POZ Community Forums
Meds, Mind, Body & Benefits => Mental Health & HIV => Topic started by: redbull on August 25, 2009, 07:15:47 pm
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It seems my whole life I have had to fight and I am getting so tired. Growing up I was raised in a christian household where someone was burning in hell if they were gay so I kept that a secret until I got older. Because of that I got married to a woman and have had 3 kids. That ended in utter disaster as she was a psycho from hell, literally...and of course I was gay.
finally came out and dealt with all that crap. I have had a few ltr's with guys and they usually end up abusing me in every way and cheating on me or something. finally have been with a great guy for the last 5 years. We are in a ldr. But we have had so many issues and problems and that stresses me out.
Now on top of all that, things are so bad at work, my hours have been cut, my finances are in the toilet, I am depressed about having hiv, feel like no one will ever want me again sexually. Im having to take care of this house all by myself, try to pay these bills. And now I have to pay dr bills and go on meds and all that crap to deal with this disease.
I have great friends to talk to, my bf is always willing to listen but hes not here. I feel alone, defeated and tired. I got up today and have a spliting headache, I dont feel like going to work, I work 3rd shift. but I have to. I want to sit down and cry sometimes but it just wont come out.
I dont mean to sound like a pussy or a wimp. I have always been a fighter. I have always been the strong one to take care of everyone, the person everyone comes to for advice and strength. My kids I have raised into wonderful responsible adults and I know they look to me for guidance. I am so tired of carrying everyything and everyone. When is someone going to be there for me? when do I get a break? When do I get to to enjoy life for a change?
Dont mean to bitch and complain, I just need to vent. I feel like shit today. I go back to the dam dr on thursday and she will put me on meds....something else to remember to take...
thanks for listening to me rant.
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Redbull, people can only carry the world on their shoulders for so long; sooner or later, it can come crashing down. That's for anyone who tries to do it all, without any help.
Have you ever been in touch with your ASO (Aids Service Organization)? They have trained people at those places who listen, and try to help any way they can. Maybe it would also help you to go to a support group, should your ASO have one. That way, you could vent with people who could actually talk right back to you. Getting stuff out of the system always helps.
The crying thing will come, trust me. Sometimes it just takes breaking down some of our "tough walls," before we let the tears flow. The med thing will be alright. They're going to save you from some awful shit. You don't want to go without them, if that's what your doctor is suggesting.
Good luck sorting the stuff out. Vent anytime; that's one of the reasons we're here.
Luv,
Betty
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Hey
In your other thread you were asking about disability -- it doesn't have to be a permanent thing. Social Security disability is a long term benefit with a long term application process and a 5 monnth waiting period. But lots of comoanies offer a shorter term benefit with a less complicated application process. I was on for two months when I was the sickest. If things are too much right now maybe you could get some temporary relief while you straighten everything else out.
Does your company have a short term disability plan?
A
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hey redbull,i know exactly how you are feeling,sometimes i feel like i just want to end it all and just die!!!I feel like i being punished by GOD by keeping me alive this long.I have outlived all my friends who have died from aids and i ask myself ,"why am i the only one left?MY family never wants to discuss my situation.ONE brother has said that i deserved wht i got because of my lifestyle!!!WOULD IT BE BETTER IF I HAD CANCER?WOULD I BE MORE ACCEPTED?I AM SO TIRED ,SO DESPERATELY TIRED
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red, i totally know how you feel, i have been poz for 5 years, and fighting drugs on and off for the past 10 years, quit drinking 14 years ago.. have good life and good job and i should be happy.. have great bf.. but he doesn't understand.. i know its hard. this is a great place to vent
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redbull, I hope you got some help, medication and/or therapy, and are feeling better. I'm new to this site but i've been poz for 16 yrs. I've been on anti-depressants & in therapy since I tested poz. It took a while to find the right meds, but they really help, & yes they have to be changed of adjusted every couple of years. There are mental help clinics that are very inexpensive & they can be high quality.
