Denial and giving up

[WhereIsTheArk]

I'll admit, I have this denial within myself that I fight off everyday. I've been poz for less than two years. I don't know why I still have these demons, I thought I 'd get past that point by now.

Recently, I was in the hospital for two and a half weeks after overdosing on sleeping pills. Some woman I never even associated with somehow learned of my HIV status, and began telling everybody, to stay away from me because I'm contagious, and a bunch of other really fucked up shit. She also got my older sister involved by telling people she was positive too, which she's not. I feel guilty for that too because she doesn't have to go through what I deserve to. and now everybody knows!

I had the entire day to think about what had occurred, got drunk to numb the shock and my new found fear, hoping it would, but I just gave up at that point. It didn't help.

I contacted a lawyer, and she said there would be a case against that woman only if it weren't true, but it is so there's nothing they can legally do. Personally, I think that's absolute bullshit because now my life is totally fucked up and I don't know what to do. I isolate in my room all day in fear that I'll see someone I know, because now they probably know too.

I hate myself, and I feel like a zombie, a living breathing zombie of sorts. I can't bear to experience all of the changes I'm now going to have to adapt to. Everybody is scared of me or is repulsed by me. I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE! I won't stand the rejection from others of my existence.

I'm damaged goods, I'll always be alone. Nobody wants to be around a walking illness. that's all i am in reality. It's hard enough that I'm gay, now I'm HIV positive?! I've fulfilled my own fucking stereotype! just contributing to the hatred of homosexuals as if there wasn't enough already. I'm a setback to the gay community, the human community. an example of what not to be when you grow up.

Also, I hate how it only took my first love to kill me, to tarnish the little goodness left in my life, right when I was putting my life back in order, finally for the first time things were actually kind of good.. I try to be happy, laugh and pretend everything's ok, but it's not. it won't be good ever again. But

I don't want to live a life where I'm a hazard to other people. where every time i fall romantically with someone I REALLY admire, i always have to stop at a certain point and cut ties with them before we go too far in the relationship. because I don't need the hatred from another person, the same I feel for myself already. cause deep inside I despise myself to the highest degree. I look at myself in the mirror with absolute disgust, and I just recently just got over the fear of my own blood.

It's too much for me and it's too much for my family to handle. I don't want to subject them to this any longer. I won't

[jkinatl2]

I hope you can talk to a professional about this. You are carrying far too many burdens on your shoulders. Two years positive, on meds (and having adherence problems), diagnosed with AIDS-related dementia, and this whole family thing are beyond what anyone should have to go through. I can understand now your desire to find a spiritual path, even one as extreme as a 40 day water fast.

I hope you can get this stuff sorted out, so that you can be in the right frame of mind, when the time is right, to have that child you want. No one ought to go through this world alone, and this site is a wonderful place full of caring people, who are bound by the same virus, and offer real love and support.

This really is by far the best site on the internet for that sort of stuff.

Do you happen to know your latest numbers? Are they trending upward or downward? Have you talked to your doctor about the adherence issue, or this depression? I honestly think that such despair ought to be brought to the attention of someone who can physically be there, and give you the direction you need.

As I am sure you are aware, given your time on these boards, that an HIV diagnosis is by no means the death sentence it was fifteen, even ten years ago. I hope you have taken the time to read the LESSONS section and can come to a place where you realize that you are NOT a hazard to other people, and that real and honest relationships are not only possible, they are commonplace.

Life is too short to go it alone. I hope you can find the help that you need.

[mecch]

1)I'm damaged goods, I'll always be alone. Nobody wants to be around a walking illness. that's all i am in reality.

2) It's hard enough that I'm gay, now I'm HIV positive?!

3) I've fulfilled my own fucking stereotype! just contributing to the hatred of homosexuals as if there wasn't enough already. 4) I'm a setback to the gay community, the human community. an example of what not to be when you grow up.

Your post is one strong statement after another. Every sentence seems to have a negative, pessimistic, value laden point.  Its too much to take on all at once, for yourself, or the reader. So I'll reply to one little paragraph.

1 - you are not damaged. Would you consider yourself damaged with any other health challenge?  Something I am sure of - this idea that you will always be alone is a perception in your mind and not anything to do with possibilities of relationships in life.  Anyone can find companionship - lover, boyfriend, husband - or even friendships - despite any life challenge.  Tons of HIV+ people find love and companionship.  Ton of HIV- people do NOT see HIV+ as walking illnesses.  And some of the people who are more scared or ignorant about the disease, these days, STILL do NOT reduce someone with HIV to a walking illness.  That leaves a bunch of jerks who might see you as walking illness and nothing but. But do you want to ALSO think like these jerks?


2) I agree that its a bummer. But as you get more mature and more secure you will see being gay is just a fact and not your whole identity nor challenge in life.  You have family, community, professional identities, your many interests which have nothing to do with sexuality, as well.  Also some gays see being gay as a gift, not a problem.   So really it is possible to also turn around the perception of being HIV+ to just another fact, to take away a lot of the weighty weighty value judgments and emotions.

