Confirmed Positive test result today- World turned upside down

[spacebarsux]

I am 27 M in India and Gay. I tested pos on Western Blot as well as the Elisa Test. I am finding it so hard to come to terms with this fact. I feel like my world is completely destroyed.

My family doesn't know anything about my sexuality at all - they would be shattered. I also don't know how long i have had this for. I never ever had unprotected sex with anyone except my bf and he test NEG. I guess i must have slipped up at some point in the past- have no idea how far back. I remember some risky things tried 4-5 years back so that has to be it.

At the moment i feel healthy but mentally fucked. I am having suicidal thoughts.

[hope_for_a_cure]

spacebar,

I just read your post here and know that your mind at the moment is filled with many thoughts.  Please purge the thought of suicide out of it if you can. 

I may not be the best one here to advise you on healthcare options in India, but do know that you can treat this virus and maintain reasonably good health moving forward.  Welcome aboard and don't count out support from your family and friends.  Only you will know if and when the time to disclose to them is right.  In my case, I was in the hospital with PCP next to death when I disclosed to my mother the fact that I am gay and had full blown AIDS.  From my read, you are not at that point... be thankful of that.

These forums will offer a wealth of information and support.  My heart goes out to you right now as this is a huge blow.  Try to find inner strength to deal with this situation if you can.  Best wishes to you!

[hope_for_a_cure]

I do want to add one thing.  You may be YEARS away from starting meds.  Consult with you Infectious Disease Specialist on that aspect of your future. 

[Andy Velez]

Space, nothing you are feeling or talking about is anything unusual for someone who has just tested positive. And despite all of your fears and concerns, your life is going to go on and it's still going to be a good life.

Most important for now is that you have good follow-up with your doctor who will monitor your numbers. That's essential for having a good partnership to keep you healthy.

Gradually you are going to learn whatever you need to know to stay healthy and to get on with your life. You're always welcome here to ask questions and to talk about anything that is on your mind. You can speak openly here about anything that concerns you.

While we're never happy to hear of someone testing positive, we're glad that you have found your way here. You are among friends who understand your situation. You can draw on the great experience and concern of everyone here.

Welcome.

[spacebarsux]

Thanks very much Andy Valez and Hope_for_a_cure. I really appreciate your support. I will get a meeting with my doctor next week. I need a few days for this to sink in. At the moment, I am also feeling incredibly guilty of having put my boyfirend at risk.

Our last sexual encounter was on 6th of Dec i think. We had very brief unprotected penetrative sex where i was the top but did not come. He tested NEG on Feb 1st. I want him to get re-tested in another month. As i understand it, the chance of the test comin back positive a month from now, is ridiculously small, right?

[spacebarsux]

Also, at the moment- more than the disease itself, i am having a very very hard time coping with the fact that i am now HIV positive. In this country it is a very loaded term with too much stigma attached to it.
 I feel like human trash

[Matty the Damned]

Thanks very much Andy Valez and Hope_for_a_cure. I really appreciate your support. I will get a meeting with my doctor next week. I need a few days for this to sink in. At the moment, I am also feeling incredibly guilty of having put my boyfirend at risk.

Our last sexual encounter was on 6th of Dec i think. We had very brief unprotected penetrative sex where i was the top but did not come. He tested NEG on Feb 1st. I want him to get re-tested in another month. As i understand it, the chance of the test comin back positive a month from now, is ridiculously small, right?

Yes. It is very unlikely that your partner has been infected given he tested negative on 1 February. Most people test positive at 4-6 weeks. But he must be tested again in a month.

Also, at the moment- more than the disease itself, i am having a very very hard time coping with the fact that i am now HIV positive. In this country it is a very loaded term with too much stigma attached to it.
 I feel like human trash

Oh honey. You're not trash. You're just a guy with a virus. You're still a worthwhile human being worthy of love and respect.

I appreciate that in India the stigma surrounding HIV is great and I don't have any easy answers for you. Probably a whole lot of cultural shit is headed your way. But, never underestimate your capacity to cope. It's a lot greater than you're giving yourself credit for. If there is one thing having HIV teaches us, it's how to cope.

Also, Welcome to the Forums. We're here for you.

MtD

[vt5john]

Sorry to hear about your HIV status - we've all been there!!  And stop talking trash :-)   You are not human trash!!  You're a wonderful person who just happened to be HIV Poz. 

