POZ Community Forums

Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: Matty the Damned on April 19, 2007, 06:37:11 pm

Title: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: Matty the Damned on April 19, 2007, 06:37:11 pm
Guys,

I awoke this morning to a PM from Siang (Water Duck) containing more information about Herman. It's important enough that I think I should post it publicly. Herewith the PM:

Dear Gentlemen,

Out of respect for Herman, who do not anymore drama; i am sending you both this short note.

I spent fri & sat 13 & 14 with Herman; we went out to the restro....
then i tired calling him for 2 days, no replies, no return calls either.

On the 18, got a mail from Herman informing me of his wish to do euthanasia in the hospital, i am in total shock and had been crying since then, tried calling him again, just then, he has hang up his phone, there is no way i can get in touch with him . In my hour distress, i would really prefer that this be kept quiet and private, unless he reply to this thread on his own. I just want to share this sad news with you both, hope you could accomodate me on my wish for privacy. Sorry, i can't go on, i am crying too much.

Siang


emphasis added by Matty the Damned

It was a previous PM from Siang which prompted my other thread on this matter.

Yes I know it's a PM. Yes I know Siang wants me (and presumably any others he sent this to) to keep this news private. Matty the Damned, however, does not allow common courtesies to interfere with matters of life and death. I'm sorry Siang, but you're just going to have to live with the fact that I didn't respect yours or Heman's privacy.

Now I don't expect people to go stampeding around like hairy goats about this. I have no way of contacting Hermie and I don't know anyone who does. Other than Siang. I don't expect anything of anyone.

I just felt I shouldn't keep this to myself.

MtD
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: Boo Radley on April 19, 2007, 07:07:59 pm
Matty,

This is so sad.  Herman's email address isn't in his profile and he hasn't logged in since April 7th.   I have no idea what his phone number is but apparently none of these modes will get words of love and support to him.  Does Siang know Herman is at home or not?  I am unsure after reading his message.   I know the last month or so has been emotionally draining for Hermie but he seemed to be OK, or so I thought.

Euthanasia laws require several months investigation before a determination is made unless the person is in pain and death is imminent anyway.  At least I think that's how they work where elective euthanasia is legal. 

What, if anything, can we do?  If sending email or calling him or anything else might help please share your suggestions. 

Thanks.
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: LatinAlexander on April 19, 2007, 09:26:15 pm
F*CKING VIRUS!

HERMAN, MAN! I HOPE PEACE REACH YOUR HEART AND BODY!!!

Alex
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: Life on April 19, 2007, 09:52:04 pm
Matty I talked with Hermie about 3 weeks ago and he was very optomistic about life.  Someting has gone very wrong for him to move this far south that fast..   I know he was waiting on his results of the surgery and that was the last I had contact with him...   Please I hope this is not true!

Hugs,

Eric
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: HIVworker on April 20, 2007, 12:19:30 am
That's bad news. I thought he was doing OK..

R
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: Jeffreyj on April 20, 2007, 12:41:53 am
I spoke to him about 3 weeks ago. He seemed OK but not great. I just sent him an email last night, with no reply yet. I will keep you posted.
Thank you Matty.

I will continue to reach out to him.
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: aztecan on April 20, 2007, 01:01:34 am
It has been a while since I communicated with Herman, but at the time, he seemed fine.

I don't know what could have led him to this decision. Something must have gone terribly wrong.

Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: Matty the Damned on April 20, 2007, 01:04:41 am
Dan J has PM'd me and provided me with some email addresses. Also a phone number from Europe somewhere. I checked the Spin Cycle administrators page and Herman's email address was no longer listed. He must have changed it.

MtD
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: Robert on April 20, 2007, 01:15:41 am
It breaks my heart. 

Herman, please, please get better.  I've told you this before.  I love you.

robert

 
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: Matty the Damned on April 20, 2007, 03:02:51 am
Just so people know, I've emailed Hermie at an address that both Jeffreyj and Dan J gave me. If I hear anything I'll let people know.

MtD
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: eirin on April 20, 2007, 05:25:14 am
Just got notified about this post by Melia. I am in total shock!

Got an email from Herman the 12th of this month, he was very sad and depressed,
but I didn't realize it was this bad.

Sent him a mail minutes ago, if I hear anything I will also let you know. Haven't got his number so I can't reach him by phone.

Dear Herman, if you read this: "I want to hear your wonderful laughter again, please reconsider, we need you!"

Eirin

P.S. Siang, thank you for being such a good friend!



