I Have Lost Hope

[newbieguy]

I do not have anything to hold onto to give me hope right now. I have a degree but cannot find a job, all my money is basically gone and I have a lot of student loan debt, and I have no real prospects for work. I have gone on interviews and tried my best and say all the right things and don't say I am gay or anything let along that I am poz, but seems like they all have some excuse why I cannot get hired. The one job I wanted and interviewed for recently I was strung along for weeks and then told suddenly I did not get it. I am poz and the meds seem to work ok. I guess physically I am healthy. But I am 30 years old and had to move home again because of my financial situation. Don't really have any family who will help me. My dad only seems to care about my cousin who is a teacher and doesn't give a shit if I find work or not. My mom is ok in some ways but her hands are tied. No other family is there, they are all a bunch of bible-thumpers and would probably call me a sinner for being gay and not be able to look past it. Plus I hate asking anyone for help. I am very depressed. I am thinking about killing myself. I just don't want to be a burden anymore. I once had hopes of going to beauty school because I am creative and I enjoy most people, but I am scared I wouldn't make it and couldn't afford it..I don't know what to do but I can't keep sitting around with no job or prospects. Don't see the point in going for more interviews I would probably get rejected again. I really just want to kill myself right now. It wouldn't be too hard. This pain is what is too hard. I feel like a total loser. I have no criminal record, I have tried doing the right things, but I can't find work. Is it me? Do people just assume I am gay so they won't hire me? I will never be some homeless person, I will shoot myself or jump off a bridge before that happens. I just want the pain to go away. I do not see hope. Life sucks right now. I wish it didn't but it does..

[Pilot]

Hello Newbieguy,
Myself and most likely a lot of others on here have had the same depressed feelings you are having right now. You did not state where you live or what your degree is in so I have no idea of the job opportunities in your area.  The main thing is to keep slugging away at it and if necessary expand your search area. 

You might want to discuss your feelings with someone who is a specialist or maybe just a good friend if you are more comfortable with them.  I wish I could give you some great advise that would solve your emotional turmoil at this time but unfortunately I cannot.

Jobs are out there but many are not always close to home or pay that great but in this economy any income is better than no income. Paying a student loan and making enough to keep your head above water is a big problem across the country. I read where the class of 2012 is looking at below 50% for successful  job placement, so do not be discouraged.
You are not alone even though right now you feel like it.

So hang in there and do your best.  Let us know how things are going and maybe someone who reads your post may come up with some new ideas that may help you out.

[tednlou2]

I am sorry to hear you're experiencing such a hard time right now.  Now, you know the saying--Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  I hope you're just venting.  If you are really feeling suicidal, please seek help.

I'm sorry to hear about the job and financial problems.  It is difficult for many to get hired now.  Of course, there could be discrimination at play, too.  I went through a period where I couldn't get hired.  Well, I got hired by 5 companies, but they all recended the offers.  It seems the law here is that employers have to offer you a job first, before doing drug testing and background checks.  My ex had made up a bunch of lies to the police about me, saying I attacked him and was threatening him.  The case was thrown out, because the judge knew he way lying.  However, the dismissed charge stayed on my record.  Even though it said it was dismissed, I have no doubt they thought I got a good lawyer to get it thrown out, and that I had really done the things alleged.  It was a very difficult time. 

From what you said, you're moving back with you folks, but they don't know your gay or poz??  And, they're Bible-thumpers?  I can't imagine the stress that would bring.  That doesn't sound like a good living arrangement, but I understand that is your only choice now.  I would just suggest keep hitting the pavement.  If you could be unbiased about yourself, how do you think you interview?  Does your current emotional state show through, or are you able to put on a good show?  Is it possible you're not interviewing well, due to the stress you're under?  What kind of jobs are you seeking?  I've heard many HR folks say they like candidates who come off as go-getters, but who also give credit to others and talk about team work. 

This is just a temporary thing that will pass.  I hope you find the job you want, or go to beauty school.  Don't give up.  Do you live in a really conservative town, where employers would discriminate, based on thinking you're gay?  I don't think about suicide.  However, I do sometimes feel that I'm not living a full life, so I may as well be dead.  I get down like that.  Depression and anxiety has caused me to withdrawal from so many things and friends.  And, I know I've become codependent on my partner.  He's been gone a week at a conference, and I just don't know what to do.  In the past, I would have been out to dinner and the bars with friends--doing my own thing.  I'm working on getting back to that person. 

[emeraldize]

Hi Newbie,

I don't know what your work experiences have been thus far in your life, so I don't know how much experience you've had hunting for work.

First off, count your blessings --you had a family home to move back into. Doesn't matter at all who your Dad compares you to -- contribute physical work to the household -- anything to balance out the free room and perhaps also free board?

