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Main Forums => AIDS Activism => Topic started by: sharkdiver on September 05, 2007, 10:15:34 am

Title: My silent activism / self-healing
Post by: sharkdiver on September 05, 2007, 10:15:34 am
Hey there, I just wanted to share something. Something small, but something powerful for me that happened this Labor Day Weekend.

        To give a little background: My partner died in my arms almost 2 1/2 years ago. It had a been a difficult, horrific experience leading up to that (i really don't need to go into that, but for those of you who have been a witness to someone you love, or anyone,  dying of AIDS, you probably understand) Meanwhile here in Sacramento, there had been a huge surge in ant-gay, pro-"hetero marriage only " protests from the Slavic and evangelical "churches".  You can only imagine the hateful messages against gay and lesbians that were being displayed in public events and even more sickening; having their young 3-5 year old children holding signs and yelling.

      I used to get so angry when I saw even a  bumper sticker from one of these groups.  Every time I pulled back into the hospital  parking lot the  last 2 months of my partner's life I would see a van with one of these bumper stickers. I used to just rage!! I even wanted to track down the owner of this vehicle and scream at them, embarrass them, hurt them.  How dare they proclaim that  it was a sin, when I was sacrificing everything I had in me (my energy, my soul, my heart, my existence) to care for , to love, and to comfort my partner while he was lying in a bed suffering unimaginably! How dare they proclaim my relationship was evil.

   So this past weekend I drove by the street fair and noticed a group of protesters standing in front of the entrance;  holding signs, taking pictures of people.
Suddenly, I got this urge to do something. I didn't know what.  Maybe go stand next to one of the men and make lewd comments . No, that's not it(although some of those Russian boys were kinda cute  lol! )  Then I just walked up to the group and stood next to one of them holding one end of a banner. ... He moved over... I moved over
this went on for a few minutes. The whole group moved over. I moved over... not saying anything. Trying to be aware of what I was feeling, standing next to people that were preaching such hate.    They moved over.. I moved over.    one of the un-Christian men yelled to the man I was standing next to "if he is making you feel uncomfortable tell him "no" 3x and you can get him arrested." "You are feeling uncomfortable aren't you?"     Was I feeling threatened or did I feel fear about  getting arrested? no, I didn't care about that. But , what was I feeling?...... The groups organizer looked a little nervous, he suggested they move across the street, they did.... I did.  Other people, going to the street fair were yelling obscenities at the protesters, which seemed to egg the anti-sodomy club on, fueling the fire.  How did I feel about that?... I continued in my silence, just noticing how people were reacting to each other and what I was feeling.     One man kept asking me if I wanted to be interviewed. that I could be on U-tube.     The others began saying that my behavior was vile to their god. That what I was doing was forbidden in their bible.  hmm
What behavior? standing here in silence? not reacting? I didn't understand.... I moved to stand in front of another person... he pushed me away with his sign, but I stood firm.   What did I notice? what did I feel?  I then stood in front of him and looked into his eyes. He couldn't look at me.  I felt something.  I stood in front of another and looked into his eyes, he briefly looked into mine and then looked down.  I felt the same thing.   Then  I  GOT IT.

I felt their fear, I felt their hate  but it didn't infect me. It couldn't infect me. I didn't allow it to infect me. For some reason I closed my eyes started praying (Buddah, Jesus, Ganesha, Shiva, oh and a whole host of deities) , silently, for support for their healing (What? you say) yeah  i was praying for the enemy!  For some reason that appeared to make them feel very uncomfortable. I noticed they were reading some obscure bible passages and shouting terrible things to me, but I stayed fast in my meditation until they disbanded.   

What a relief for me, how freeing it was. All this anger that had been stored for all these years (from the time I was infected until now 24ish years later) had been changed, transmuted. It is incredible how much fear and anger takes up your energy.   

Would I do this again?  Maybe
Would I invite more people to do this? Maybe

everyone is on their own journey but hopefully we end up in the same place.

well I need to feed the doggies.

sharkdiver
Title: Re: My silent activism / self-healing
Post by: Ann on September 05, 2007, 10:30:41 am
Shark,

That's fantastic, it really is. Gandhi would be proud - and I am too. Way to go! Thanks so much for sharing this cathartic moment in your life.

Hugs,
Ann
xxx
Title: Re: My silent activism / self-healing
Post by: emeraldize on September 06, 2007, 09:02:30 am
SD
Thank you for sharing this with us.
Em
Title: Re: My silent activism / self-healing
Post by: xyahka on September 06, 2007, 10:16:49 am
Great post!!

To promote hate is a sin, i hope these people learnt a bit that what they are doing is not right.
I am really proud of you and believe me this was a great lesson for me and for them.

send you strong hugs, you are great!!

Juan Carlos
Title: Re: My silent activism / self-healing
Post by: MOONLIGHT1114 on September 06, 2007, 10:31:28 am
Its great to read of so much power coming from you without you even saying a word.  Yes, I love the shock factor, and you definitely had that going on, by not speaking a word.  You looked into their eyes and they looked away?  Awesome.  Who is the guilty one here?  Certainly not you.

It was great to read of this experience you had!

~Cindy
Title: Re: My silent activism / self-healing
Post by: Dragonette on September 06, 2007, 11:01:02 am
Amazing. Thanks for sharing
Title: Re: My silent activism / self-healing
Post by: Atripla_User on September 06, 2007, 01:02:39 pm
you are so brave, hopfully they will rethink their hate
Title: Re: My silent activism / self-healing
Post by: Jerry71 on September 06, 2007, 01:10:17 pm
Shark thanks for writing this and taking a stand. :'(
Title: Re: My silent activism / self-healing
Post by: Moffie65 on September 06, 2007, 01:15:42 pm
Shark,

Welcome to these forums, I trust you will feel free to share this journey you are on more often.