 
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: mjmel on April 20, 2007, 06:13:56 am
Thanks MtD for sharing this news with forum friends & acquaintances of Herman.
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: Basquo on April 20, 2007, 08:38:08 am
I can't believe you're talking about the man who was all smiles in August, who sent me a sweet email in November...this just breaks my heart.
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: AlanBama on April 20, 2007, 10:00:17 am
Herman,

I'm sending love and prayers your way, dear friend.  I just wonder if you really know how much you are loved by so many people...

 :'(

Alan

PS - thanks for letting us know Matty, you did the right thing.
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: Andy Velez on April 20, 2007, 10:22:10 am
Dear All,

I appreciate the concern being expressed here. I also want to say that I don't think any responsible medical facility is going to be participating in euthenasia without having some serious safeguards in place. It is not going to be operating as a Final Exit Hotel to just check into.

Hermie has expressed some very depressed and discouraged thoughts and feelings in the past and then eventually come out of it. Lately it has seemed to me to be more shadow than sunshine in his entries. I would expect that at any hospital he maybe involved with there are professionals who are accustomed to dealing with depression and differentiating that from the end-stage situations which happen with all kinds of illnesses.

If Hermie is reading any of this thread then he knows people care about him and want him to come back. I hope he gets the help he needs right now and is able to come back.

I don't see there's much for us to do about the situation, as painful as it can be to accept that, beyond letting him know we are thinking about him and wishing him well.

And as far as the question of Matty having "violated a confidence," when it involves possibly saving someone's life, not reaching out to help a friend (or even a stranger) seems to me a nicety best forgotten about. I don't believe in getting into "saving" anyone, but responding with care to someone in need, well that's a big part of what we're here for isn't it?

 
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: Queen Tokelove on April 20, 2007, 11:09:37 am
OMG! I love Hermie and his posts has often given me something to think about. Although I do not know what he is going through, but from what I am reading here, there is obviously something serious going on. For those who emailed him, I hope he sees them and hopes it will show him how much he is loved. Come back Hermie, we all love you and miss you.

Matty, I think Water Duck will understand about you posting and frankly, I am glad you did. I am also glad that Water Duck told you or else we would be in the dark about this. I am praying for you Hermie.
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: david25luvit on April 20, 2007, 11:26:19 am
In my opinion when people start talking about taking their own lives....its generally a cry for help.
I can only hope that Herman gets the help he needs to turn this situation around.

Prayers and Good wishes Herman.........

and thank you Matty for bringing this to our attention.
(who for all his bantor, is a pretty nice guy!)
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: Joe K on April 20, 2007, 11:57:22 am
Herman and I have talked and he is facing some real challenges in his life and given his history with depression, he is just having a very difficult time right now.  I believe it is best for just one or two members to try and contact him, so we do not overwhelm him.  I also believe it is disrespectful to share personal facts about Herman and/or to speculate on his mental status, without having all the facts and we should just stick to good wishes.

Herman, dear friend, please contact someone and let them know that you are still with us.  We do not need details, nor do we wish to intrude on your privacy, but you have many friends here and you know that we all love you.  Please tell us you are still here.  You know what it can mean when you think this way... call me, anyone, please, we are very afraid for you.

All my love, Joe
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: Christine on April 20, 2007, 11:59:25 am
Herman,

Your posts have always been an inspiration to me. I never met you, never spoke to you in person, but your words on the forums have touched me greatly, and have helped get me through some difficult times.

I hope you find peace.

If you are able, could you post just to let us know what is going on.

Sending you good thoughts and prayers.


Matty,
Thank you for letting us know.

Christine
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: Lisa on April 20, 2007, 02:43:01 pm
Hermie mon cher'
I understand, and am distressed to know that you are in a rough spot right now. I'm sure Lola is kissing you, and comforting you.
Sweetie, Tyke, and I send giant hugs, and many kisses to you.
All my love,
            lisa(maw)  :-*  :-*
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: heartforyou on April 20, 2007, 04:17:33 pm
Sorry if the following seems inconsistent and incoherent. But that is how I feel.

Just trying to explain what is going on.
I am screaming inside. I am hurting. I am dying inside.
Screaming from the bottom of my soul.
Screaming for help, because I can't cope anymore.
I have completely isolated myself.
But I am getting help, so please, this is no threat.
I just lived through the four darkest days in my entire life, and I had some dark ones before.

I have just returned from the hospital, where I had a 2 hour  talk with my HIV doc and the psychiatrists.
My depression has reached unseen depths and that clearly scared them as much as it did me.

