Greeting from yet another newbie

[komnaes]

My positive test result came back only 3 days ago and I still feel strangely calm about it. I am 38 and have been sexually active for close to 2 decades. I was very careful back then - it was at the midst of the major AIDS scare and I have witnessed a few close friends faded away in the early 90s - and I thought at the time I would never make any mistakes or allow myself to slide when it came to sex. But then I had and still have many dark elements to struggle with. And of course I then became increasingly careless and even reckless, abondoning all cautions to the point that one might even say that I was "chasing" it.

So when the result came back positive I was not at all surprised. I almost felt a sense of relief, like it was a new beginning and even an opportunity for me to turn my life around! I am glad that it took me only a day to realize that I was not at all being realistic about it and in many it was just "magical" thinking. I think I can safely say that on one ever can just turn one's life around like this.

In any case I had the sense to immediately arrange an appointment to get my first big blood test the next day (yesterday) and I spoke to a professional nurse that I have come to know very well (I have known her for ten years, and that's another story I wish to share later). I don't know if I will need to immediately go on meds - but thanks from the bottom of my heart for all your stories and shared experiences - I am less worried about side efforts and all these ups and downs that are waiting for me as, by reading what's happened to you back when you were at where I am now and further down the road, I am now more psychologically prepared. The conversation with the nurse was also extremely insightful, for me, as she noted that many recently seroconverts felt the same "enlightment" - like me they felt that it was a much needed opportunity to mend the way of their "sinful" past that got them infected. But what is important, she said, is to actually keep this feeling alive.

I have more than just this feeling to keep alive - some suicidal thoughts have come back, but at least now I am still very sure that what's just happened is part of my life now, whether I like it or not. And I am happy to have found all of you - still perfect strangers - to share.

That's all I want to write now, and I am sure from now on you will read more from me.
Shaun

[chadly]

From one newbie to another,   welcome!

Keep the feeling alive and goodluck with your numbers!

Will be looking for your next post.. 

[milker]

I almost felt a sense of relief, like it was a new beginning and even an opportunity for me to turn my life around!

Interesting I felt the same sense of relief.

Welcome to the forums, Shaun.

Milker.

[xyahka]

Hi, glad to read you are doing ok, i have also felt suicidal some times... but you see, dark days never last forever.  There will be lot of shinny days yet for you and you will still enjoy the magic of being alive I can ensure you that.

Big hugs from my sunny country.

welcome to the forums!

Juan Carlos

[komnaes]

Thanks guys

I am fortunate enough to have some good friends and are able get help almost immediately. Talking to a social worker and a fellow peer counsellor helped enormously, but I am still not sure if I am feeling the impacts yet as for the last few days I felt and still feel like I am watching myself in a really bad TV series. What I mean is I am feeling like it isn't me that who's just been tested positive, it is somebody else that I am watching. Strange but I suppose not uncommon.

I know it depends very much on individual, but from my conversation with a peer counsellor last night and a social worker, it seems that there's now a sense of optimism that with all the currently available meds, one can look to very little and manageable side effects (no more massive lipodystrophy, etc) and one can almost expect to stay healthy as long as meds are taken and one's to maintain a healthy lifestyle.

It sounds too easy, isn't it? Is it all about keeping one's mind balanced and not be overcame by fears?

[milker]

I re-read your post and I relate so much to it, it's amazing. We're more or less the same age and your first and second paragraphs sounds exactly like me.

There will be a time when councellors, non-hiv+ friends, and such will not relate to your new condition. I'm glad you found the forums, you will learn a lot from there.

Milker.

[komnaes]

I re-read your post and I relate so much to it, it's amazing. We're more or less the same age and your first and second paragraphs sounds exactly like me.

There will be a time when councellors, non-hiv+ friends, and such will not relate to your new condition. I'm glad you found the forums, you will learn a lot from there.

Milker.

Thanks Milker

It's actually the same feeling I had when my father passed away some years ago - leaving me with also massive financial problems - and then 3 years ago when I broke up with my partner of 8 years. I spent weeks working, handling new problems, living life as close to being normal as possible, not exactly feeling numb but more like I was acting a script, I knew what I had to do and say and did my lines well, but it just wasn't me.

But I suppose now that at least when it comes to taking meds, etc, I think what I will do is to ignore all these BS about HIV not causing AIDS, HAART has more fatal side efforts, and for once submit myself to what the best meds have to offer now and stay as optimistic as I can about my health.

As for my psychological wel being - I have been having problems anyway so I will have plenty of time to deal with them.

Shaun

[DanielMark]

Keeping that optimism alive is one of the things I try to do too, Shaun, day by day, because we can't predict the future. Being your own best friend is important in this life, I say. Others may let you down sometimes, but if you have a good relationship with yourself you can get through nearly anything.

Welcome to the forums.

Daniel

[komnaes]

Thanks Daniel

Oh yeah, we can all expect to end up having to stay in a hospital one way or another, with or without the HIV. I still wish I could expire like my great grandma - never having to spend a single day in a hospital, she just dropped one evening while cleaning dishes at the age of 76. That was 20 years ago so she was probably above average.

I am now less scared after having read all those stories of survival and I am now more toned to accepting this as a chronic health problem that I need to manage. I am lucky to live in a city that health care is (still, touch wood) universal and I don't need to worry about insurance at all. I was just talking to my social worker again and I think for selfish reason we all need to be more proactive in educating people. We don't want to see our clinics overwhelmed!

I still have this I-am-not-me feeling (do they have a name for it? let's call it "ianom").. like I am only a witness to this. I think the reality will set in once I have some real pills to take and real side efforts to deal with.. and hopefully it won't be for a while.

Shaun

[DanielMark]

Shaun,

I am also “lucky” to live where universal health care coverage is mandated (Canada). I must remember to be grateful for that.

I also want to say that feeling of being detached is normal considering you were diagnosed only a few short days ago. Despite that feeling, I’m glad to know you’re being proactive in your health care and not having a bad reaction and fleeing into things that could hurt you even more. It’s important (to me) to be gentle with ourselves now that we have this challenging unwanted houseguest that will not leave.

Daniel

[komnaes]

Hi Daniel

I miss Canada though I am not a Canadian.. you folks have been great to me as I received a full scholarship to study there for a year long time ago. I should make a trip back soon.

The "detached" feeling I have come to learn as a survival tactic - I am feeling what I felt with my father's death and my partner breaking up with me. Actually if I have to classify the "severity" this has been been medium-high (the breakup being off-the-chart-high). I am actually managing this "crisis" better than the breakup, so far. I was able to go back to work and somewhat managed to handle a few things after the test result the next day and the following day, up to 50 percent of my usual capacity. I suppose right now I realize I need the incomes.

Another thing I have also resolved - I may change my mind - is to keep this from my mother. She's her own health issues so by telling her I know would literally kill her. My resolution is that no matter what happens she's not to know; if it is TB I come down with somehow I will tell her it's TB, or KS, or whatever. Just not HIV. Now that I have resolved this I am feeling much better.

I think the ultimate test is the time I need to start meds, feeling the side efforts or having some related medicial problems. I have been not good in dealing with being sick - just a bad flu can make me very depressed. As of now I am concentrating on who to tell and to immediately start building a support network.

What's been your experiences in getting supports Daniel?

Can I hugh you? Hugs, Shaun

[DanielMark]

My close friends and my boyfriend are my main source of support, Shaun. My family (or should I say my relatives), have been fairly useless in that department.

Yah, you can hug me but only if I can hug you back.   I'll try to send you a PM later.

Daniel