POZ Community Forums
Off Topic Forums => Off Topic Forum => Topic started by: Angel-Ronnie on January 15, 2010, 02:49:08 am
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A lawyer boards a plane in Sydney with a box of frozen crabs and asks a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She takes the box and promises to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advises her that he is holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, adding in a very haughty manner that he is a lawyer, and then proceeds to rant at her about what will happen if she lets them thaw out.
Needless to say, she is annoyed by his behaviour.
Shortly before landing in Perth, she uses the intercom to announce to the entire plane: "Will the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Sydney please raise your hand. "
Understandably not a single hand goes up... so she takes the crabs home, cooks and eats them.
Two lessons here:
• Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
• Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.
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A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint
when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink…
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
'Hey you!'
So the koala looked down at him and said,
'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...
How much water did you drink!?
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Dracula And The Nuns
Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.
She opens the window and shouts:
"Get the fuck off my windshield!"
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If you feel like doing some work,
sit down and wait.
The feeling will go away.
;D ;D ;D ;D :o ::)
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> A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3
> year-old grandson.
>
> It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for
> sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit,
> cereal and pop in the other aisles.
>
> Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice,
> "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy."
>
> Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay,
> William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in
> there, boy."
>
> At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart,
> and Gramps says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy,
> don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
>
> Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his
> groceries and the boy into the car.
>
> She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were
> amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept
> your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just
> calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you
> as his grandpa."
>
> "Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . . . the little
> bastard's name is Steve."
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The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at
The Pearly Gates, met by St. Pete r himself. However, the gates are closed,
And Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Pete r said, "Well, Forrest,
It is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you I must
Tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering
An entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to
Pass it before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It sure is
Good to be here, St. Pete r, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance
Exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.
Life was a big enough test
As it was."
St. Pete r continued, "Yes, I
Know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?
Third:
What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions
Over. He returns the next day and sees St. Pete r, who waves him up, and
Says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,
Tell me your answers"
Forrest replied, "Well, the
First one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"?
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes opened wide and
He exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do
Have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit
For that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Pete r.
"How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about
That, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Pete r said, "Twelve?
Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds
In a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's
Got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "
"Hold it," interrupts St.
Pete r. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,
Though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give
You credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure," Forrest replied,
"it's Andy."
"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated
And frustrated St Pete r.
"Ok, I can understand how you
Came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the
World did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest
One of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY
WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."
St. Pete r opened the Pearly Gates,
And said: "Run Forrest, run."
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I posted a few good jokes to lighten up everyones day as it is a new year and a bit of humour can go a long way today.
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It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol
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I posted a few good jokes to lighten up everyones day as it is a new year and a bit of humour can go a long way today.
And they would have been even less spam-like if you had put them all in one thread. ::)
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but ma'am it would be to long reading material at once and as it is, if it is longer than one page i'll fall asleep....
Compliments to and all Ann for this beautiful New Year
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That ones cute and as a teacher I appreciate the cleverness of alternative thinking.
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good one.
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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . .
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman:" Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...."
Doctor:"I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle".
2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.
Woman:" Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me.
Doctor:" you see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!"
[attachment deleted by admin]
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Ok thats good too.
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as long as it puts a smile on well why not we need homour to brighten our day.
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This one is quite sexist, however.
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:D :D :D
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Cute! :D
Perfect way to start the day!
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Um, yeah, some of your other jokes were quite good, but this one is just offensive. >:(
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LMAO Aint that the truth!
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I really did LOL. great!
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;)Bring it on Ronnie...you always make me smile
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I always use a lower case "g" in gOD, so not to appear pretentious but on a fine day in San Francisco... We stopped at St. Ignatius Cathedral, I lit a candle and said, "Creature of Fire Blessed Be" As we were leaving, my date asked if I wanted to talk to a Priest. ;D Have the best day
Michael
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lol..its easier being a guy...poor me! ;D
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Heh heh, so true... and there are times when you can skip the alcohol to make some of us happy.
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This joke is best left for two guys out in the middle of the Everglades on a bass boat.
Watch out for alligators
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Jeeeez Ronnie. ::)
Some jokes are best left in your email inbox.
Yeesh.
