preparing to travel, random music happens (a newt update of sorts)

[newt]

Today is my to be number 1 man's birthday, or would be, except he is stardust (background here, didn't have a happy ending).

This week is the first time I am going back to South Africa since I put him on a plane to Cape Town to his last chance ARV saloon. Well, docs great and good people that you are, you didn't get him, his way of seeing the world or find his CMV infection, so go be great and good, go to a conference and get run over.

All is well, house nearly decorated, CD4s good, viral load boring, heart, kidneys etc all ok (touchwood, labs due). Me nephews and godson and best of best friends, family really in that queer family way real good.  But the grief is eating me up. He inspired so many people, spurred them to do what they really wanna do and went. Except me, I am dragged down into the dark. I am not dealing with the grief too well, drinking n smoking too much. It'll pass.

Happy Birthday young'un.

Odd day see, birthday of a dead man. Odd to say happy birthday 7 months after.

The random music was Savage Garden Crash and Burn, teenage track, but I, he, preferred Affirmation (I Believe).

He took no morphine while he died, on step 10 of the 12 Steps see, now that is faith.

I wonder what the wide sands of Umhlanga will make me feel? I would like to go see the dogs but staying at grandma's in the room where you died, too much. And sleeping on the porch, there'll be a scene.

- matt

Now playing: Robbie Robertson, Golden Feather

[Jody]

How touching to read your post Newt, it brought a tear to my eyes.  You can always celebrate his birthday and know you were loved as well.  I love Robbie Robertson and used to enjoy a good concert by the Band.  I saw them once at Madison square garden with Bob Dylan, good stuff.!  "Take a load off Fanny".............

Jody

[WillyWump]

No one ever really dies as long as they took the time to leave us with fond memories.

or something like that. cant remember who wrote it but I like it.

Lovely post Newt, I bid you peace.

-Will ( who loves Savage Garden)

[ds4146]

I hope you find peace and peacefulness during this trip and time. How very lucky he was to have you in his life and your love! Take care, kick up the sand, it becomes stardust!

[Since2005]

I hope you find peace and peacefulness during this trip and time. How very lucky he was to have you in his life and your love! Take care, kick up the sand, it becomes stardust!

Ditto..

Your writing touched my heart. How lucky you were and still are to be able to love somebody and be loved. I only hope you could start and finish the 'grief' process from this trip.

Best wishes...

Thanks for sharing...

Since

[wolfter]

I still wish Bill a happy birthday and grieve on his birthday.  I think it's perfectly natural.  Being how it's Valentine's Day, I'm also grieving a little bit today.

I hope Gary chimes in with comments from his defying gravity memorial service.  Some of his words really helped put it into a different light.  I was no longer worried about forgetting his love and knew/know his spirit lives on at least until I'm gone.

I well remember the grief you were experiencing when this was happening and I hope it's lessening somewhat. 

Take care and best wishes.

Wolfie

[Jeff G]

My best wishes and a bit of peace for you Matt .

[aztecan]

Hey Matt,

Were I near, I would give you a big bear hug.

As it is, a virtual hug will have to do.

You are a special man, no doubt. Safe journey.

HUGS,

Mark

[buginme2]

Seeing how much support you have given to complete strangers on here, it is without a doubt that he was comforted by how much you cared bout him.  Enjoy the good memories that you have. Safe travels.

[Theyer]

Just coz he died does not mean the relationship stops ......made sense to me during the first years off hurting. Take care and comfort where you can Newt , all the very best for this journey, warm the bones, with love
mhtv

[spacebarsux]

A very moving and heartfelt post Matt. He must have been a truly amazing and beautiful person to inhabit a space in the heart of such a giving, compassionate and special person as yourself.                   Safe travels.   

[umfowabo]

Go tell the red earth and the veld what you lost(they already know).

Ube nohambo oluhle bro.

Matthew

[newt]

So here I am in a toothpaste blue and white B+B room after 24 hrs travel with non-colour matched eco bulbs glowing in the gold lion themed lampshades listening to Zulu house in 95% humidity and the end of tropical storm in Umhlanga drinking an Amstel (another one). Just been to the "3rd best restaurant" in Durban, but aside from well-cooked meat and excellent wine was real chintzy. SA has a big chintzy side.

Tomorrow i hope the clouds will lift and I will make it to the lagoon, where I always went with my man and the dogs, and get dumped in the Indian ocean all alone at a spot on the beach which has no life guards. But anyhow, lagoon or not, I will go to the beach to build a pile of stones. Maybe in the rain through the coastal forest reserve watching the monkeys hide under the leaves from the pissing rain. Then I will go to a mini-mall for supplies before heading off to the Eastern Cape. Always a mall in South Africa.

Anyway

Kate, your pic is always on my desktop
Jamie, Kuruman is your heart

I feel oddly alive and with the missing. Wish the frigging churchy party next door would wrap for the night n stop playing their awful bad wedding dance music.

Go well people

matt, bro - hello, hamba kahle

- matt

[OneTampa]

Matt,

Loving post.

Wishing you well.

[Ann]

((((((Matt))))))

[MarkB]

Matt -

Sawubona na sala kahle, mngani wami.

Thinking of you at this time.