3) and 4)  Well I can relate to that gut reaction - oh lord another HIV+ gay person - i was pretty disappointed in myself when I turned HIV+.  But I don't think the Gay Community is a monolithic block of thinking and values, and I don't think being HIV+ disappoints ANY community, really, except maybe some kind of religious fundamentalist community.     Being HIV+ does not disappoint the gay community but the gay community of course can be frustrated if infection rates continue to be so high.  However, the gay community also knows there is much more statistical risk of contact with HIV, simply because there is more in the community.  Also, there are people who argue that making mistakes in sticking to safesex is human, hetero and homo, male and female, and in between, everyone makes these mistakes.  

Listen, a virus has no morals.  HIV is a virus - that's the end of it. Really.  Living a pleasant life is within your reach but you need help to see how warped your view of life is, right now.  

[Theyer]

Hello wita,
meech and jk have responded with kindness and sense. I would hope that if you have been discharged from hospital after your suicide attempt that you have some on going back up, please use it as within your post you indicate that life has been better for you and you are aware off having to deal with your own demons. You also know from reading these posts your view off your self is not the universal view off HIV.  I am not for one moment thinking that the person gossipping about you and your sister is not an awful thing to deal with. But by striving to deal with your demons and live the life that you have in past enjoyed more will be the most effective response to such malicious cruelty. Take care and let us know whats happening.
t

[wolfter]

If these forums had existed 20+ years ago, this would have sounded very much like something I would have posted.  Just reaching out, you've taken steps in the right direction.  We all bring our personal experiences, spiritual beliefs, family expectations, etc... into our diagnosis.  My initial reaction was very similar to yours.  I thought; "great, another queer with AIDS".  Not going to offer a bunch of platitudes, but it can and will get better if you want it to.  You don't need to spend years suffering the same problems that I (and I assume a lot of others) subjected myself to.  The temporary fixes only lead to compounded permanent problems.

Please feel free to contact me.  My heart ached reading your post as I recalled my own internal demons.

Greg

[natthai]

Recently, I was in the hospital for two and a half weeks after overdosing on sleeping pills.

What pills did you try to overdose on? I ask because one of my freinds also tried the same thing after he found his diagnosis. He did not take enough to kill himself, instead I think the reason why he did it was because he just wanted to sleep. He wanted to forget everything, have peace. Of course it didn't work and he woke up, luckily for him he didn't take enough to cause any serious injury. He had already had a behzodiazepine addiction prior to his infection and I think the two issues (drug addiction and hiv infection) are quite related.

I am glad you had  the courage to talk about this issue. I think it is more common than we are willing to admit. I also had a period where I felt hopeless and didn't want to go on but luckily I passed though it. I hope you will too.

[AaronbytheC]

Your post tugs at my heart!  You are in such pain and I wish I could give you a big hug and reassure you that it will be OK!   
Being 20 and gay is hard enough, but 20, gay and HIV is monumental! 
I agree with others that talking about it, even if just online is a big first step to dealing with these demons.  Professional help is truly the best, however if that not an option keep looking to other outlets to release!  Posting here is great first step, however one thing I found that really helped me was building a small local support system.  I felt so isolated when I first found out, but I found this site and read for days!  Another thing I did was make a local friend who is also poz.  He's really become my rock in times of need when only another pozzie can understand what I'm dealing with.  I can be in a dark place but after hanging out with him for an hour for coffee the world always seems better.  Living in a small town myself I know not all areas have poz support groups or ASO's, it may seem odd, but something as simple as a Craigslist post looking for other poz guys for friendship / support.  Yes "Friendship" - leave romance out of your life for now, you are young and mister right will find you when you are both ready!  You need supportive friends now.

Keep talking, there is always someone on this site willing to listen!

What is the saying, "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem!"  It's just not the answer you're looking for... 

[jesswebb25]

Hello my name is Jessica and I would just like to telll you about my recent experience which is somewhat similar, I also just gone through denial and also depression. If you don't mind I would you to do read my story

Denial and Depression

In the past three years I was going through depression and denial. I basically wanted to kill myself, so I was acting like I didn't have anything, when the truth is I am HIV Positive. I was in so much denial that I started to actually believe it myself. So what made me go through denial and depression was the stigma that some of my closest friends and even relatives would put on me. I was only 23 at that time for someone that young it can have a big affect on the mind.

I was really careful on who I shared my status with, when I thought it was OK to tell someone say my family, they would still look at me in this disgusted way, or like all they would see was HIV across my head or they wouldn't want their children around me, when I absolutely loved and adored my little cousins. That put a lot on me too, the last person the really just set me off and literally pushed me over the edge was a friend of my moms. Well first off I never met my Biological father so my mom friend was kind of like a father to me he's known me since I was like 3 years, I always looked up to him in that way. So the last thing he told me which is what really pushed me over the edge was that " I'm imbecile, I'm not normal, and shouldn't be munching off of people" that's what he told me through a voice mail on my phone. That's what set me off, so I couldn't take it anymore.  So I stopped take my meds and threw everything that had anything to do with my status.

I basically lied to who his now my fiancée for three years, and he studied the medical field as well, so he did  know what I had, it's that every time he tried to come front me, but I would just Deny it. I deny it so much that I did started to believe it myself.

So I recently just had scare which what made broke free from my depression and denial. I was recently hospitalized with pneumocystis pneumonia. Who actually saved my life was my fiancée he's been completely supportive and really great on giving me therapy talks. Now the good thing is that I am doing a lot better now. A lot of therapy talks, and getting back on my meds.