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Author Topic: Is dating a challenge for you?  (Read 5262 times)

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Offline hotpuppy

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Is dating a challenge for you?
« on: December 06, 2008, 08:58:13 pm »
I'm curious if others find it a challenge to meet people they want to date?


In my case, I've been poz for a year now.  By no means do I consider myself an expert or guru... but I have figured out how to get around the block without doing too much time in the rose bush or on the sidewalk.  I'm sure that my fellow poz straight and lesbian folks have similar issues, so please don't take any offense when I speak in gay terms/lingo.  Love really doesn't understand labels and we all have preferences.  If we didn't have preferences in life and love I think we'd all be eating unflavored oatmeal with no butter, no sugar, and no milk.

I find the following:
1)  The "leper" camp:  These are the people who are either outright hostile, or dismissive because you are poz.  Like I'm some sort of damaged goods.  No big deal, when you are up front about your status you are bound to spook off those that can't handle it.  I also personally find it to be a two way street and that the inexperienced (neg) folks are alot more volatile.
2) The "doormat" camp:  These are hiv neg folks who don't respect their own health.  Some are just critically co-dependant and others are bug chasers.  In either case I see it a bit like self-mutilation and I just want to RUN not walk away. 
3) The "undeclared baggage" camp:  Yes honey, we all have at least a carry-on.  Some of us even need one of those over priced carts for our luggage.  The guys I'm talking about make Southwest seem like first class.  I'm not trying to be judgemental, but it's a turn off if you would rather spend time with Mz. Tina, her sister Alchy-hol, or any of that clan.  It seems like a large number of the poz guys I meet seem to fall into this pit of substance abuse and not be able to get out.
4) The "imported" camp:  Seems like when I meet a hot guy who is poz, and who has a job (or other means of support), and basically didn't quit life when he became poz.... he always tends to live somewhere else.  I realize that the finer things in life seem to be imported.... French wine, German beer, English weather (stab stab - sorry lads it ain't the food over there that England is known for....), Italian food, etc....

Okay, so I'm picky, intelligent, and want a mate who does more than play wall shadow.  yes, that does appear to be difficult to find. 

Apologies in advance if you felt offended.  I'm trying to mix some humor and dry sarcasm in my post.

Someone recently told me that it gets better after the first few years..... My mother agrees with me that men are like buses... if you don't like the one you are riding, hop off and wait a few minutes for the next one to come along..... although we disagree that sometimes it's better to walk. 

what have your experiences been like?  dating hell? Thanks for sharing, as comparing notes is often the best way to thrive and enjoy life.  Our ability to compare notes and share is what separates us from the monkeys in the jungle.  Although sometimes I think the monkeys have a better sex life and fewer things to be worried about.
Don't obsess over the wrong things.  Life isn't about your numbers, it isn't about this forum, it isn't about someone's opinion.  It's about getting out there and enjoying it.   I am a person with HIV - not the other way around.

Offline Texan38

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Re: Is dating a challenge for you?
« Reply #1 on: December 06, 2008, 10:33:17 pm »
Dating is challenge...but the insecurity of ones physical attribute will always hold back from any internet reality even though the personality and charm are presented.  And that's is a sad and realistic fact.
In Hollywood an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty per cent of publicity.
~ Lauren Bacall

Offline bismarck06

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Re: Is dating a challenge for you?
« Reply #2 on: December 06, 2008, 11:24:28 pm »
I tested poz late spring 2008.  In my opinion dating is challenging whether poz or neg.  Since I tested poz, I choose to only date men that are also poz.   I am up front with my status at the slightest romantic interest in a man and disclose my status right away.  There are so many poz men in my area and in other major cities that I have no reason to want to date neg men.  I have had no problem finding poz men in my area.

In a short time, I have discovered that poz men are just like neg men.  Most out there only want to have fun, hookups, fuck-buddy relationships.  The  poz men that desire long-term relationships are few and far between.  I am looking for a long-term relationship, so dating has been frustrating.  It has been difficult to find mutual interest and compatibility.   

When I do meet a poz man that seems to be mutally compatible, he either is visiting from out of town, lives out of state, or lives in another country!!! Maybe I should move to Spain : )  Part of that is that I live in Florida (tourism).