I am also divorced with children. That can be rough. It took several years, but today I have a great relationship with my sons. I hope that things are improving for you. Hugs, deibster
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Hi redbull,
I feel the same as you. Not only was I brought up in a religious household, but it was in a small town in the Southern Bible Belt. It seems like the more I try to do to keep up, it's to no avail. 2 steps forward and 3 steps back, if not more. The economy isn't helping matters either. I was put on antidepressants. Whether or not they help, I'm not sure. I haven't put a gun to my head, but its not like I haven't thought about it.
I hope things get better for you.
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Redbull,Life has been differcult and still is for you.But you have the strength to gather those thoughts and express them with a clarity that indicates that you have many strengths. I hope the responses you are receiving have helped ease the sense off loneliness that you are currently having .take good care of yourself , I hope your work situation allows you to have a rest and please keep posting and or find somewhere to share your,history,present and hopes for the future.
Theyer
I have just re read your post and it strikes me as the complete opposite of wimp/pussy.
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Redbull,
Sorry I didn't see your post sooner. I'm having one of those days you are talking about, only difference is I am a "pussy" and called in sick. Days like today can make you stop caring that's for sure and while we seemingly know that this will pass it is truly hard to get yourself out of a funk when you are going through it. I think I am in one of those funks right now.... and well they are not pretty. I think HIV just kind of compounds these funky times that everyone regardless of status goes through, in other words we all have problems but the whole HIV just adds to it. In my opinion if we feel bad mentally we feel extra bad physically due to the whole HIV crap.... I have no medical studies to support this of course, but I'm an ignoramous and I don't read or need them anyways to support my theories.
So tonight, my friend, I will only worry about tonight. Yes I might be fired tomorrow, but that's tomorrow and I'll deal with it then...
I know none of this probably helped Red, just wanted you to know you are not alone.
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Redbull,
I've been away from the Boards here for bit but have popped back now and then and posted a few
times.
I read your post earlier and the responses. I can not tell you how it and some of the responses
resonate with me as they mirror certain aspects of my own situation. I can offer no additional
advice apart from what others have said but just know that your post helped me tremendously as you
listed your personal concerns and struggles. Despite your current situation, it is clear that you have the
power and strength to carry you through. I suspect that such gifts bestowed upon you will not
suddenly evaporate as they are part of your DNA. You must simply re-purpose those gifts to serve your
needs as they arise.
Do take care of yourself.
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redbull, your screen name gives a little insight. you wouldn't call yourself bull if you didn't have a little fight. ;) I know what is it like to want to give up, be depressed etc. In the past 2 years both my wife and I were diagnosed with full blown aids. 3 family members have died, my wife has been in the hospital twice, I have had 5 surgeries, cancer, been denied disability twice and i have only worked 2 weeks since Nov. 2008. Several times I have felt like I don't want to go through this sht any more, but on the other hand I manage to pull my self out of the hole and go on. I have always refused to let anything beat me and some times it takes me a while to get over the depression, but I always come back with the realization that I am not going to let this crap beat me either. You can't let those little buggers in your blood win. You can't let the biggoted people in this world win. You cannot let the bill collectors win. So what that you are gay man with HIV? That does not make you a bad person. i know people that are almost religious fanatics but have no compassion for their fellow human beings. does the fact that they march in front of an abortion clinic make them better than you? NO. Pull up your socks and show the world that you are as tough and as decent as anyone out there. If I can do , anyone can. I find that when I can help someone else it helps me feel better. Even though I can no-longer physically, or financially help people in need, I can try to give direction, or advise or just hold a door. Find a way to help others and it will give you some of the peace and direction you need to help yourself. Take one day at a time. I used to make long term plans. That all went out the window with this other crap. I made plans for retirement, etc. Now I just try to get through each day hoping that one step at a time will get me through the next 20 years so I can retire. It is much easier to take on one battle each day. If you try to figure it all out at once it will overwhelm you. tackle one problem today. If it takes 2 days or three days so be it. Once that is out of the way work on the next. YOU CAN DO IT. Let us know how you are doing. there are many here who care and lots of good advice. If you have an Aids Service organization in your area that might help. There aren't any where we live, but I think that has helped toughen me up making me have to fight my own battles. Do any of your kids talk to you? Sometimes that has helped me. sometimes my son tells me not to give up. He'll send me an email and tell me I've always been a tough old bastard and don't give up. You can get through it. Been there. done that, still doing it.