Not sure if you're insured or not - if NOT, one good news is that CIPLA is an Indian pharmaceutical company known for manifacturing low-cost anti-HIV drugs - probably the largest in the world.   So not only you will live a long happy fruitful life, medication is available in your country and it's affordable. 

Talk to your doctor, get your lab work done, and figure out your next step.... good luck and keep us informed.

[spacebarsux]

Thanks for the responses everyone. It means a lot. I'm going through a roller coaster of emotions though. I so much to discuss it family- but keep pulling myself back. My family would be so crushed and disgusted ?!
My BF is the only one who knows. I'm not yet ready to discuss it with others- not just yet.

Anyway, I'm going to get my blood drawn for my numbers tomo and then go to an Infection Disease HIV specialsit. Will keep you posted.

Also I am asthmatic- does anyone have any idea of how HIV affects that?

[HippieLady]

Thanks for the responses everyone. It means a lot. I'm going through a roller coaster of emotions though. I so much to discuss it family- but keep pulling myself back. My family would be so crushed and disgusted ?!
My BF is the only one who knows. I'm not yet ready to discuss it with others- not just yet.

Anyway, I'm going to get my blood drawn for my numbers tomo and then go to an Infection Disease HIV specialsit. Will keep you posted.

Also I am asthmatic- does anyone have any idea of how HIV affects that?

Hi space...welcome to the forum.

I have asthma and I have noticed no changes in my condition since I became poz.  My asthma has been milder since my teen years when it was at it's worst.  Everyone is different though.

Do you take daily medicine for your asthma or just rescue inhalers?  I honestly can't remember the last time I used my inhaler. 

Good luck to you.

-Hippie

[spacebarsux]

Thanks for the response Hippielady. I don't take medicine for asthma but do take a puff of inhalers every night before i sleep.

I got my blood drawn- results back on the 14th. I feel like i am thinking about this all the time. This is the only thing on my mind. I have no one to talk to except my bf. He is being very supportive even though i put him at risk.

At the moment, i feel like i have completely destroyed my life. The thing is most of friends/ social circle does not even know about my sexuality and now this. I am just finding it so hard to cope. 

I keep thinking i had a good, beautiful life and i have gone and royally fucked it up.

 In this country there is so much poverty and misery. I used to feel bad for the poor beggars on the street (in this country there is a lot of it) - now i almost envy them. I guess you don;t value something until you lose it. And sometimes it is too late.

I feel like just being by myself becuase when i am with ohters- it is more than obvious that something is wrong with me.  I am sorry for going on and on. But i just needed to vent.

[spacebarsux]

some things are beginning to make sense now. It seems i might have contracted this at least 4 years ago. I have had pimples on the scalp of my head for a while that kept recurring. Whenever i took medication for it - it stopped but then came right back after a few months. I never thought much of it before- but now i am convinced that this was Sebhorric Dermatitis.

Any advice?

[riverlassie]

There are 5 stages that we mentally and emotionally go through with being pos.

First it is the shock of just finding out . We can't accept that this has happened . We think life has ended for us .

Second there is the anger and self loathing . We just think we would be better off if we just fell off the face of the earth . We think its better to just end it all instead of facing what we fear lays ahead .

Third we realize that this is here to stay and we are starting to accept this fact. So we seek as much info as possible till our brains hurt so much our head wants to just burst. We think we can make sense if we just keep reaing and researching everything.

Fourth we realize we need only to understand what is needed for now. We rest assured in our doctor,  we see that life does go on . Sure there are some changes but its nothing we can't handle. We become more relaxed and confident that we will continue to live a life .  I like to say that the greens are greener , the yellows brighter  and reds bolder. What we thought we big problems in the past  are now view as just minor bumps in life.

And fifth  we now see ourselves as this illness being a tool to reach out to others that are just  finding out about their status. You share what you have learned . The people in your support group are a family which you love and care for . How they became pos does not matter . You share a bond. And you may even see this illness as a strange blessing  that has tought you to appreciate life , live each day and share a love to those in many types of pain and turmoil.   This is a ttol to bue used to the greater good that you would not be able to share if you didn't live it yourself.

[moon_alex88]

Hi spacebar,

              Sorry for your diagnosic, be strong. it is not end of day. You have family and friends that still love you. HIV vaccine and cure is not far ahead. Every day, it getting closer. Just dont give up. Stay healty. You can try do meditation, it will help.