Straight doctor told me to go and finger myself 3 times daily. Need advice.

[heartforyou]

For those unaware of the background and for the other half, with nasty minds, relax : this is a scientific thread.

As you know I was told at a control visit, by the doc who removed the tumors in my rectum, that I have a "tight little asshole".
If my spirits would have been lifted at that particular moment I may have suggested him to kiss and ride* * referring to the  muscle  that closes off my tight little derriere.
Or I might have told him : how odd, you're not the first one to tell me ( I am a top, and therefore my anus has a "no entry" sign tattoed on it.)

To come to the point : I need to "massage" a raisin sized drop of ointment into my own sphincter ( in ordinary English = asshole), 3 times per day.

Now, should I do that on all four, moonlighting and cheeks spread?
Or should I sit down on the sanitary equipment, called toilet, search for my secret entrance, and then vigorously start to finger myself?
Or should I hire a nurse  to perform the act, with some Bach choir in the background, singing : "descent in me , oh holy spirit".?

The quest is on : how to get the ointment on my sphincter ?
a) providing me with the highest level of pleasure
b) massaging the ointment into my anal muscle the most effective way
c) without waking up in the middle of the night and see Godzilla sticking a huge "ointmented" finger in my butt?

This post was inspired by a more then dirty Southern mind.

Hermie
Who is recovering obviously.

[milker]

LOL

The best position is the fetus position, on your side on the bed, lather, rinse, repeat.

Please write down your experience and let us know! (Do not insert the pen with your finger).

Milker.

[izprince1984]

LOL

The best position is the fetus position, on your side on the bed, lather, rinse, repeat.

Please write down your experience and let us know! (Do not insert the pen with your finger).

Milker.

Remember to use disposable latex gloves, the rectum has E. Coli O157:H7 and it can get underneath your finger nails, also make sure to wash your hands with antibacterial soap under warm water for at least 15 seconds, being sure to get under the nails.

[milker]

Remember to use disposable latex gloves, the rectum has E. Coli O157:H7 and it can get underneath your finger nails, also make sure to wash your hands with antibacterial soap under warm water for at least 15 seconds, being sure to get under the nails.

Good point.

[RapidRod]

Hermie, Hermie, Hermie that's what friends are for. 

[Basquo]

How is the ointment packaged?  If it's in a tube, you could maybe attach a pointed applicator, like the ones that come with hemmorhoid medicines. Then once it's in there, you could insert a cotton swab and use that to agitate it into the rectal lining...

oh, Hell, just hire a butch nurse with delicate hands to show you how it's really done!

[Life]

And "Oh the Bottoms Speak Out!"

[David_CA]

Remember to use disposable latex gloves, the rectum has E. Coli O157:H7 and it can get underneath your finger nails, also make sure to wash your hands with antibacterial soap under warm water for at least 15 seconds, being sure to get under the nails.

Oh, please!  I wonder how people many wear a 'finger condom' prior to fingering an ass? 

[milker]

Oh, please!  I wonder how people many wear a 'finger condom' prior to fingering an ass? 

If the person is susceptible to infection I would definitely recommend it.

Milker.

[Miss Philicia]

I've been fingering my own ass several times a day for decades with no problem.  I call BS on that one.

[milker]

I've been fingering my own ass several times a day for decades with no problem.  I call BS on that one.

pictures?

I disagree I think it's important that you be safe when you apply the medicine, and a finger condom is a good idea. But that's just me sayin'

Milker.

[Miss Philicia]

I disagree I think it's important that you be safe when you apply the medicine, and a finger condom is a good idea. But that's just me sayin'

Milker.

Because of e. Coli from your OWN rectum?  Wouldn't you ALREADY  have e. Coli at that point from ingestion?  It just doesn't sound logical to me.

[David_CA]

Because of e. Coli from your OWN rectum?  Wouldn't you ALREADY  have e. Coli at that point from ingestion?  It just doesn't sound logical to me.

Exactly! 

