Has HIV Made You Reclusive?

[thunter34]

I've got to toss this out to the population at large here because it's been weighing on me for sometime.  I've become so much more withdrawn in the years since diagnosis - and this is long past meds adjustment and recovery.  I can understand my initial withdrawal post diagnosis due to sickness and shell shock, but it seems to me that it would have worn off more by now.  It's much more of a "social panic" type thing, and I know that it has cost me in the friendship and other relationship department. 

I'm wondering if it is some sort of PTSD or simply a return to childhood shyness or what.  I get panicked about meeting - or sometimes even just speaking to - people...even people that I know and WANT to interact with.  Most times, once I get around them I am fine...but then find myself anxious about calling them or seeing them yet again the very next time. 

I was a painfully sky kid who overcame it as an adult, but I act very much the same these days - until I get myself in the midst of a social situation.  Sometimes, having been diagnosed with BPMD, the manic side can take over and make me a temporary butterfly.  I then revert back to hermit mode, though...even though I don't necessarily feel depressed. 

There are people who have been trying to make contact with me - some of them right here on this forum - that I felt panicked about for no damn good reason.  I know this on a rational level...yet still lock into that same pattern.

Have others here felt anything like this at all?  Do you attribute it mostly to a shyness or BPMD thing, or do you see it as some sort of HIV initiated thing or what?

[drewm]

Thanks for posting this. In a way I am wondering the same thing. In my case I just thought that maybe it was because I was something of a recluse before being dxd (although obviously not enough of a recluse LOL). I am anxious to hear what others think...

[emeraldize]

Yes.

[Hellraiser]

I've become more reclusive, but I'm still trying to deal with some of the physical after effects of my diagnosis.  Not to mention one of my favorite activities pre-diagnosis was binge drinking which now isn't such a great idea because I need my liver to be fine to handle the meds that I'll be pouring through it for hopefully the next 20-30 years.

[hope_for_a_cure]

I would not say that I am reclusive as a result of being HIV positive.  The fact that I relocated 500 miles from where I was living last year does throw off my ability to see my close friends as often as I would like to.  I do not get out and about as much here as I did when I lived alone and I do not entertain guests here as often as I did then either.  The social scene is much different here and I really dont have the desire to date as much.  I would say that being HIV positive has changed that aspect of my social life.  

[Realist]

Yes

[Joe K]

I'm wondering if it is some sort of PTSD or simply a return to childhood shyness or what.  I get panicked about meeting - or sometimes even just speaking to - people...even people that I know and WANT to interact with.  Most times, once I get around them I am fine...but then find myself anxious about calling them or seeing them yet again the very next time. 

I was a painfully sky kid who overcame it as an adult, but I act very much the same these days - until I get myself in the midst of a social situation.  Sometimes, having been diagnosed with BPMD, the manic side can take over and make me a temporary butterfly.  I then revert back to hermit mode, though...even though I don't necessarily feel depressed. 

How strange that I would find this post today, as I have been working on the very same issue. Based on what you describe and my own personal experience, I would say that all the issues you mention, play a part. While I have never been really shy, I am very reserved until I get to know someone and I hate going to social gatherings, but I do fine when I am there. I used to wonder why I felt this way, but now I understand why and so let me just throw this out.

Might your being reclusive, be a result of your avoiding social situations, because you were shy as a kid? Even though you know "intellectually" that you are no longer shy, you may have become predisposed or "hard wired" as a kid, to avoid gatherings, because you were shy and you did not like how it made you feel. I'm going through this right now, by looking at my own "hard wiring", with all the conclusions and projections that it involves. It's very hard to put into a few words, but think of it as you don't want to go out, because something about that, makes you very anxious and that you could be falling back on childhood feelings, that told you, to be safe, you stay alone or avoid crowds, maybe even because you felt there was something "wrong" with being shy.

If I make any sense, you can expand that to almost anything and it can be very hard to separate what you "feel" vs what is "real". Have you tried therapy? If not, I highly recommend it, as we share certain issues, like  PTSD and you would be amazed at the interconnections that exist, from one part of our experience to another. I think that by your asking these questions, you are ready to answer them, but I doubt you can do this alone.

This is something you can and will do, and if you ever need me...

[thunter34]

Joe, you make a lot of sense.  And I've sort of been wondering this about myself...if maybe the time out of the loop from society during my initial sickness and recovery caused my to "fall out of practice" in social situations. 

[Jeff G]

I feel the same way as you do for the most part . After I spent so much time alone it became the new normal for me and I find it a hard habit to break , still working on that one .

I look back and see another year gone and I still make excuses to be alone when its now my choice .   

[Joe K]

Joe, you make a lot of sense.  And I've sort of been wondering this about myself...if maybe the time out of the loop from society during my initial sickness and recovery caused my to "fall out of practice" in social situations. 

Let me add this one as well, as it applies to me. I will avoid going out, because I am afraid of making a new friend, who will somehow become sick and die, abandoning me once again. It applies to my PTSD, I'm so afraid to meet too many people, for fear they will die. Rational thought? Hardly, but it used to "feel" so right to me. I overcame many of these feelings, by training myself to "short circuit" those thoughts, but to also understand how losing hundreds of folks, can "hard wire" you in not very useful ways.

That's why I suggested that you may have multiple issues at play here, with each one partially reinforcing the others and maybe you can identify some "core" issues that will affect all areas. If you go the therapy route, find one who challenges you and will not let you turn away from your real pain. Trust me, you will never conquer your fears, until you look them squarely in the eye. Most of all, realize that you can do this and so get off your ass and do something about it.

Personally, I think you might be too hard on yourself and I sense some feelings regarding self-worth and maybe even your right to be happy. Sometimes we can be our own worst enemy, but in the end, if you don't like how you feel, then find out why and go from there.

[WillyWump]

Yes. HIV has made me reclusive. I was rarely home prior, now I'm always home.

-Will

[denb45]

@ thunter34 ....NO it has not, I got this when I was 32, I'm almost 55 now, I lost my Career due to a HIV related health issues  that I still have today, but to say THIS has made me Reclusive again NO.....HIV/AIDS is only a virus that is controlled by medication I have to take daily, it doesn't define who I'm  or make me want to be Reclusive  

[drewm]

This thread is making me take a closer look at myself and I have learned something from everything posted here so far. In one minute I was working, had social acquaintances at work and outside of work and then when first dxd, I stayed home, literally, for fear of infection. (My CD-4 count was 8 and VL was 500,000) When I went to the store or out to eat (twice in 5 months) I wore a mask to help reduce my chances of catching something.

My normal routine became something quite different and now, like others have said, this is the new norm. I don't wear the masks anymore and am not completely a germ-o-phobe like I was for awhile and am starting to go out more. Once to a bar with my partner for some drinks and out for dinner occasionally or shopping. I am not as reclusive as I was when first dxd so I guess I am getting back to normal...whatever that is.

