Today I have been knowingly living with HIV for a year (My feelings)

[Happy1976]

Hi All

My name is Happy .
I was diagnosed on the 27th of March 2008.
When I received my results it was the saddest day of my life.
I thought I was going to die the following day, I did not.
I have never been that scared.

I do not really know when I was infected and who might have infected me
I am certain it is not my current boyfriend because we have been using condoms all along and we have been staying together for 3 years and he is HIV negative.

I gave up trying to think who might have infected me,what makes me mad sometimes is I had  few partners,long term relationships and I do not want to think that someone I loved could have infected me. Even though I know I am responsible for my health and wellbeing, but still.

I was bitter , I am not going to lie.
Sometimes I still get sad and even angry 
Now I go on for days without being nagged by the feeling that I am living with the virus.

I have only told my boyfriend , the 2 doctors (the one who retested me after my 1st initial test and my HIV specialist doctor ), my friend who's mother passed away about a few years back because of HIV.When I told her, I must be honest I did not expect the reaction that I received from her, but its fine .

Is it normal to be angry and bitter and sad at the same time ?
I try so hard not be angry , bitter and sad , but it happens.
Especially when I think about the future.

In the year that I have been diagnosed , I have not been sick except flu


I will be going again for the tests on April.

Regards

Happy

[BT65]

Hey Happy,

Congratulations on making it through your first year.  In February, I had my 20th year of being diagnosed. 

Of course it's normal to feel all those feelings you described.  And I can tell you that as time continues to go on, they will get better and lessen.  It really doesn't matter who infected you; maybe that person didn't know about their status.  What's important is what you do from here on out to keep yourself healthy and have as good a life as you possibly can.

I'm glad you're here with us.  Keep talking.
 Luv,
Betty

[positivmat]

Hey Happy,
I was glad to read your post today.  I have been diagnosed for 8 weeks now and it's been hard.  I too am haunted by wondering who infected me and whether they knew if they were infected or not.  I get angry at my infector, myself and my situation.  i have good moments.  This change will further define who i am and what i will become.  It makes me feel damaged and worthless sometimes, stupid and naive, tortured, sad, weak and angry.  I went to get my first tests since I was put on atripla a month ago.  I left the lab tearing up at where i am in my life now.  I hope to have days where i don't think about my status like i do now.  It was good to hear that you are in a better place.  Thank you,
Matt

[Ann]

Matt,

You shouldn't be posting in this forum. Please read this thread.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Ann

[bobean]

I was infected 14 years ago by my live in boyfriend we dealt with it and said we'd be together through thick and thin, sickness and in health,the following year on the anniversary of my diagnosis, he put a bullet through his heart.So much for being there. I've been living alone for some time,and I like it(would rather live alone,than wish I did). But I'm well,happy,and am going to be for many years to come..By the way, I just turned 61.Am a mom and grandma.

[Happy1976]

Hi

Thanks Betty and Bobean 
The years you have lived are a manifestation to me that one can live longer.
I will remember you guys , when I am clouded with feelings of uncertainty, anger and self hate.


With luv,
Happy

[Veritee]

I am just so sorry Bobean

and Happy it gets a lot easier I have found even in the short time I have known about my HIV which is just a bit longer than you have.

My husband and I found out we had HIV about 19 months ago and due to him being unfaithful several years ago.

he was very ill with PCP and his first thought was to kill himself

I do not feel that way 'AT ALL' and am determined to live and live well with this and persuaded him to try to do the same.

So the same as your partner Bobean he promises to be 'together through thick and thin, sickness and in health' but I am aware that while we are both fairly well and doing OK on Atripla that it is proving harder for him than for me .

So I am aware that he too could choose to take this path. For my husband it is the shame he feels about getting HIV while in an over 20 year marriage and giving it to me when I have always been faithful sexually .

I will continue to try to keep his spirits up and while I was very angry at first I hold him no anger now.
I have lived alone before we married - until my 30s  - and as he was a seaman I have lived alone even when married so I have no fears about that - but he is a good man and deserves to live and enjoy his life.

But reading your story makes me so very sad although I fully understand how this can happen and that it may yet happen to us
But it also give me joy that you are now happy and living your life well and for so many years.

I intend to do the same whatever happens

Veritee XX