Scared to infect others

[smilinglotus]

Here's my story.  I was diagnose as being positive in 07/08.

At the time I was with my bf of a year.  Through out our relationship that start in the summer of 07', we always had safe sex.  By the summer of 08', we had decided to take things to the next level and be more intimate and have unprotected sex.  But before doing so, we both when and had ourselves tested.  This was when I discovered that I was positive.  I was devastated.  To this day, because of always having protected sex, I still don't know where, when, how or by whom I got infected by.  My bf was tested negative.  When we found out, he was very supportive and said that he didn't want to break up with me over it.  I, on the other hand, was so messed up in the head and wanted to end it.  I loved him so much I couldn't bare the thought that I could possibly infect him. He fought for our relationship saying that we just need to be careful and that nothing has changed because of our status difference.  But for me, being careful still got me to where I am and I didn't want to chance it that I may pass it on to him.  Since he had to be in England for school, I made him agree that we should take a break in the fall/winter of 08/09.  Fast forward to spring 09', when he returned, he wanted to resume our relationship, and because my feelings for him never changed, we got back together again.  Our relationship was great through out the spring and summer of 09' until something happened while we were having sex.  We just had dinner and was sitting around watching TV when we got amorous. I was giving him a blowjob (sorry if this is TMI), when suddenly I realize that my spit was red in colour.  I had flossed after eating (about 1/2 hour before we got frisky) and my gums was still bleeding when I performed fellatio on him. We absolutely freaked!  I insisted that we go to the hospital to have him checked out.  After a 3 hour visit, we were told the chances are very low that he could be infected that way.  However the damage was done.  Not long after that, we ended our relationship.  He's back in England for school but knows that I will always love him, as he will me.

As I start my medication (Atripla) this month, I am now scare to be with anyone.  I have not been with anyone since he and I broke it off.  I am afraid to infect someone or not being honest with a new partner or being rejected if I was upfront about it.  Anyone out there that have the same sense of dread as I do about being with someone else now that you are diagnose as positive?  Thanks in advance.  Cheers.



edited by Ann to change a spelling mistake in the title - changed "sacred" to "scared"

[Andy Velez]

Hi Lotus,

Welcome.

I deleted this same thread from AM I INFECTED as I think it really belongs in this Forum. Also, you can only put a particular thread in one Forum so I have deleted the duplicate of this one.

You worried unnecessarily about there having been any risk to your former bf about some blood when you gave him oral. In the entire history of the epidemic there has never been a single confirmed case of transmission to a guy getting a blowjob. Not one. So it's safe to say you wouldn't have made history by having been the first to infect someone in that manner.

Please read our lesson on Transmission if you haven't already done so. There are many, many thousands of sero-discordant couples who are having great lives together sexually while protected the status of the sero-negative partner. You can do it too.

The issues you are dealing with in terms of disclosure and worry are ones which many here have experienced. I think you will find some good support in learning how to cope in a way that will allow you the full sexual and intimate life you want and deserve to have.

Please feel free to talk about whatever is on your mind whenever you want to drop in here.

Cheers.

[smilinglotus]

Thank you Andy.  I realized that I posted on the wrong forum by mistake and didn't know how to delete my 1st posting. As I am new to the site, I'll figure my way around (eventually )

I'll definitely read the lesson on Transmission.  Thank you.

[sdguyloveslife]

Your title of "Sacred to infect others" freaked me out at first, but now that I've read your post, I realize you meant "Scared." 

However the damage was done.  Not long after that, we ended our relationship. 

What damage???  You bf did not test positive after your incident...did he?  I can't help but wonder if you would still be together if you had only taken the time to educate yourself.  There are so many stories of poz-neg relationships that are very successful - these couples simply take steps to minimize transmission to a negative partner.  From what you've written, you don't "dislike" condoms - which prevent the transmission of HIV altogether.  Another idea is to get on meds that get your viral load to undetectable and that could also minimize the potential for transmission.

From reading your post, I get the sense that you might feel like "damaged goods" or not deserving of the love and commitment that your ex-bf offered unconditionally to you.  It doesn't sound like he had a problem with the HIV, but it was your own issue of self-loathing over this virus.  Please realize that we're talking about a virus here, it is NOT a moral issue or one of judgment. 