[alliance]

Yes.
I've mentioned before on this forum that it seems to me as though I am more introverted now than ever. The Myers Briggs personality assessment differentiates people in four different personality categories. One of them is introvert/extrovert. I was introverted before, and I think more so now. But that category simply indicates where you get your energy from. Intoverts prefer to recharge alone. Extroverts get their energy from being around people.
So I have a theory:
I know I feel like I need my 8 hours sleep now more than ever=I need more rest (recharging)= I need more alone time.
If my hypothesis has some truth to it, I wonder if some people find they need to be around other people more than ever.
I wonder if we are just hearing from the "introverts", like me?
Grant it- I am just discussing this from an energy and recharging perspective, and not at all considering the other social interaction aspects of the virus.

[JJ80909]

Yes, I have become more withdrawn.  I go to the occasional social fundraisers I was previously involved with, but find no joy in going out.  I know I need to get the social interaction, and I'd love to meet that special someone, but can't seem to find the energy or the desire to go out.  It may be a degree of self-pity, or PTSD -- I am just under a year of being pos and have had many issues to deal with.  Being more of a recluse has made it easier for me in some ways, but also harder since my self esteem has bottomed out.

[phildinftlaudy]

I wouldn't say that I've become reclusive -
I do spend more time at home and more time with myself -
but that is because I enjoy the relaxation and I enjoy my own company -
especially, after waking up at 6 am Mon-Fri for work and getting home around 5:30 each night, after being around people all day and away from home, I like laying on the couch and having quiet time.

I still get out - but I definitely don't "hoe" around like I used to -
I still enjoy my drinking - but don't do it half as often as I used to -

I would attribute my desire for solitude as part of being HIV positive and not having as much staying power or tolerance for being around others 24/7 and also part of getting older and having more appreciation for the simpler things in life.

I keep a small circle of friends and value the time that I do choose to spend with them and they with me.  When I do go out, I enjoy it more because I am not constantly running around. 

[Assurbanipal]

Its hard to disentangle all the different threads: HIV vs. the job change vs. getting older vs. the life changes.  But the net result feels isloating and I keep resolving to do something about it.

next week...

[Gio]

I have become more introverted... I smile an occassionaly go out with friends but dating has been a nightmare.  Its my mental hangup as well as that i am not ready to disclose.. I live in a state were disclosure is a requirement.. I will eventually disclose but i prefer knowing and trusting the person

[Buckmark]

I don't think HIV has made me more reclusive.  I've always had a tendency to be introverted.  And I can switch into a mildly extroverted mode when I need to, though I never actually quite get the connecting or belonging or fitting in.  I can't say that's HIV related, but that's an interesting question.  I think the answer depends on each individual's particular experience with HIV:  access to a support system, friends, family, finances, career, access to healthcare, effectiveness and side-effects of medication, etc.  Personally, more and more, I've learned that the problems that I thought were related to HIV (isolation, depression, sexual hang-ups) go beyond that.  I also identify with what Assurbanipal says about life's threads being hard to disentangle, so it is difficult to identify causes sometimes.

Regards,

Henry

[NycJoe]

Most definitely.  I have not made any new friends in years.  Granted I have been in school full time the last few years but I don't let new people I meet into my life really.  I need to change that.  I am definitely a homebody.  I never use to be.  Kind of sad when you think about it.  It can be isolating.  I need to make a real effort this year to get out, meet people, and do things.

Joe

[aussie_boy107]

I'm not positive (I'm on PEP, that's why I'm here). I thought I should say that first as a kind of disclaimer. I can't relate to that experience. I have bipolar disorder too and in the past was diagnosed as having social anxiety disorder.

I overcame the shyness as well but then became reclusive due to paranoia and it came back. I think you just become unused to social interaction if you shut yourself away. For me I reckon low self-esteem plays into it as well. It's hard to put yourself out their if you don't feel like you're worth knowing.

[Tim Horn]

Hi Aussie:

While many Forums members likely appreciate your intentions, please understand that all forums -- with the exception of "Am I Infected?" and "Someone I Care About Has HIV" forums -- are only for people who are living with HIV. Thanks for understanding.

Tim 

[poz1970]

I have become a total recluse now that I'm poz, thankfully my kitteh is good company :-)

J

[Bucko]

I thought a lot about this topic when I read it this morning: I know that I'm more more likely to isolate, avoid things I consider unpleasant and dissociate, but these are all behaviors with roots that predate my infection. Is it a matter of aging (I'm 51) and hardening of bad old habits, or have I internalized some part of the AIDSphobia that we all live with, despite brave words to the contrary? It's hard to say.

I do know that I have no choice but work right now, and that my work brings me into a very social setting between 5-7 nights per week; at least while I'm working, I have to be "on" and cannot isolate for long. Part of my work persona involves a mask, of course, and it's one that I use liberally to hide behind. But the fact of the matter is that I'm out there, doing it, despite occasional jitters/digestive issues/toilet terrors because I need it, both so I can eat and pay my rent, but also because without it I'd turn into a virtual hermit.

[Trace67]

Yes-I have become more reclusive. I am still somewhat an extrovert when presented with the opportunity. However. my primary emphasis is now on keeping healthy, my consulting business, maintaining my home, and playing with my pug Ya-Ya. I guess that you could say that now versus prior the HIV/AIDS diagnosis I amo now focused on a healthy balance whereas before I always felt like I had to be "on the road". This is so interesting how it seems that this has effected us all in very similar ways.

[BT65]

I have one best friend that I do things with.  I think I've become more reclusive since being older.  And I'm naturally suspicious of people, so that could have something to do with it.  I still go to functions sometimes, or out to eat, a casino etc., but I'm by no means the social butterfly I was when I was younger.  Things have changed, like I used to party all the time, now I don't.  I used to go out to get screwed all the time, now I don't.  Stuff like that.  I also have grandkids, and just the thought of having them calms me down sometimes.  I wouldn't want to be a negative influence running around getting toasted and screwed.  I have a group of friends in a 12-step program I've been hanging with for years, and sometimes go to those kinds of functions.  But otherwise, I stay home.  Like tonight, I'm going to probably watch America's Most Wanted and eat Cheese-its.  Good times, aye.

[sorryass]

"Thunter, et alll"
Having the hiv virus in our bodys is a game changer, FULL STOP!  There is no cure, you cannot give it back, it's yours, forever.  Now thats life changing.  How you handle it, is going to be different from the guy down the block. 

Some say it's fine for Positive men to have sex with Negative men.  Safe sex.
There is an array of what is said to be safe, and what is not.

