Confessions... long time pos and new

[Elephant]

OK,

What was the first month that you knew that you were HIV+ like for you?

     I don't know if I'm warped or just numb but it's sinking in(being infected) and shiit's starting to get to me when I'm not busy doing stuff.  (I said in another post "I feel like a fri'ck'in Vulcan on the edge....  ")

[about me is posted here = http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=26450.0]
My one month mark since I found out is this coming Thursday.

     There are too many things we "shouldn't think about", "shouldn't say" or things that are all new and confusing.
           All these medical terms and medicines... side effects.
           Keeping the secret about being +.
           Being angry with who infected you. (if you even know).
           The question 'Are we going to die and How?'
           Handling bad reactions when and if people find out you're pos?   
(Yes, I'll get a shrink before all this stuff breaks loose from my noodle. My friend who knows about me wants me to cry, I'm not ready for that yet. Right now I want to know...)

     People who have lived with this for years seem to be fine, but when you first found out
"how did you feel?"
"What did you go through in the first month?"

[ yes, I know by asking this I'm showing a crack in my shell, but I'm hoping that hearing about you all will help me get perspective. I really want to know what it was like in the first month for you! ]

[dtwpuck]

My first month pretty much sucked.  I decided to break up with the guy I was dating, I had to deal with being a semi public figure in Seattle at the time, I could only think about how my life was going to end right then and there.   I was really good at feeling sorry for myself.  I went on a week long acid binge.  I fed my sexual addiction.  I wanted to kill myself.   

But....in the second month

I told my mother and sister.
I came out as being hiv positive on stage in front of a crowd of 200 people. 
I started treatment
I got on a study ( I still am part of it )

in the third month

I started dating again
I also cut myself off from the leather community and disappeared for several years.
I don't think this was the right thing to do anymore, but it is what it is.

Eventually I started racing bicycles again...  working out... enjoying life again.   My depression for several years had more to do with trying to change behavior than dealing with hiv.   We all have crosses to bear.  It's just that some of us paint the cross pink and cover it with glitter before we let it go.

So you will hear lots of 'should's' 'don'ts'  etc etc etc. 

  There just isn't a right answer to how to do this.  Your therapist doesn't know, your mentors, other poz guys, cancer survivors....  no one.  All we can do is share our experience and hope that someone, somewhere learns from it.

Love the people who love you.  Ask for help when you need it.  Ask for help here.  Try a bit to forgive yourself and start healing.   

Yes, you are going to die someday.  It might even be from hiv.  Then again, it might be from radiation poisoning from a nuclear strike.     It's a fact.   

So, who are you?  What is important to you?  What would make you heal?   What can you forgive from yourself?  Where do you need help?   Be honest with yourself.     And...  by all means.... don't apologize for being human.     We're here to help if we can.

scott

[positivmat]

The first month for me was shock. I didn't deal much. I kept busy. I worked went to the dr got on meds called past partners read a lot came clean with my partner told my best friend and then crashed and started dealing with feelings in 2nd month. Came to realize that physically I was not as bad as I thought realized how lucky I was. But then started obsessing over details of my infection. Got into angry confrontation with possible infector. Then spent great deal of time trying to come to terms with him not meaning as much to me. Panic attacks started coming at night while I deal with night sweats. Still think about it when I am down. Started going back to tennis more. Talked to my friend who is a long term survivor a lot about who I am. Started seeing a therapist. Hope to find a new definition of myself out of this. Decided I can't deny this emotional pain. I am comitted now to working through all this and coming through the other side. I try to remember that when I am feeling low. Helps me to read other peoples' stories here and to communicate with others here about what is going on with them and me. That's where I am. Take care of yourself and be well
Matt

[Elephant]

Guys, thank you so much for sharing. I hope this doesn't come out wrong, but it helps to know that some of how I'm feeling or trying not to feel has been felt by other people.

Right now no one aside from one friend and my x knows. (and my boss, I had to explain all the days off for Dr. appt.s) (My x is more sad than me and can't talk about it. Go figure.) My other friend, my support, is away on vacation.

The input you guys are giving is a great comfort. I don't feel so "alone" or more specifically I don't feel "as fucked up in the head" knowing and hearing that what I feel is "normal".

