POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: CowboyPOZ on August 31, 2006, 01:47:13 am
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:'(
I need some feedback here from mixed relationship couples.
Here is some background. I am about 15 years younger than my HIV- Partner. He says quit worrying about that crap when he sees me looking at this website or reading a book about HIV. His mom came last week and he made me hide everything which has to do with HIV. I have never felt more alone in a relationship in my life.
Is this normal for mixed couples?
Do negative partners just not get it?
I don't want to settle for something if he is not going to try to understand things more than he does now. I can't have a controlling partner who doesn't comprehend what is going on with me and inside me.
Thanks for reading my frustration release.
Broken hearted Okie Guy.
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POZ,
I do think that your partner needs to come to grips with your HIV status. It's not good that you're feeling alone in your relationship. Have you thought about getting some couples counselling? HIV is a big strain on an sero-discordant relationship often you need some help to manage the stresses that arise.
MtD
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I was married to a HIV- woman for 5 years. She had a pretty good balancing act. Tried not to worry about nothing but never made me feel bad. Of course we both had to deal with the fact I did have HIV and what that meant for our physical initmacy but that worked out fine.
But if you're partner won't talk won't deal you have a problem.
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Hey Poz,
I'm married to a guy that is HIV positive and I'm negative. We found out in May of this year. This has been one roller coaster of a summer.
It is just the opposite with us. I'm the one that is always here trying to learn as much as I can. I'm the one that has the notebook that I take to every doctors appointment with questions. He is good about taking his meds after I have drilled it in his head that he HAS to take them about the same time everyday. He wont even talk about HIV. I don't put any pressure on him to learn more. If i see something here that I think he should read I have him read it.
How long have you been positive? Is this new for him? Do you think he would consider counseling? If this is a new diagnosis he might need time to adjust.
Wishing you all the best.
Hugs
Teresa
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Hello ,
My partner is HIV negative, and we've been together 26 years.( 21 of those with my positive status) I must admit,in the first year of myself being infected back in 1985, things were certainly tough, and I wondered if our relationship would survive. Well it did.
I also feel that your partner is having difficulty coming to terms, with your status, and my only advice to you, would be to COMMNICATE those thoughts. When communication ceases, the relationship suffers, and it may end up being non-repairable. Let him know your thoughts and concerns. Timing can be crucial !Once again, try replacing the frustration with talk !!
The Best----Ray
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I am positive and with my husband who is negative. He is very supportive and concerned with every little thing that happens with me but he is not overbearing. He tries to help me know that I am healthy and happy but at the same time reminds me how I have to be extra careful.
Be open and honest with how you feel. Have him get educated with you.
All the best
Fran
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Hi Cowboy,
You and I have a lot in common. My hiv negative partner is also fifteen years older than I am and we have some of the same communication problems. He used to give me a lot of grief over my involvement on this forum - although that has gotten somewhat better. It's taken many heart to heart talks over time, as well as showing him threads, especially where I've gotten support and/or information.
To be totally honest, to a certain extent I think that negative partners do NOT get it. Or maybe that's just my experience. For example, I have a lot of what I call "niggly" things going on, despite the fact that I "look good on paper". Nothing I deal with is life-threatening, but it certainly is quality of life threatening.
For example, I very often get debilitating headaches. My doctors have no explanation, although I suspect a great deal of hiv CNS involvement. I also very often have joint pain, especially in my hips, to the point of sometimes needing a cane to walk with. I have trouble with my guts too and I never know what is going to trigger off a bad day with that - or any of it for that matter.
Whenever I mention to my partner how I'm feeling, it's always the same comment; "What's doing that?" Arrgghh! Every now and then I have to remind him that my body is fighting off a virus every minute of every day and if I don't feel very well, it's not rocket science to figure out why. Sure, sometimes I get stuff going on that is just ordinary, run of the mill stuff of life. But more often or not it's because of this damned virus. I can't tell you how much more a hug would mean at those times, rather than a grilling on what the possible cause is. And yes, I've explained that to him time and time again, but he doesn't "get it". ~sigh~
He's also not the most patient man on the face of the earth and when I'm having a brainfog day, well, let's just say that it gets really frustrating. More frustrating than it probably has to be.
