Emotional abuse...

[karry]

  What is emotional abuse?
   I am asking this question because the definition of emotional abuse I find online is pretty confusing. I have also read a very interesting article about 'dating a loser' which outlines some characteristics of people who emotionally abuse their partners....
   Felt like throwing this to the forum to have your point of view.
   Thank you...
    K.

[next2u]

wow, big open question.

the silent treatment. anything used as a weapon, has an impact and does not rely upon physical contact. distance as punishment, not touching, harsh words, belittling, etc...

there are a lot of different forms of emotional abuse. they all suck.

[Rev. Moon]

So many things could be categorised as emotional abuse... Repeatedly inflicting guilt upon someone (for example, if I try to relate this to "Living with HIV"... "you got this 'cause you behaved irresponsibly" or "I have sacrificed my entire life for you and this is how you repay me").  Using hurtful, demeaning words on someone who has self-esteem issues or suffers from depression.  Using fear or threats as weapons ("You are going to end up alone in this world" or "I will hurt myself if you do this or that...").  Ignoring the existence/importance or consistently giving secondary priority to people that we claim to love.  And many other actions/words should qualify in this category.  Simply ugly and hard to identify sometimes, especially 'cause it may come from the ones we love the most.  

In the end, as in all other forms of abuse, one needs to break away from the perpetrator; forgiving and sticking around only empowers them to continue.  

[joemutt]

when you notice abuse you should make it clear quickly you won't accept any of it.
or leave.

[mecch]

Ah Joemutt, easier said, then done. Live an learn.

[joemutt]

Ah Joemutt, easier said, then done. Live an learn.

Exactly. You learn and then you act. Move on.

[sdguyloveslife]

when you notice abuse you should make it clear quickly you won't accept any of it.
or leave.

Unfortunately, it's not that easy.  "Blanket statements" like yours often come from people who have not been victimized by this type of abuse - it's SO much harder when you're in the thick of it!  Oftentimes, the abuse starts out very subtle - almost unnoticed - and progresses over time.  Interestingly enough, the "abuser" often doesn't even understand that his/her actions are abusive. 

To the OP - Like the other posters said, you are asking a very broad question and emotional abuse comes in many forms, and as I mentioned above, it is often so subtle, we don't even recognize it until the damage is already done.  Perhaps you could be more specific?  Are you being abused or being made feel guilty because of HIV? 

I'd suggest you check out the "self-help" section of your local bookstore (or library) and browse some books there.  There's literally TONS of books on this subject on various forms of emotional abuse, emotional blackmail, manipulation, etc...  If you're being emotionally abused, you will probably identify it within minutes of browsing these types of books.  Then, your big question will be "what are you going to do about it?" 

[Rev. Moon]

Unfortunately, it's not that easy.  "Blanket statements" like yours often come from people who have not been victimized by this type of abuse - it's SO much harder when you're in the thick of it!  Oftentimes, the abuse starts out very subtle - almost unnoticed - and progresses over time.  Interestingly enough, the "abuser" often doesn't even understand that his/her actions are abusive.

Very valid points SDguy.  With all due respect to Joemutt, a statement like "just leave your abuser" is sort of in line with saying "oh, just snap out of it!" to someone who suffers from depression.

And let us not forget that emotional/psychological abuse usually comes along with some form of codependence.  It takes time and work to break away (especially when family, very close friends, or lovers are involved).  It's not like the abuse is going to come from someone who is unimportant to the victim.

[Joe K]

Being a survivor of domestic violence, I would say that emotional abuse is anything a person does to make you feel inferior or somehow defective as a person.  I'm not talking about constructive criticism, I mean words and/or actions that are hurtful to you and even after you tell them that fact, the abuse continues.  I strongly suggest you visit a library and scan a book on domestic violence.  It will describe the entire cycle and if you see yourself in any of it, you know it is time to get the hell out.  If you need to go, I understand how difficult it may be, but you have no choice.  It took me almost four months to get rid of my ex, because we lived together and he had a right to live there... until I convinced a judge that he no longer had that right, because of his abusing me.

My gut tells me, you already know the answer to your question, otherwise why would you ask it.  When I think of relationships, no matter what kind, I never see a place for any kind of abuse.  Once I could admit that my ex CHOSE to abuse me, my life became so much easier.  I stopped second guessing myself and reconnected with people he had isolated me from and so much more.  Please do not wait if you believe you are being subjected to any kind of abuse.  Learn as much as you can and if necessary, formulate an escape plan, pick a opportunistic time and then go.  Do what you have to, because you are protecting you and at this point, the other person involved needs to removed from your life.