I know you admit to always being careful with safe sex, but HIV doesn't just show up in your body unexplained.  Please don't take this as offensive or accusatory, but can you be sure that you have thoroughly explored your possible exposure to HIV?  Have you been able to get completely honest with yourself?  For example, I've had friends who were so high on drugs or blacked out on alcohol that they don't even remember having had unprotected sex. 

You might consider educating yourself more about transmission and living with HIV and perhaps seek some counseling to address your feelings about yourself since your diagnosis.  Maybe even your local ASO could refer you to free counseling.  My only fear for you is that after you do educate yourself about the virus, you may indeed have regrets over dumping your ex. 

By the way, I welcome you to these forums and wish you the very best. 

[wow1969]

i totally understand what you mean by the damage is done ... but the truth is, he doesn't really know who he will be sleeping with status ... in a very real way, he's safer with you because he knows you have hiv and so is even more aware of the needed precautions as opposed to a false sense of security believing he's with a negative person ...

i'm in a magnetic relationship .. i'm poz and my partner is neg ... we have been together for three years and he's still neg ... during that time, we have had one really big argument and it had nothing to do with HIV ... in fact, hiv has never been an issue in our relationship ...

i was also in a relationship before this and my ex told me he knew his status and that he was tested etc... he believed so strongly that he was negative that he didn't go and get tested but told me he was getting tested ... i believed him and ended up poz ...

you ex may have freaked and so may have you ... but what happens if he get's it later in life?

the intimacy issues that you are experiencing are common ... you aren't damaged goods and there are plenty of hot, poz guys out there who are lookign for a relationship ... when you are ready to be with someone again, someone will be there ...

good luck and welcome to the buttflu club :-)

[tednlou2]

Someone I know is in the same situation.  He is poz but partner neg.  They had practiced safe sex until one night recently.  They did something more risky than you.  I think everyone is right that it would be very unlikey you could pass HIV the way you did.  My poz friend was the bottom in unprotected sex with his partner.  He was mad at himself for allowing it to happen.  He reassured himself by the thought it would be unlikely his partner would get infected. 

A few hours later while going to the bathroom, he found a little red spot on the toilet paper.  It was a little bit of blood.  There was no visible blood on his partner at the time.  My question:  I've read the same things about the receptive partner of oral sex has never been infected.  I'm wondering if blood was possibly involved in both cases, the oral and anal, what is the difference?  Why would the top in anal sex be at greater risk, but the insertive partner in oral be at no risk?

[Ann]

Why would the top in anal sex be at greater risk, but the insertive partner in oral be at no risk?

Because not only is saliva not infectious, but is also contains over a dozen different proteins and enzymes that damage hiv and render it unable to infect. There would have to be so much blood in the mouth that the person wouldn't even be in any shape to blow someone.
 
I would not expect the top in a one-off unprotected anal incident to end up poz. Even more so if the bottom is on meds and undetectable. However, you friend should test to be on the safe side. Just because transmission doesn't normally occur during a one-off such as this, it does not mean that it can't happen. It's just unlikely. There is also some evidence that transmission doesn't happen as readily between long term partners. We don't know why this is yet.

[BlueMoon]

Do the goderators have the power to edit thread titles for typos?  Because this one is pretty creepy.

[Ann]

Do the goderators have the power to edit thread titles for typos?  Because this one is pretty creepy.

Yes, I can and I think I will.

[skeebo1969]

Do the goderators have the power to edit thread titles for typos?  Because this one is pretty creepy.

I totally agree..  I almost feel like it's an unknown duty I am not fullfilling.  A couple of weeks ago Madbrain posted a thread about Long Term Care Insurance, for some damn reason I kept reading it as Long Term Car Insurance... which I happen to want.

[leese43]

I totally agree..  I almost feel like it's an unknown duty I am not fullfilling.  A couple of weeks ago Madbrain posted a thread about Long Term Care Insurance, for some damn reason I kept reading it as Long Term Car Insurance... which I happen to want.

LOL I was reading it the same way...kept thinking why isn't this in off topic!

[BlueMoon]

Yes, I can and I think I will.

Thanks Ann, that's much better. 

Now what's up with that long term car insurance?  Are the premiums affordable?

