Odd Cases

[rsquared]

Hi,

     My boyfriend recently found out he was positive. I've been tested and I'm negative. I'm sticking around with my boyfriend and giving him all the support he needs. When I asked him if he ever cheated on me he responded saying "No." I know he doesn't use any recreational drugs so needle sharing isn't much of a concern for him. His positive result came as a huge shock to both of us. I'm wondering if anyone knows of any odd cases of HIV transmission.

We're both having a hard time getting to the bottom of this and I'm especially having a hard time with it. I want to understand and support him. But at the same time, I'm a little nervous that he may have cheated on me and simply won't admit to it because we have recently moved in together.

I feel so selfish at times for wanting to understand completely and I feel utterly lost in this with no one to talk to. I need to be strong for my boyfriend so I try not to bring up my difficulties to him. Am I wrong in any of my feelings? Or am I missing something about how HIV is transmitted?

[buginme2]

I was with my partner for two years before I tested positive.  He was and is still negative (now together over 4years).  I never cheated.  I tested negative 3months before we started dating.  I thought I was negative, I wasn't. 

Your boyfriend may very well be telling the truth.

[jkinatl2]

I am very happy that you are staying with your partner.

The window period for HIV infection is three months, from a testing perspective. This means, in the absence of a person with an EXTREMELY suppressed immune system, which cannot produce antibodies at the same rate others (think people on chemo, a drug regimen that purposefully destroys the immune system) anyone will test positive usually at six weeks but almost certainly three months past exposure.

HIV is transmitted by unprotected penetrative sex, the immediate sharing of IV drug needles, rarely from mother to child, and in certain developing countries, a blood transfusion.

I hope that has clarified things for you, and I certainly hope you and your boyfriend the best in your open and honest relationship.

[rsquared]

bugginme2 if you don't mind me asking did you ever find out how you got exposed?

[buginme2]

Ya I had unprotected sex.  Don't get me wrong.  There are no odd cases. HIV isn't transmitted mysteriously. 

My point was, there was time between my last negative test and the point I met my boyfriend.  I had just assumed I was still negative.  I wasn't.  My next test was when I was in a relationship 2 years later and was positive.

Your only hiv negative to the point of your last test.

[rsquared]

I see. I guess what I'm just struggling with is that he had been tested April 2012 and was negative. And now in December he's positive. We've been together for almost 2 years so I just don't understand I guess.

[jkinatl2]

I see. I guess what I'm just struggling with is that he had been tested April 2012 and was negative. And now in December he's positive. We've been together for almost 2 years so I just don't understand I guess.

Had he been inside the three month/six week window period at the time of his last test, he absolutely might have tested positive in April of 2012 when in fact, he was seroconverting at the time.

There really are no immaculate infections. I just hope that you and he find a place of honesty and mutual respect as you move forward together.

[mecch]

I see. I guess what I'm just struggling with is that he had been tested April 2012 and was negative. And now in December he's positive. We've been together for almost 2 years so I just don't understand I guess.

So relationship starts say February 2010.

April 2012 - a negative test.
Window period that might allow that test to have been false - about March 2012.
Anyhow - we will assume the test in April was correct.

So, somewhere between March 2012 and November 2012 - he had unprotected sex, or injected himself with a contaminated needle.  Or somehow had contact. 

(Blood transfusion, in Yemen?  Or, is he in a job where he might have had a needle prick?)

I don't know him but now we've met you and I would say, go with your feeling on this.  If he can give you a convincing explanation, "yes, darling, I cheated" or "yes I had a needle prick at work", and you can say, "OK, whats done is done, lets carry on," then fine. 

If he is all denial, its really your call.  You seem to really "feel" that he cheated and with whats been communicated so far, I would guess your gut is correct.  And therefore, he's a liar.  Sorry, that's just my take on it of course.