[milker]

Because of e. Coli from your OWN rectum?  Wouldn't you ALREADY  have e. Coli at that point from ingestion?  It just doesn't sound logical to me.

No no, i was agreeing with the protection, not with the specific E.Coli. I said it was a good point because you want to ensure that there is no bacteria that could be on your finger while you do the application, and washing hands may not be enough for someone that may be susceptible to infections.

Milker.

[izprince1984]

Exactly! 

Oh that's so retarded I don't know whether to laugh or cry!

Anyway, EVERYONE has E. Coli in their intestines, it helps break down the food that you ate and aides the digestion process.

When you have E. Coli elsewhere in the body, THAT is when it is dangerous, and life threatening, that's one way an E. Coli outbreak can happen, say at a fast food restaurant, when an employee doesn't wash their hands after taking a shit, and then proceeds to make your cheeseburger.

The E. Coli outbreak in the spinach last year was cause the farm was getting rainwater runoff from a place where livestock was being raised, the E. Coli from the animal manure was getting into the water that washed over the spinach field.

[Miss Philicia]

sigh... in that situation it's going from one person to another

[izprince1984]

sigh... in that situation it's going from one person to another

You can catch an E. Coli infection from yourself, but I don't know why I'm arguing with someone too stupid to comprehend what I'm saying.

Anyway, I would hope that you wash your hands after you finger yourself, but just for kicks, why don't you immediately go prepare and eat a sandwich without washing your hands after each time you finger yourself.

I have an idea, why don't you take some classes that cover infection control and learn how pathogens spread?

[Miss Philicia]

Why don't you provide some links to back up your claims?  You're posted so much drivel in the last few days I'm prone now to simply dismissing everything you say automatically.  Seems I'm not the only one doing that though, but I digress.

[BT65]

Please remember izprince, you are JUST going to be a fucking CNA, not a doctor.  And how to do plan to fully support yourself on what a CNA makes???

[milker]

no seriously guys, don't you think that having a finger condom is not a viable protection? I mean if someone is susceptible to infection, isn't it better to try to do the application with a finger condom?

Milker.

[izprince1984]

Please remember izprince, you are JUST going to be a fucking CNA, not a doctor.  And how to do plan to fully support yourself on what a CNA makes???

$10.50 an hour in Huntington, Indiana?

Easily.

Most jobs around here pay around $6-$7, this town is like the welfare capital of the fucking world, I had about $6,000 in the bank when I left my last job, it paid $12.75 an hour.

People do all sorts of stupid things to get themselves in debt, like buy a brand new car they can't afford and pay interest on the payments, if people just wouldn't rack up all kinds of unnecessary debt, they could live just fine on an average wage.

[izprince1984]

no seriously guys, don't you think that having a finger condom is not a viable protection? I mean if someone is susceptible to infection, isn't it better to try to do the application with a finger condom?

Milker.

It's better to use the gloves regardless, they're cheap and there's no reason to expose yourself to disease unnecessarily.

I wear gloves when I finger people, there's all kinds of nastiness there even before you take the STD's into account.

[milker]

Jesus Christ people what is it happening today can you not stay on topic or what?

Herman is jokingly asking good questions, can we not help him answer those questions without talking about Wal-Mart? 

Milker.

[BT65]

OK, I live in Mishawaka, Indiana, and on $10.50/hr I could afford a room at the Hope Rescue Mission!

[Dan J.]

Herman,

I am laughing so damn hard I can't even give you an answer. It's good to see you having some "dirty fun!"

Dan

[Robert]

hermie....

you've been gone much too long. Obviously many of these posters don't know you.  Thank you soooo much for making me laugh....

Fuck the latex.  If it was me, I'd find some Southern Comfort and go from there.

robert

(wholovesyababy.....)

[thunter34]

You can catch an E. Coli infection from yourself, but I don't know why I'm arguing with someone too stupid to comprehend what I'm saying.

Anyway, I would hope that you wash your hands after you finger yourself, but just for kicks, why don't you immediately go prepare and eat a sandwich without washing your hands after each time you finger yourself.