[karry]

I did raise the topic because I believe I am dealing with emotional abuse now....and like some of you rightly pointed out its very subtle....really subtle...no name calling, nothing physical....but I do have the gut feeling that its what I am being subjected to. If I need a hug, I am told I am an overemotional individual....if I am feeling depressed he sees no reason why I should be depressed...when  his mum calls and wants to talk to me, he says he does not understand why she asks for me..and there are a lot more examples....If I ask why he is not affectionate towards me , he tells me he is not an emotional person and does not believe in things like that.

Its not easy to leave immediately, because I love this person, though its hurting me...but I believe developing a strategy is the best way to go out...
Thanks for the feedback and the advice

[mecch]

Take that list of points back to your lover and say that you are not content with the status quo, and the relationship cannot be 100% determined by his needs and aversions.  If he's willing to see that, then you can work on it and learn to compromise more - each get and give a little.  If he won't budge, you should budge out the door and find all your friends to help you with the heartbreak that will follow when you leave him permanently.

[sdguyloveslife]

Take that list of points back to your lover and say that you are not content with the status quo, and the relationship cannot be 100% determined by his needs and aversions.  If he's willing to see that, then you can work on it and learn to compromise more - each get and give a little.  If he won't budge, you should budge out the door and find all your friends to help you with the heartbreak that will follow when you leave him permanently.

This is a good suggestion to start. 

However, please allow me to offer a caveat from my own experience...  My ex was emotionally abusive - and when I went to him with such "lists" of my concerns, needs, etc... we would talk it out and things would be great for a couple weeks.  Inevitably, it would always revert back to the same abuse within a short period of time.  One time, I even convinced him to join me in therapy, as in relationship/couples counseling, and that was great for the first couple sessions.  Suddenly, when we started to uncover "his" issues, he suddenly felt like things were "good again" and that he didn't need to be in my therapy appointments any longer.  Again, it was sheer bliss for a couple weeks, and then things would always drift back to the way they were. 

In some ways, I know I am just as guilty for keeping the abuse going.  I grew up Catholic and even though I'm also gay and thought I rejected their teachings, "divorce" was not in my vocabulary.  I was determined to do whatever it took to make this relationship a success.  Even my closest friends had told me for years to "get out" and then eventually I just covered up his abuse and stopped talking to them about it.  Unfortunately, the abuse never did stop, in fact, it just got worse and eventually got physical (which actually made it easier for me to finally leave, although I don't recommend waiting that long).  To make a long story short, one night it all culminated in a firestorm of physical abuse and fearing for my life, I called 911 and they saved me that night.  I never went back after that night (after his best friend posted bail).  Yeah, I probably spent much longer in that miserable relationship than was necessary.  I sure did learn a lot and I'm grateful to still be here today! 

[rick21007]

I think of emotional abuse as having someone trigger negative emotions for the purpose of control and manipulation. 

For those of us who grew up in emotionally abusive families it is not so easy to recognize emotional abuse when it occurs--whether as the purp or victim.

rick

[the trebmeister]

what a bunch of sissies (in a jocular, not literal sense)!

emotional abuse occurs when your mother tells you she will be dead soon -- and you're 3 years old and think your life is crumbling and the bitch is perfectly healthy.  it occurs when your parents have violent arguments but you are too young to understand what's going on, so you take responsibility.  emotional abuse is when in 6th grade your twin brother sides with fag-bashers and gleefully joins in hurling epithets.   it happens when your mother chooses you of her 4 children as her favorite although you never asked for the honor or distinction... and even as adults your siblings whine you were "Mom's favorite," as if that ever helped in any aspect of your life.

emotional abuse carries on into adulthood where you have no "normal" reference to go by so find your relationships are tainted with the crap experienced as a child and adolescent.   i've had 1 lover with whom i could work out this bs but most could not deal --- damaged goods aren't worth bothering with.

i know. 

[water duck]

"damaged goods" put back together with loving tender care might have a better 2nd life.
problem is that we sometimes prohibit ourselves for that to happen.

emotional abuse/wounds do not heal like physical ones , there are "scar tissues" the eyes cannot see. it does take more time and care.

therefore , it is best to find trusted friends who know you well and can understand, as coming here to discuss such a ambiguous subject may subject yourselves to phrases or words wrongly used or placed , you just might feel "more defeat"  than before coming here.

sdguyloveslife, FYI  joemutt had been "brought out so far" and he has "came back" to tell about it, listening up just might make you that much wiser. i guess when he has time , he just might write a book or two about the subject.