It is going to be personal for each of us.  Some of us will choose abstinance, once we are diagnosed positive.  For some of us, the thought of giving this virus to someone else, is just too much to bear, so we begin to become reclusive.  I fit into that club.  I have for so many years, I think perhaps it's time I changed my outlook.  I am not looking for a sexuall partner so much as I simply need a human touch.  It's been over 20 years since I have felt the loveing touch of anouther human being, I believe I have cheated myself out of a great deal of happyness.

I am going to be leaving myself open, to the right situation, should it present itself.  I am finaly starting to realize that I deserve as much love as the next person.  Hiv steals so much.  It allmost took my heart, as well as my health.
Bertram
xo

[zach]

thanks tim, remind me of exactly why i'm so fkn moody and depressed.. teh aids induced isolation

 

[Ann]

It definitely made me more reclusive in the first few months following diagnosis, mainly because I was too busy processing this new aspect of my life.

Then a year or so later when I started having a lot of problems with hiv-related diarrhea, I became very reclusive mainly because it's just too damn embarrassing to shit yourself in public - and yes, it happened to me several times. Until I got the dire-rear under control, I only left the house when I needed to go buy groceries or go to a doctor appointment.

Now that my butt emissions are under control and no longer involuntary, I'm not reclusive in the least. Everyone in my social circles knows my hiv status and it's simply not a problem. In fact, if I go missing for a few days - sometimes I just need "me" time - someone will usually ring me to see what's up. Especially after last October when I had a high fever (due to an undiagnosed kidney infection) and was totally out of it for a few days. When my mates found out how sick I was they all vowed to check on me if I'm missing for more than two days. At the time in October they thought I was just having an extended time out and left me to it, and they were mortified to find out I'd been too sick and delirious to actually realise just how sick I was. Ain't high fevers fun? Not. 

[denb45]

Yes, ANN PREACH, I've been shitting on myself for 15 yrs. and finally this yr. 2011 I found, that what I have isn't related to AIDS at all, actually I was quite relieved by this news 

[thunter34]

thanks tim, remind me of exactly why i'm so fkn moody and depressed.. teh aids induced isolation

 

I understand where you are coming from, but I feel strongly that there are other major factors feeding yours.  There are lifelines around you though, bud...you just gotta reach for 'em.

It definitely made me more reclusive in the first few months following diagnosis, mainly because I was too busy processing this new aspect of my life.

Then a year or so later when I started having a lot of problems with hiv-related diarrhea, I became very reclusive mainly because it's just too damn embarrassing to shit yourself in public - and yes, it happened to me several times. Until I got the dire-rear under control, I only left the house when I needed to go buy groceries or go to a doctor appointment.

A lot of this is what I now think triggered my own reclusion.  There was not only the initial psychological / emotional jolt, but real physical issues that yanked me completely out of all social circles.  I had full body rashes, dire-rear and even hair falliing out in clumps thanks to the syphilis kicker served with the HIV.  And then months of getting over meds adjustment.  After that, I had ballooned up by nearly 40 lbs - so I admittedly stayed scarce because I just didn't feel fabulous enough anymore.

Eventually, all that settled down - but by then my inate reclusive nature returned to the fore.  After soaking on this thread for awhile now, I think that is the main thing that happened:  the reclusiveness wasn't really the exception, it was the genereal rule of me.  I had worked my way out of it over the years, but getting sick gave that nature time to settle back in again.

This, I suppose, is actually good news - because it simply means that if I want to reemerge, I can.  HIV / AIDS hasn't really permanently changed me in any way that makes social involvement possible...it's mostly just my same old same old temperament. 

If I want it to change, I just need to get off my duff and make it happen.

[hartiepie]

I don’t know if it has made me more reclusive since like many others, I was shy and depressive before diagnosis. One would think I should be used to it all after nearly two decades, but it only takes an encounter with an old acquaintance who asks “Oh! Are you all right? What happened to you? Are you SICK or something (hint hint hint)?”…and then I realize my lipo issues betray me again.

I’ve always been a bit jealous of those who are able to make friends easily. I have my strengths, but this isn’t one of them. Dating was hard before diagnosis and it is practically painful now with so much “Uh, thanks but you take care of yourself…I”ll call you sometime” etc.

On the other hand since I wasn’t gregarious to start with, I am not in the position to miss being that way!

[weasel]

         Hey Thunter ,
                            After my AIDS diagnoses ,  We moved from Las Vegas , NV.  to

             A place in Missouri with FIFTY SEVEN  PEOPLE .

             I have become a recluse of sorts . My V.A,  treatment is 130 miles away !

             There are no malls  , shops , Diners ,  the basic things we would enjoy 

             I have grown happy to wonder my  big yard and play with what ever .

            No real need to  go out at night . where would I go ?   

             I did grown up painfully shy !   I will grow out of that when I grow up though 

             I can NOT say I miss the rat race , the stress of working 12 hour days !

             Board Meetings with people I really disliked , NOPE , Do not miss it !

            Life often seems very long  now . This has to be a good thing also !

           My life was  one busy day after the next . I may not have the money to do all

           I want , But at least I can sleep without worry .


                                 So ..... LIFE IS BETTER   .slower yes .
                                   reclusive yup !


                                                    But it is mine to do as I please ,
                                                                                                  Carl


       

[Mmmikey]

I have been struggling with this topic for a long time...  I'm trying at this point to push myself to find ways to improve the situation but... I'd have to give a resounding YES, HIV has had a hugely negative impact on my social life.  For one thing, having been dx'd in Feb 92, a whole lot of my old friends (and my former partner) are simply no longer around.  For another, SO damn much of gay social life is centered around the bar/club scene... I no longer drink (liver issues due to past use of ddi/d4t) or smoke, so hanging out in bars is a lot less appealing to me.  Also, due to facial & somatic lipoatrophy, I constantly feel "marked" (I've overheard some rather unkind remarks about having an "AIDS face") especially in a culture that's so focused on physique and appearance.  I won't even get into the online sites where so many profiles say "Negative only" or "D&D free" or simply "clean only".   All of this is only compounded by the fact that I am on disability and thus do not have work contacts or schedule that would bring me into daily contact w/others. 
As I said, I've really been trying to work on this issue lately, but it sure ain't easy. 

[denb45]

  Oh Carl, I love you man 

[denb45]

Mmmikey , honey I wouldn't worry too much about it, shit, I know I look like death warmed over, but I don't care as long as I'm healthy, that is really all that matters to me @ 55 yrs old   all of the shit I've done is all past-tense to me 

[gonzo]

 Most definitely!, before I was HIV+ I was hardly at home.
HIV caused me a lot of gastro issues, and the last thing I wanted to be was far away from a restroom, or having to explain why I kept running to the RR to people, so I chose to be reclusive.
I just recently started getting out some, but yeah I feel very awkward when it comes to meeting new people, and or interacting.
I chat with a few co-workers, but it's not exactly what I'd call socializing.

[Theyer]

Yes it has.