I have an idea, why don't you take some classes that cover infection control and learn how pathogens spread?

I take some comfort in recognizing that, with the abusive way you speak to everyone on this board, your days here are likely numbered.

You should take comfort in that, too.  After all, in mere months you'll have your $10.50 / hr goldmine career and the world will be your oyster,  right?  You can get off food stamps and, heck...even buy some fresh latex gloves for fingering.  And you'll never have to hang out with the likes of us, people you so obviously despise, anymore.

Here's to your future, kid.

[JohnOso]

oh, Hell, just hire a butch nurse with delicate hands to show you how it's really done!

Did someone call?   

[Cerrid]

The quest is on : how to get the ointment on my sphincter ?

If I were you, I would definitely resist the temptation to wear those artificial 2'' fingernails while embalming the pirate's cave.

[water duck]

Darling,

You must squat, push like you taking a poo, and you insert at the time, do not forget to moan 

Look i got a better idea, let me bring you off to one of these cafe in Amsterdam, the first cocktail is on me !! How does " Finding lost Heaven " sound. I have no problem "deflowering" you, darling; you be assured of my tender, loving care 
Do not forget , it always hurts alittle the first time, after ............... soon you be riding my finger 

Siang

[bear60]

Hermie....ever seen a butt plug?   apply ointment to butt plug...insert butt plug.....rotate hips while watching some good Falcon video. Have fun.

[water duck]

Now bear60,

Why did i not thought about that 
Must be losing my touch 

[Andy Velez]

IZ, using terms like "stupid" and "retarded" when addressing others is not acceptable in the Forums.

You're welcome to disagree with someone's comments but you cannot usie that kind of language.

Consider yourself warned.

[northernguy]

Perhaps some kind of applicator, like this might help:


[attachment deleted by admin]

[Strayboy74]

The quest is on : how to get the ointment on my sphincter ?
a) providing me with the highest level of pleasure
b) massaging the ointment into my anal muscle the most effective way
c) without waking up in the middle of the night and see Godzilla sticking a huge "ointmented" finger in my butt?

Dear Hermie-

Don't listen to ANY of these bitches... they don't know what the fuck they're talking about...  to get the maximum benefit from the ointment, and to not damage your lovely sphinctoid, you should spread a thin layer on the kitchen linoleum, and then poodle scoot around the floor for a good 15-20 minutes.

This has worked well for me in the past.  If you need further instruction, don't hesitate to ask ME.

-joseph

[Strayboy74]

Perhaps some kind of applicator, like this might help:

is that a keychain? LOL

-joseph

[milker]

is that a keychain? LOL

-joseph

I had to check the product description because I was a bit confused too

Built for easy handling, this solid yet soft and flexible dong measures a huge 25 cm (9.75”) long with three ‘beads’ tapering from a massive 22 cm (8.5”) maximum circumference to 14 cm (5.25”). Each ‘bead’ features an extra stimulating row of pleasure studs. The 14.5 cm (5.5”) long metal link chain with easy-grasp ring offers an added degree on high style safety.

High style safety, uh..

So Herman, how's that tight little ass going?

Milker.

[bocker3]

Hi Hermie,

I had to do the ol' "greasing up the anus" too, after a couple of anal wart surgeries.  I would simply squat over a mirror -- only to see what I was doing -- NOT because I'm vain!  I then just guided my ointment covered finger in, it's a bit of an awkward postion, but it works. 
Now, you really do NOT need to worry about "infecting yourself", but you do want to be careful to wash your hands before doing this, to keep the tube from getting "dirty" and of course wash after, so that you don't spread little bits of you all around.

Happy fingering!!

Mike

[bryonut]

but what about the poppers?   

[StacheBC]

A few suggestions general suggestions... But don't go by me I'm not a doctor.

a) Turkey baster (if you need to apply a lot of cream...)
b) Put a little bit on your finger and just say "Bottoms up".
c) Go to local pharmacy and ask for an in store demo
d) If you apply too much, don't forget to blot

Doei XX
Mauricio.