MtD
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:'( :'( :'(
sorry if this one offended many was not my intention but it shows how warped my mind is at times
I apologise for this
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:'( :'( :'(
sorry if this one offended many was not my intention but it shows how warped my mind is at times
I apologise for this
I got a racist God, dead baby joke I can't tell anywhere. If you want it PM me...lol
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HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol
I must be one of those "high maintenance" males, since I need more than that. ;)
;D
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A donkey dies just outside the walls of a convent.
Before the city had a chance take away the remains of the donkey, someone in the middle of the night cuts off the donkeys cock and balls and throws it over the convent walls.
The next day a group of nuns are walking about the convent grounds, when they hear Sister Mary who comes running in their direction, as she screams in panic.
The other nuns come to her aid, asking:
"Sister Mary!!... Sister Mary what has happened?"
She replies.. "They've killed Father John!!!"
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Since St. Peter is the theme.
Three nuns arrive at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells the group:
"Before I can let you in, each one of you will need to answer a question, you will gain entrance based on your answer".
He asks the first nun:
"Who was the first man God created?"
"Adam. God first created Adam"
Bells chime, heavenly light shines on the pearly gates and it opens with a symphony of angels.
He asks the second nun:
"Who was the first woman God created?"
"Eve. She was the first woman that God created"
Bells chime, heavenly light shines on the pearly gates and it opens with a symphony of angels.
He then turns to the third nun and asks:
"What was the first thing, Eve said to Adam?"
The nun, thought about... thought about it some more and said
"Boy that's a hard one!!"
Bells chime, heavenly light shines....
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yeah, me too. add food to the list, lol. food, alcohol (or da ganja) & sex pretty much sums it up.
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so wrong...but so funny. thanks for the smile.
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lol, you know you are wrong : ). thanks for the smile.
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A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked. 'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'
She didn't crack a smile. 'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing. 'What's so funny?' he asked.
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
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ROTFLMAO :o
TOO phunny !
Carl :)
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:) :) ;D ;D ;D
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:D ROFLMAO!!! I know those 2, taught at my grade school! Thanks for a hearty chuckle to start my day off!
Twitter me: http://twitter.com/SoBankQueenBee
or stop by & visit: http://www.SouthBankHIVe.net/
Michael
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No offense~
A guy would have got it as soon as the doc hit the punch line.
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Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa ? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? ( UK )
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them
die.
Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much youve been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, its only two thousand kilometres take lots of water...
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa ? ( Sweden )
A: So its true what they say about Swedes...
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa ? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town , Knysna and Jeffreys Bay ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not...oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and well send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa ? ( France )
A: No, WE don t stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere where a significant number of Americans gather
Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa ? ( Germany )
A: Not yet, but for you, we ' ll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round?
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can di spense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will probably still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but youll have to learn it first.
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Making love is the only job in the world which a man or woman cannot include in his or her CV... despite years of experience and a number of references, no matter how powerful....what a pity as most of you would have been CEO'S by now. (he he he he he he !!)
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A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings
are the only animals that stutter,' she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew
it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went
"Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'Fuck-off !,'
the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room.
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Fallen,
I've merged all your recent joke threads into one thread. When a person keeps starting new, but related, threads, it's considered spamming on internet forums. You're not the first person here to have multiple threads merged - see Red Dragon's "YouTube Links for the Day" thread or John2038's "Research News" thread in the Research forum.
I would appreciate it if you would use this thread from now on for jokes instead of continually starting new threads. Thank you for your cooperation.
Ann
edited because I gave Red Dragon's thread the wrong title. ::)
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thanks for this Ann well at least we know where to find them and will do. Ann another suggestion if you don't mind why don't we do the joke thread the same as the birthday one we create a thread on a monthly basis instead of a week or a day just a thought though
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To my SMART friends,
This was developed as an age test by the R&D Department at Harvard University .
Take your time and see if you can read each line out loud without a mistake.
The average person can't do it!
This is really difficult, not so easy, so be careful.
1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is a cat
7. This is fool cat
8. This is busy cat
9. This is for cat
10. This is forty cat
11. This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down, and I bet you can't resist passing it on.
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A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won, naturally.
