Author Topic: A intro to me (thanks Bear) (Read 4832 times)

chrism1973 · « **on:** August 03, 2007, 07:15:57 am »

Hi everyone,
I am not sure how many of you remember me but I used to be a regular here.I know Matty remembers me.Anyways, I have been experiancing somje self imposed stigma i guess you would say.1st I'll give you a quick rundown.I was married for 10 yrs to a wonderful woman who I had 3 children with.(all girls).I came out in sept of 03 and left to find myself and a new life.I met who I thought was mr.right.Long story short he never told me he had HIV till 3 months into the relationship.I stayed with him and we used protection till one night he took the condom off during sex.(sex and alcohol don't mix). I found out june 18,2004 I was poz.Since then I have created a little shell that I am trying to come out of.My status is known by many people.Hard to keep a secret in a small town.I withdrew from family and friends and all of the things I enjoy.My children ask what is wrong with me b/c I am not the happy daddy i used to be.I can't tell them this.They are way to young to handle knowing daddy is gay and has HIV.This site and the people on it helped me through the most difficult time in my life.I am trying to move forward but am unsure how.I don't know how to be comfortabale with me again.I have met a wonderful man who is also poz.His only complaint is I don't open up.The last time I trusted someone I got infected.How does one get past this? I am working with a therapist and trying to resolve this but was hoping my friends here would have some advice.I have accepted the factr that I am poz and have to take meds for the rest of my life.(tried a drug holiday didn't work).I have people at work who are nice to me but I am afraid to get close and strart a friendship b/c what if they find out?It's like I am always looking over my shoulder to see who is watching me and who will know.I knopw it's impossible in some ways but i just want to be me again.Now I just have to find that person and bring him out.Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
chris

mjmel · « **Reply #1 on:** August 03, 2007, 08:00:59 am »

Welcome Chris. Glad you have made the choice to reach out and join the forum again. I get the impression from your writing that you're a nice guy and you are not so different from the rest of us human beings.

Isolation doesn't work, does it? Every one of us deal with these fears--and I think you'd agree that fear itself can spiral out of control--and create a paranoid lifestyle. I am not going to suggest that your fears aren't real. They are.

I will say this, however: If I meet someone and through disclosure or gossip that person turns from my friendship for reasons of being HIV+ then, in reality, it's me that's LUCKY. Lucky not to be surrounded with such shallow friends & acquaintances.

If you haven't forgiven the asshole who infected you then that might help let go the oppressive ghosts of mistakes. It's hard for some; easy for others. Undoubtedly, a beneficial experience for all of us who have to deal with this virus, the stigma it carries, and the realities of what it imposes on a new lifestyle.
Just my two cents,
Mike

edited: typo

David_CA · « **Reply #2 on:** August 03, 2007, 08:49:22 am »

Hi Chris,

Welcome, if I didn't say it back when you first joined. I think you're experiencing what a lot of us do initially. It almost sounds like YOU need to accept that you are HIV+, that you most likely will need to take meds for life, and that those two things are the only things that are different about you. I know that same two things are different about me now, but I also have an AIDS diagnosis to go along with those. I'm still the same person with the same quirks and the same good qualities as before. Sure, we may feel differently about things, but I think that's just part of the game (diagnosis with an incurable disease and a nasty stigma). Often, we're MUCH harder on ourselves than we need to be and that others would be (but sometimes not). Sure, you trusted somebody and became HIV+. How many times have you trusted others and good things happened? Another way to look at it is that you trusted the guy and became infected with the HIV virus; it won't happen again, since you've already got it!

Take care.

David

Matty the Damned · « **Reply #3 on:** August 03, 2007, 09:06:25 am »

Chrissy!

Matty the Damned is delighted that you're posting again. You've gotta get your dainty butt back on Skype and talk dirty with your Aussie Boi.

Oh and post more too.

MtD

Dragonette · « **Reply #4 on:** August 03, 2007, 11:36:48 am »

Hi,

I know how you feel. I also have people who know and people who don't and with those who don't I never feel 100% comfortable. Like tonight I am invited to go to dinner with my BF and his work buddies, but I think I will skip it and have him go alone. Yep I isolate. It hurts but so does feeling an outsider.

However, I do know that the vast majority of these people, even if they did know, after an initial shock, would be cool with it. When people know you and like you, if they do end up finding out, they accept it much better. That has been my experience so far. I once told a girl who was so shocked, she didn't beleive me and I had to show her the borochure from my meds that I happened to have on hand. And then, when we kiss goodbye (normal here to kiss on the cheek hallo & bye) she was really wierd, so much so that I had to email her and remind her that there is now way I could infect her. But now she is totally cool with it. so i guess what i'm saying is, we can't predict nor obviously control people's reactions, but we can be surprised, even after a disappointment, to see them come around. I am not suggesting you out yourself to all your friendly collegues at this point, just that you mix with people who like you, and when the time is right, if you feel like it, let them know. And if not... then not. And if they happen to find out and get wierd, well, you will have a good excuse not to have told them in the 1st place.

