POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => I Just Tested Poz => Topic started by: traveltramp on August 11, 2007, 09:25:24 am
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I suppose I knew that the test would come back positive, I should not have taken it in the first place. So, I am in Bangkok walking though all the go go bars, discos and hustlers to discover the lone midnight clinic - 10 - minute HIV test - what the hey. I was sick in May, it was suggested to get tested again in 3 months..... so 500 baht and 10 minutes later.. comes the nurse.. "you have problem" "come come, sit and we talk"... well, so there it is. Broken English, Bangkok, Alone, and I am Positive. Take more blood... send it out to confirm... one week wandering around the streets lost in space. Then the day arrived. August 1st... Thai Dr... "come sit, you have problem" - just love the way they keep saying that to me - "you have the HIV..."..
So it has been two weeks and I still wander around Thailand. Confused and drunk most of the time.... Bought a ticket back to the USofA.. have not lived there for 6 years. I panicked and told too many people.. Worry, worry, I should have kept quiet...
So, I start a new ... what? Not so sad - a lie. Not so angry - a lie Not afraid - another lie, but...
I hate the fact that I feel I can't do what I want to do anymore. All I want to do is have a backpack and my passport and be off. I feel like I am trapped now, I lost my freedom. I will go anywhere... I want to go everywhere. Now I feel I cant do this. Am I going to get some weird whatever traveling? I have to wonder. Why go to the US? I don't know, have a ticket though... I want to just disappear never to be seen from again, but I know that is unfair to who?, not sure, but it seems unfair. I am 33 and I have been positive for 2 weeks and I am alone in Phuket..Strange being in a place that has so many people. I feel invisible.
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None is guilty of getting infected of Hiv. None goes around LOOKING FOR an infection with the virus. Yes, we all took poor decisions, fine... learn about it and move on. Don't need to punish yourself for something you didn't plan.
This is different path, not good not bad... just different and human beings are all different and are capable to addapt to the most difficult situations... and succeed. Welcome to a forum full of successful people, you same as us... will learn how to handle this after some time... and succeed. Count with us when you need us.
Hugs,
Juan Carlos
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Not all HIV infections are the result of poor decision making. Try and calm down, confirm your test, and if you are indeed positive schedule an appointment with a doctor. Though difficult, try and get off the emotional roller coaster and concentrate on the immediate (if any) medical decisions you might need to make. Though I understand completly because I did the same thing, wandering around Thailand drunk is just a short term fix. There will be plenty of time for all of that and we will be here to help you. It's up to you, but you might want to hold off telling the world until you are sure you are positive and maybe a bit more emotionally comfortable with the information.
Good Luck,
Hal
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Thank you for your kind words. I know that I beat myself up, this is not new but it is what I have practiced for too long now. I know that there is salvation in this. I can stop trying to destroy myself. My fear and insecurity is only in my mind. I make the world with my thoughts. I can and will live, with a perspective that is unique and special shared by a group that has experienced great suffering. But balance is universal. Can't have great joy without great pain. I hope that I too can give the love and encouragement that has been offered to me. I am OK, the sun will come up tomorrow and I can love myself all over again.
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hi traveltramp... good to hear that you are feeling better...
I had almost same thoughts (probably as all of us special guys & girsl here)
I got infected here in Greece... before I was living in Germany... as I got the news... I was thinking out of Greece and back to Germany... I did it for 2-3 weeks... went to Germany and a trip to Paris-France.
Then I was thinking... it's time to continue life as before... I came back to Greece... and believe me... on the flight back I got so afraid... so I started crying... but finally I am happy that I am back in that town where the bad news came from... good therapy ;-)
Then the first time going out... I was scared of flirting... god... I had to leave after 20 min the bar... I could not stay there anymore... it was hurtung me a lot... but now i go more often out... it gives me the nice "party-feelin" back... good therapy ;-)
and last days.. I was talking to a guy... he is a doc... and somehow i told to him about myself... that I am a good guy... the best one... and I try to love myself much more not as in the past loving others more than myself... I said i loud... good therapy ;-)
time will heal wounds... less or more... try it a little bit more
thanks to the members here... great forum... and keep hanging on... "Fight the Future" (I know... I am an X-File fan)
kisses
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Travel, this is very, very new for you. I'm glad you have found your way to our site as that should lessen your sense of isolation. Give yourself time to get adjusted to this new reality in your life -- your second entry already shows that some fresh thoughts are showing up.
It is important for you to get a doctor whom you can have a good partnership with in keeping you healthy and who will regularly monitor your numbers. But all in good time. All in good time. You're going to learn everything you need to know to keep you healthy.
You're always welcome here to visit, to ask questions and to discuss anything that's on your mind.
Welcome!