You know, one thing about negative partners not "getting it". I often try to put myself into his shoes and wonder what about what things - from his perspective - I don't get. With him being so much older than I (I'm getting close to 44), I wonder if he worries that he'll be taking care of me when he's got age related issues to deal with himself. I've tried to discuss this with him, but he is of the opinion that we'll cross that bridge... but I can't help but wonder if he thinks about it anyway and just doesn't want to say.
I know he gets frustrated when I'm not feeling great. We had our anniversary recently and went out for a meal and to see a friend of his who plays at a piano bar afterwards. I came down with one of my severe headaches (no alcohol for me so it wasn't that) and it ruined our evening. Sometimes I wonder if he resents being lumbered with me at a time in his life when he should be relaxing and enjoying himself. ~shrug~ He won't talk about this aspect either. He doesn't really like any sort of discussions that revolve around health, no matter whose health it is being talked about.
I know that communication is the key and we do communicate to the best of our individual and collective abilities. We do work at it, but obviously it's not perfect - but what relationship is. I guess the fact that we do work at it is the reason we're still together seven years later and five and a half years into my diagnosis.
I realise I haven't said much that would be of practical value to you, but hopefully you'll see that you're not alone in this.
Hugs,
Ann
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Cowboy, it sounds like some conversation is in order with your guy. It also reads to me as if he is frightened by the issue of HIV and just wants it all to go away.
His wanting you to put away HIV-related material while his mother was his way of avoiding opening up a whole other issue: disclosure. Which he is clearly not ready for at this point.
So let's start with you. I'm wondering if you have any kind of ASO support where you can get some counseling either indvidually or in a group to deal with this and other issues. Because what you are talking about is definitely a common experience as you can see just from the responses you have already received. This is not something you should have to be struggling with alone. You need some new tools to deal with your guy.
How you are feeling might seem like it should be as clear as day to your partner, but I can't tell you how many times I have seen situations where what seems obvious to you is not even on the other guy's radar screen. You may have already done this, but I am thinking about how you can incrementally and with as little drama as possible, just let him know some of your thoughts and feelings, and how difficult it is for you to NOT be able to discuss HIV matters with him.
Rather than making him wrong for being a denying, insensitive whatever, just let him know how you're feeling and that you need him and you need his help. Tell him it feels very lonely. Just speak from the heart very simply.
How do these suggestions strike you? Hogwash or what?
And let me tell you, this is tough stuff to handle as others have told you. The issue at the moment is HIV but the kind of situation you are describing is one that comes up in all kinds of relationships over all kinds of issues all the time. It's tough work but it sounds like you care about the guy so what's the choice? I do know you should not have to live a lonely life within a relationship.
Good luck with your efforts and I hope you will keep us posted.
Cheers,
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OH MY GOD, Ann........Gee, you just told the story of my life over the last 17 years!
Cowboy...
Currently, the gut thingy is f**king with my life. Just today, as I was sitting in my chair after creating his lunch box, holding my head in my hands; he asked; "is it a headache, - no - is it nausea - no, just a general feeling of crappyness in my guts". Then he had to go off to work.
He has known of my status since the second day we knew each other, and he is totally aware of what HIV entails, nevertheless, he has stuck it out and kept me alive more than once. What really hurt, was one day about five years ago, he simply stated, I don't need to know any more details, I will create them for myself. "I really need to make a life for myself, and so we need to put HIV into the background". This after spending the better part of 7 years, just keeping me alive and making a home that was comfortable for the two of us. In my heart I knew he was right and he did need to create something for him to focus on other than this shitty bug, but still, it took me about a month for that comment to set in and for me to come to some place of peace with the fact that he was drowning in an issue that did not include his body, but was really taking a toll on his health and mental stability. He was totally right.
I really feel for him, and understand the absolute terror of going to sleep next to someone that he didn't know whether or not would be alive the next morning, and I don't know if I would have had the strength he has shown over the last 12 years.