Dating men has been the most frustrating experience of my life.  The things that I think would attract a nice man to me only scares them off...  I am out to my immediate family, I am comfortable with my sexual orientation and HIV status, I am college educated (currently in graduate school), I can have both fun and intelligent conversation, I have an easy going personality, I am loving and caring, I am up front and honest, I live alone, drive my own car, and pay my own bills.

Who out there wants more than just a hook-up?

Offline hotpuppy

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Re: Is dating a challenge for you?
« Reply #3 on: December 07, 2008, 12:01:31 am »
ah it seems like we have the same game plan...the good ones are taken or from out of town. (and now  we can add neg to the list).  When I was younger I used to joke that I had a 6th sense for finding unavailable guys.  Str8, taken, just visiting, etc.  I can walk into a room and pick them with my eyes closed (and my clothes on thank you). 

I'm not really lamenting the neg guys... and I do choose to focus on poz guys myself.  I just find, like you, that most guys are not interested in dating. 

such is life.  anyone have any suggestions on where to meet poz guys who do want to date? oh and who I will ad are near my age....  lol.  No offense intended to the younger and older.

Don't obsess over the wrong things.  Life isn't about your numbers, it isn't about this forum, it isn't about someone's opinion.  It's about getting out there and enjoying it.   I am a person with HIV - not the other way around.

Offline Gary85741

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Re: Is dating a challenge for you?
« Reply #4 on: December 07, 2008, 11:43:08 am »
[in part]:
...In a short time, I have discovered that poz men are just like neg men.  Most out there only want to have fun, hookups, fuck-buddy relationships.  The poz men that desire long-term relationships are few and far between...  Dating men has been the most frustrating experience of my life... 


It is very frustrating.  My experience has been that above and beyond anything else, we are viewed these days as sexual mechanisms when it comes to people supposedly interested in a real relationship: 
(1)  One guy I "met" online who lives across country, who is interested in a relationship, wanted to meet me and then elaborated that this would be to test our sexual compatibility--he didn't reference any other kind of compatibility.  Were I to have flown across country, I would have felt like I was taking an examination and would receive a grade.
(2)  My best friend met a real nice guy last month but then lamented it won't go anywhere because they "are not sexually compatible."
(3)  A long-distance email pal wrote me of a long-term friend who he now would consider for a relationship because the guy's sexual creativity has improved.

I just find this kind of perception callous and hardened, and it's off-putting to me.  I understand it for hook-ups but not for relationships.  Maybe I'm weird but I think people can find a sexual common ground without elevating it to the status of a deal breaker.  What I would crave and what drives me at this point in my life is a true emotional connection, love, corny as that may be.  The rest would take care of itself. 

Gary 
Poz since '89. 
Current regimen: Rescriptor, Emtriva, Kaletra, Invirase, Acyclovir, Lisinopril, Lipitor, Prilosec, Valium, Testim, Nandrolone, Loperamidr, Marinol.

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: Is dating a challenge for you?
« Reply #5 on: December 07, 2008, 12:22:04 pm »


  I made a choice to date only poz women after my disclosure, mainly to avoid the whole disclosure issue.  Did not want to put myself through the rejection aspect either.  I did not have any problems finding people like myself who wanted to date with the intention of perhaps seeking a long term relationship, compatibility wise I mean.

  One of the issues I encountered was this belief that a relationship would definitely work solely because we were both positive.  Marriage talk isn't always a great way to break the ice during the first date. 

  I think the reason I did not have problems finding women who were also positive is because of the area I lived in at the time (Miami), but I was a bit surprised when I moved to a tiny town in Central Florida and found my wife who just happened to move to the same area a month before I did.

  Strange how things happen that way, guess the saying is true, You find love when you least expect it or something along those lines anyways.
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline Buckmark

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Re: Is dating a challenge for you?
« Reply #6 on: December 07, 2008, 12:58:36 pm »
One of my favorite topics where I usually love to weigh in.  It's very challenging to meet people for dating, and I don't think it has very much to do with being positive.  I generally find that people have a rather long list of qualifications in someone they want to date (age, height, weight, job, bank account, car, personality traits, hobbies, sexual interests, etc.) that it's almost impossible to find someone who fits the bill.  While it is good to know what you are looking for, and to be sure you have some common ground / compatibilities.  But it's good to keep an open mind, and not limit yourself too much (especially in ways that aren't the most important to you).  The love of your life may not be the package you've been envisioning in your mind for years and years.