I welcome anyone else's first month stories as well please. If that's ok to ask. It's helping.

[ARMANDO]

i dont really rememebr how i handled the news on the first month but i do remember the reaction from my brothers and sister or should i say " the lack of reaction"!!!THEY REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT AND 18 YRS LATER THEY STILL DONT  MENTION IT OR EVEN ASK HOW I'M DOING!!i think this is the part that i struggle with the most . I DO REMEMBER THAT IN THE FIRST SIX MONTHS AFTER FINDING OUT ,I TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE BY SWALLOWING A BOTTLE OF SLEEPING PILLS.since i'm writing this ,you can come to the conclusion that i failed!!!LOL.anyway i've learned to deal with this all these years prETTY MUCH ALONE.i have no desire to make new friendsafter having lost ALL OF MY FRIENDS to this disease.sometimes i wonder if i'm being punished  by living this long!!just my story,i hope i don't offend anyone

[tag_man08]

ARMANDO....you are very brave.  You survived during a time that I could never imagine.  Stop punishing yourself for winning this battle.  You have become a warrior and a great example for many.  Dont forget us newbies look up to you guys.  I can only hope to be walking in your footsteps.

Elephant....you are not alone.  We all felt our hopes and dreams melt before our eyes after our diagnosis.  I myself was alone when I saw my results given to me by a lab tech.  I looked at the paper and was like holy shit..."Nobody called me."  I went to the doctor 30mins later and heard it from her mouth the same thing written on the paper.  I went home...told my boyfriend and basically isolated myself.  I was very mad at the gay community.  I was mad at anyone gay for months.  I did not want to talk to anyone gay.  I did not want to see any rainbow flags.  I was disappointed in myself for letting myself catch this disease that I had always protected myself from getting.  Who knows how it happened, but I had to eventually stop blaming myself.  It happened with someone before my current boyfriend...and weirdly enough he was more stronger than I was.  He got tested cause we really thought he had it since he was more promiscuous than myself.  He tested negative thank god and we've still been together since.  I fed off his strength.  He really was the one that kept me trying to get out in the world and not isolate myself inside feeling sorry for myself.  I eventually came around after a few months and became strong again never to blame myself again.  IT JUST HAPPENED.  And thank god for the meds we have today versus 20years ago.  We are the lucky ones.  So...with almost 2 years under me now....I feel the strongest I've been in years.  I will not consider myself any less than anyone that is negative.  Our lives are still important and worth living.  I know I am not alone in this battle thanks to this website.  I'm so thankful for its founders.  We have been blessed because of it.

[jason35]

well for me its been a year now but the first month was the worst, i felt that my time was up and i was going to die, i felt that there was no hope and just prayed it would be quick, i was put on meds and the doctor told me if i didnt take them i could die, i said to her thats not a bad prospect ill take it (she was very worried)!!  anyway i took the meds!!  i couldnt sleep, i had permanement pain in my stomach i was stressed out!!  i hated the gay sceane, i hated gay guys and i hated the guy that infected me,i hated me and hated the world, i was dirty, dieased, used, unwanted!!  i wanted to end it but was even too much of a coward to even manage that, i bought a book on sucide, final exit!!  i wanted to be rid of this hiv  and they only way of doing that was me dieing!!  i was finished and i want to finish it, my race was run!!!

now a year later im so glad i didnt kill myself, im still a mess somtimes but its a lot better, i dont feel dirty or dieased, i can cope with this and continue with my life, its hard but i am doing it!!  the meds are working and i feel good, i enjot the gay sceane again, i can drink my guinness and enjoy good food, i love my family and my friends are cool and they still have there moments ha ha!!  i enjoy life even if i am down somtimes!!  i havent been with a guy in a year but this year i want to change that, i am hoping to meet mr right and touching wood i hope hes there:-)  i have travelled loads and i used to be afraid of flying, now ill go anywhere and seeing the world!!

please belive me there is life after hiv, stick with it and go through the emotions but trust me there is the other side, i am getting there, its slow but im doing it, i found strenght i tought i never had!!  i am happy again mostly and you will be too:-)

take care and keep posting
xx