If I do not have time to myself to read , I think I would have many more difficulties to deal with . Its hard to get the balance right as I can also experience loneliness even when I have made sure that I am alone.

Some off this I will argue is age appropriate, and when I imagine how life might be had my late partner and I not become infected it is a more socialable active life that emerges

Energy levels play a part, Financial restraints also, it is what it is, and on the whole I am determined to make the most off the life i have but that life requires solitude .
t

[thunter34]

Its hard to get the balance right as I can also experience loneliness even when I have made sure that I am alone.

Ain't that the truth?  I've puzzled myself with that one many times over.

[RyanNeil]

Yes. I have always had social anxiety and as the years go on I tend to be more of a home body. I stopped drinking (for the most part) and dextoxed from pain pills after years on them in July. I realize how much I used my vices to be able to go out and be social. Being positive has not helped my mental issues.

[MitchMiller]

I'm also in the YES group.  Reasons:

1. Worrying about my employment.  The meds slow me down so I have to double down on my dedication to my job... which means much longer hours. 

2. I absolutely cannot drink alcohol with these meds.  Meds and alcohol just don't mix for me.  That's probably a good thing, but it put the nail in the coffin for any night life involving alcohol. 

3. Meds side effects.  Among others with HIV these wouldn't be an issue, but it's a wall between someone that's HIV- and someone that's HIV+: 
      - It's hard to predict how I will feel day to day so I don't like to make plans and then have to cancel. 
      - My brain is sometimes so foggy from a Sustiva hangover, that I feel like I'm conversationally deficient. 
      - Sustiva increases anxiety. That's one of its documented side-effects and it varies with me.  But if I start feeling anxious, it often seems to multiply.  The only way I can control it is with some really hard aerobic exercise.

4. Age.  Since I may live long enough to retire, I need to save $$$ for retirement (hopefully early retirement).  Right now, saving money is ranked among the most important things in my near-term life.  I'm less prone to $75+ meals at restaurants, $100 nights out at the clubs, vacation trips, etc., that I once did.  You might say I've become an old tight wad !!

[drewm]

Yes, ANN PREACH, I've been shitting on myself for 15 yrs. and finally this yr. 2011 I found, that what I have isn't related to AIDS at all, actually I was quite relieved by this news 

There is some satisfaction in knowing that we can still shit ourselves and it's not, necessarily, AIDS/HIV related! ROFLMAO!!!

[antibody]

Yes I used to be very social and a bit of an extravert. Kinda wild and out going but more and more I'd rather stay in. I feel more secure when I'm out with my boyfriend and will feel insecure when out by myself. I feel my appearance is that of an HIV patient, I feel everyone that looks at me knows.

[klassykitty]

I'm more reclusive, although I think some of that is because I don't have the friends here that I did before I moved away.   I have a small circle of friends that I see and don't venture far from them.  That is unusual for me, I'm normally the person that doesn't care about going out by myself and now I find that it can be "scary" at times.   I do think the HIV/AIDS is part of it.

Michelle



 

[denb45]

 I have a small circle of friends that I see and don't venture far from them. 

Michelle



 

A small circle of friends is all I have, that's not a bad thing 

[smiteler]

i guess i can blame hiv for this..i sort of blame myself
for letting it happen.
i was really good when i was in a relationship for a while until
after i split up with her.
 for a good period of time i tried really hard to find someone new.
i got discouraged and now, i don't even care to bother anymore.

getting rejected never bothered me in the past until i had hiv.
it planted inside of me a seed of doubt of myself,i never had before.

now i figure if i'm ever going to find love and companionship again
i will just have to buy another dog 

[Zohar]

I also used to be a real extrovert but have now become reclusive.  Part of that, though, is that my health failed and then I had to stop working, and now I have no money. I've also moved into my own place, which is a good thing, but means I'm even less minded to go out now.

I think there's a part of me that  now HATES my extroverted side as, somewhere in mind, I feel that if it wasn't for that part of my personality  I wouldn't have become infected with HIV in the first place. I think I've come to associate gay clubs/bars with negative things, like self-destructiveness, as well as a sense of feeling that I will be judged harshly for my HIV status (were it known), which makes the gay scene seem far more hostile than I ever used to experience it.

Before I was diagnosed the gay clubs and bars used to be my playground, but now, in as much as the dark thoughts that run through my mind whenever I'm there, it feels more like a battleground, and I look forward to the evening being over so I can snuggle into the safety of my own home and quiet solitude.

[BigDaneDogs]

Being poz was NEVER an issue for me for MANY years.  I didn't care and assumed others wouldn't either.  Over the years I have learned that others DO CARE!!!!!  They DO CARE to the point of being out right rude, judgemental and hateful so for about the past 6 months I just contend myself with my dogs and the joy they bring me and have pretty much py people aside.

[Cubwithaheart]

   Yes and no. I've been spending more time with the people I care for and a lot less time out in the bars. I still find myself shying away from group get togethers. 

[funkycj]

i used to be the life and sole of the party, up for any party or rave when i wasnt working, then i lost my job as i was having to much abscens becoz of the awful viral infections i kept getting and my work ' couldnt accomodate my needs as i would need to much time off which wasnt gud for the company ' this really kncoked my confidence in people and made me realise just how much stigma and ignorance some people still have regarding HIV which is ridiculous when you think about it, i have a few really gud mates but since finding out i was positive it made me realise jus who they were and the hanger ons and users who jus want a party and to get high all the time, its sad really that some people are so self indulgent and self absorbed but its one of lifes many harsh lessons i suppose, i have been bed bound for majority of the last year adn this made me find out who my true friends were, the ones that would come and help me change my bedding and cook meals for me and help me take meds, altho i hate realying on them most of the time they are the true friends and i would do no less ofr them if needed, but i still dont tend to want to go out clubbing and socialising that much anymore becoz im feeling to ill most of the time plus i dont wanna be around people that are users and hangers on and since getting poorly i have been iagnosed with depression which is just an added to my feeling down and crappy, and the meds for depression are awful and have dodgy side effects like excessive weight gain and funnily enuff makin me feel more depressed, im starting anti virals meds next week and hope that once they astart working and the side effects wear off i can concentrate on finding a new job, getting my old self back and goin out with friends
im sure life will get better its just these points in life that are crappy but cant be forever surely not

[Ann]

since getting poorly i have been iagnosed with depression which is just an added to my feeling down and crappy, and the meds for depression are awful and have dodgy side effects like excessive weight gain and funnily enuff makin me feel more depressed, im starting anti virals meds next week

Hi Funky, welcome to the forums.

You mentioned in one of your other posts that you are starting to think about combos for treatment and you mentioned Atripla as being one of the possibilities.

With your pre-existing depression issues, Atripla may not be the best fit for you. The Sustiva component of Atripla is known for both causing depression, and also for making pre-existing depression worse.