As for the love thang, great that you found it!! And I would totally go with it. Turst me I know how scared s***less you are because I am also in a wonderful relationship (the only one I had in fact) and I am so scared, as a poz you feel so much more vulnerable. I am so scared of getting hurt. But you have to go along with it. You have to take the good things that life throws at you too, after all, we pick up all the bad things on the way, so whay not the good ones?

As for the kids, you may tell them later on, but "what's wrong daddy?", I always have and still bug my dad with that, he is always overworked and seems stressed and preoccupied. Most dads are unfortunately in our achievement oriented society, and I guess your kids are just at the stage where they start noticing. there are so many things to make a dad sad. For sure, my dad didn't share with us that he was sad about his sick and dying parents, stressed about work, or maybe experiencing marital problems. And that is the way of the world. dads don't share with their kids why they might be sad...

Hope you'll feel better,

bear60 · « **Reply #5 on:** August 03, 2007, 01:16:00 pm »

Thanks for the introduction Chris. You sure have a plateful but it sounds like you are dealing with everything pretty well. It takes time and you need to invest plenty of time in your new relationship.

Dan J. · « **Reply #6 on:** August 03, 2007, 01:18:53 pm »

Chris is from the old forums and I'm glad to see you back posting again. I read your reply in my SSDI thread & am happy to hear you are pursuing a nursing career. Good luck!

Keep Postin',

Dan

anniebc · « **Reply #7 on:** August 03, 2007, 05:23:58 pm »

Hi Chris

I remember you well from the old days and it's good to see you posting again.

You took a big step back in Seprember 03 and that shows that you do have the strength to move forward and I'm sure you will find that strength again in your own time.

Welcome back

Hugs
Jan

Cliff · « **Reply #8 on:** August 03, 2007, 05:25:55 pm »

Welcome back.

RapidRod · « **Reply #9 on:** August 03, 2007, 06:59:28 pm »

Welcome back Chris.

Queen Tokelove · « **Reply #10 on:** August 03, 2007, 07:11:57 pm »

Nice to meet you, Chris....

Iggy · « **Reply #11 on:** August 03, 2007, 07:57:41 pm »

Quote from: chrism1973 on August 03, 2007, 07:15:57 am

I have met a wonderful man who is also poz.His only complaint is I don't open up.The last time I trusted someone I got infected.How does one get past this?

With small steps and complete honesty about what you are feeling the entire time.

Some may say you are being unfair to the new guy, but I really think it's a matter of being unfair to yourself. I say as one who has been there - being too worried that the new or next person will hurt you also can keep you from allowing them to love you.

I'm glad you are seeing the therapist about it and I'm very pleased you found a wonderful man.

Welcome home btw

BT65 · « **Reply #12 on:** August 03, 2007, 09:05:53 pm »

Hey Chris-
Welcome back. I had a really hard time accepting the fact that I'm poz, back when I was diagnosed. I think the only thing that helped me was time, therapy and friends and family who cared about the real me. Maybe the therapist could give you some pointers about opening up with your current beau. I'm not afraid of who knows now. As I've gotten older and have lived with this for quite awhile, my life is like an open book.
Hang in there and be gentle with yourself.
Peace-
Betty

Nadine · « **Reply #13 on:** August 03, 2007, 10:10:08 pm »

Welcome back Chris! Good to see you back here and posting again.

milker · « **Reply #14 on:** August 03, 2007, 10:18:30 pm »

Hi Chris, nice to meet you, thank you for sharing your story

Milker.

chrism1973 · « **Reply #15 on:** August 04, 2007, 07:12:40 am »

Thank you for your responces.It's nice to be back here.Thank you for the welcome backs its good to see old friends and make new ones.It may take me awhile to get comfy posting again but I am sure that will soon pass.

Chris

Dragonette · « **Reply #16 on:** August 04, 2007, 10:57:05 am »

Quote from: Iggy on August 03, 2007, 07:57:41 pm

being too worried that the new or next person will hurt you also can keep you from allowing them to love you.

so true and so well said. Thanks 4 that

MoltenStorm · « **Reply #17 on:** August 04, 2007, 11:10:41 am »

Nice to meet you, Chris.

MSPspud · « **Reply #18 on:** August 07, 2007, 09:07:38 am »

Welcome back. I remember you from before.

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Author Topic: A intro to me (thanks Bear) (Read 4832 times)

Dan J.