Second--is your resume top-notch -- if it's not make sure it's good, one-page, truthful, easy-to-read -- no " Reference upon request" antique line -- totally streamlined resume.

Third -- get ANY job you can right now--one part-time, two part-time, freelance, babysitting, I am not kidding -- first you get some flow going -- some money, any money, coming in and second, it's just a funny rule of the energy of work -- it's easier to get a job if you have a job. And, don't set your standards too high. Be willing to do damn near anything -- I'll bet if everyone on this site put down a list of the jobs they worked in their teens, twenties, thirties and beyond, you'd be surprised.

And fourth, see your doctor--if you're not on an anti-depressant, you read as if you're a good candidate for that and some solid talk therapy. Tough to come across as a great interviewee when depressed.

You better hang in there. You've hit a couple of bumps. And you're gonna move on. Get the stats. Do you know how many adult children are living back at home? TONS It's the norm these days. And senior citizens are living with their children. Everyone's having to come up with new ways to do things in order to survive. You're not homeless, you're not starving, you've got medicine, and you're educated.

It takes a lot of interviews to get the juicy job you want -- just know this. Lots! So that's why it will do your mind and wallet much good to get a lesser job or two rather than nothing. And, if it comes up in an interview, I'd be more impressed as an interviewer to know you're hustlin' a couple of angles rather than doin' nothin'.

And, on a final note...I get the impression this hair styling is something you'd really like to do. Maybe you should get a brochure on the closest school, find out the costs and whether you could go to school and work part-time to do what you really love. Pull out all stops in your thinking -- make it a game of what if's and what I like's and I want's.

Em

[Ann]

Newbie, it's definitely not you - it's the current job market. I've lost count of the stories I've read in the past year or two about college grads having to move back home, unable to find jobs. You're definitely not alone in your dilemma, and it has nothing to do with being gay or poz. Blame the bankers and the rest of the 1% - I do.

Some people are taking part time jobs, ones that don't actually require any schooling above a high school level, just to make ends meet. In this economic climate, you might just have to take a job you don't like.

Em is absolutely correct when she says that you'd be surprised at some of the jobs some of us - even with college level educations - have done to make ends meet. I've been a waitress, a short-order cook, a prep chef, nursing home aide, assembly line worker in a small factory, cashier in several shops, shelf-stocker in several shops, self-employed house cleaner, self-employed gardener, worker in a tie-dye factory, a barmaid, a blacksmith's laborer, a commercial fisherman (best job ever!) and a self-employed painter/decorator. I'm sure there's a few I've forgotten as well. Use your imagination - there's always something you can do.

You mention an interest in hairdressing. Some salons will take on willing "apprentices" who start at the most basic level - sweeping the floors, shampooing customers, making coffee. A person who does this menial work cheerfully and shows an interest in learning and a bit of aptitude is often given a chance to train and advance.

You might want to think about going around to local salons to see if you can't get one to give you a chance. Sure, the starting pay won't be great, but it would be a start in a field you enjoy. Bigger cities in your area would be the best place to start.

Another way you might be able to get a foot in the door is by volunteering at a local charity - and it doesn't have to be hiv related. Volunteers who are good, dedicated workers often get offered paid positions and further training. Even if you aren't offered a paid position, volunteer work looks great on a resume and can fill gaps between jobs. It shows a willingness to work.

Good luck and if you keep thinking about suicide, go to your local ER and tell them. Tell your doctor. Call a suicide hotline. Tell SOMEONE, anyone. Hang in there - things can and will get better.

Hugs,
Ann
xxx

[emeraldize]

Hey Newbie,

Is everything okay?

Em

[mecch]

Two things.
1) what Ann and Emeraldize said - it's probably helpful if you take any job.  Remember its the economy.  You'll still be you 2 years from now, 4 years from now, etc, no matter what you do in the immediate future. Letting yourself be isolated, feeling as you do, is a bad idea.
2)  Get some professional input on the suicidal thoughts.  What health care you can accesss? Mention these thoughts right way, either to your generalist or your HIV doc, or any doc.  You might get some help decreasing the sadness or pain with medicine and or therapy, which any doc can refer you to, or prescribe. Its normal to go through dark periods but there are experts who can alleviate the suffering and help deliver you to more hope for the future.

[phost86]

Depression and and the feeling of all lost hope is a horrible place to be for sure.
I've been there.
Hey, don't forget to keep up with what brings a smile to your face, what makes you happy. keep busy and think positive. I'm sure things will turn around.

[emeraldize]

Hey Newbie,

Is everything okay?

Em

Checking in. Same message. Can you let us know how you are?