There are other combos you can start with and I would urge you to discuss this with your doctor, reminding him about your depression and the well-known possible depressive side-effect of Sustiva. Personally, I will not take Sustiva for this reason.

I'm also in the UK - kinda-sorta. I live in the Isle of Man but I travel to the Royal in Liverpool for my hiv-related health care.

Ann

[funkycj]

hi ann, my doctor sed they were 2 dif combos i cud take as first line treatment and briefly described the side efeects, atripla was one and the other was a combo of 4 different pills 2 b taken at dif intervals thru the day 4rm the NRTI's , im already takin several dif types of meds each day 4 other health problems and just sed i wud prefer 2 take the least amount of pills as i feel like a pill dispense atm, but if one of the meds in the atripla cud make my depression worse its worth thinkin bout the other pills, i have my pharmacist app nxt week and have been asked to take all my meds im currently on with me so mayb they will change the meds then if atripla wudnt be best suited, i cudnt deal with feelin n e more depressed than i have been recently so thanks for the advice, i just hope that if i do have to go with the other otion it isnt going to take longer to get the new prescription as i have been quite poorly for a while now and just want to start feeling better so i can start getting back on with my life and it just seems like such a drawn out process , many thanks for the info and advice tho and i will be sure to discuss these things with the pharmacist and update when i know more next week,
funkycj

[Ann]

Funky, there is another combo that is approved in the UK for first-line treatment and while it involves more than one pill it is only taken once a day - Reyataz 300mgs (more usually known by it's generic name - atazanavir - in the UK) boosted with 100mgs Norvir (aka ritonavir in the UK) plus Truvada (also a component of Atripla). It's the combo I plan to start with when it's time for me to start.

So it's three pills once a day. Some treatment naive people can take take two 200mgs Reyataz instead of boosting with Norvir, but that still comes out to three pills daily. At least it's only once a day.

I strongly recommend you rethink taking Atripla with your pre-existing depression issues. You probably need to know that a lot of doctors and/or pharmacists don't take the depression issues the can accompany Sustiva seriously - but they don't have to take the stuff and don't have first-hand experience. However, there are plenty of people who HAVE had first-hand experience and will tell you otherwise. There are quite a few people in these forums who have had this problem. Use the site's search engine to look for threads that mention Sustiva.

You can read more about the specific drugs involved by checking out our Treatments for HIV section. You might also want to check out the Lessons section. You'll find a wealth of information there and it's all written in plain, easy-to-understand English.

I'm sorry to hear you've been feeling progressively more and more poorly. Hopefully treatment will turn you around, but please learn about the various combos and do your best to make an informed choice. If whatever you choose first isn't a good fit, there are other combos you can try. Good luck and keep us posted.

[funkycj]

hey thanx for the information i am feeling much more in the know about the meds and the interactions with other meds and health problems, i am going to have a long chat with the pharmacist and discuss the issues which u raised and gave me info on, i wouldnt have known this stuff if it werent for yourelf and other posts, i shall not only be taking a list of my current meds but a list of questions and meds that may be more suited, coz i wanna feel better over time not bloody worse, its hard aswel becoz you dont get much time with the specialist doctor so they arent aware of other health issues that the GP deals with and even tho you try and discuss this with them you dont get much time at the app and plus theres other things weighing on your mind like VL and CD4 and other health problems that cud b or r directly due to the HIV which need discusssing, its a long drawn out process but hopefully will get better after starting meds, i shall keep you posted on wat and how the treatemnt is, many thnax for your advie and info you provided i really apreciate it
funkycj

[Ann]

You're welcome, Funky. That's what we're here for!

It's a great idea to take a list of your current meds as well as a list of questions. It's soooo easy to forget everything you want to ask. Make sure you write the answers down too - I can't tell you the amount of times I neglected to do that and forgot the answer as soon as I left the office.

Good luck and let us know how the discussion with the pharmacist goes.

[Matt39]

its hard aswel becoz you dont get much time with the specialist doctor so they arent aware of other health issues that the GP deals with and even tho you try and discuss this with them you dont get much time at the app

Hi funkycj

I see you are in the UK but I don't know where. However, I can say that at my HIV clinic in London the appointment time with my HIV Consultant is always a minimum of a half hour (that's twice as long as the most generous appointment time with a GP) and my clinic never refuse if I ask in advance for a 'double' appointment, ie one full hour. So I suggest you request that if you feel you need it.
The other thing is that if you have given consent to your HIV Clinic to share information with your GP, it can also work the other way too and you can request your GP to copy notes of any consultation to your HIV Clinic.
I do appreciate that outside of London and a small number of big cities, the choice of HIV Clinic is limited but, if you are in London and you request a longer HIV Specialist appointment time and your current clinic refuse it or make it difficult, then you could investigate changing clinics. They know very well that the 'money' for your patient treatment 'follows' you.

Good luck

[funkycj]

hi i am in brighton so we have one of he best clinics in britain but its a very buizy clinic so app's dont always seem to last very long now i am taking meds i think that i shall always go there and make sure i go thriough everything that needs answering , the staff there are nice but i suppose its not nice going to the clinic and dont always go there with all the questions i want answering, but  shall do in future, and since starting teh meds i will have more frequent apps so can make sure i dont miss out on any info i need, thanx for the advice anyways and its also good to know that when i go visit family i can go to the local hospital to pick up my prescription if need be,
and ann thanx so much for your advice i didnt start the atripla meds as i didnt want my depression to get any worse so i was put on the tenofoir, ritonavior, darunavir and emtricitabine combonation, its day 3 of taking me meds now, and today is a little better than the past 2 days, i just feel extremely tired, sick and very upset stomach more so than usual but not to much more than usual so i think this combination is the best at the moment to get my levels up and the viral infectiosn away then i can concentrate on getting my life back, which i cant wait for as this past year has been so crap , when you start meds if you suffer with depression i would suggest starting the combo i am on as it hasnt made my mood any worse than before , and the side effects arent to nice but not as bad as i though they would be so it seems that its ok at the moment , thanx very much for the advce adn shall keep posted on how the treatment is going
funky

[catlover]

This is my first post here.  I've been positive since March of 2006, on meds since 2008, great counts & undetectable.  Side effects from the meds make me somewhat reclusive - when I have one of what I call my "diarrhea days" I don't leave the house - for obvious reasons.  I also live in a relatively small town, and somehow quite a few people know my status, and there is a lot of ignorance in this community - in regards to how this virus can and cannot be acquired.  I've become more and more open about my status, but am still very very careful about who I disclose to, because I have a 14 year old child, and I would not want her to be ostracized at school, or to have inappropriate comments directed her way.  She has enough trouble fitting in and that would really be an obstacle for her.  So, bottom line - yes and no.  I go to an annual retreat put on by my ASO, and I can really be myself for those 3 days.  The rest of the time, HIV is my little secret.
Has anyone had any success on any HIV+ dating sites?  I am soon to be divorced, and having difficulty finding anyone to even talk to.