I had a boyfriend get HIV (when I was negative) via unprotected sex outside the relation.  It wasn't so nice for me (but as in your case, he didn't pass it along to me, so), but it was a hell of a lot worse for him, of course!  We both moved on and stayed together at that time. He didn't claim immaculate transmission, didn't need to because we had permission to screw outside.  Had he been all denially about it, I don't know. 

Sometimes when we love someone, we can forgive his/her denials because we understand why he is in denial, and accept its just human.

BUT surely from that point on, we ALSO are careful and protect ourselves because we know there isn't always honesty in our relationship...

My experience of relationships so far is that more relationships had lies in them than I had relationships that were quite honest.  To me, its always been, just how many lies have I been cool about before there was a point of no return.

There is often shame involved in cheating.  There is often shame involved in getting an STD.  Both are invitations for either denial, or a lie.  I know that guys lie all the time about cheating!  Depending on the relationship, these may be considered "white lies" - the guy feels like he loves his partner and the cheating doesn't mean much and/or the partner "knows but doesn't really want to know" so its a white lie - according to the guy. Guys are dogs. Speaking as one.   Either its a white lie, cause he thinks he is protecting your feelings, and really loves you. Or its a low down dirty lie because he's selfish and protecting himself. Or, he's so ashamed or so selfish, that its desperate denial more than its a conscious lie. 

[mecch]

Oh by the way, what method was he tested HIV+? 
He needs a western blot confirmation.... If he doesn't have that, maybe he is NOT HIV+.

(pps - apologies to Yemen if their blood banks are impeccable...)

[wolfter]

I know that guys lie all the time about cheating!   Guys are dogs.

Perhaps it's time to stop picking up gutter mutts? 

I have never cheated (hence never needed to lie) at any time I was in a relationship. 

Wolfie

[rsquared]

Thanks for your honesty mecch. I'm not sure what test he had done. but I know he went through kaiser. So I'm guessing they've done all the appropriate tests to check and double check their work

[magnoman]

For what it is worth I found myself in the same situation as you at the beginning of this year when my partner of 4 years was diagnosed HIV Positive in March... Up until that time we had made condomless love.  This was after what I can only assume was a sero-conversion type illness. (He went to see the doctor who suggested an HIV test).

It was positive, his first Western Blot was negative and his second confirmatory test was positive, which leads me to believe that it was a recent infection.  He had been negative at his last test two years ago.

Fortunately I was negative at the six weeks and four month mark and it has been about 6 months since my last test... I need to go and get retested.

Ultimately whether my bf cheated with me or not, which he denies, doesn't really change anything. 

My guess is that he quite probably did, and denied it as I had always said that if I found out someone cheated on me, I would leave them. Although conceivably he could have been really unlucky and got it from his tattoo or some other unlikely option.

Oddly however my feelings get in the way and I still love him very much.  HIV is just a miserable disease but fortunately it is liveable with now and frankly I don't want to lay any more on him than he already has.

It would be great to have a definitive answer but sometimes sadly it seems that it's not possible to get them!

If it is any comfort I suspect we are much better off being in relationships with someone we know to be positive than having sex with people whos status we do not know one way or another.

Anyway I feel for you and feel free to reach out.  I understand that in the early days of HIV there was much more support out there for  those in sero-discordant relationships than there is now, mainly because it has gone from being 95% fatal to being a completely manageable disease.

However there are  times that I would like to be able to rant about it without giving my partner any grief!

[Matty the Damned]

Perhaps it's time to stop picking up gutter mutts? 

I have never cheated (hence never needed to lie) at any time I was in a relationship. 

Wolfie

Relationships with women notwithstanding?

MtD

[mecch]

Thanks for your honesty mecch. I'm not sure what test he had done. but I know he went through kaiser. So I'm guessing they've done all the appropriate tests to check and double check their work

Well hang in there.  People are laying out the different scenarios here and hopefully that's helpful.

I guess the ideal is for people who love each other and want to keep the relationship going, to deal with the new normal and move on.