I personally don't limit myself to only guys who are also poz.  If I did, it would be years between dates. 

One last thing:  if one more person says "you'll find the right guy when you least expect it" or "you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your price" I'm going to scream.  (It felt good to get that off my chest).

Cheers,

Henry
"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Offline John2038

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Re: Is dating a challenge for you?
« Reply #7 on: December 07, 2008, 01:29:06 pm »
Is dating a challenge for you?

Never. Never never never.

Since poz, met maybe 9 partners.
To all I have disclosed at the first or second dinner.
No one rejected me. I guess the reason is love must be about what you are.
And if you are the one for someone else, he/she gonna take the fool package as it is.

The other reason might be chance.

Nevermind.

I met 4-5 days ago a WONDERFUL, pretty girl.

She is staying with me after having think 2 days.
She is totally gorgeous, nice, well a wonderfull un coup de foudre.

So dating haven't be a challenge for me, I feel so lucky.
Cause as I feel it, I have probably meet Ms Right.
« Last Edit: December 07, 2008, 01:31:19 pm by John2038 »

Offline BT65

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Re: Is dating a challenge for you?
« Reply #8 on: December 07, 2008, 01:43:46 pm »
John, you've only been diagnosed positive a short time, haven't you?  And nine partners already?  Why didn't they work out? 

And a girl moved in with you after only two days?  Do you think that's going to last?
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Offline woodshere

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Re: Is dating a challenge for you?
« Reply #9 on: December 07, 2008, 02:12:34 pm »
.... "you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your price" I'm going to scream. 


Thank You, my thoughts exactly.

Dating has always been a difficult thing for me neg or poz.  I have to say mostly due to my insecurity, low self-esteem and unhealthy fear of rejection and handling any rejection that comes my way, I seldom put myself in situations that allow me to meet guys to date.  I would like to date more, but until I deal, which I am doing, with these issues it will always be a challenge just to find a date. 
"Let us give pubicity to HV/AIDS and not hide it..." "One of the things destroying people with AIDS is the stigma we attach to it."   Nelson Mandela

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: Is dating a challenge for you?
« Reply #10 on: December 07, 2008, 02:33:22 pm »
If you had problems with dating before you were poz, you just going to continue down that road post-poz.  At least you recognize this issue.  I always get the feeling many do not, and just use their poz status to legitimize their complaints on this issue.
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline next2u

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Re: Is dating a challenge for you?
« Reply #11 on: December 07, 2008, 02:41:17 pm »
hey pupster

haha, dating. yeah, i date a lot. now, i don't run into a lot of quality guys but i do make a lot of new associates and have a lot of fun.

hmm, yeah, a lot of the poz guys ive run into have given up on a lot of things. the other poz guys are too busy partying, denying or fucking and fleeing. the few good ones (my def - positive attitude, tries to succeed, maintains their integrity and i always hope for a lil compassion) are precisely that, few.

all i can say is keep a positive attitude and a lot of lube for that quality time alone. btw, a fb never hurts : )

to recap, i date a lot. the more i date, the more i like being alone. i want to believe im a romantic at heart but unfortunately all of these dudes are making me more content flying solo.

do you live next to a metropolitan area? i hate to say this but i definitely keep an eye open at poz events and even scout men at hiv support meetings. i try and establish friendships with those who seem to care and then take it from there. i guess i do this cause i know that the men are poz, single and it builds my social network and gives me a romantic possibility. now, i'm not saying this works or is the best strategy but it doesn't hurt : )

anyhow, take care dude, looking forward to an update on this topic real soon.

best,
d

btw, u were right about my situation with dude. its just running its course now. thanks again.
midapr07 - seroconversion
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Offline John2038

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Re: Is dating a challenge for you?
« Reply #12 on: December 07, 2008, 03:03:34 pm »
John, you've only been diagnosed positive a short time, haven't you?  And nine partners already?  Why didn't they work out? 