[wow1969]

well, i hate to burst some hot little bubble butts .. wait, no i don't LOL ... but i'm a top and that is how i got it ... according to my dr there is a much lower chance of getting hiv as a top, but it does occur ... he told me it's a 1 out of 5000 chance ... lucky me, i was the 1 ...

now, if only i could get that lucky with the lottery ...

i agree with anne, the likelihood of infection is small but it can still happen ... he still needs to get tested

[tednlou2]

Thanks for the info Ann.  I had always wondered why there is a difference whether the penis goes in the mouth or the butt--especially if blood was possibly present in both.  I know vaginal fluids can contain the virus, but always wondered what, if not blood, in the butt would transmit the virus. 

Thanks for clearing that up.  Smilinglotus, thanks for your story.

[Ann]

I know vaginal fluids can contain the virus, but always wondered what, if not blood, in the butt would transmit the virus. 

An excerpt from this article explains it fairly well...

The amount or concentration of HIV in the infected body fluid partly determines whether infection happens. The greater the concentration of HIV in the body fluid, the greater the chance that a person exposed to the body fluid will become HIV-infected. HIV is found in very low concentration—or is absent—in saliva, sweat, tears, and urine. It is found in medium concentration in anal secretions, and in high concentration in blood, semen, vaginal secretions, and breast milk. Thus, only a small amount of infected blood, semen, vaginal fluids, or breast milk is enough to infect someone, whereas much larger amounts of anal secretions are needed for HIV transmission. To date, there are no known cases of HIV transmission through saliva, tears, sweat, or urine.

I take two exceptions with this article. One is the use the term "vaginal secretions" instead of "cervico-vaginal secretions". That's the term for the mucus that covers and protects the cervix, which is deep inside the vaginal and it is in this mucus that the virus is present. I've not found one shred of evidence that shows the lubricating fluid a woman produces (from two glands on either side of the vaginal opening) when sexually aroused has any more virus present than saliva, tears, sweat or urine.

The second exception I take is the way they talk about breast milk. Unless you're a baby who is depending solely on breast milk for your sustenance, you're highly unlikely to ingest enough breast milk to end up infected from it.

The "anal secretions" mentioned in the article refers to the mucus your body produces in order to lubricate the digestive tract to facilitate the movement of waste.

[smilinglotus]

Thanks to everyone for you response.  Sorry that I couldn't get to them sooner as I was away in Cozumel for a couple weeks.

1) Thanks to the administrator/moderator (Ann) for changing my typo in the headline.  Just the misplacement of two letters changed the whole meaning of what I was trying to convey.  I'll be more diligent in the future.

2) sdguyloveslife - no my ex-bf was never tested positive. He was much more educated then I was as he volunteers for numerous AIDs/HIV groups.  You are right about the "damaged goods" emotion that I feel currently.  I do have a shrink that I have seen for many years and am dealing with this issue now.  As to how I got positive, I can only figure that the condom breaking as one of the scenarios.

3) To all you guys that are in a sero-discordant relationship, can I ask if you are up front with your status when the relationship started?  I feel it is imperative that I put it out there that I am positive, and due to the nature of the "beast" many guys chose not to get into a relationship with someone that is positive.  This is where I feel somewhat dishearten.

4) wow1969 - thanks for brightening up mu day with the "buttflu club" comment.

5) BlueMoon & Skeebo1969- I agree, my typo has caused some ppl to be concern, again I apologize

6) Like you wow1969, I am generally a top as well. I do bottom only when I am in a full committed relationship eventhough it's not my thing.  But both my previous ex and current ex were positive.  Thus why my thought of how I got infected is via a broken condom.

Again, thanks to everyone.  I am finding strength in all the support from everyone in here.  This is a great site and I wish I had found it sooner.  Oh well, all that matters is that I am here now.

[smilinglotus]

opps, I meant

6) Like you wow1969, I am generally a top as well. I do bottom only when I am in a full committed relationship eventhough it's not my thing.  But both my previous ex and current ex were positive.  Thus why my thought of how I got infected is via a broken condom.

"both my previous ex and current ex were negative."

me bad.

[alliance]

3) To all you guys that are in a sero-discordant relationship, can I ask if you are up front with your status when the relationship started?  I feel it is imperative that I put it out there that I am positive, and due to the nature of the "beast" many guys chose not to get into a relationship with someone that is positive.  This is where I feel somewhat dishearten.

I have this concern as well, and I would really appreciate more conversation about how this can work--
Thanks