Gee, Sacratomato has changed since the days of Jerry Brown I see. 

Your incredible experience this last weekend, was a gift that you have shared with us and I am so very grateful.  Thank You.  What you share here can so easily be focused at the incredible prejudice that is also applied to men and women who have HIV, and I trust some will gain strength from your so very moving account of this gift you were given. 

Love,
Title: Re: My silent activism / self-healing
Post by: Dan J. on September 06, 2007, 01:37:44 pm
Thank your for sharing this.

Dan
Title: Re: My silent activism / self-healing
Post by: milker on September 06, 2007, 01:57:09 pm
Thank you for your actions. Your post will be an inspiration to me when the situation arises where I live.

Milker.
Title: Re: My silent activism / self-healing
Post by: jack on September 06, 2007, 02:00:55 pm
huh?
Title: Re: My silent activism / self-healing
Post by: DanielMark on September 06, 2007, 02:21:26 pm
Bravo, SD!

You silently shamed each of those guys with their own hate. That took a lot of guts.

Daniel
Title: Re: My silent activism / self-healing
Post by: Andy Velez on September 06, 2007, 03:00:42 pm
Well, WELL done, Shark.

It does take courage when your heart and body can't help trembling sometimes. Like Ann, Gandhi was proof to me of the power each of us has to cause change non-violently.

Be well and keep on going where your heart and your spirit lead you. When I handed out flyers this past Friday at a reggae concert I said "love the music, stop the hate," there were a lot of hard faces on both men and women. I thanked every person who was willing to take a flyer and even some who weren't. It only took an hour out of my evening and it was so satisfying. 

Big cheers, friend.
Title: Re: My silent activism / self-healing
Post by: cjc on September 06, 2007, 03:27:45 pm
Moving story, thank you for sharing it with us.  Cristy
Title: Re: My silent activism / self-healing
Post by: AlanBama on September 06, 2007, 03:28:20 pm
Great story, sharkdiver!   Thanks for telling it to us.

hugs,

Alan
Title: Re: My silent activism / self-healing
Post by: anniebc on September 06, 2007, 05:49:38 pm
Hi Shark

What a wonderful moment that must have been for you, to actually set yourself free from all the anger you had stored up over the years..thank you so much for sharing your story


Hugs
Jan :-*

Title: Re: My silent activism / self-healing
Post by: Iggy on September 06, 2007, 10:33:02 pm
I'm not that strong
Title: Re: My silent activism / self-healing
Post by: mikeyleerocks on September 06, 2007, 10:39:58 pm
Thank you for your courage!

Non-violent activism is the absolute best response in most every single situation.  The ability to make people stop and think about why they hate is always more powerful than reacting.  BRAVO!

Title: Re: My silent activism / self-healing
Post by: allanq on September 06, 2007, 10:51:47 pm
sharkdiver,

Thank you for telling your story. I admire you very much for your courage.

Allan
Title: Re: My silent activism / self-healing
Post by: aztecan on September 07, 2007, 01:29:01 am
Ann was right, Ghandi would be proud.

Thank you for sharing that with us. Your courage and thoughtful attitude are much appreciated.

HUGS,

Mark
Title: Re: My silent activism / self-healing
Post by: Matty the Damned on September 07, 2007, 04:59:27 am
Shark,

Matty the Damned applauds you for your courageous stand. As you've learned and shown there is much to be said for masterly inaction.

With fondest regards,

MtD
Title: Re: My silent activism / self-healing
Post by: btobaby on September 07, 2007, 09:39:27 am
Wow! A powerful post! I feel stronger because of you. Thank-you.
Title: Re: My silent activism / self-healing
Post by: sharkdiver on September 12, 2007, 10:08:13 am
 Thank you, all of you, for your comments even the "huh?" one  ;)

  I have lived so long with this disease and much of my life in isolation. I tried to live my life below the radar and avoid conflict and confrontation. I remember watching Ryan White on the news and realizing that he was only a few years younger than me and we both had this disease. I chose to hide in fear, he chose a path of courage and truth that I couldn't even comprehend at the time. But no longer.

   My actions weren't to shame or hurt anyone, although it was apparent that their (the protester's) arsenal of "hate rhetoric" wasn't working me and they were confused and moved quickly to disband. I am certainly not in anyway comparing myself to Ryan (or Gandhi, lol) but I realized a few weeks ago I took a teeny, tiny step in changing this world. The change happened in me and there is no turning back now.

Thank you all for allowing me to reach out and share,

sharkdiver
Title: Re: My silent activism / self-healing
Post by: Ann on September 12, 2007, 10:28:19 am
Hi again Shark!

A "teeny-tiny" step? It looked like a big stride to me! Another of my favourite Gandhi quotes is "be the change you wish to see" and that is exactly the type of step you took. Thank you for being an inspiration, thank you for making a difference.

And isn't it a great feeling when you have a personal breakthrough like this? Kinda scary, kinda exhilarating, and very empowering.

Another saying, but I don't know who to attribute it to:

A journey of one thousand miles starts with a single step.

Hugs,
Ann
xxx
Title: Re: My silent activism / self-healing
Post by: sharkdiver on September 19, 2007, 10:50:12 am
Well I guess my journey has started  :D

Does anyone have any suggestions or guidance as to what to do/ where to go next with this newly found strength?


Sharkdiver
(who is really in need of a scuba fix right now)