And a girl moved in with you after only two days?  Do you think that's going to last?

Everything you say is right.
Note: It's not my thread, so I don't feel I should answer, but as it is dating related,so  just a short dating related answer.

Yes, I know my status since a bit more than a year.
Yes, 9 partners or so.
They didn't work out for many different reason. Each time, I left. I'm looking for Ms Right, and since poz, I decided I have no time to waste. It's very bad, I haven't do it while neg, but since poz, if a girl don't match my criteria, I go. While neg, I could have lose months or so before ending the relationship, just cause feeling sorry. I still feel sorry, but as I have know all these girls for a short time only, they will forget me quickly as well.

Did she move with me. Not really. Just she is actually staying with me. Her clothes and others stuff still remain at her place. But she is sleeping here, for how long, I don't know.
I don't know if it's going to last. But I have throw away my SIM cards, and with, the possibilities for my ex or others to contact me.
I believe love work as long as both give fully yourself to the other. These can happen if on both side, the prerequisites are met. It is the case so far. And if this relationship should break, the story will just repeat.
Until then, I just give my best, and I feel she is doing the same.
I have appreciate she have take the time to think. It's a good start. Since, she is behaving with me like if I was neg. She is not afraid at all, just told me: I hopes I not gonna loose you anytime soon.
Just replied: the cure is for soon. I don't care if this answer have a sens or not.
I just never talk about HIV. If I can give a tips, it will be this one.
Sorry to maybe hijack this thread, maybe not. I guess its still good for some to read also good true story.
This reply is finally a long reply.
« Last Edit: December 07, 2008, 03:08:09 pm by John2038 »

Offline hotpuppy

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Re: Is dating a challenge for you?
« Reply #13 on: December 07, 2008, 03:52:28 pm »
Interesting responses.

Yes, I do go to the poz socials.  I have not going to the poz support group.  I think there is something slimy about going to a support function to cruise for a date.  Now, with my moral moment satisfied... I'm a gay guy, so of course I'm always alert to the possibilities of good sex and a friend.  :) 

Yes, I know I should be more open minded, but dammit my vision of a partner is someone who is roughly my equal.  Not someone who is old enough to be my Dad, or young enough to be my son.  No offense to either group intended.  I actually enjoy conversations with both, I just find them about as sexually attractive as well.... um, sorry can't think of anything that wouldn't be offensive.  They aren't.  Sex and Love are separate, but better together. 

Yes a FB can be fun, but sex gettings boring for me after 2 or 3 times unless I'm doing things with that person and getting to know them.  I mean, heck sex for the sake of sex... that's jacking off. 

You are totally right, next2u, solo beats a bad flight with a angry co-pilot.  I decided 3 years ago when my last relationship ended that it was better to be happy and single than miserable and partnered.  One of my best friends is my last bf.  Of course he is supportive of my HIV status.... but terrified of it nonetheless.  Hell, like he has a choice?  What's he gonna do? "I disapprove of your HIV, take it back right away and come back with your money from the refund?  "   LOL, sure yessir! right away, who's takeing HIV back this week?

I think it borders on lunacy to believe you "need" someone else.  I look at a partner as a best friend with mind blowing sexual intimacy and non-wavering support.  Or at least that is the fantasy. 

I do not have this rigid vision of the ideal man as being 5'9", 175#, short blond hair, blue eyes, an education, etc.... although I would not kick said individual out of bed for eating crackers.  Hell I mgiht ask what sort of crackers and flavor of jam he would like in bed.  No, my vision allows for him to be one half inch taller or shorter .....  lol.

Okay, I'm picky... but dammit I'm worth it and so are you!  If I was willing to "settle" for a relationship where I didn't have good sex and went along with things I'd be straight, married, with 2.4 kids and a mortgage in Caliwackofronicaterville.  So somewhere in between exists a happy medium of someone who scores high on your "let's roll in the hay index" and high enough on the "is he a neanderthal index" and low enough on the "looking for a hand out welfare index."  I face the music that hey if you shed more hair than my dog and cat combined than we are probably not a match.  Likewise, the dog and cat were here before you, and unless one of us beings dies soon, they will likely be here when you are gone.  So don't get any coup de etat (sp?) ideas about ousting ms. kitty from her universe. 

