybe wasn't entirely trustworthy. He was just there, so was I. I liked the way he was talking to me.
So, we talked for a while. I wish I could remember what we talked about. I wasn't even doing anything that would even fog my memory. I really just don't remember. But I remember I felt flirty and rather cute, I have to admit. And he asked, "How old are you?" Again, without thinking, without acknowledging that age was even an issue, I told him I was 14. He blinked, furrowed his eyebrows. Kind of looked at me sideways and said he didn't believe me. "You're way mature." He said that. I swear.
He said he was 19, and that he felt like a pedophile for being attracted to me, but he said he thought I was smart and cute. The only conversation thing from that time period that really sticks out in my mind that I could never ever forget is this exchange:
"No, I don't have a boyfriend. Like. There are guys I like, but I could never ask. I'm too shy."
"I know what you mean."
"Like, I'm always afraid to ask, because what if they said no?"
"You can't know if they'd say no unless you ask. But I do the same thing. I don't think I suck, I just think guys wouldn't be interested in me, and then it'd get awkward if they said no. Like they'd make fun of me."
"... I wouldn't say no."
"... you wouldn't?"
"... I wouldn't make fun of you, either."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"So, if I asked, you'd say yes?"
"... yeah."
"Okay... so I'm asking."
"... alright, I say yes."
"Are we boyfriends now?"
"... I think so?"
"... cool. Don't get me arrested."
I told him I was HIV+ right away. He didn't care. He barely even spoke about it. Occasionally when the subject came up though he'd offhandedly mention the fact that he'd been with a lot of guys whom he didn't know their status. He said he'd never tested. I shrugged. It didn't make a difference. I urged him to get tested and he said he would, but I didn't hear about it one way or another.
I was introduced to his roommates and his best friends, who ALL fell in love with me and thought I was the coolest, smartest kid ever and praised Jack for his excellent choice in boyfriends (for once! They'd add.) We usually fell into deep discussions about our pasts. I'd tell him about the guy that infected me, and he'd go on about all the boyfriends he'd had. One night he came to me upset and admitted to abusing one of his ex boyfriends. Hitting him and throwing him against a wall and hurting him on purpose. He said he broke his arm. I told him it was ok - that I trusted him and I trusted that he wouldn't hurt me and he said that I shouldn't, because he couldn't control himself.
He told me he was on medication and was severely bi polar. I never noticed mood swings. At some point in our relationship his ex boyfriend urged him to come off the pills. The shit STORMED from there. He started drinking again - he had been a severe alcoholic before we started going out. He started having a lot of sex with a lot of other boys, all of which he told me about and cried about and beat himself up about. He went through periods of telling me he loved me insanely and could never leave me to telling me to go away because he wasn't good enough for me. The difference in him tore me up because I didn't feel like we were together anymore. He never spoke to me about things anymore. He spent more time talking to his ex, who I was actually friends with.
Slowly, I started hearing less and less from him. Less calls. Less seeing him. Less doing things together. After about a week of hearing NOTHING from him, I stopped one day and realized he'd totally disappeared. He sort of dwindled and dwindled until I stopped paying attention to how much I was seeing him and I didn't notice until like a week after there was no sign of him that he was gone.
By way of his friends, I learned that he had tested HIV+. But not from me. One of his girl friends told me that he had gotten a call from an ex that said he had tested positive and told Jack to. And, for all the times that I urged Jack to get tested while he was with me, and he never did, he did that once. And Jack had had unprotected sex with him a LOT. But we never did anything unprotected. So I sort of keep that as a sort of reassuring proof that it couldn't have been me and it should be the most obvious candidate but. Blech. Sometimes when I feel like guilting up myself I tell myself it's possible.
But. We stopped talking completely. After a while I got a hold of him on his email address and learned he had a new boyfriend and that they had had a scare with him possibly becoming infected. We spoke back and forth a few times. But that was it. I haven't heard from him in months and haven't had a real conversation with him since November. I've tried every way possible to get in touch with him but haven't heard a thing. It's like he never existed.
And you know what? I miss him more than anybody, ever. How fucked up is that?
For the record. I've never spoken about this to anybody. Ever. Feel privledged.
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One night he came to me upset and admitted to abusing one of his ex boyfriends. Hitting him and throwing him against a wall and hurting him on purpose. He said he broke his arm. I told him it was ok - that I trusted him and I trusted that he wouldn't hurt me and he said that I shouldn't, because he couldn't control himself.
Jaser,
There is little possibility that you would understand this, due to your age; but this man was giving you a heads up about himself, and with this information, you had been given the news that he was a hopeless control freak, and an alcoholic. Also, when someone tells you outright, that you shouldn't trust them, then the best thing to do is go running from the room with thankfulness that you didn't get any deeper into the relationship.
From now on, when you come up against someone who tells you that they can become violent, believe them, and leave them to themselves; you don't need anyone like this in your life.
Jaser, you will find Prince Charming, but in the meantime, you gotta kiss a lot of toads.
In Love and Support of my little Mouse.
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I know. But I already loved him crazily by that point and I don't think there was anything else I could have done. I don't know how to let people go. When I attach myself to someone - that's friggin it. They're stuck with me unless they manage to escape somehow - like he did. Once I decide I love someone like that I can never get really angry at them or leave them. The thought of never seeing them again hurts me really badly and I feel the need to protect them from anything bad happening to them. I really am not good with losing people.
I know he was messed up, and probably still is, but he was such ... like, an important thing in my life, and I shared a lot of crap with him, and I felt like we were kind of on the same level with how screwed up we felt. I miss the understanding and I miss how honest he was with me about everything. I also miss the silly things we spoke about.
He was like, obsessed with bunny rabbits. Like Bugs Bunny and the whole bit. He had (has?) as pet rabbit named Chester that he'd let hop around his apartment like a pet cat. He used to call me his kitten - and we used to joke about how silly it was for a kitten and a rabbit to get along so well.
You know? Like. Crap like that that I can't get out of my head and I miss so much.
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Jaser,
You know, there is nothing like that first love. Yes, you miss him a lot, think of him a lot, remember some things fondly.
You always will. That's just the way we seem to be built. I still remember my first love. It is perhaps the purest type of love you will ever know.
That said. Tim was right when he said when this guy admitted his violent behavior to you, he was telling you what to expect. It didn't happen, thank goodness, but if he had stuck around and the relationship deepened, it is very likely the relationship would have become violent.
I would add that when he said he was bi-polar, had been taking medications but had stopped, that also should have sounded warning bells. His raging alcoholism was most likely his way of self-medicating.
While I will be the first to champion the rights of the mentally ill, I also understand those living with some types of mental illness act out in ways that are not just socially unacceptable, but potentially dangerous to themselves or to those with whom they have bonded.
This man will always have a place in your life's history. Let that be where it rests.
HUGS,
Mark
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But we never did anything unprotected. So I sort of keep that as a sort of reassuring proof that it couldn't have been me and it should be the most obvious candidate but. Blech. Sometimes when I feel like guilting up myself I tell myself it's possible.
But. We stopped talking completely. After a while I got a hold of him on his email address and learned he had a new boyfriend and that they had had a scare with him possibly becoming infected. We spoke back and forth a few times. But that was it. I haven't heard from him in months and haven't had a real conversation with him since November. I've tried every way possible to get in touch with him but haven't heard a thing.
so glad to know it couldn't have been you ... he was screwing with lots of people & who knows what exactly went on in those bedrooms (you weren't there to see) ...