[BubbaPat]

Howdy thunter34!!

I used to think of myself as a very outward person and to some point, I still am but I too have noticed a change since being diagnosed.  Notice, its the diagnosis, not necessarily the HIV.

As you're read, there are many people affected by this so you're not alone.  Also by what you've read here, its a lot about who you hangout with, why you hangout them and where.

Used to I'd talk to anyone and make friends no matter how anxious I was in talking to them.  I figured if they stuck around, great, if not, well it was fun while it lasted.  Nowadays, I don't want to give people my energy unless they're going to hang around.

Not sure if this help but just know you're not the only one.

bubba hugs!
Patrick

[AsOne]

...
hi thunter34 - good post !
i like weasel-Carl's response - basically I'm free to do what I want
I'm male, 47, hiv for 15 years

I do a heart-level unity consciousness meditation overnight (nightly)
I just intend / visualize my surplus of energy connected with the core of the planet, the sun,  the galaxy,  the Universe and the Infinite
I start it before i go to bed and close it when i get up in the morning
this "recharges my batteries" to face the duality of our shared world each day

i've done this since early 2011 and it has helped me feel a sense of simplified purpose
it's just a tiny recalibration but it's made a huge difference
i share it in a spirit of empathy with all who have posted on this thread

((( hugs )))

[LongTimeSurvivor]

No...what made me reclusive was depression that had been building since my early 20s. The changes were noticeable to everyone but me. My NYC friends said that they could remember when I was very outgoing when they first met me but in the space of 20 years here...I reached the point where I seldom went out. It was a great concern to my friends but I brushed it off as I was just tired of bars.

Now that I'm on psych meds I've been eager to get out and meet people. I lost 30 years of my life to depression. Being HIV+ just is...it's not going to stop me from socializing/dating/etc. now that I have my life back.

[alberche]

This is going to be my sixth year living with HIV and, yes, I have become more reclusive.

It is true I have changed of work a couple of times and have not too much time for free, I also live in the suburbs and my friends and cultural activities are in city center, some one hour by train or car from home. As I get home so tired, and so late, I have no energy to go out again. With the passing of the time you think you get used to it, but what you get is bored, and tired again. So, it works in a kind of feedback.

Also, since one year or so I am feeling fatigue and lack of energy, I think due to meds, because my hormone levels (testosterone and tyroides), minerals and vitamins, are normal in all the last labs. But maybe also it is due to lack of motivation in work and in the rest of activities in my daily life. I don't know. My doc seems not being too worried about, since my labs are great so far.

Maybe it is some kind of message my mind and body are sending me in the sense I have to make some changes in my life. Maybe. I talked about this with a psychiatrist last year, and also with a psychologist at the hospital, but they were very unspecific and were not much of an aid for me.

So I am trying to sleep more, to rest a bit more and to take it as it comes; and also, a wait and see approach, rather to feeling worried or stressed about it. I don't think I am depressed, but only that I am now paying all efforts I did in the very first moments after being infected to cope with all this, keep working and trying my life wasn't too much wiped out by the fact of living with HIV. Fortunately, I feel good in my own skin and being at home, just resting listening to music or watching a good movie is OK for me.

[MarkB]

Yes. Definitely.

And while it would be nice in some ways to have someone in my life, I don't think it's ever going to happen. But I do have about a million books to read, and great country to walk in.

[SANJUANDUDE]

YES!!!!!  HIV has made me very reclusive.  My doctor has prescribed Paxil for me, but I have yet to take it.  I have an aversion to taking stuff like that.

[osric]

There are people who have been trying to make contact with me - some of them right here on this forum - that I felt panicked about for no damn good reason.  I know this on a rational level...yet still lock into that same pattern.

Have others here felt anything like this at all?  Do you attribute it mostly to a shyness or BPMD thing, or do you see it as some sort of HIV initiated thing or what?

I've definitely started isolating more. I experience a severe social anxiety -- it started when a whole series of life changes and meds al problems happened in 2008, and got significantly worse after my recent diagnosis.

When it's really bad -- like it is right now -- I spend a lot of time online but don't read responses to posts, don't answer my phone, avoid emails from some people, and only leave the house for specific trips for groceries or cigarettes.

I have some people I feel perfectly fine with, and I can function on trips and in some situations where I feel safe. It's when I'm at home that it's the worst; I even hide from my roommates.

My doc has tried medication and I'm in therapy, but not much has helped. It got worse after HIV, but for me it wasn't the cause.

I miss going out and spending time with friends.

[Rev. Moon]

Is The Walking Dead back?  Where the hell is Sharkie when I need him to take out some zombies?

[TexasPOZ]

I find it very interesting that you posted that. Yes, having HIV has made me more reclusive, and I never thought about it until I read your post. What I've found is that I just want to stay home more and not go out and deal with people. Sometimes it feels like it's just too much effort to pick up the phone, dial a number, and talk to a friend. I don't like making plans with people because I don't know how I'm going to feel when the day comes to do whatever we planned. If I'm feeling good, then yeah I want to call someone up and go do something, but by then they already have plans of their own. So I find myself going to restaurants alone, going to have coffee alone, going to the movies alone. And it doesn't bother me. This disease affects so much more than t-cells. You really gave me something to think about with your post. Thanks. Take care and best wishes for you.

[forrest]

I find it very interesting that you posted that. Yes, having HIV has made me more reclusive, and I never thought about it until I read your post. What I've found is that I just want to stay home more and not go out and deal with people. Sometimes it feels like it's just too much effort to pick up the phone, dial a number, and talk to a friend. I don't like making plans with people because I don't know how I'm going to feel when the day comes to do whatever we planned. If I'm feeling good, then yeah I want to call someone up and go do something, but by then they already have plans of their own. So I find myself going to restaurants alone, going to have coffee alone, going to the movies alone. And it doesn't bother me. This disease affects so much more than t-cells. You really gave me something to think about with your post. Thanks. Take care and best wishes for you.

Ditto!!!!!!

Although, I don't even want to go out and to things on my own.  It takes all the energy I have to just go to work (which I totally loathe and hate) and have no energy when I get home. I don't even like to be around people any more. Someone calls me, I just let it go to vm because I don't want the contact. However, what I truly deeply desire IS that contact!! How effed up is that? I am still coming to terms with it all I think... but it's been nearly a year and I don't feel like I have progressed at all    Probably a whole different topic... but yeah...  I totally am reclusive now. 

[Torchwood]

I am in the No Category. During the first year of intense rage and anger, nothing changed. As my VL started climbing I started taking up hobbies that I didn't think I would ever be able to do as a POZ. I continued with these activities as my VL climbed up. I went through the 3+ years of pain with my ankle (Dr. said it was possible my ankle wasn't healing because of the HIV). As I started to get close to the limits I had set for myself I had increased anxiety and depression. I started telling close friends of mine that I was POZ. I took up new hobbies thinking that there was no way in hell I was ever going to race a car again while being on medication.