I think my favorite dealbuster date faux pas (fo pah) is "I'm not a cat/dog/house/boat person."  To which I normally reply, "cheers I am, it was nice meeting you."


John - Darling!  We call that Psycho Speed Dating in some circles.  Date tonite, U-haul tomorrow!  Gone next weekend.  lol.    I have a firm rule about this... again i'm sounding inflexbile no?  Date tonite, gone tomorrow, possibly again in a day or so.  I already have a shadow, I don't need another.  When I think I've lost it I just look for a bright light. 

It's good to compare notes on this.  that was my main intent.  I think that a healthy relationship is something that promotes stability, limits the "need" to prowl for sex (muhaha), and has other encouraging social benefits.  I also think that you are smoking crack if you expect me to settle for someone who is not sexually attractive, can't hold a conversation, and who shares no goals or aspirations in life.

In retrospect, I think the biggest challenge I face is where to meet people.  I don't go to bars because I really do not drink or do drugs.  While I have friends who do both, I find excessive consumption of either or both to be, er, um, in a word, dissappointing.... less than attractive to me in my opinion? 

I do sometimes go to the baths.  That can be fun, but it raises it's own set of issues around disclosure.  I do workout at the bathhouse that has a nice gym here.  I love that aspect of it and it helps me to stay on my workout routine.  I also don't run the risk of being arrested for cruising in the steamroom should I choose to.  (don't pretend it doesn't happen at every other bathhouse).  I've joked that I have a higher chance of meeting someone there than the bars anyway. And no, it's not where I became poz... that was from an online meeting.

I do spend some time online.  I find online to be somewhat borderline on health though.  there is a strong idealism to be fit, model-like, and neg.  Hunting is better in some places than others.

i refuse to go to church to cruise for a date.  I have my own belief system and don't find organized religion particularly appealing, despite the commonalities between my beliefs and theirs.

I've toyed with volunteering... but again, it's hard to pretend you care when you are busy staring at someone's ass and wondering what it would be like.   lol.  I actually did take some steps to get involved in some advocacy/outreach work.  I think it might be interesting and scratch the "give back" itch.



Don't obsess over the wrong things.  Life isn't about your numbers, it isn't about this forum, it isn't about someone's opinion.  It's about getting out there and enjoying it.   I am a person with HIV - not the other way around.

Offline CaliGuy22

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Re: Is dating a challenge for you?
« Reply #14 on: December 07, 2008, 04:08:48 pm »
I am kind of over dating at the moment. I am enjoying being single for a bit but sometimes get tired of not having someone here to share things with.  I am a young handsome guy and I still can't find anyone in my area that really wants to go out. Eh, I just watch this to cheer myself up about dating.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F-w0-agVE8g
Compassion is Revolution.

Offline Ann

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Re: Is dating a challenge for you?
« Reply #15 on: December 07, 2008, 05:52:12 pm »
John, maybe if you got invovled with  a WOMAN instead of a GIRL you might have more luck.

Somehow I doubt it though.

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Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: Is dating a challenge for you?
« Reply #16 on: December 07, 2008, 06:00:46 pm »
John, maybe if you got invovled with  a WOMAN instead of a GIRL you might have more luck.


Was that an offer?
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline John2038

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Re: Is dating a challenge for you?
« Reply #17 on: December 07, 2008, 06:06:08 pm »
John, maybe if you got invovled with  a WOMAN instead of a GIRL you might have more luck.

Somehow I doubt it though.

you are again talking about things you have no idea about.

Offline Oceanbeach

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Re: Is dating a challenge for you?
« Reply #18 on: December 07, 2008, 06:44:56 pm »
Someone recently told me that it gets better after the first few years..... My mother agrees with me that men are like buses... if you don't like the one you are riding, hop off and wait a few minutes for the next one to come along..... although we disagree that sometimes it's better to walk. 