Currently, I am the one that is doubting my "relavency" to a relationship and a life of total dependency. My mind is still sharp, except for the days that leave in a fog, but my body is going to hell in a big way, so keeping a positive outlook becomes more and more of a challenge each and every day. I have ALWAYS tended to be more optimistic than the average bear, but lately, when I sit and think about all the stuff going on in this body; I really sometimes have a difficult time coming out the other side with the actual "will" to go on and be successful with my life.
In the end, there are no easy answers, and you have raised the one question that many of us struggle with way too much. I must tell you the facts, and that is, I have seen very few serodiscordant relationships last for the long run. Most die, and that is one fact that makes the people responding to this thread very unusual and some of the most driven people here on this site. It just is not easy.
I would leave this relationship in the dust in a flat second if I felt for one minute that he still didn't love me in his core, but I know he still does, so I stay on, trying to diminish my own feelings of inadequacy. It is just one of the most terrifying and difficult things one can deal with when living with this virus. What ever happens, and whatever you decide, please know that you are still a whole person, and that there is life outside a committed relationship. One thing that is sure, you cannot surrender control to someone that lives in denial. Actually, unless you enjoy a controlling partner, nobody, whether HIV+ or not, should submit to someone elses control. We are the captains of our own ships, and it is our duty to take control over our own lives to enjoy a healthy life.
I am so sorry if this confuses you, it really does me, most of the time.
In Love and Support.
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Hey Cowboy,
Not sure I can add much to what everyone else says but I am coming at this from the other side. I am 44 and my honey is 25. He has been poz for almost a year now. The question you asked, does the neg partner really get it? Well the answer is No, not totally.
At first I went through the whole range of emotions and I just didn't know what to do. Leaving him never really crossed my mind but anger, horror, shock, grief, you name it, it was all there. And at first I tried to just suppress it all because I did not want ME to be the focus here, it was to be HIM. That didn't work well. Actually, it was Moffie who helped most in pulling us through those early days.
I try and imagine what he feels each day and can't. We can be up and at em at 8 am and having fun and all of a sudden at one o'clock he needs a nap. Then at 3 he is ready to conquer the world again. I get frustrated planning meals because one day he will eat like a horse and the next two days feel like he can't eat a thing. When we have there is always that slight hesitation in his eyes when at climax because he has told me that he looks at his cum like it is a pool of death.
Those are just a few of the things he goes through. There is no way I can fully understand it because he is the one with the virus. I am just trying to do what I can to learn how to respond to these things. Some days I need info, others, like Ann mentioned, there are days I just need to hug him. It really helps me alot when he lets me know which he needs, to talk or to hug.
I don't think I am helping you at all Cowboy. I don't have any answers really. I just know I love this guy with all my heart and am afraid at times. But I have to remember it can never compare to the fear he feels at times. I hope we can make it. I hope you will too my friend.
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:-*
Thanks to you all for your great information and understanding. Everyone on this thread has my complete respect. I am overwhelmed after reading all of this so I am going to let it sink in for a couple days while I am on vacation. I am headed out in the morning for a trip so I think the time alone will do me good to think about things and put it into perspective. I love this man with all my heart. I have also given up part of my life because he didn't want me to rodeo anymore which was a big part of who I am. I tried to talk t him about this today and it is just out of the question for him so I have some soul searching to do.
I will reply when I get back.
Thanks and I wish I could just give you each a big ol bear hug.
Okie Cowboy Guy
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Do negative partners just not get it?
I don't want to settle for something if he is not going to try to understand things more than he does now. I can't have a controlling partner who doesn't comprehend what is going on with me and inside me.
Hi Cowboy,
I wouldn’t want to continue in a relationship in which I felt censored by someone – anyone – else.
I have a couple of comments for you which you can dismiss if they don’t give you any food for thought.
I have been in two significant relationships since my diagnosis (nearly 19 years ago). The first was with a Neg man who I was *partners* with for about 10 years. He never once asked or directed me not to discuss anything HIV related. In fact, he used to (and still does) research a lot about it and healthy living in general, and shares that info with me.