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Three women and three men are travelling by train to the football
At the station; the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.
'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of the men.
'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.
They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please. The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!
'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' says one perplexed man.
'Watch and learn,' answer the women.
When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.
The woman knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket, please.'
I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women.
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I'm still trying to figure out why this isn't in your joke thread.
Nyuck nyuck nyuck.
MtD
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Angel,
I've merged your latest joke thread into your daily joke thread where I requested you keep all your jokes. PLEASE STOP STARTING NEW JOKE THREADS! If you insist on ignoring this request, you may find yourself with a time out.
Ann
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A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little
Old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had
Cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but
One day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said
She would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took
Down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was
In the box. When he opened it, he found two knitted dolls
And a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me
The secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that
If I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and knit a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
Happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
A Prayer.......
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death,
Because I don't have time to knit!
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'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing
the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it
couldn't have been bigger than the a AAA battery. Unable to control
herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.
Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her
composure.
'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor
as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me,
what seems to be the problem?'
...'It's swollen,' Fred replied.
She ran out of the room.....
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Computer Problems
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like Eric, the little b*st*rd
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dude, if a tree falls in the forest...
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it will all be due to global warming ..........LOL
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Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to
the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
things that are important to each other.."
He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered,
'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?'
And, thus began Walter's life of celibacy..........
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SICKDAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work.
MARTENITY LEAVE
Kort Kort pregnant is banned. You must first apply to your superiors and with their approval you'll then be allowed to do pregnancy. It will only be allowed once in 10yrs and you only get 1 month maternity leave. No male shall get leave related to her wife's pregnancy, sickness or even death (he is not a midwife, a doctor nor an undertaker).
SURGERY
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider having anything removed. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
HOLIDAYS
Each employee will receive 104 holidays per year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends or relatives. Every effort should be made to have non-employees to attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch-hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
ABSENT FOR YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks' notice to allow time for you to train your own replacement.
TOILET USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance: All employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8.00 to 8.20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8.20 to 8.40 and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both workers' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract, and the door will open..
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slimfast and take a diet pill.
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you must come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing designer clothing we will assume that you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay rise.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice day
HR
PS - please charge the time spent reading this email to ANNUAL LEAVE
-
The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man.. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f....ing Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'
-
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.
'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair.
She can't possibly be mine!!'
'Nonsense,' the doctor said. 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'
'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.
'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'
'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have s#x???'
The man seemed a bit ashamed.
'I've been working very hard for the past year.
We only made love once or twice every few months.'
'Well, there you have it!'
The doctor said confidently.
'It's rust.'
-
Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE...
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
-
i just need to add to that,
why does toast always fall onto the carpet butter side down ;D
-
When George first noticed that his ding a ling
was growing larger and staying
up longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks,
it had grown to nearly twenty inches.
George became quite concerned.
He was having problems dressing,
and even walking. So he and
his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial
examination, the doctor explained to the couple
that, though rare, George's condition could be fixed
through corrective surgery.
'How long will George be on crutches?' the wife asked anxiously.
'Crutches? Why would he need crutches?
responded the surprised doctor
'Well,' said the wife coldly, 'you ARE going to lengthen
his legs AREN'T you?
-
thanks fallen I needed those,I now have o huge smile stuck to my face
-
in my case they will have to shorten my legs........LOL ;D
-
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It's a bad one. Both
of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says; "So, you're a man.
That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's
nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from
God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for
the rest of our days."
The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from
God!
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car
is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely
God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then
she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and
then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle,
immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."
Bliksem! Adam ate the apple, too! Men will never learn!
-
• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just *#!! off and leave me alone.
§ The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
§ The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.
• Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.
§ Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
§ Remember, no-one is listening until you fart.
§ Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.
§ Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
§ If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments
§ Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
§ If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.
§ Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
§ Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.
§ If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
§ Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.
§ Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
§ Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.
§ The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
§ A closed mouth gathers no feet.
§ There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.
§ Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.
§ Never miss a good chance to shut up.
§ Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
§ When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse
§ The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
§ Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.
-
This letter was sent to the Knysna School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors.
An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.
This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today:
Dear Knysna School,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon.
I am 84 years old and live at the Golden Years Home for the Aged.