Back Story: Back in 2006 I was going to get my USCG Captains License. I was flat out told "No" by the USGC because I was POZ and some of the meds could cause seizures. I lived with this bullshit until last year. Checked the current USCG requirements and that is no longer their backwards attitude. So since 2006-2011 I was under the impression that I could no longer do the potentially dangerous activities/sports I had enjoyed for so long as soon as I started meds.

I am currently on meds and have way too many damned hobbies all due to the USCG. For being the fat bastard I am, one would never guess that I am almost a Dive Master, Rescue Diver, Race Car Driver, Baja Racer, Motorcycle Rider, Rower (practicing for an ocean row boat race), and Boat Captain.

My point being...You do not have to become reclusive. In my case, I still plan on living forever (or at least to be a very old man), it has brought me out of my shell to start doing the things in life I have always wanted to do. In the process, I have made some great friends out of my hobbies who are comfortable with my POZ.

[Rhaegar]

I definitely have noticed that I stay in more.  Like someone mentioned above, it seems like a lot of the activities my friends are into involve bars or drinking, and that really doesn't appeal to me anymore.  It also doesn't help that I live in northern manhattan, "far" from my friends in other neighborhoods or boroughs.

I'm totally an introvert.  I work in healthcare, so I'm constantly around people.  It takes its toll and I all I want to after work is curl up on my couch with a book.  My dog keeps me company.

[Flugufrelsarinn]

Nei, I haven't become reclusive from the medication, but from my ex. 

The only reason why I don't go outside of work much, make plans is not from an addiction to the internet, but because I wasn't allowed to see a majority of my friends from when I was with my ex a year back.  I'm attempting to change that, as of now.

I'm not afraid to go outside either, but due to the past and now because of taking the medication, on most days I feel lazy, sleepy and inconfident.  I'm starting to get better, and take random walks around downtown, but at the same time, I hate asking people if they would like to come for a walk or coffee, because I hate disturbing others, as I hate being disturbed myself.

I'm always up for a beer, but I don't want to drink much anymore.

[nursepoz24]

it made me more reclusive. always want to go home early.

[Rockin]

Well, just to change the mood a little, I still drink like a bastard. I do get some bad hangovers sometimes but I can`t tell if its because of the virus.

HIV did not change my habits at all. If Im reclusive sometimes its due to a shortage in money 

[Gomenasai]

I have always been an indoors guy, but the HIV changed the way i relate with people and i rather be alone than next to the wrong ones.

[Mishma]

Yes

[Common_ground]

No, but I enjoy being alone more, not that I am annoyed by the company of others but HIV forced me to make peace with who I really am and I am no longer as restless as I were before.I also learned to value and appreciate things that really matters.

I also feel less stressed out after being dxd HIV, before I was the type of guy who had tons of "what ifs" and worries for nothing, sweating the small stuff, but since the HIV bomb dropped down on me it made me realize that everything is not in my hands.
In some situations when I feel stressed out I just think of HIV and that things can go either way, it makes me relaxed.

Dont know if this is odd thinking, but Im "only" 27 and poz for a couple of months.

[Bbnb]

I don't believe the HIV has made me more reclusive.  I do have my moments where I want to stay home and shut myself away but that was true before my diagnosis. 

I still go out with friends , activities, meet new friends, etc. 

[Alan_B]

I think it has done, by knocking my confidence (I was never confident before anyway). I dont like big social things anymore, and havnt been to a club either.

I simply fear the rejection which is inevitable in alot of cases. (romantically speaking)

[Rockin]

since the HIV bomb dropped down on me it made me realize that everything is not in my hands.
In some situations when I feel stressed out I just think of HIV and that things can go either way, it makes me relaxed.

That right there...I feel the same way. I would even dare to say that 90% of my life is not in my control, as much as i try to. Some people freak out when they think about it but I actually feel more relaxed. I try to make my own decisions and to steer my life to the direction I want, but I have the wisdom to know that anything can happen.  And I do not plan that far ahead. I'm living in the present and the near future.

[Kris country]

o hell

I thought this was me LOL

I have spent as much time hiding away from friends family-- i thougnt i was the only one.. I asked my dr is this normal
she didnt have anythin to say....

it is confidence...i never had much anyway..

it took me even 2 months to have the balls to join this site..

I am glad I am not alone in this...

[AnonymousGuy]

   I have always been introverted in the past.  My mouth isn't going a mile a minute trying to tell someone every little thing that runs through my mind.  I'm just not like that.  At parties when friends are mingling and roaming around, I seem to find myself most comfortable sitting and observing, and not really being an active part of what's going on.
   Since I was diagnosed with HIV, it's gotten worse, though.  It seems that I don't trust anyone much farther than I can throw them.  I tried to be outgoing and generous in previous situations, but always seemed to get burned.
   As far as sex is considered, I generally don't have it anymore.  I prefer to be alone for that.  A huge part of that is my feeling about my HIV status.  I know that I"m damaged goods, and if I'm not careful, I could spread this to a sex partner.  I don't want to have that on my shoulders, so I avoid it.
   Overall, my status is a secret.  Only a  handful of people know about it, and that's how I want it to be.  My family has no idea at all.  Only one person at work knows, and that's because she insisted I tell her what was bothering me so deeply.  Only one person in church knew, and he's passed away now.  Two of my friends know because one of them is in the "in" crowd of HIV pos people.  I have a half brother who is positive, but doesn't know that I am.  So, I am really dealing with this alone.  Sometimes I wish it would all go away.  Sometimes I want to go back 18 years and take better precautions to stay negative.  Sometimes I want to end it all. But none of those things will come to pass.  I just keep pressing on day to day, and wait for it all to be over.
Taking so many pills every day for the rest of my life is a real downer.  You don't realize how demanding that is to keep track of until you have to do it yourself.  My mom had medical problems for many, many years, and took pills every day.  I feel like her, now.
Well, I just wanted to add my 2 cents to your list of replies.  Thanks for asking.

[Solo_LTSurvivor]

Taking so many pills every day for the rest of my life is a real downer.  You don't realize how demanding that is to keep track of until you have to do it yourself.  My mom had medical problems for many, many years, and took pills every day.  I feel like her, now.
Well, I just wanted to add my 2 cents to your list of replies.  Thanks for asking.

I'm not making light of what you're dealing with.  I was under the impression that you are switching regimens because you were asking questions about the side effects of Epzicom.

Even so, it's not like you're gonna be on thousands of pills if you do start this specific regimen.  I've been on Epzicom for years and the only other antiviral I take in combination with it is Sustiva and I take both of them at bedtime.