I can't has switched to I won't.
Most of you have suffered a great deal in life. It feels  selfish now, but I need to write it down.
This is the  list of stuff that happened to me in the last 1 ½ year :
-   temporary paralyses of my right side
-   suspicion of brain hemorrhage
-   buffalo hump growth within 3 days
-   suspicion of brain tumor
-   several strange rises in cortisol
-   serious burnout, followed by depression
-   my husband falls in love with another man and “leaves” me
-   the business goes down, because I wasn’t able to work
-   the bailiffs start to show up
-   I start having problems to pay my staff
-   The guy I fall in love with in Toronto on my first AMG turns extremely abusive and aggressive in    the next 6 months ( he was a morphine addict).
-   The sale of the business takes 1 ½ year longer than planned
-   I face bankruptcy
-               My best friend Magda kills herself, just when I was about to walk in her doorstep july 27th
-              2 tumors are removed from my rectum. They turn out to be malign. I am in constant pain.
-   I fall in love with Dan ( positive fact)
-   Sell my business and loose $ 125.000 and am left with $ 40.000 in debts
-   I am free  and fly to the the US to be with  my love Dan.
-   What happened there is beyond anyones imagination. I was left on my own, 8000 miles away from home. I want to keep the details private, but it was not just a simple breakup. It left me shattered.

Too much is too much.
I just broke into pieces, stopped eating, drinking, showering, shaving, taking meds…
I look and smell  like a homeless person.

I just want you all to know I was in the darkest of all places when I decided to ask. for Euthanasia. After today I have agreed to be admitted to a mental clinic for a longer stay.

All of you : thank you for being here.
I mentioned today that AMG Toronto in summer 2005 was one of the highlights of my entire life.

Matty, you smelled it right, once more. Thank you.
Siang, you are a true friend. Thank you.
And Joe… you know where I have been. Darkes then black and very very very isolated.

It feels like I have returned to the living, but I still feel dead inside.
Thank you for just being here and writing these words.

I am ashamed of myself.
I am crying here, because I, who survived 20 years of HIV cold not cope with life anymore. I am so ashamed.
Please forgive me.

Please give me some time.. ..I feel so destroyed.

Herman
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: milker on April 20, 2007, 04:27:20 pm
I cannot start to imagine the pain you have gone through. I wish from the deepest of my heart that you will recover quickly with the help of your friends and the clinic.

Milker.
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: Central79 on April 20, 2007, 04:34:46 pm
Dear Herman

I don't know you, but I just wanted to post and let you know that I'm thinking of you and hope you are able to find the resources to deal with the huge number of overwhelming things that have happened to you over the past 18 months.

I enjoy reading your posts, and hope you will soon return. Please do whatever you need to do to take the best care of yourself.

Yours,

Matt.
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: water duck on April 20, 2007, 05:07:17 pm
MIRACLES can happen !!

Welcome back to the living, darling, i am there for you !!

CALL WHEN YOU ARE READY.

Siang
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: Alain on April 20, 2007, 05:11:42 pm
Herman dearest,

Don't be ashamed and get better soon.

Time you have and I'll be thinking of you.

Take care. Alain :-*
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: Christine on April 20, 2007, 06:07:36 pm
Herman,

(((((Hugs)))))

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Christine
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: dtwpuck on April 20, 2007, 07:59:39 pm
Herman... I have no words which will make it better. 
The only thing I can think of is that the world will be diminished if your light goes out.
Sometimes troubles can be overwhelming.  It might seem that the world is crashing around you. 

I am saddened and dismayed that you are so troubled...

It sounds to me like there are many people on here who would talk to you if you reach out.  You are not alone.
 
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: Jody on April 20, 2007, 08:33:33 pm
Dear Hermie...All the love shown to you lets you know how much so many people care about you, myself included...You are a fighter and will battle on...Bad stuff has happened and better days are on the horizon and you are not alone.

Love always, Jody
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: RobT on April 20, 2007, 09:14:22 pm
Matty-
Thanx for makeing us aware of Hermie's dilemma. My heart goes out.

Rob
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: Andy Velez on April 20, 2007, 09:37:04 pm
Great to hear from you, Hermie.

Man, you have nothing to be ashamed about so please don't go there for one milli-second more. No kidding. That's just what I call "the high school voice of death" which is always critical and hangs around waiting to bat you over the head. 

Take some deep breaths please whenever you're feeling like it's all hopeless. There's something about having lungs full of even the crappy oxygen we breathe that helps with getting out from under.

We're friggin' glad you're back.

Cheers,
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: DingoBoi on April 20, 2007, 10:27:06 pm
I think you are a really great guy hermie.

Nothing to be ashamed about. 
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: OzPaul on April 20, 2007, 10:31:17 pm
Dear  Hermie

It is indeed great to hear from you ! As Andy said, no need to apologise. We are here to support and nurture each other, our global family. You have shown me kindness overtime and I send you this back ten fold.

It's good to know that you're seeking help from professionals who can help see you through these dark and difficult times.

Please know that there are many folks here who love you and will welcome you back with arms (and hearts) wide open, when you are ready to come back.