All of my family has passed away, and I am all alone, and I want to thank you for the kindness shown to a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to fuck off.
Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Edna
-
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in
reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viâgrâ?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viâgrâ'. It's when
you drop the Viâgrâ tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it... Give
it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as
to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, goodness gracious me! It was horrid!
Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was
almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with
his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and
tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there
passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute
nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good?'
'Fook me, no no no, it was the best sêx I've had in 25 years! But sure as
I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Mugg 'n Bean again!'
-
2010 Tax Code
The only thing that the Government has not taxed yet is the male pen!s.
This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is p!ssed off and 1% of the time it is in a hole.
On top of that, it has two dependants and they are both nuts!
HOWEVER: effective January 1st, 2010, the pen!s will now be taxed according to size:
The brackets are as follows:
5 - 10 cm. Nuisance Tax R20.00
10 - 20 cm. Priviledge Tax R100.00
20 - 25 cm Pole Tax R200.00
25 - 30 cm Luxury Tax R300.00
Males exceeding 30 cm must file capital gains.
Those under 10 cm are eligible for a tax refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION
-
A blonde lady motorist was close to Laingsburg when she was flagged down
> by a man whose truck had broken down.
>
> The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to Cape Town?"
>
> "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
>
> "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My
> problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken
> to the Tygerberg Zoo in Cape Town.
>
> They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road
> all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?
>
> I'll give you R500 for your trouble."
>
> "I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
>
> So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's
> car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
>
> Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the centre of
> Cape Town when suddenly he was horrified!!
>
> There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the
> two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
>
> With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the
> blonde.
>
> "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you R500 to
> take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
>
> "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over so
> now we're going to the Aquarium !
-
The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called .... Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom..
The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex..
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say ..
'F**k You.'
The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. She/he takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And Last ... But Not Least ...
The 7th kind of sex is called ... State Pension Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy your self.
PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME
WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.
I have enough problems of my own !
-
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission.. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' .. that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
-
* They say that marriage makes a man dizzy, and it's true. As soon as I got a wife, I lost my balance at the bank.
* Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home & devil in bed. But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home & economist in Bed.
* Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!
* Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u.
After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue.. U r my headache, one day I'll kill u.
* Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
* Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married..
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
* Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
* Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
-
Thought you would like abit of a laugh.................
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission
in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he
realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and
says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he
points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears
a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of
natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills
them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how
could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, 'My bike.'
Enjoy your day and remember to keep off the roads
when riding someone elses bicycle!
-
This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad
day at work think of this guy.
Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana ...
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station
103.5 FM in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst
job experience contest.
Needless to say, she won. Read his letter below.
~Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down
lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you
realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to
me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know,
my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's
a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to
keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This
$20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a
delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden
hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with
no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is
take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit..
This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it.
This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I
pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I
realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish
and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back,
the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as
fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the
jellyfish into the crack of my ass.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His
instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other
divers, were all laughing hysterically.. Needless to say, I aborted the
dive.
I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops
totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my
chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing
nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with
tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told
me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my ass
was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse
it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Now repeat to
yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'
Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!!
Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift. ~
-
Alittle girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor..'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
-
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's
House.
She knocked on the door then immediately
Walked in. She was shocked to see her
Daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally
Naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
Perfume filled the room.
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from
Work.' The daughter-in-law answered.
' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.
'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law
Explained.
'Love dress? But you're naked!'
'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she
Explained.
'Every time he sees me in this
Dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages
Me for hours.'
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she
Undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
Dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
On the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
And saw her lying there so provocatively.
' What are you doing?' he asked.
'This is my love dress,' she whispered,
Sensually.
'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'
-
A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?""I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."
"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"
"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer." The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."
"What?" asks the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.
"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...
"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch."
-
The man walks into the bookstore and asks the assistant:
"Do you have any books regarding " the man wears the pants in the relationship"
The assistant in return just look at him, over her reading glasses.
"Sir, go and look there by the fucken fairytales if you can find it"
-
A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies:
'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers,
'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds,
'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
1, you have to be single and
2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.'
-
Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early
Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.
Tv has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".
Conclusion: "Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!"