My current *boyfriend* is also Neg. At first he told me he "could not handle" my status. Apparently that was a knee-jerk reaction because he soon after began calling me up and generally dropping hints about wanting to be with me. That was about two and a half years ago. Now we laugh a lot about those days. Jim has never once told me he didn’t want to hear about anything in my life ... including HIV stuff.
I agree with JRE’s comment. Communication is the foundation for any healthy relationship, friendship, family, what have you.
My 2 cents.
Daniel
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From the opposite end... I was seventeen years his senior and negative when I met David. To say "I didn't get it" was a gross understatement. Two years into our relationship, after testing positive, so many things he told me, things he tried to explain to me...suddenly made perfect sense. From the sound of it...your BF hasn't accepted your HIV status and is uncomfortable with anyone knowing about it...which suggest to me that he's not comfortable with it. Communication is the key....Matty's suggestion of seeing a marriage counselor is an exceptional idea....Get him to TALK ABOUT IT!
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My partner of almost 17 years is negative. I'm still prodding him to try my meds - under doctor's assistance, of course - so he can begin to understand the simplest of chemical effects. I wonder at times, though, whether his understanding is what really matters most. I'm still grappling with my own psychology too much to really make any concluding statement. I will agree - strongly - that communication is critical to relationship health. I find that putting a different spin on the information I have to share makes it easier too - be comical about something rather than hot and heavy with the drama. It seems my partner and I engage more when the communication is consciously but not necessarily overtly managed - by either party.
I hear you loud and clear on the hiding of HIV materials before mother arrives. My mummy-in-law has never been offiically made aware of our relationship. You'd think that after living with a guy for as long as we've been together that some lights might go on; however, he just doesn't see any merit in disclosure and so I accept it, as disappointed about it as I may continue to be. She still comes over for dinner and we go there. Family gatherings may start to get more interesting this year should my unfortunate virus news slip after a glass or three of wine. Assessing that he may not have the same kinds of skills or bent as yourself might help you in tackling this one further. My family has known about my homosexuality since I was 19 and I told them. When I was ill earlier this year, my mum asked me if it was HIV.
At this stage of my life, I'd have little patience for a new kid on the block who didn't accept some of the finer points in life or conduct themselves in a certain way. We each have to determine what are our boundaries are in that regard. I like to think of relationships as an investment. When they fail, the ultimate dividend paid is to yourself for the effort you put forth. When they succeed, the interest is mutual. I know it can be a load to manage - both helping yourself with HIV and helping him with his education. The fact that you're posting here and reflecting on your process can only be a good thing.
Kudos to Teresa for being the negative partner, here on the forums, and taking such a significant lead in care management. I think that's extraordinary and commendable. Same to you, too, Biggums.
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I really dont think a negative partner can get it... just like I am not an alcoholic so I will never be able to understand what they go through with the addiction and trying to quit im not in their shoes, or how hard it is for them to stay away from it. I do understand not being able to quit smokeing. but I really feel unless you can walk a mile in someone elses life you cant fully understand. my hat goes of to the people who do try to educate themselves and understand they at least put forth an effort. those who dont even try to understand shame on them, they are not worth my time. I wish you all the luck in the world with this as for me its never turned out right with mixed status, shoot not even with another pozzie. too many players and liers out there so here I am still searching :(
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Hello CowboyPoz, it is Eldon. In this situation, you will want to give your partner as much of love and support as you can. Understanding and communication are the (2) two most important things in a relationship. Without the communication the relationship will suffer. It is quite certain that your partner has his reasons for a non-disclosure due to your immediate circle of influences.
Do your best to sit down and talk with him about his concerns as well as your concerns and find that middle ground in your relationship. Also, do your BEST with educating yourself and him on HIV/AIDS. Again, understanding is the key element that is needed.
Have the BEST Day!
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My partner is negative, he knew i was poz when we met so in that respect it was never a problem and to be honest we rarely discuss hIV nowadays only when i´ve been to the doc or if there was something on tv ...its part of our lives but not our life if you know what i mean. when we have visitors i clear away leaflets or books because i don´t want to disclose
talk with your partner he may be doing it to protect you but unless you talk to each other you´ll never know
all the best
Garry