Take good care
Paul
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: Teresa on April 20, 2007, 11:24:02 pm
Herman,

You are in my thoughts and prayers!

Love & Hugs
Teresa
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: Jeffreyj on April 21, 2007, 03:12:40 am
Hermie you are truly a great man. You are brave, loving, and a true inspiration to so many of us with HIV.
Now it is time for Hermie to take care of Hermie. A time long over due.

I am so very proud to call you my friend.

Take all the time you need.

Much love,
Jeff
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: J.R.E. on April 21, 2007, 03:22:37 am
Hello Herman,

Just want you to know that I am sending good thoughts your way, and thinking of you daily. As others have said, it is now time, to take care of yourself. Don't ever be ashamed of crying, it's one thing that keeps me emotionally intact at times. Your a survivor herman, and you will get through this...



(((((HUGS))))--------Ray
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: DanielMark on April 21, 2007, 05:44:45 am
Hello Herman,

We don't know each other, but reading through this thread I'm relieved to see you are reaching out for help now. I hope you'll find meaning in your life again and that it's still worth living. Be good to you.

Daniel
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: Moffie65 on April 21, 2007, 06:29:09 am
Seeing the outline of your reality.....................
Feeling the pain of your reality............
Knowing the strength of our friend in Belgium...........
Fearing the reality of your pain...........
Knowing the weakness of my soul..........
Herman, I have held off pouring out my thoughts, feelings, and panic, and it has left me weak in the knees.  I have not the words to express my heart to you, as I am not capable of holding up under the pressure of your reality.  I know I would not be able to walk your path, so I just wanted you to know that I have been, and remain, your friend. 

Nothing to guide you with, nothing to say, nothing to do, only questions, only love, and only a concern that you my dear friend can find your way through and out the other side, to the light of balance and happiness once again.  I know you are not only capable, but also are worth the effort and worth the work that must be done.

My thoughts and heart are scattered, but know this, my love for you is unending, and I long for the day I can embrace you and let you once again know that in person.

Love, your friend, Tim.
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: heartforyou on April 21, 2007, 10:36:48 am
There is so little I can say right now.
I feel bad, because I want to reply to posts, help people, reach out....until I realise that I need help myself this time.

Let me tell you that each and every response means the world to me.

Yes Joe, this thread helped me to come back.

Tim, I had log felt your pain. Believe me, our connection is still there. I so understand the place you are in....just know that I can sense your intentions.

I want to write about my experience later on, when my willpower and strength is back. Also want to write about my recovery. Maybe I should start a blog...

I talked to Eric (Life) yesterday. He is an heaven's angel sent to me. Thank you for being here.

I am going to the Buddhist temple on sunday with Siang. It is a true victory over my depression to go, but I know the energy will be right for me.

Herman
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: Life on April 21, 2007, 11:13:50 am
Hermie..  There are so many who love you here..   

Hugs,


Eric
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: heartforyou on April 22, 2007, 05:23:11 pm
I just returned from a day at the Buddhist temple with Siang ( Waterduck) Even got to meditate for a while. Scary when you are depressed.

Let me openly say this : as bitchy and sharptongued Siang may seem in some of his responses, as golden is his heart .
This man has showed me pure kindness and love as a friend, unconditionally.
What I really want to say is this : meeting people in real life is so enriching.
Being able to look in eyes that understand, being face to face, actually feeling someones bodywarmth can completely change the impression  the same person creates on paper.

Living in Europe, I miss seeing all my American friends from the Forum.

Tomorrow I will find out more about the therapeutic center I will be admitted to.
I am scared, but curious at the same time to find out more about myself.
You all have been a mirror to me many times. I have seen ugly sides of myself, but you have also showed me the true loving, caring, sharing, warm Hermie, in your responses.
This frozen heart just needed every single one of your comments.

Thank you, and know that there is a lot more suffering and loneliness here then we may think.

In love and gratitude,

Hermie
Title: Re: About Herman: Something Matty the Damned Thinks We Should All Be Aware Of
Post by: Joe K on April 22, 2007, 05:47:26 pm
Dearest Hermie,

Glad to hear from you dear friend and I am pleased that are seeking the help that you so desperately need.  You know you never need to apologize to me, nor ask for my forgiveness, because you have done nothing wrong.  After reading what you have been going through, you should be amazed at yourself for how strong you have remained.  Honestly, reread what you wrote because all that turmoil would have claimed a weaker person.

You know I love you and support you unconditionally.  I am here for you to share your life and offer my support.  We share a mental illness and you never have to explain just how dark your dark is.  My only hope is that you find the contentment that you so richly deserve.  You know I am here.

All my love. Joe