I often said this with a slight variation... "Men are like street cars, if you miss one, another comes along in 20 minutes"  For years, I thought it was an original statement, inspired by a bus stop next to my bar stool.

Then one day, not unlike any other, my friend Richard came in with his friend Larry thinking we should meet.  Our first night was Gay Night at Disneyland, our second was Magic Mountain for my BD.  We spent every Friday and Saturday night together for years along with Christmas, New Years, Easter, Thanksgiving and 6 BD's with two other couples.  We planned a "union ceremony" in the Third Street Presbyterian Church and talked about adoption.

We went to galleries and shows, we had the prefect relationship an alcoholic and a co-dependent could dream of, everyone wanted to be us.  Larry and I were what dreams were made of and one day, I woke up, he picked up someone at a funeral.

I gave up the beach house in L.A., moved 586 miles away and did not date for over 8 years.  His pictures were still framed and hanging in every house until I moved to this one on the Russian River.  They are in a box, under the house, probably getting mold.  it took a long time for me to feel like a person with value, someone who is worthy of love and with something to offer other than being in the charity lines for the HIV/AIDS disabled... I met Walter last year and have been on many, many dream dates since that total lunar eclipse.  

The few friends I have here on the river have taken their opportunities to point out, "I have AIDS, he is Neg and has a law practice, I must be a gold diggin bitch to think, I am good enough."  He never said or implied anything in that manner and supports that I dropped friends who are not worthy of my company.

In conversation over political issues such as Prop 8, I heard the words, "I want to get married" come from his lips.  Does this mean married to ME!? I don't know, we have never had a normal day together with the Sunday paper and a double latte.  In more recent conversations re: business at his firm, I offered to take a look at his marketing strategies to find ways to improve and build his client list.  Having found some areas I can improve the bottom line, I have agreed to work two days each week, he offered to pay me for my time.  I refused salary because, as I said, I love him more than life itself but he can pay my transportation costs and buy me lunch.  Now, I have something of value to give of myself and he is delighted I can and will do this.

Gay, Straight, Positive, Negative, and all variations considered, dating is a challenge and I hope you find someone  ;D  Have the best day
Michael







Offline hotpuppy

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Re: Is dating a challenge for you?
« Reply #19 on: December 07, 2008, 07:06:28 pm »
I often said this with a slight variation... "Men are like street cars, if you miss one, another comes along in 20 minutes"  For years, I thought it was an original statement, inspired by a bus stop next to my bar stool.


Houston, where I live, tore out the street cars decades ago.  Now we have freeways filled with cell-phone addicted sublurban driving [expletive expletive] people.  Alas, I'm only slightly better... I use a bluetooth headset and drive a full size diesel pickup.  But hey, it can run on biodiesel if they choose to make it available. 

Michael, it's fantastic that you've found someone who is the wind in your sails.  To hell with the rough seas of jealousy that raise their skanky voice in criticism because they realize they cannot have what you have achieved together with your friend/partner.  The next most important thing I read is that you found something to apply your marketing talents to.

I don't know what's more wonderful, that you found something to apply yourself to that you enjoy, or that you found someone who "gets" marketing.  Targeted, effective marketing is a process that few people understand or are willing to invest the time and resources in.
Don't obsess over the wrong things.  Life isn't about your numbers, it isn't about this forum, it isn't about someone's opinion.  It's about getting out there and enjoying it.   I am a person with HIV - not the other way around.

Offline joemutt

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Re: Is dating a challenge for you?
« Reply #20 on: December 07, 2008, 11:41:15 pm »
If you had problems with dating before you were poz, you just going to continue down that road post-poz.  At least you recognize this issue.  I always get the feeling many do not, and just use their poz status to legitimize their complaints on this issue.

hahaha. absolutely. I'd rather have a root canal.
I always avoided dating like the plague, oooh, the intimacy of it.
But I did it so I realised I could. And if need be I could do it again.
But it will always be with shaking knees in spite of being gorgeous.  ::)
« Last Edit: December 07, 2008, 11:46:09 pm by joemutt »

Offline joemutt

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Re: Is dating a challenge for you?
« Reply #21 on: December 07, 2008, 11:44:08 pm »
sorry double posting  ::)

 


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