POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Positive Women => Topic started by: deprivedlol on April 29, 2014, 11:31:55 am
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It has come to my attention that I am just becoming a miserable bitch without sex. In light of recent information I learned regarding sex with someone who's poz I might be willing to try dating someone like me. Is it wrong just to want to not be bothered with a relationship anymore? I think my window of opportunity has passed permanently. I just am tired of trying to find someone that has what I'm looking for and at this point I really don't care anymore. I have become so emotionally damaged by the people I have allowed into my life that all I really want anymore is a hook up. Does that make me a bad person? I mean that's kinda what got me into this mess to begin with but I can blame that on my youthful ignorance at the time...and the fact that I was drunk more than I wasn't. I have been used and abused by every guy I've ever been with. The last one just exited my life recently and part of me is relieved to have him gone and the other part feels like that was my last chance at love. He was ok with my status but an ass about everything else. I've been talking to both poz and neg guys, lately online. I've told the neg ones upfront what the deal is and surprisingly they were willing to deal with it. But I never get past the emails and texts. I just push people away before they really get to know me. I don't let my guard down easily, but the ones I did do it for all stomped all over my heart and I will never forgive or forget what they've done to me. Am I whining? Yeah a little, but at least I can do this here I hope without any judgement. Not like the other forums where my opinions and thoughts were not understood or respected.
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Nothing wrong with it, it's called being human. Plus there should never be judgement here. I was laughing texting a few of the people from here and said our friendships here are built backwards, we seem to trust each other, and start off with telling our deepest secret first. This site is the first time I came out as poz.
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Hi Deprived,
No judgment here. In fact, what you're experiencing is very normal. You sound like me, relationship wise. Not that I feel I'm totally damaged, but I am at the point in my life where relationships are just something I no longer desire. I'm much too selfish about my life, like to do what I want, not have to "check in," and don't want to worry about someone else being happy.
I have had casual sex, pretty much; I was with one person and we only saw each other every other weekend, mainly just for sex. He was also HIV+, we were both undetectable, so I didn't insist on condoms, and guess what? I got an STD! So, that proved to me that condoms should have been utilized regardless of someone else's HIV status.
Anyway, don't feel bad about this. Just be careful! Also, if you're feeling upset by past hurts to the point you feel "damaged," I would suggest seeking out therapy. You should not feel damaged, and may have emotional baggage that needs to be worked through. Good luck!
Betty
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Nothing wrong with it, it's called being human. Plus there should never be judgement here. I was laughing texting a few of the people from here and said our friendships here are built backwards, we seem to trust each other, and start off with telling our deepest secret first. This site is the first time I came out as poz.
Thanks for your response. I have decided that I'm just getting fed up with men in general and I don't have time or patience for relationship BS anymore. It's felt good to discover these forums but I think after my fiasco in the other ones I'll just stick to the women's forum from now on!
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Nothing wrong with it, it's called being human. Plus there should never be judgement here. I was laughing texting a few of the people from here and said our friendships here are built backwards, we seem to trust each other, and start off with telling our deepest secret first. This site is the first time I came out as poz.
You may not have noticed so I just wanted to remind you that this is The Positive Women forum and as a male you are not permitted to post in this forum . Thanks .
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Hi Deprived,
No judgment here. In fact, what you're experiencing is very normal. You sound like me, relationship wise. Not that I feel I'm totally damaged, but I am at the point in my life where relationships are just something I no longer desire. I'm much too selfish about my life, like to do what I want, not have to "check in," and don't want to worry about someone else being happy.
I have had casual sex, pretty much; I was with one person and we only saw each other every other weekend, mainly just for sex. He was also HIV+, we were both undetectable, so I didn't insist on condoms, and guess what? I got an STD! So, that proved to me that condoms should have been utilized regardless of someone else's HIV status.
Anyway, don't feel bad about this. Just be careful! Also, if you're feeling upset by past hurts to the point you feel "damaged," I would suggest seeking out therapy. You should not feel damaged, and may have emotional baggage that needs to be worked through. Good luck!
Betty
Betty,
First thanks for your response. I am sorry to hear about your experience with another poz person. That's exactly what I was afraid of and everyone I talked to about it assured me that my chances of getting something else were slim to none. I didn't believe it and now I know my hesitation and reluctance to believe what they were saying was well worth it.
As far as the emotional damage goes it's just been the norm for me for so many years and I'm just done putting myself and all my emotions out there for guys to walk all over. Why is it when a guy wants casual sex it's ok but when a woman wants it she's judged?
I have absolutely no social life due to working all the time, my real friends have all but disappeared over the years, I don't allow myself to get too close to anyone for fear of rejection, and when I do find someone I can deal with and can deal with me it usually ends for a whole host of other reasons. I stayed with the last moron for 3 yrs and believe me the sex wasn't really any good, as infrequent as it was. I haven't had sex in a year and I'm going nuts. I was talking to a guy for a week or so recently...much younger than I am and it's because of his immaturity that I chose not to meet him. This guy was so damn hot and I'm sure the sex would have been great, but the dumbest things would come out of his mouth. I can't deal with stupid.
N
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I don't personally associate with negative people. In fact I avoid making friends with anyone in order to have privacy, then again I like being alone. I read, clean, cook, listen to music, or nap.
When I had told people in the past I am positive their first comment would be about if they could not have causal sex ever again. No comment about living a long healthy life.
There is nothing wrong for feeling the way you feel. In my case I would not have casual sex as I am a very emotional person. In other words I would feel depressed, terrible, and alone afterwards.
I have also been hurt as well. I was beaten up almost daily by the man who infected me. I was choked, he put his foot on my throat, and he even threw me onto the floor where along the way the corner of my eye hit against a wooden futon. I gave him a chance as I thought I would never find anyone else since I had HIV. I gave up on him when I was 22. I was a single mom who moved back home with my parents. My mom had the dining room converted into a bedroom for my daughter and I.
I was very lonely and had several problems along the way, but when I was 27 I met my husband online. We are now married. We will be married ten years in 2015.
You won't be alone forever and a good therapist can help you. I see a therapist and I am waiting for books I ordered online to come that she recommended I read.
You will one day find someone who is good. Right now I would suggest maybe seeing someone who can help you get relief of the negative experiences you've had.
It just seems to me if you casually sleep with people those are more names you add to your life story that have no significant meaning to your life.
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Idee,
I'm sorry to hear what you have gone through...I have similar stories. I'm happy to hear you found someone that accepts you as you are. I can only hope for the same one day.
N