If you don't mind me asking, what other pills are you taking in order to feel that you will be on so many for the remainder of your life?

[Miss Philicia]

I could take both of my +75 y.o. parents together, and their pills, triple both of them, and it still be less than half of what I've taken since I was in my late 20's.

[Solo_LTSurvivor]

AG:

I just went back and re-read your latest post again.  I'm just wondering if you've ever thought about maybe speaking with someone because it seems like harboring the fact that you're poz is really having a profound effect upon you. And because you have so much contained inside (without being able to release it -- not saying that you have to shout it from the rooftops and tell everyone) -- you're focusing on things that really shouldn't be major issues: like the number of pills you have to take to control your hiv.

You're not treatment naive, so I don't understand any anxiety you might have over having to take meds.  Maybe you can offer a bit more insight?

If I didn't know any better, it seems like you have a lot of anxiety over the fact that you can't turn back the clock and wave a magic wand to become neg again -- and somehow because of this, you feel you are tainted and that is adding to the burden of what you're dealing with.

Even if you don't end up speaking to someone professionally, it might help to just post to these forums and be "heard" by the other members here -- to get things out in the open, if you will.

[thunter34]

I swig down 7 pills a day - including psyche pills - but it is still just once a day dosing to my mind, so the actual number of pills is almost irrelevent to me.  Another thing about it is this:  I've long since gotten in the swing of it when it comes to meds.  The bottle is grabbed almost without thought first thing in the morning just as routinely as socks are put on, and they are swigged down with the coffee and juice at breakfast.  Done.  For the day. 

I'm not trying to minimize that the drugs are potent.  They are.  But today's meds and the dosing is nowhere near the old days of setting your clocks to go off every 4 hours around the clock, day and night - or else.  Now THAT was work...and fortunately nothing I had to deal with.  The point I'm making is that after awhile dosing has been incorporated into my "new normal" and I give very little thought to that particular part of it.  (I worry far more about keeping the supply coming!)

I get where you are coming from, AG.  I have experienced brief "meds fatigue" at one point, but quickly got past it.  The far bigger problem - that Solo hit - is that you are slogging through this virtually alone.  For 18 years??  Wow.  You've got to break that solitude.  It's not good for the soul to have to bear burdensome secrets like that.

[Rockin]

Two of my friends know because one of them is in the "in" crowd of HIV pos people.  I have a half brother who is positive, but doesn't know that I am.  So, I am really dealing with this alone.  Sometimes I wish it would all go away. 

What is the "in" crowd of HIV pos people? Rich pozzies or something?

And you say you have a half brother who is also positive. Why not tell him about you're status then? Wouldn't it be nice to talk to someone who understands what you are going through?

[Solo_LTSurvivor]

And you say you have a half brother who is also positive. Why not tell him about you're status then? Wouldn't it be nice to talk to someone who understands what you are going through?

The short answer: NO.

Hi everyone.
  I spoke to my dr. today about starting the new drug, and he assured me that since I passed the hypersensitivity test I should have no problem with the long list of possible allergic reactions.  He also told me that the SE of the drug shouldn't be a problem either.  So I'm taking his word for it that the transition will be a fairly smooth one.  In a month or so, I will let you all know how it's going... hopefully all will be ok.
  Thanks to all you nice people who responded to my post.  It may well be that this forum site will prove to be a welcome place to drop by for updates and things like that.  I'm not comfortable talking about this stuff in person to friends (and NEVER to family) so this will be the place where I ask for help or a shoulder or whatever I need to get over the latest hurdle.
  Till next time,

A B

[tednlou2]

Yes.  My reply would be too long, if I went into too many details.  I'll just say it has changed me.  I do believe the biggest issue is depression and anxiety.  I just don't feel at peace.     

[Valmont]

No, but sometimes, it is hard for me to deal with light conversations, sound for me that many neg people are not able to deal with simple problems, it made me feel a little insensible maybe and I don´t have a lot of patience with that, but did not made me reclusive...

Since I have HIV, I decided to get the entire control of my life and enjoying it.  I have always had little friends, but I like to meet new people.  I have many plans at short and long sight...

And the most important has been always to be able to do anything that makes me forget about my HIV, the worst I can do is to be alone or not doing anything... 

[GSOgymrat]

I don't know if it is HIV, age or what but I have an increasing desire to isolate. It seems the more time I spend on forums like this one the more alienated I feel. I enjoy my friends in real life but online comments seem to be wearing me down more than enriching my life. I'm very happy when I am not online. Facebook is particularly irritating. I have never liked Facebook because it is the online equivalent of small talk and chit chat, which I find useless. I read comments on various forums and it becomes increasingly obvious I don't think the way most people do. I feel like the only thing I have in common with the members of this forum is a virus. I already stop participating in another forum, not related to HIV, because people were so cynical and critical I couldn't take it, with topics like "Is it ethical to sacrifice your children in order to win wars?"  I want to delete my Facebook account and stop participating in my online forums but I know isolating generally isn't healthy. I used to not get so annoyed and I have been unable to identify what in my thought process has changed. I am vacillating between ending all online social networking or staying and developing new coping strategies.

[RemyG1971]

I have always been a private person and only hung around the same people for quite a while. I still do the things I do, I surf as much as work allows, I never go to Bars/Clubs (I don’t drink so these never appealed to me in the first place). I would have to answer YES & NO. 

[skeebo1969]

I don't know if it is HIV, age or what but I have an increasing desire to isolate. It seems the more time I spend on forums like this one the more alienated I feel. I enjoy my friends in real life but online comments seem to be wearing me down more than enriching my life. I'm very happy when I am not online. Facebook is particularly irritating. I have never liked Facebook because it is the online equivalent of small talk and chit chat, which I find useless. I read comments on various forums and it becomes increasingly obvious I don't think the way most people do. I feel like the only thing I have in common with the members of this forum is a virus. I already stop participating in another forum, not related to HIV, because people were so cynical and critical I couldn't take it, with topics like "Is it ethical to sacrifice your children in order to win wars?"  I want to delete my Facebook account and stop participating in my online forums but I know isolating generally isn't healthy. I used to not get so annoyed and I have been unable to identify what in my thought process has changed. I am vacillating between ending all online social networking or staying and developing new coping strategies.

Wow Ford, I can relate to this so much...  Whether it's facebook, family, friends, or work -- I just don't seem to have time for the negativity.  My facebook account is probably only active to remain current with what is going on with three people.

I think I have become a better husband and father, so perhaps that's more of a cause than anything.  The time spent online has dwindled and the trade off has been more quality time for self and others important to me.

As I'm getting older I notice the months just seem to fly off the table..... I am realizing just how short this life is and how precious time can be.

[Jeff G]

As I'm getting older I notice the months just seem to fly off the table..... I am realizing just how short this life is and how precious time can be.

I identify with this big time as well as what Ford shared .