Why am I so stupid?

[nokmog]

I have a guy in my life who is HIV+. He didn't tell me until about 2 months into our relationship, in February 2011. Not knowing very much, I thought that after two months of sex (only protection being birth control pills) that I'm certainly positive and kind of lost hope and continued to have unprotected sex with him.

In June I went to get tested and, much to my relief, tested negative. Of course, they said I still have to go back after 3 months, just to be extra certain that I'm negative. But, I was so surprised that I was negative and I was determined to take better care of myself; I felt like I had really been given a second chance when I didn't deserve it.

I told myself I'd quit the relationship anyway because I no longer want to have sex, protected or not. But, a month after testing, I fell for it again with him. Every time after we have sex I feel so guilty and like HIV is impending, and I swear I'll never do it again, but it always happens.

He really pressures me into it and insists on not wearing a condom because he hates them. I can't describe it; it's not like I'm being raped, but I really don't want to have sex. I told him I don't want to have sex anymore because I don't like how it makes me feel, and he got really angry at me, saying I don't love him, I'm not a "real" woman, he'll go find someone else, I'm not being fair to him, etc. I get the emotional guilt trip from him until I finally cave. That's how I keep finding myself in this stupid situation.

I want help. I don't want to be HIV+. I used to be someone who was judgmental, thinking to myself, "Why don't they just quit having sex? Why not just wear a condom?" and feeling that people were really stupid for becoming HIV+ by their own decisions. Now I see it's deeper than that. I'm being emotionally succumbed into having unprotected sex and, for some reason, I can't get out of it.

Anyway, I guess I'm looking for support. I don't really want to be harangued because, believe me, I do plenty of that to myself. I feel like I can't talk to friends because I know that their impressions are the same that mine were-- you are really stupid if you have unprotected sex with an HIV+ person. They don't know his status and I'm not going to tell them because it's none of their business.

Any form of support or advice will help until I can get myself out of this mess. Thanks in advance.

[RapidRod]

You are kidding, correct?

[Ann]

Nok,

I really don't know what you expect from us - and I do not mean that in a nasty way. I'm honestly at a loss here.

This guy does not have your best interests at heart. He could not possibly care about you in the least - let alone love you - if he continually uses emotional blackmail to endanger your health and life. You need to run, not walk, away from this nasty piece of work as fast as you can.

The next time he says you don't love him - explain to him that he cannot possibly love you if he is willing to infect you with hiv. Tell him that real men protect their loved ones, they do not put them in danger for their own physical satisfaction.

Maybe you need to see a therapist to get to the bottom of why you are allowing yourself to be used this way and why you continually put yourself in harm's way with this poor excuse for a human being.

Make sure you get tested again. Hopefully you'll still be hiv negative.

Ann

[nokmog]

Thanks, Ann. Actually, what you have said does help a lot. I'm planning to go for testing tomorrow because I can't bear the anxiety I have right now about it, and I've also thought about therapy-- maybe it's time to follow up on that thought. You've given me good "ammo" to fight back with. It's true; he doesn't love me if he has no concern to keep me healthy.

I just need to get my head together.

[Andy Velez]

I'm in total agreement with Ann about the guy putting your health and your life at risk.

You of course are responsbile in this situation as well. You're an adult although at times you may not feel like one. That happens to everyone sometimes and especially when love and sex are involved and often mixed up.

Remember, HIV is forever. And you have to decide whether staying healthy and alive is important enough to you to say no more sex with him unless he is wearing a condom everytime. That's what it comes down to. And if he won't wear a condom then you need to stop having intercourse with him. He's just being a wilfull and selfish guy to put you at risk that way.

And please don't bother telling me what great qualities he has and how good looking and how much fun and tender he can be. That kind of stuff is not going to fly here when we are talking about a risk to your life.

I am reminded of someone I knew years ago who told me his boyfriend didn't like using condoms. That friend become infected and eventually died. Are you hearing me?

So-called "love" has to stop somewhere short of suicide. And it is suicidal to keep having unprotected sex with someone whom you know is HIV positive.